Imitation Extract
by StephStew
Summary: A twisted marriage. A betrayed husband. Bella played Edward for a fool. A slip causes Edward to gain all the power. Mystery. Drama. Sworn to secrecy. What's lost, can't be forgiven. Modern Day. All Human.
1. Chapter 1

**I hope you're ready for an emotional ride.**

Please ADD me to your _AUTHOR ALERTS. _You'll be able to keep up with any new stories I write later on without losing me. Once again, **ADD** to **AUTHOR ALERT.**

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**BPOV**

I watched him out of the corner of my eye from my side of the bathroom as he finished brushing his teeth before bed. I was purposely going slower with my nightly routine.

As I studied him, eye-raped his features…again. He's Edward Cullen, hard not to. Sue me, I live with him, I get to…right?

He had the jaw line that cut glass, lips that were a constant half pout; due to fullness, the furious sex hair; length, just enough to grab and tug when necessary. Eyes, so green, that you know God did it to teach you a lesson.

Or better yet, to teach me a lesson. Once deep emerald, are now frigid green ice. I wish I could've learned what God was saying, before all that landed us here in this moment. Abs, rippling abs, yet I've never known him to ever workout. Maybe he does, I don't know him well enough to know for sure.

I glanced away from him just as he turned to face from slightly. Eyes looking anywhere but at or on any part of me. Leaning forward, placing slight weight on his face down palms, on the twin-sink counter.

I continued slowly brushing my teeth. Still viewing him from my peripheral. I did this often; it made him think I was only looking straight ahead.

I needed him to finally speak and break the silence. It's been too long...much longer than the usual.

His eyes stilled on my sink faucet for a brief moment. I wanted to know what he had to say.

He didn't speak; he let out a deep sigh and walked off to the bedroom. Of course leaving the bathroom door open.

I finally stopped my faking and fully looked at his toned naked back as he retreated.

I wanted him to leave before I did. I just needed a few minutes to myself. He never left me alone long, and he wouldn't let me out of his sight the remainder of the time.

He didn't do it out of care. He did it out of hate and torture, a cruel punishment. He knew I couldn't stand it. But I let him.

We both knew why I let him.

He knew I didn't reserve the right to stop him anymore.

I learned that when he walked away, it was because he couldn't stand being near me. He needed a break from his self-inflicted tracking of my every move.

I understood it though. I couldn't be trusted.

Edward knew my tricks better than anyone. He'd never let me sly my way out of this with someone else.

I knew he'd be like this. I'd hardly expect him to call Emmet to do it. I'm not surprised.

I finished in the bathroom about 10 minutes later. I didn't need him coming to check on me for taking too long. I turned off the bathroom light and silently treaded across the bedroom to bed. Looking down and holding my breath the whole way, to see if I could hear Edward's breathing.

Even though there was never a word said between us at night. It was just easier to get into bed when he was already asleep.

It sounded like he was almost asleep, just hanging on the edge of it. I tried to settle into bed as best I could without disturbing him.

I don't know why it mattered. But I didn't want to wake him. I felt responsible for his sleep loss. Well….I AM responsible. He doesn't HAVE to get up with me during the night. I do it to get some distance, but he just follows anyway without a word.

I want to sleep in a different bed. One without him. But that, he'd never allow. We know I can't fight that battle. I know that if I ask him, he'll laugh. He knows why.

As I lay silently, trying to clear my mind, to fall asleep sooner, I heard Edward sighed in frustration. I left a small dip in the mattress and I shifted slightly towards the middle. Losing my view of the full window-wall of the Seattle lights. I just looked straight at the ceiling above instead.

I tensed when I felt Edward lean over and pull the sheets off me. I stayed completely motionless. I was confused at first, and then I remembered. He was being cruel again.

I closed my eyes and waited for him.

His hands gently grazed my hips a few times, moving up and down. Then settled to just holding me still, even though I didn't move. Or breathe for that matter.

He leaned down to just below my belly button, slowly pulling up my white silk night gown.

My breath hitched when he did so. Edward paused when he heard me. He's seen everything before. But it's been so long since; anything remotely sexual was a possibility.

When he realized I wasn't going to say or do anything, he pulled up my night gown until it exposed the area just below my belly button.

He ever so softly kissed the spot reverently. I closed my eyes tighter. I wanted to cry. I bit my tongue to fight it. But I still felt the tears welling up behind my lids.

Edward kissed the spot again, but when he raised his lips from my skin he said,

"Good night, baby, I love you".

He wasn't talking to me.

I pulled away and pulled down my night gown and threw the covers back over me. Edward went to his side of the bed and lay down again.

He hated me and it's my own doing.

I quickly went back to lying on my side, facing the view of Seattle lights. The tears that welled up from before were shed when I opened them. I felt the warm pools run down my checks. I clenched my fists to fight off making a sound. I didn't want Edward to know, he got what he wanted.

Unfortunately, I lost. A small sob escaped my lips. I knew he heard because, I felt the bed shift again. I knew he was in a slight sitting position looking at me. I could feel his eyes on my back.

I guess he thought I didn't have the right to cry. I had a slight victory though. The rest of the night, my cries were silent sobs. He wouldn't know I was crying anymore than the one sob he heard.

**EPOV**

I looked at her small shaking shoulders. I almost reached out to rub her back gently, but refrained from touching her more than I already had tonight. She would hate me more if I did.

I lay down again, and listened to her sniffles and shuddering breathes; and felt the bed shake subtly from her silent sobs until she quieted down and fell asleep.

I listened to her silent crying more times, than I'd like to recall.

I hated making her cry.

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**Please don't be afraid to review.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Bella mentions her eating difficulties. Pay attentioin.**

**P.S. It's my birthday. (Dec, 30th.)**

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**Bella Before Edward**

BPOV

Before Edward came into my life, it was pretty normal. High school was standard. I got good grades, stayed close to my friends up until we went our separate ways for college. I wasn't cool and I wasn't uncool. I was just standard, in the middle. I didn't date anyone; there wasn't anyone worth my time. It made it easy.

My parents, Charlie and Renee, well; they never intended to have me. Young lovers and such. They weren't prepared. While growing up and during high school, they gave me whatever I wanted, just to avoid trying to parent me. So I wouldn't come bother them. Throwing money my way at the slightest provocation. Dad was a cop and mom was a massage therapist. They lived in their own little world and I lived in mine.

Because of that, they didn't notice my eating disorder. It started out as a diet and wanting to be healthy freshman year. Then, it morphed into an obsession for control that stuck with me all four years. Because I couldn't control my parent's or make them care; I went to the one thing I did have direct control over, myself.

After reaching the goal weight I wanted, I took it further by working out more and eating less. Despite the fact that I got dizzy every time I stood up and only passing out a handful of times –while no one was around thank God, I was pleased with my new body.

My girlfriends would ask for tips and I gave then; knowing full well they wouldn't be getting the same results since I left out the part where, you can only eat as much dinner that will fit in a coffee cup and you have to work out no less than two hours _every_ day.

100 sit-ups. 100 crunches. 100 scissor-crosses. 80 squats with 8 pound weights in hand. 80 push-ups. 3 miles on the treadmill.

_Every day._

The only concern I got was from my mother. She questioned why I ate out of a coffee cup and I told her that it was because I wasn't that hungry or that I had a big snack before dinner. Which was all lies, and aren't moms suppose to know when their kids are lying?

Friends did notice and sometimes commented and asked why I wouldn't eat lunch. I'd just throw in a fresh stick of gum to replace the one I was chewing that morning for 'breakfast' and make jokes saying that most foods made my stomach upset and skirted away from the topic.

It wasn't obvious from an outsider. Everything looked normal, I had flesh to my bones and when I wore clothes you couldn't see the slight protrusion of hip bones, ribs, clavicles and chest bones, the poking out of veins in my hands extending to my wrists; I never lost my period or had any hair fall out.

I ate fruits and vegetables and I did once in a great while enjoy a slice or two of pizza or a few pieces of chocolate; which I paid dearly for after consumption. When your body is deprived of rich, greasy foods for so long, it loses the ability to process them without making your system go into a frenzy. I think having the occasional treat every here and there was what kept me going four years strong.

In high school, kids can only care so much about others before they whine, bitch and moan about their own ridiculous teenage angst troubles. In my head, I treated my eating obsession like a game. How long can I last? When would I break down and finally eat something?

My parents; two people who should've seen it all as it happened right under their noses, didn't notice.

I realized that I was just an unwanted third-wheel to their happy couple. I mean, we had dinner almost every night and did the holiday things. It's just that when we did family things, I felt like _I_ was the one intruding on _their_ dinners and holidays.

However, years later, during my second year in college, mom was diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer. She died 2 months later. Then, my dad died of a heart attack a year and a half after mom died. The doctor said that the combination of losing my mom and a poor diet, plus the added stress of being a cop did him in.

Honestly, I'll be very honest and say that I thought he would've died sooner. Mom was everything to him. If one went, the other shortly followed. The 'happy couple' still remained, alive or dead. I was devastated by the deaths of my parents. I'm not completely heartless. I lost both of them in such a short time. I didn't lose a mom and a dad; it was more like losing an aunt and uncle. I never had those either, but I can imagine it felt like that. We were never a close group. I mean, we just _weren't_. We didn't give hugs every time we went out or came back home. Affection was alien to me…

I was a very independent person. I leaned on no one, and I _needed_ no one. I took care of myself. My parents were gone, but I was self-sufficient long before then. I never worked thanks to my parents; throwing fistfuls of my favorite green item at me.

Since I was in college at the time, I decided to rent out my parents house. Owning property was an investment. I used the money from my parents life insurance to pay off the house and for their funeral expenses, then, let the rent money go towards my college life and my apartment rent.

I went to U. W. for college. Just to be amongst the busy city life. I loved being a student. I was majoring in Literature. I became close with Emmet during college. We met in a U.S. History class we shared. The first time we interacted was when I had to save his ass during a lecture.

He fell asleep, I elbowed him a few good jabs to the ribs to wake him. I gave him a stern look, and pointed to his notebook. He looked at the half filled page of his, then, glanced at my full page, then at the overhead with the notes, noticing the new topic of notes. He smiled at me then, began scribbling down information he was behind on. I smiled inwardly to myself. Emmet was a big guy, short dark hair, looked like a genuinely all around good person. He was.

After class he asked me for the notes he missed. I obliged. We got to talking while he copied; we've been friends ever since freshman year. His long time girlfriend Rose was a tough buy. We got along for Emmet's welfare. Unlike me, Emmet and Rose worked _and_ went to school.

Mostly, it was just Emmet and I, having coffee just to catch up or having lunch. Yeah, I said '_lunch'_. After losing my parents together so quickly and having hardly any time to fit in my work out routine with my heavy school schedule, I slowly and begrudgingly started eating somewhat like a normal person again. I still had issues with portion sizes; I never wandered far from eye-balling what a 'coffee cup' amount would be, because I liked having one ass and no saggy chin.

I guess when you eat with Emmet, any amount you eat would be considered small in comparison. I really enjoyed it when he practically forced me to eat a hamburger. I teasingly took a huge bite just to make him laugh, but then it was his turn to laugh uncontrollably when I _moaned, _loudly I might add when I took that bite. Emmet saved me too in a way.

I met someone else in college. A man.

Not him. Not that man.

Demetri. I met Demetri.

I fell and I didn't see it coming. It happened fast and hard. He was everything. My friend, my boyfriend, my lover, my first time; all in that order. He moved in with me 3 months after meeting in the library. His pen was out of ink.

I found myself in a 'happy couple' too.

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The baby issue from Cullen Crown is still the MAIN focus for this story. Don't worry :)

Bella's problem is based off of what I went through.

Do you like the new twist?

Please don't be afraid to REVIEW


	3. Chapter 3

**12/31/2010**

**There are no changes, except for a little of the dialogue. If your new to this story please read and review. My original readers, you don't have to :) but refreshing the memory is good too.**

Quotes from my birthday last night:

_Israel: "Steph, I'm just fucking with you."_

_Me: "Yeah well, I don't like the way you fuck." _

_Mario: "One day he'll(my brother) return the favor and help you out."_

_Me: "I'd have to make a mistake first."_

**REVIEW ANYWAY! :) please.**

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**Pack**

BPOV

Have you ever woken up with that 'ready to go' energy, with your senses monitoring all you hear, feel and smell, but your eyes didn't get the memo? Your mind and body are alight and ready but your eyes are still sleeping in. Welded shut, relentless to open despite your efforts.

This morning, is that very feeling. I personally call it that, "What the _fuck_" feeling. It's stupid. Everything is going off without a hitch, until there's just that _one_ splinter that fucks it up for the rest. My mind and body are ready, but stupid eyes are dormant, fucking it up for the rest of me.

I really don't have anywhere to go and certainly nothing to do. So this 'read to go' feeling is a complete waste on someone like me.

Since my eyes are going to be two lazy bitches this morning, I might as well decipher my surroundings, with eyes closed.

I feel the sheets around me and the soft pillow underneath my head. I know I'm facing the same direction I fell asleep in. The sunlight tells me I'm correct. I can see it through my lids. The curtains usually stay closed, until I feel like opening them. _Sunlight_. That's warming number one.

I don't particularly like have the curtains open when I'm still in bed. The view is nice but I may fall back again soon, just because I can.

I calmly, ever so discreetly take a slow measured breath through my nose in hopes of dissolving the lurking fear I have.

With that breath, I smell the same suffocating reek, that's been identified as my _husband_. It never goes away. All this time, I've never gotten used to it. But being caged in this apartment with _him_, would make it more, putrid. It's just as well, it helps me locate him. I catch a hint of something else, I remember that all too familiar aromatic. Alcohol. This, by the way, is warning number two.

_Clink._

I hear the sound of ice in a crystal glass. That single sound registers, and I instantaneously know I'm not in this room alone. My eyes snap open at the thought. They were unwilling before, but knowing what they do now, it no problem at all.

I wince. The sun is right in my line of sight. Fuck you, sense of sight. When they adjust, I see _him_.

Edward. Sitting casually in the plush chair by the full wall-window looking out onto the city of Seattle, with a tense expression. With one arm fully on the arm rest and the other arm rest, propping his elbow up; holding a clear amber drink with ice. The clink.

Looking like ever the gentleman, wearing a white button up dress shirt, black skinny tie, and shiny black dress shoes. If people could only see what I did when I looked at him, they'd never bother with him.

I tilted my head to my night stand to look at the time. 6:47 a.m. I turned my gaze back towards him and his amber drink. When he glanced at me I immediately shot my eyes out the window. He stayed focused on me.

It's hard to enjoy that view, when there's a hideously angry obstruction in the way.

My mouth is good for one thing. Two, depending on who you ask. It can either be blowjobs or being a mouthy bitch.

This _man_, only encourages one action from my mouth. I sighed.

"Early isn't it?" I mutter from my spot in bed, still trying to avoid the obstruction to my view.

I don't mean the time. He gets it though, my double meaning. He doesn't answer me. I didn't expect him to.

He goes back to looking out the window, bringing his drink to his lips and tips it back, making another clinking sound. He holds it in his mouth before slowly swallowing and savoring.

Breaking the silence, that lasted nearly two weeks. Without looking, he starts to speak. Not really to me, just, aloud. It's his method these days.

"I packed my things", he stated tersely.

I stiffened. My mind went haywire trying to conclude what he meant with the one statement. _Was he leaving for good? _He didn't have to travel for work, so that wasn't it.

While fielding through what he meant, he continued.

"You'll get yours packed as well…", still using the same rigid tone.

"Why?" I was confused. I have nothing to do with anything he does.

"I have business to attend to." Placing his empty glass on the window ledge.

"I have to pack _my things,_ so that _you_ can work?" annoyed at his thinking. He's not a stupid man, I've always gave him credit for it.

"You've misunderstood. You're coming with me".

I looked at him, mouth agape. He sounded so serious, I wanted to laugh. Realizing my husband's not a comedian; my laugh would've been misplaced if I had.

I scoffed at him. His ridiculousness. I rolled over in bed, the opposite direction of him muttering, "The _fuck_ I am," pulling the sheets over me.

He quickly got up from the chair and walked over to the bed, leaning over, placing both hands on either side of me. I crunched up into the fetal position, eyed closed and waited.

He was just inches above me, breathing heavily. Not because the 6 steps from the chair to the bed wore his out. He was trying to combat his rage.

Because I did the one thing, he considered, disrespectful. I won't pretend that I didn't discover _other_ forms. But this was easier to attain.

He leaned into the mattress even more, putting his weight into it. I could feel his breathe hitting my ear and side of my face. I lifted my hands to both ears to stop him breathing into it but it did nothing to block his seething words.

"Turn your back on me while I'm talking to you again, and you'll pray that _Christ_ himself saved you".

I flinched. He's nothing, if not a man of his word.

I felt entirely too trapped pinned underneath him. I pushed at his arm that was in front of me and scrambling quickly across the bed to the other side, jumping to my feet and out of the bedroom.

He came without hesitating, right after me, on my heels. Calling out to me, "Isabella!"

I nearly ran down the hall, making my way into the open living room and kitchen. Listening to his steps abound after me. I went straight to the fridge and began searching for nothing, just to occupy myself.

"You better be ready". Stopping at the wide archway to the kitchen, watching me.

"Where are _you_ going?" Ignoring his first statement and making no indication I was going with him. He ignored me as well.

I couldn't search threw the fridge forever, so grabbed a pear. Rinsed it, and started my hunt for a knife, opening and closing drawers. When I found the right one, I pulled a knife out. Just as I did, I felt a large hand wrap and squeeze around my wrist.

"You don't need it". He hissed in my ear.

Irritated, "I don't like the skin. I need it".

"The skin is good for you. You should try eating _more_ while you're at it."

"It doesn't fucking matter _anymore_, now does it?" I seethed at him. He knew what I meant. So smart.

He released my wrist. I chanced a glance at him and his eyes were pure fury. He watched me closely with the knife, never looking away while I used it.

"I'm going to my house", he responded at long last.

I scoffed, "Ok", still not making sense. He's already _in_ _his house_.

"You misheard. I mean, in Forks." It clicked. I knew this would come full circle back to me, somehow.

I walked into Edward's office, ignoring the slutty receptionist, muttering a brief "Hello" my way. I was top priority here, and was told I was always welcome. His head popped up from behind his computer. Working hard, not the other way around. He smiled wide at me

"Edward, I have a business matter" I huffed, walking around his desk, to be on the same side as him. I made my own seat on his desk, my thigh brushing against his hand that was occupying the mouse.

I had his full attention now.

"I need you to sell a house" I stated.

He raised his eyebrows in surprise, "Umm, honey, I'm not a realtor". I ignored the pet name. Affection isn't my middle name.

"Yeah, but you can make an ad or something right, to sell it?" motioning to his computer screen.

He laughed at me gently. "Bella, I didn't know you had a house."

I rolled my eyes and told him, "It's my parent's house; I've been renting it out. I got a letter saying it's in a state of repair, and no tenant would be willing to rent it in that condition."

He eyed me. "Why don't you fix it up? It's your _parent's house_; surely you don't want to sell it." He said, rubbing my knee soothingly.

I sighed in annoyed. Not for the knee, for the pleading in his voice for me not to sell it.

"I couldn't stand _it_ when I _did_ live there, and now it's a thorn to me _now_" I shrugged.

He relented, "I see", running a hand through his hair, sighing, "Give me the paper work and I'll take care of it. You won't have to handle it, if you don't want. I'll see what I can do".

I nodded with a small smile for him, and slide off his desk.

I told him I'd mail the paperwork to his office, where he'd definitely receive it. As I headed out of his office, his voice stopped me.

"Bella?"

I turned at waited for him to finish.

"What if I wanted it?" he shifted, slightly embarrassed. For a moment, I was puzzled why he would want it, but it didn't matter. I didn't want it.

I laughed a little, "Edward, in that case, the house is _all yours_", and walked out of his office with a wave.

I had plans with Demetri.

Looking at him now, I understood what house he meant, when he said "_my_". It was mine but legally his.

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Edward has never known about Bella's food obsession. Only Emmet. But that will be explained later on.

Please check out "Rising Dream, Falling Star" by MrsShortHand. It's really good.

"Letters to Isabella" by writerinmydreams007. I'm surprise _I'm_ not pregnant just from reading.

What happened to Sarah8989 writer of "I hate everything about you" Her stories and profile are gone.

New or Old readers, REVIEW


	4. Chapter 4

**1/1/2011**

**Happy New Year :)**

**I was told that my description of Bella's body in high school was morbid. To clarify, she wasn't a skeleton. The severity of it really ranges between light-medium. Thanks for coming on this ride with me; most of your for a second time. I can't wait to get the new chapter to you. After this post, I'm writing another. :)**

**Remember back when you all wanted Epov's? Well sweethearts, that's exactly what saved this story. The Bpov's from before were just filler and didn't do much for the story. I'm glad things worked out the way they did because now, without out her -nothingness- to slow me down, we can figure out the plot sooner through Edward.**

**I'm trying to move this re-post process along as fast as I can. Stay with me.**

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**Edward Before Bella**

EPOV

Life before her was grand; literally. The name stands alone doesn't it? Say "Cullen" in a crowded room and people will know. However, face recognition alone says it all.

I'm not jaded by the celebrity of it all. Carlisle and Esme were just a regular couple when Carlisle made it big as the best Surgeon in the state; on top of being in countless articles, newspapers and interviews for repairing a child that was severely burned in a fire.

People knew my mom and dad well. They knew me for being an eligible bachelor. I ignored that part. It's no one's damn business who I see or date, or have coffee with. Regardless, I rarely dated. I solely focused on school. I was not going to be a money leech just because of who my parents were.

I had dates for the events, dinners, galas and benefits Carlisle organized or the hospital held. I was merely an escort for those women really. Cashed in favors of Carlisle's good friends. I didn't mind helping my father; some of the women were decent enough for an educated conversation.

I always wanted to be more than just my name. School was everything for some time. Sure, I had my fun with women, and them, me. But I was headed towards a specific goal and I wasn't going to get hindered in anyway.

N.Y.U was fantastic. I was going for a double-major. I got my masters in business and advertizing. I wanted to show myself it could be done and hold my head up high. I really wanted my parents to be proud of my achievements. They worked hard and I needed them to see I could do my share.

I met a great friend and ally my second year. We've been brothers ever since. Jasper Whitlock. Great guy; I'm not afraid to say it. He also majored in advertizing but instead of business he minored in psychology.

His girlfriend Alice Brandon was a fashion major and had a great internship with Elle Magazine. She apparently helped with each season's collection.

I didn't know her too well; just that she was sweet and talkative. Alice worked long hours at the magazine, so we didn't see each other much. Jazz loved her to death and you just can't argue with anything that strong. Not that I would, because they are _great_ together.

Jazz said he didn't have much planned in the way of work when he graduated. I decided to offer him a top spot in advertizing with me. With my business degree I could open my own agency. That was the intention after all.

I've seen his work and he's a clever guy. I would quit instantly if I knew Jazz was on a competitors advertizing company. He's a force, and with the both of us, we'd be dangerous.

He heartily accepted my offer. We'd be working together, and it was great to know I'd have a loyal partner and best friend with me. We made plans to set up in Seattle after we graduated.

Alice was excited for us both. Jazz was worried she wouldn't want to leave the magazine. However, Alice felt that she was being held back from her true potential. She wanted to break away and create her own fashions. She said she had enough experience from watching the other designers she worked with to make it on her own.

I would never call her out on it, and I believe that she felt held back, but, I think she did it for Jazz. She would never deny that man a thing, nor he, her. He would do the same.

That's real love. Sacrificing yourself to boost the other. I couldn't be happier for them and more envious at the same time.

After moving back to Seattle and setting up the agency, Jazz and I worked on projects for small businesses within the city and surrounding areas.

Alice was working as a personal shopper for a lawyer and plastic surgeon. She even created a few pieces, for them to try, which they loved. As it turns out, Alice was thriving since she worked and had time to create.

Then, one night after working late to finish up a project, I decided to finally get in contact with a financial advisor I had been hearing good things about.

Jazz had left to meet Alice for their 3 year anniversary, so I was working solo. No big deal to me. They're still love sick after 3 years. I got to love them for that.

It changed everything.

That one phone call.

I had called the center of what would become my world to me, without even knowing it.

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**Thanks to: Tia (california, like me) - who is probably my neighbor lol, Heather (Pennsylvania) and Tara (Australia). _Unwavering_ support. I'm in awe of you.**

**Everyone has been incredible. There's so many of you, but I want you to know that _I know _and remember your Acct. names and your not forgotten by me. I recognize everyone that I hear from. And if you're new, please join in. It's alot of fun.**

**Lets get those review numbers back up there lol I hate this 20 review stuff.**

**REVIEW :)**


	5. Chapter 5

**1/02/2011**

**Hang in there, we're close you guys!**

**Review :)**

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**Dive Deep**

**BPOV**

Nothing else was said after my husband had _demanded_ what I needed to do before he came back. I listened from the bathroom, as he zipped up his second suitcase of clothes. I heard the wheels roll down the dark wood hallway, growing fainter as he receded to the door, which I heard slam a minute later. He didn't say where he was going; not that I expected him to. All I could guess was work. After all, he practically caged me in this apartment for nearly two weeks with him, never speaking once until this very morning.

I gazed over at the bathtub. I wouldn't call what took place there a few weeks ago an accident, incident or on purpose. It just happened. It caused this fucking ridiculous house arrest.

**(FB)**

He was going to a fundraiser or some shit. No, he didn't say so. But I knew this routine. I came home from a day of shopping, shit-talking and perhaps a few rounds of drinks too many with other unhappily married wives. Hanging my choice selections in the closet, I heard the shower running. I looked over my shoulder to where his formal wear lay on the bed. I hadn't caught it before. Any time, he was in the shower after 5 p.m., I knew another night of glitz and champagne was in order.

He never asked me to go with him, and I never wanted to go. Not that he would know, since he _never_ _asked me to_.

The showered turned and I started shoving my bags into the closet, bolting from the room, before I was discovered. I ran swiftly on my toes down the hall, trying my best to be quiet but faltered some due to my slight intoxication into the guest bedroom. This room was supposed to be decorated but we never got that far. I sat in the chair and leaned my head back hoping to get some clarity.

About 20 minutes later, I heard the acute sound of dress shoes tapping and clinking down the hall past the guess bedroom I was in. I ran to the door and pressed my ear against it to hear where he ventured to. I heard him make his way to the front door and stop. He let out a deep breath, grabbed something that had a soft tinkling of keys, then opened and slammed the door.

I jumped, forgetting his favorite hobby. He didn't even _see me_. He didn't even know that I came home! But he somehow knew I was within the apartment walls. He ever slammed unless I was around. It irritated me that he _knew_ without seeing me that I was here. My hazy head and my agitation got the better of me.

I stormed out of the room and headed to entry way of the apartment and screamed at the top of my lungs.

"_**FINE GOD DAMMIT! YOU FUCKING PRICK!" **_Throwing up a middle finger at the door, as angry tears spilled down my cheeks.

I'm sure if neighbors cared enough to make a call; they'd have building security sent.

I was sick of him knowing. He thinks he's so fucking smart. Parading around like _knows_ every fucking thing there is to know.

I marched straight into the kitchen, still muttering, _"fine, god damn fucking prick!"_ until I reached the cupboard that held liquid gold. Grabbing any bottle my hand met first, it didn't matter, in truth, they all tasted exactly the same. I took a good, six or seven mouthfuls of whatever I had. My eyes watered, my throat and chest burned. Within a few minutes I started to feel a stronger haze descend. I threw the bottle to the tile kitchen floor, watching it shatter and splash against my lower legs and all over. I didn't give a shit, I wasn't cleaning it up. I don't clean. I'm not going to start either.

Some time later, I decided I wanted a bath. I usually never took them since I didn't want to have a run in with _him_. Even though there was another bathroom to use. I stumbled into the bathroom and started the tap. I took off my shoes, but when I went for my jeans, I saw the wet legs from the broken bottle in the kitchen. I decided to save time by leaving them on, so that they could wash in the tub.

Being drunk made me want to try things. Things I hadn't thought about before until now. I know he said to never touch his things. But this is for science, so fuck him and what he said. I've never crossed him when it came to his belongings and I didn't know what he'd do if he found out. I was bold when drunk.

I padded to his closet, pausing before opening the door. In the corner were a few circular bench press weights. He had one sitting out there on the balcony, but it showed no evidence of use. I couldn't carry a 50 lb one so; I hauled the 20 lb to the tub with me.

I wanted see how long I could hold my breath under water. I've never tried it before. Alcohol always made me curious.

I sloshed into the tub fully clothed, resting a few minutes to take in the warm enveloping feel of the warm water. I sunk down under, bringing the weight with me. I rested it on my chest to make sure I didn't ruin the experiment, by rising up. Some air escaped when I did so, the extra weight took away my lung space. I waited. It was absolutely silent. Everything in the bathroom was completely still, unmoving.

My thoughts from earlier came back to my blurry mind. _He_ thinks he knows everything. I could garan-fucking-tee that he had no damn clue about what was going on in_ his_ apartment, in _his_ bathtub, while _he_ was attending another Benefit or Gala in _his_ fucking Armani.

_Fuck him._

The only thing I heard was my heart beating in my ears. At first, I counted my heart beats. After about a minute they began to slow. I learned years ago in biology that, my heart was slowing down, trying to reserve the oxygen in my blood. I'm smart too. Not just _him_. When the beats weren't enough to occupy my mind, I started counting minutes. My mind was already hazy from the alcohol, and the counting made my eyes start to droop. My lungs already were already burning and my whole body felt tingly. My arms felt weightless and my head started throbbing. My body, feeling all of that and all I felt was calm.

My mind went to thinking about a certain man. One that once said he loved me and would always be with me but instead had screwed me over. The second time, I purposely let him screw me because I was disgusted with myself. I thought back to all the things he said to me, all the stolen moments with him, feeling happy with him, when really it was all lies. While thinking about Demetri, another man walked into the bathroom.

I just barely noticed threw my blurry watery vision that he had already removed his suit jacket, unbuttoned his dress shirt, loosened his tie and took off his dress shoes when his face went completely ashen, as his lips said something I couldn't hear.

I looked straight at him as he took me in. His eyes locked with mine through the water.

He lunged for me. I was terrified immediately. I used his weight. I didn't know what he would do, but I was about to find out. He wielded the weight off of me causing my lungs to expand, making me suck in water. He grabbed the back of my neck along with some hair and jerked me up. I started coughing and gasping and choking from the water I breathed.

"WHAT THE FUCK WHERE YOU DOING!" His first words to me in 9 days and that's what he says. He gripped my wet shirt by the front of my shoulders, shaking me slightly, dragging me out of the tub and heaved me to the floor on my side still coughing.

"God damn you, why would you do that?" His voice sounded uncertain. It wasn't really a question to be answered. I knew he would be pissed about me touching his stuff.

He tried to look me over but I pushed away his hands weakly each time. I was too exhausted to fight him, so just laid there breathing heavily. He was sitting at my side but I ignored him. Too pissed that he ruined it.

After about a minute he sat me up, still too drunk to argue what his vile hands were doing. He reached for the hem of my shirt and pulled it up and off. Whatever, I just sat there slumped against the tub, looking blankly ahead. He undid my jean button and zipper, then slowly tugged them off as well, leaving me in my underwear. He brought me a long sleeved shirt and a pair of pajama pants. He carefully helped me into them. He walked closely behind me to bed. Then went and changed out of his suit. I was asleep before he came back.

See. He didn't know _everything_.

**(Present)**

I spent the rest of the day doing what I did best; _nothing_. I was hell bent on telling him I wasn't going and I didn't pack. But when I realized I had 10 minutes before he came home, I grabbed my toiletries and whatever my hands grabbed from my closet and dresser drawers.

We pulled up to '_his house'_ but really it was where I once lived. It was old, messy, desperately in need of a new coat of paint – but it was beautiful. Large and detailed.

Edward got out of the car and headed over to a blonde haired man that was sitting on the porch. He gave him a hug and smiled. Edward's best friend.

They said a few words then Edward turned to look at me, still sitting in the car. He turned back to his friend, Jazz. We knew each other; had for the last two years. He and Edward worked together; enough said.

I groaned and got out heading to them hesitantly. Edward huffed and went to grab the bags from the car. Jazz nodded and gave me a smile. He patted his hand on my shoulder, "Bella, it's good seeing you again." I eyed him cautiously, "Yea, I bet."

Edward breezed past me while nodding to Jazz, "Thanks again man, I'll call you."

Jazz smiled and headed towards a dirt path at the edge of the property. It was a little odd, he didn't have a car. The house was situated a ways outside of Forks. Neighborhoods didn't exist out here, just large acreages. My parents valued owning property.

Edward already entered the house, leaving my bags at the top of the stairs. I stopped just inside the entry way trying my best not to panic. I felt sick.

I'm back.

**EPOV**

When Jazz and Alice moved out here to start anew, they bought a house out here in Forks, away from the city. Alice said that all those years of city life made her realize how much she missed silence and open spaces.

Of course _at the time_, I had no clue that before ever meeting _her_ and long before buying thehouse from her, that it would be two lots away from Jazz and Alice's place. I didn't miss the irony that was written all over this situation. It's not like Bella talked about her childhood home and it's _exact_ location with Alice so, none of us knew that we'd all be so close; until I bought the house at least.

I came out here for one thing really. I wanted a project. I couldn't stand the repetitive routine I made. I would work, and then I'd come home to deal with Bella and whatever shit she was getting herself into. It was _everyday_ and I was losing it. Fixing the house would keep me occupied.

Bella couldn't be trusted. The shit she pulled 2 weeks ago…

I'll never forget the sight and I'll never forget the feeling…_ drowning herself…._

She could swear up and down that it wasn't intentional, but I knew better. I knew why and denial was written all over. She'd never admit it.

The city wasn't good for her. I couldn't leave her unattended and I couldn't watch her either. So I removed the problem. I took her with me out of the city. Even though she loved it there. There was nothing out here for her to get into trouble.


	6. Chapter 6

**1/3/2011**

**My heart swells when I see my original readers reviewing.**

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**Makes It Worse**

**BPOV**

The house was and wasn't my house. I had memories here, but the house that stood when those memories were made, didn't look like the same house now. The furniture was all different. I wasn't surprised, I knew it would be. Different tenants changing it to their liking. Rooms were painted differently, or had wallpaper. The wood floor were still there, however, they needed a cleaning and polish. It was in a state of repair still, from when I relinquished my rights to it, up to now. It wasn't altered. It wasn't falling down or anything, but it really needed work.

I finally got my wish, without asking. I slept in the guest bedroom that was on the other side of my old room and Edward took what used to be my parent's room.

Movers came and unload some furniture and boxes from the apartment in Seattle. Edward had so thoughtfully left it up to me to unpack everything. I made damn sure that they hauled the few pieces of furniture that came from the apartment into the house. I know some movers think they can just pile it all in the entry way of the house and bolt but I don't play like that. I directed to where the pieces were to be placed throughout the house. They may have been pissed about taking them up the stairs but, that's what they were being paid for.

**(FB)**

Since meeting Demetri, Emmet and I had grown apart somewhat. I was no longer desperate to hang out with him because I was lonely or bored. Plus, Emmet had Rosalie. I didn't want to be _another_ third wheel in a set of people's lives again. And not to mention Jessica and Lauren had boyfriends too.

But now with Demetri, I was never a wheel of any number. I was wanted and even _needed _in certain areas of our relationship. I was loved. He said he loved me. This was unlike anything I've known; my parents never gave me these feelings. I loved him all the more for replacing any feelings of unworthiness.

Even though I wasn't as thin as I used to be in my high school days, he still wanted to be with me and thought I was sexy.

It was Demtri's birthday. He was turning 27. He said it didn't make him look good to have his girlfriend take him out to dinner, so he was taking _me_ out instead, regardless that it was _his_ day. If he wasn't amazing enough, he gave _me a present. Me!_ A stunning black and white Chanel dress, with an equally stunning pair of black heels. He knew my adoration of Chanel.

To show my thanks I gave him a blowjob before he left for work. I wasn't going to give him the 'main course' when we had a whole evening planned. I had all day to get ready, so I went to the spa and got everything prepared for him. Wrapped, massaged, and waxed, then my hair and makeup at the salon.

I didn't work and I had payments from the house coming in from renting tenants. But, that check wasn't enough to cover this tab, plus I had half the rent to pay. So I dipped into the small reserve I had left from parents. It wasn't much, just a few thousand.

Unfortunately, Demetri got a call from a client when he picked me up. I was pissed, and bitched at him, even though it was his birthday, I didn't care. I didn't want my night interrupted. He said that while he was in his early stages of his career that he wanted to make a good impression. Luckily, the office was in the city and only a few blocks from the restaurant.

He swore that he'd meet with them quickly and reschedule to have a proper meeting later.

We walked into the receptionist area, where a slutty girl was sitting at her desk. She looked up at us, "Hi, are you the financial advisors?" Looking at Demetri in unabashed lust. She's stupid too.

"Uh, It's just me, I'm the advisor" Demetri acknowledged, eyeing her head to toe.

"Oh, sorry. He stepped out not too long ago. He should be back any minute." She didn't even call Demetri to tell him his client left. Stupid slut.

I glared at her. She was too busy to notice; eyes stuck on Demetri in his dark grey suit.

"I love your dress, very pretty", taking in my appearance, at long last.

"I can imagine _why_, it's _Chanel._" I wasn't being rude, I was being honest.

I put my arm around Demetri's waist, "He bought it for me," staking my claim.

"Are you headed somewhere? It must be a nice place." She asked still faking nice.

"It's my birthday" Demerti intervened with a sweet smile.

"Oh! Happy birthday then."

"Yes, it is. We _were_ heading out to dinner, but then _this_ ruined our evening." I said with the most irritated tone.

"Forgive me. I didn't mean to spoil a birthday and special evening out tonight."

Demetri and I turned to the voice. I gave Demetri's hand a squeeze just out of shock. I talked to him a few weeks back at the café; when he asked me out. Then for the hell of it, I kissed him.

When the girls and I walked away from the café that afternoon, Lauren told me who he was and who his father was. I had heard of Carlisle from Emmet, and that he ate dinner with the family from time to time but, never did I think that Carlisle's son would be _here _of all places, standing before my eyes.

It _is_ a small world.

Edward Cullen was just slipping his phone into his pant pocket and heading towards us. He smiled at me. I leaned into Demetri, proving to Edward that I didn't make anything up. It was all so sad. He must be ecstatic that I'm here.

Demetri held out his hand for the two men to shake hands, "Hello, Mr. Cullen, I came as soon as I got the call." Putting on his professional face.

"Yes, I truly appreciate you coming on such short notice, but it seems to have been made in vain. This shouldn't be how any birthday should be spent. Especially on my account. You should've said something" He glanced at Demetri and mine's clasped hands. His smile faltered just barely.

He didn't seem like he was going to make it known that we had met before.

"No, not at all. I take calls seriously. I do what I can for my clients, regardless of the date." Demtri was really trying to sell it.

"Well, its one thing to care about your clients, but it's certainly another, to make sure the Angel on your arm is taken care of, regardless who calls on any day." He smiled at me again. I made a scoffing sound.

"Oh yes, sorry. This is my girlfriend Bella." He tugged me forward slightly. He misinterpreted me. My scoff was because Edward Cullen thought he could say whatever he wanted just because of who he was.

I gave a small wave.

"Hello." He said with a nod my way.

"I think we should reschedule. Had I known it was a special day for you, I wouldn't have called" he reasoned.

I rolled my eyes.

"Demetri, we're already late for our reservations, please reschedule" I pouted a little, knowing I'd win.

I did.

The two rescheduled and exchanged business cards. As we were leaving Edward said that we were both welcome anytime. He said the last part looking at me with a gentle smile.

**EPOV**

She was sparkling; her whole being was aglow. Smooth shimmery legs, powder soft skin, silken hair, gently glossed lips, glittering eyes. She was an angel. God loved me; however, this was a truly bittersweet kind of love.

I never thought I'd see her again. I knew nothing would come of my efforts. She had a boyfriend. She didn't lie when she turned me down at the cafe. I'd never compromise anything in her life, regardless of what I wanted. If she was happy, I'd never come between what she had. Who was I to do so?

Seeing her in my office, looking as she did was something only God could allow. It was like _she_ came to _me_. My joy was short lived. I had a reality check. She was taken and he was with her. My financial advisor for the next few weeks.

I'm a stupid man. The minute Bella told me her boyfriend's name at the café; I had erased it from memory. I didn't need that information. All I knew afterwards was that, I didn't have a chance with her. So, low and behold when I called Demetri for assistance, the name Bella told me and the man I called, never clicked.

As a peace offering, by letting her know that I had no ill will towards her and Demetri, I told her she was welcome in my office anytime. If she wanted to visit with him while he worked with me, she could. I had hoped, if anything, I could gain a friendship. Demetri's, since I'd be working with him. He seemed like a good man. I can't argue that. And her's, if she'd want to get to know me.

**(Present)**

When I came home from work Bella had handled the movers. Boxes littered the hallway and were piled up but, I don't do messy. After having a painfully silent dinner and Bella headed up to her room for the night, I gathered up what was mine and sorted it. Most of it was my clothes went to my room, while some things were placed in the office downstairs.

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**The traffic graph has been down, so I don't know how many hits I'm getting.**

**I love to hear your thoughts :)**


	7. Chapter 7

**1/4/2011**

**I hope you're all doing well.**

**This is my favorite chapter. It makes me smile.**

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**In The Bag**

**EPOV**

Work.

I love my work. How many people get to say they're doing what they love alongside their best friend, who also loves what they do? Not many. I consider myself a very fortunate man; not including the fortune of money that I've amassed.

Fortunate, meaning, the people I love most in my life. My parents, Jazz, Alice…_Bella._ I guess you couldn't say we had love between us anymore; if ever, according to her. What I feel now is more, a responsibility, obligation, an unrelenting _plague._

Had I known. Well, isn't that what we all say? If I'd known shit was gonna happen, I'd what?

If I was given a thousand chances to do it over again, I wouldn't change it. I couldn't, even when wanting to. The predicament was precarious at best. The worst part, no one was innocent. All three of us were left standing, but bleeding none the less. Bella, Demetri and myself.

I'm so _fucking_ done. I'm tired of thinking about this again. No matter how much I analyze where it possibly went wrong, the situation was still the same. I could replay it as much as I wanted, each person reacting differently and the end result being better than what it was now. It didn't fucking matter. Moving out of Seattle was the best thing. In both our lives. Like she'd fucking see that though.

_Well, I call the motherfucking shots now sweetheart_.

I've let her have control for far too long. The decisions she's made in the past have proven that she's not capable of such responsibility. Looking back, I see that I single handedly watched her torch everything to shit. But that's done with.

What's sad is that, she was never a stupid girl. She's smart, or _was_ smart. She was lively, vibrant, and confident. The world at her feet, and in the palm of her hand. She was powerful, lethal to other women. But she threw it away. She did it because she got spooked. I know she was scared, but regardless, she could've gone about it another way. Now, she's just a black hole in my mind, my heart…

I learned early on, after everything went to hell, that work was my escape. Focusing purely on my projects, my clients and partnering with Jazz got my mind to completely eliminate the searing disgust that was Bella.

Jazz knew some of what went on but not everything. He and Alice had spent time together with Bella and me a few times, but that was before she was with me. We were just friends then. We all hung out in a group over dinner or had a movie night. Bella had Demetri, plus a long time friend, Emmet, who would bring his girlfriend, Rosalie; and I'd bring along dates, not to be singled out.

Jazz was my best man at the wedding. I wouldn't have it any other way. Dad felt that it wouldn't be right if he was my best man. I loved him even more; I knew he was stepping aside for Jazz. He knew that I saw Jazz as my brother, because he was. Dad said he was happier to sit with mom and enjoy the view of his son getting married.

My parents had met Bella through Emmet. Unbeknownst to us, Emmet was practically her brother and had invited her along one night having dinner at our house. Back then, you could be smitten with Bella with one look. Esme adored her instantly. Carlisle too was impressed by who she was, not what she was. He didn't care about status, never did. He loved her personality. So kind and all around lovely.

_She was a great actress_. Really, she fooled the almighty Carlisle and Esme. Worst of all, she fooled me. The very person who should've seen it. However, too little too late. The damage has already been done.

Sitting at my desk going over the final draft for my client, twisting my wedding ring as a nervous habit, trying not to think about my _wife_, because I, in all honesty shouldn't give a _fuck_, which I don't, but not getting anywhere, Jazz decided to pop in and take a seat in front of my desk.

I smirked at him and sighed. He looked at me all knowingly. I knew what was coming.

"She doesn't seem dangerous Edward. You don't have to keep her hidden away. Maybe if Alice-"

"Jazz "I said sternly. He thinks because he met her again at the house that he can bring this up, but he knows better than to bring this up with me. After my rude awakening to what Bella was, I refused to let anyone I loved to associate much with her. Jazz and Alice, my mom and dad have barely seen or spoken to Bella in months.

Bella was all for it. She wasn't going to fight it. I thought she might've, since my parents were fond of her and she and Carlisle were 'in cahoots' with each other from the word go but, she just went along with it. She acted like it had no affect on her. She had been planning on exiling herself.

"Alright, well how was the move? How are you both doing now that you're out of the city?"

"To be honest, I don't know. I'm good I suppose. I'll always have the apartment since I paid in full for it. As for her, I don't give a fuck how she's doing."

"Edward" Jazz grimaced.

"What?" truly curious. "I don't care how she feels about being there or how she's adjusting or if she doesn't want to be there. This was my decision and she'll damn well learn to like it."

"It sure sounds like you care Edward, for someone who says they don't." He quirked an eyebrow at me.

I didn't say anything.

Jazz simply nodded and went back to his office. He knew I wasn't mad, and I knew he wasn't either. In some situations, either he or I would call out what whatever was bothering us, skipping the bullshit.

**(FB)**

On the first day, I found Demetri already at the receptionist desk, talking with Tanya. He said that since this was going to be his home for the next few weeks, he wanted to get acquainted with the office. Demetri was a great financial advisor. He was fairly my age, which was young considering, but he was successful like me. He knew his stuff, which benefited my company well. I didn't really need him, but it's always good to have a second source to confirm accounts and spending dynamics.

All was well between us. I never mentioned Bella, unless he initiated bringing her up. We talked about the casual things here and there; about women in general. I realize some of the things he said when it came to sex or women, that it was really Bella he was talking about. It was unsettlingly awkward. But what could I do? I took it with a grain of salt. No guy wants to hear from another guy, about the sex he's having with the girl he's into.

Bella did stop by a few times to take Demetri to lunch. We'd exchange brief "hello's" or "how's it going?" but nothing leading into deep conversations.

One day, Demetri and I were going over some files when he got a text. It was most likely Bella. So, I let him go to lunch a little early. I didn't want to make her unhappy, by extension, keeping him here. But when Bella walked into my office 20 minutes later, holding a lunch bag, I was surprised that Demetri hadn't returned with her.

She looked a little embarrassed, scanning the office before her eyes landed on me at my desk, "Oh hey Edward, umm is Demetri around?"

"Uh, no. He stepped out a little early today. I thought he was with you." I confessed.

"Oh. No, I thought I could surprise him today. He wouldn't be expecting me. I guess I missed him then huh." Throwing up her hands up, as if to say "what can you do". She nodded at me and began to back out of the office door.

"Bella." I called stopping her exit. She looked at me in surprise, not expecting me to.

"I was just about to have lunch, would you like to join me? I could use the company." motioning to the chair in front of my desk.

She shrugged, looking behind her into the receptionist's area, then back to me and nodded, walking to the seat I offered. I cleared my desk to make room. I retrieved my lunch from the bottom desk drawer and sheepishly laid out my lunch of; tuna sandwich on oat nut bread, pear, apple and thermos of orange juice. Bella wasn't as shy. She had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with a small plastic bag with about a hand full of foil wrapped chocolates.

I decided to be daring and sneak a peek at Bella. She had a small smile on her face. I followed to where her eyes were looking; my lunch. She glanced up to me, taking a bite of her sandwich. I did the same.

"A packed lunch?" she asked curiously, breaking the silence first. I finished chewing, but kept my eyes on my lunch.

"Yea, why not? It's cheaper. Plus, saves me a trip and the time going to an eatery during the lunch hour rush." I reasoned, but ultimately feeling silly for having a packed lunch like a child.

She laughed at my response. "Frugal are we, Mr. Cullen?" I smiled.

I shook my head and took a sip of my drink, replying, "Just modest" taking in her expression. She simply shrugged and nodded, taking another bite. I noted she didn't have a drink, so scooted my juice across the desk and pointed towards her sandwich; referring to her peanut butter, which isn't the best to have glued to the roof of your mouth. She understood and smiled, taking a sip before talking again.

"I see 'big boobs' isn't here." playing with the crust of her sandwich.

I coughed in surprise at her, question? Statement? Remark. I didn't understand what she meant. "Pardon" taking a sip of my juice again.

"Your receptionist. She's not there. I mean, _someone's_ there, but it's not the usual girl."

I laughed silently, realizing who she meant and the fact she called her out on her 'fake' big boobs, "You mean Tanya?" I checked my watch, "I guess she went to lunch a little early" not mad that she did, just surprised.

"Is that why you hired her?"

"Because of her boobs? No. " She relaxed in her seat. "I hired her cause of her ass, and maybe cause of her mouth." I winked. Bella's eyes widened considerably in shock.

"Bella I'm kidding!" I couldn't hold my laughter. She raised her arm, prepared to launch her sandwich crust at me for teasing her. I was amazed I got the words out. I'd never speak about a woman like that and I did feel a little guilty that I said it about Tanya, she was a decent secretary.

"You better be joking." she said lowering her arm.

"I don't date co-workers. I know some men find it appealing but I just find it typical to go out with his assistant or secretary from work. Besides, it would make working together after a break-up awkward."

Bella "Hmm"-ed in response while eyeing the pear I had on my desk. I felt bad that I was still eating while she had finished her tiny lunch, so I passed the pear to her.

"Oh no Edward that's ok, I'm-"

"You're eating it. End of story." Raising an eyebrow, daring her to argue.

She relented and accepted, "Alright. Thanks."

"Of course." finishing my sandwich and starting on my apple. It was pleasantly quiet for a few moments, just enjoying our fruit. We've never really been alone with, other than the time we first met at the cafe. This was the first time since Demetri started working with me, that we've been alone together.

She poked at the bottom of a picture of my parents on my desk, scooting it around until it faced her. Bella studied it with raised eyebrows and nodded, adding a click with her tongue. She smiled at me from her seat and poked the picture back in place, facing me.

"You lied." Bella accused looking at me.

"What?"

"You lied about me. He doesn't know that we've met before. Why haven't you said anything? Why haven't you ratted me out by now?" she seemed upset that I haven't.

"Why would I do that? I mean, it seems a little awkward to be telling him now, after we've worked together for weeks. I didn't know that's something you'd want to have broadcasted."

She played with her half eaten pear, turning it in her hands before speaking again.

"Because I kissed you...I thought you would've told him."

"I'm nobody's rat." I said with absolute seriousness. I'd never reveal her secret.

"Thank you then, even though you didn't kiss me, I kissed you."

I smiled, "You're welcome."

I started cleaning up my lunch and picked up her trash as well. Bella leaned back in her chair and watched me. I ducked my head under the desk to throw it in the garbage when she asked right above my ear…

"Would you like a kiss?" her hot breath hitting my cheek.

Stunned by her question, I hit my head on the way up from under the desk. Immediately feeling stupid when I saw her leaning over in my direction, holding a foil wrapped chocolate kiss in her palm.

I laughed from embarrassment, feeling myself turn slightly pink. She too, was smiling profusely trying not to laugh. She got me. Bravo Bella.

"I would, thank you Bella."

I accepted her candy and ate it. Humming in delight from chocolate ecstasy on my tongue.

"Which one are you thanking me for?" her tone was too amused.

I shrugged, feigning her flirtations, but truly loving it, "Your choice." I smiled.

"How was it?" she asked smirking. I knew she meant the chocolate.

"Good." I said, fully meaning _her actual kiss from the cafe_. But she doesn't need to know that.

"Which one?" she giggled. _Clearly _she knew what she was implying with her question.

Bella wanted to play. Well, I can play just as much, if not better. I took a serious pause, letting her believe I was truly deliberating which was better.

"Don't you know? I don't kiss and tell." Looking her straight in the eye. Shock washed over her face, and then quickly leaned over swatting my arm in laughter, realizing my pun. I quickly cracked as well, laughing right along with her.

After wiping away her happy tears, she wrote down her number on a post-it and took one of my personal business cards from my desk. That was the day she declared us friends.

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**No Edward isn't very suave and he's far from the uber perfect man I've read about. He's fumbles like any other regular guy. I love him and he is my HEARTWARD :)**

I'm always open for questions, you just have to ask :)

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	8. Chapter 8

**1/6/2011**

**I wasn't going to update today but then I recieved some news I wanted to share with all of you.**

February 1st, I will be seeing **_Conan O'Brian!__ (CoCo)_**

**_Originally I wanted tickets in April in hopes of seeing Pattinson as a guest promoting Water for Elephants but that mission is still in process. If you haven't read WFE please do. It's an excellent book. I've read it twice!_**

**_Also, I got my chapters crossed. Chapter "Family Conference" is suppose to take place after this chapter "Visitation Rights." If you go back and read the very end of "Family Conference" from (Present) this chapter will make sense._**

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**Visitation Rights**

**BPOV**

After taking my first steps from the porch, I was lost.

Left or Right.

It was a Saturday, which I thought would be the safest time for a journey. Edward hadn't come home during the night from his parents, and when I woke up to an empty house - knowing beyond a doubt that I was alone - I was filled with an odd feeling of determination, which I was sure was born of jealousy. If Edward could go out, if he could leave me alone without a care in the world, why couldn't I do the same?

Left leads to a finite location- town, while right means vanishing into the trails.

I wanted to do right, choose right, be right. I've done _wrong,_ chose _wrong,_ been _wrong._

Setting off in my chosen direction, in hopes of being able to say I chose right, knowing I couldn't any other way. I headed for the trails.

I craned to look back one last time toward the house before settling on the small dirt path leading to trees. It's a mad house, the two residents so hell bent on making the other suffer with hostility.

Trying to end the choking I was doing inside, nature and cool fresh air would free me.

I walked while listening to crunching of rock and dirt under my boots, regarding the atmosphere of tree and animal about me.

Noticing the dirt and rock began to mix with moss and growing vines, I looked up. The path ended, in front of me was thicker, denser trees covered in foliage around them. Not wanting to return to an empty house, I took 20 steps deeper into the woods before chickening out.

Returning I came across a small hill I hadn't acknowledged before, or maybe had forgotten in my years away from this place. Reaching the top I saw a large property with a house residing near the back, a wide patchwork of fences.

I started walking again, toward the house, not knowing what I was doing or what to expect.

My eyes watched the horses that were spread out, grazing contentedly in the enclosed pastures. Upon closer inspection, getting closer, the house became a large cabin chateau. It was built from beautiful dark logs, stacked and lashed together artfully, with a truck in the driveway.

I froze when I saw a figure step from inside, onto the porch with a broom. I thought of turning back, being more than halfway, I had to finish.

I hesitantly started walking again, slower. I squinted trying to discern any physicality, while they began sweeping the porch.

The figure had short dark hair, possibly a man. The frame of this figure was small, fair skin color. Something in me registered, recognized these traits from someone I met before. The person turned and began sweeping the second half of the porch, giving view to their face. I know that face, or _knew_ that face.

Alice, wearing an oversized N.Y.U. sweatshirt and black leggings.

I knew she and Jazz lived out here, certainly not where. My mind couldn't fathom having her within distance. It scared me.

I didn't know Alice or Jazz's work schedule. Now that I was here, I couldn't help but think that I was being incredibly rude and imposing.

Alice was standing in front of me suddenly, her surprise evident in every line of her delicate face. She was holding the broom; her cheeks were flushed and she smelled like hay and grain

Before I could turn around and walk back home, I heard a very surprised voice say, "Bella?"

"Hi, Alice," I said quietly, hit with a sudden wave of embarrassment. Why the hell had I come?

"About time. What took you so long?," Alice smirked at me, quirking one eyebrow.

My face flushed as I tried to think of an appropriate response, something that wouldn't immediately give away my lack of knowledge of her and Jazz's life. I've tried to forget everything I knew regarding Edward's friends after I was cut off from them.

She seemed to sense I had no idea what to say, so she interjected, "Come in, won't you?" She moved to one side – holding the door wide – so that I could step in past her. I nodded gratefully and stepped into the warmth of the little cabin.

I heard Alice close the door behind me and then she was in front of me, walking and motioning me in cordially. "I heard you and Edward were moving out here, so I figured you guys would be pretty busy getting everything situated over there," she commented as she walked, her hands moving slightly in emphasis. Then she looked back at me and added, "I'm really glad you found the time to come visit."

I wasn't sure how to respond, once again.

The first floor of the house was, essentially, one large room. I followed Alice in silence as she lead me through the little kitchen area towards the back where there were a few large chairs arranged merrily around the fireplace. She motioned for me to sit down with a smile and I sunk into one of the larger armchairs quickly.

I glanced around me and saw a small, spiraling staircase that stretched up to the open second floor of what appeared to be a small bedroom which lead onto the little outdoor balcony I had seen above the porch.

"So what brings you over to our neck of the woods?" Alice asked, interrupting my quiet perusal. I looked back at her, to find her sitting opposite me, her face open and friendly in its inquiry.

I was struck momentarily mute, perhaps shocked by the sudden demand for my verbal participation. I must have looked ridiculous as I sat there, mouth open, furiously trying to figure out something to say to Alice that wouldn't arouse suspicion.

"Well, Edward went into the city yesterday to visit with his family." I shrugged at last, answering honestly. "He told me he might not make it home last night. So, I guess when I woke up this morning I was just feeling..." I trailed off, unsure.

"Oh, I know." Alice tossed her hands up and leaning back with an exasperated sigh. "Jasper works with Edward of course, living out here doesn't really go with working in the city. It gets pretty boring here when you're alone."

I nodded.

"I was so excited when I heard you were moving." I couldn't agree with her so I said nothing.

Alice sighed. I smiled carefully in response. I was a little surprised when she grinned back.

"Hey, do you want some wine?" she asked, standing up suddenly. "I came back from shopping a little bit ago …"

She walked over to the front of the cabin where there was a glass of wine resting on the counter next to a nearly full bottle. Without waiting for a response she poured another glass and walked back over without spilling a drop. I took the glass when she offered it and immediately took a sip, thinking she was incredibly graceful.

"So," Alice said, settling back into the chair across from mine. "What made you guys decide to leave the city?"

It was such a simple question, one that anyone in my situation would know the answer to. It would have been talked about, discussed at length, options considered, advantages and disadvantages weighed carefully. I barely knew why _I_ had decided to stay and I couldn't begin to fathom why Edward had. And of course our reasons were separate and our own. They always had been.

"You'd have to ask him," I replied slowly.

Alice's eyes widened and a wide grin crept across her face. "So it was a surprise?"

"Not really."

Alice waved her hand, brushing my words aside. "Well, you must be scared. Or, I mean, I was pretty nervous being in such a new place not knowing anyone besides Jazz and Edward."

"Yes, I guess that's true," I admitted.

Alice nodded in understanding and forged on with continued interest. "So tell me why you moved. You didn't like it there?"

"I loved it," I responded shortly.

"Of course you did!" she said with enthusiasm. " If it weren't for the crowds and fast pace street buzz, I can tell you right now that I'd be living there myself."

"You should move there," I told Alice, thinking of how she would thrive in such an environment, believing she could adapt and be happy anywhere as long as she had Jasper.

"To live? No, I've spent long enough in New York. I got my fill of city life," she chuckled good-naturedly. "When we first settled here I admit I was pretty restless, you know?." She grinned, "But then I had my babies..."

A pang hit my heart, hard. Alice realized she used the wrong word, giving me a remorseful look.

"When did you have children?" I asked, surprised. I glanced quickly around the small space, wondering where the evidence of said 'babies' were. I hadn't been away that long and surely I would've been told something that big.

"Oh!" Alice laughed. "Oh, no!" She twisted her body to the side and pointed to the front of the house, directly to the window that overlooked the plain between our houses. "_Those_ babies."

I squinted as I looked and was met with the sight of the woolly horses I had passed. I remembered suddenly her saying something about owning horses when we had all gone out to dinner years ago.

"They're yours?" I asked stupidly.

Alice smiled proudly. "All except one. Jazz bought his own two years ago." She then grabbed the hand that wasn't holding my wine glass and pulled me up from my seat so that I could see them better. "The one with the big spots, see him?"

"How many are there?" I wondered aloud, glancing around quickly and trying to count.

"Six right now. That one's Carlisle's." She pointed to a black one that was much larger than Jasper's. "I got him hooked when he came to visit once. Now he rides all the time…" Alice's voice trailed off and I glanced over to see her face falling slightly with sadness. Maybe remembering that Carlisle and I were extremely close.

"I've never learned," I said quickly, hoping to distract her from thoughts.

"Oh, you'll have to. I could show you how!" she exclaimed with barely contained excitement.

"I don't know about that."

Alice smiled at my apparent fear and launched into a whirlwind of stories about the horses, all the people she had taught to ride, how fun it could be, especially in the summer.

Two glasses of wine later we heard the front door open and we both turned to see Jasper step inside the door and shake snowflakes lightly off of his head. I was shocked to see the sun behind him had almost set completely behind a cover of clouds, darkness creeping over the landscape quickly.

I saw Alice's entire body tense, but in a completely different way than mine did whenever Edward walked in the door. She seemed to want to get up and greet him personally, but wasn't doing so in order to be polite.

"Hello, Bella." Jasper turned to me after tearing his eyes from his wife. "Good to see you here."

"Hi." I said.

Jasper smiled at me kindly and turned back to Alice, his eyes no longer passionate but inquiring. "Would you like me to turn the horses in for the night? I hear it's supposed to start snowing pretty hard soon."

"Yes, please." Alice smiled, turning back to me.

I looked at her with confusion. "Snow?"

"I know huh," Alice said, sounding slightly annoyed by the idea. She continued with a sigh, "I heard it's supposed to be pretty bad."

Then she seemed to think of something suddenly as Jasper pulled on tall, muddy boots and made his way back outside. She stood up, grabbing our empty glasses from the floor by each of our chairs.

"You should head home soon," she said with concern. "wouldn't want you to get caught in the middle of it."

I grabbed my coat and let Alice walk me across the room to the front door. When she opened it for me, I turned to her and held out my hand.

"Thanks so much for letting me drop in on you like this," I said sincerely.

Alice granted me a small smile as she looked at my hand. Then I felt her small arms wrapping around me in a tight embrace. "Oh please, any time," she said as I stiffened slightly.

When Alice released me she continued, "Actually, why don't you come over sometime at the beginning of this week. Maybe I can get you outside, introduce you to some of the horses."

"Sure. Actually, that'd be great," I said with a firm nod.

Alice beamed at me.

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	9. Chapter 9

**1/5/2011**

**The new chapter is actually chapter 8. "Family Conference" comes after "Visitation Rights"**

**I'm a horrible idiot who crossed the two chapters. Forgive me!**

I was working with my online English class all day! My eyes are crossing from all the reading. I'm so anxious about failing (Ironic, I know, since I write this story) Anyway, it ends Jan, 27th I believe and if you're patient until then I'd be so thankful. I'll still post the chapters I have but after chapter 16 there might be a small delay. Just a few days.

**Please REVIEW.**

It makes me sad to see the low numbers compared to Cullen Crown lol

All my love,

Steph.

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**Family Conference**

**EPOV**

Since Bella disconnected herself from the family, she also no longer attended the family dinners my parents would invite us "kids" to. They once involved a very lively evening of chatting and joking around or a more relaxed setting with pizza and a movie. It hasn't been that way in months thanks to Bella. Now because she isn't there the whole dynamic was off.

I couldn't really get why things couldn't revert back to the way they were before she joined us. No, that's a lie. I can understand and it didn't really have much to do with her as it did with the baby. Did she even realize how much we cared? Was she that blatantly selfish to think the choices she made had _no_ impact on the people loved and supported her? She _knew_ how much I cared and even that didn't factor into her decision. I'm just the _husband_ after all.

When I told Bella that I was going to my parent's house and possibly staying the night she said nothing. She didn't ask to go and I wasn't going to force her but I certainly wasn't going to ask her either. If she wanted to, she could speak up and until she does I'm not going to assume she cares one way or the other about attending.

Dinner with the family was a typical thing to do. Though, there wasn't a set time during the week for it. Usually, mom or dad would call randomly and let it be known that they were having spaghetti Wednesday, taco salad Monday. Just random calls and you either showed up or you didn't. They were weird like that.

Those invitations never went unanswered or rejected. No one's stupid enough to turn down Carlisle and Esme. They're gentle natures were comforting and made everyone feel like they were welcome.

I knew their secret though. True, they made everyone feel like welcome, but their gestures ratted them out.

Handshakes and pats on the back were for the everyday people they came across.

People they viewed as family, were treated with hugs and kisses.

Hence, Jazz and Alice becoming family when they met my parents. Mom and Dad heard so much about them when I was in New York. They knew how much they meant to me.

Then ironically enough, Emmet and Rose were included as family. Specifically since, Emmet was a patient of my father's when he was just a boy. They met a few years back, when the hospital held a Doctors Appreciation dinner, thanking the doctors for their work and inviting former patients.

Emmet was surprisingly a very cool guy. Easy going, fun, talkative. He quickly became a good friend of mine.

Not to be forgotten. Emmet knew a little someone.

The last piece of the puzzle. Because whether or I had met her in the bar that night. I would've met her some other way.

Carlisle practically adopted Bella sight-on-scene. She barely got her name out before he wrapped her in a hug. Esme never doubting her husband's infallible sense of judgment followed suit.

My parents never minded the chance to meet new people.

That evening was something else entirely. I never would've dreamed she'd walk through my parent's front door, being dragged by Emmet.

Yes, Emmet was invited to dinner regularly. No, he never missed an opportunity for food. Rose came sometimes. When she didn't, she was working night shifts at the hospital as a nurse.

They lived here in Forks. But lived in Seattle, when they were working and going to school. But since there weren't openings for Rose's position, they decided that living in Forks would provide them with a house instead of cramped apartment and make Rose's career easier without having to compete.

Emmet was a contractor. He did house renovations and repairs. He had a small, 1 level office building, situated in the more populated area in town. He had a decent size crew of workers as well.

**(FB)**

Apparently, Emmet was more of a fan of my mother's cooking than we originally thought. He said he couldn't let his little sister go on living, while missing out on Esme's '_motherly homemade wonders'_, as he referred to them.

Such a dork, that one.

Rose, hats off to you darling for handling him.

Demetri's time working for me was done with, but we kept in touch. But that didn't stop Bella from stopping by on occasion and calling once or twice a week. Demetri and Bella would set up double date nights. One of them would bring along someone, they thought I would be compatible with.

I have to say, they tried their damnedest to.

As far as I was concerned there would never be another of what I _really_ wanted. She was taken, end of story.

If I needed to get laid, I did. I just didn't do it with anyone they set me up with. They were friends and co-workers of Demetri and Bella's and I couldn't have that. I wasn't a whore about it. It was maybe once or twice a month.

Alice and Jazz attended dinner as well with my parents but that night they were arriving late, since Jazz had to pick Alice up downtown.

Anytime any of us men tried to help out in the kitchen, they would shoo us away, complaining we'd just screw something up; Emmet tried as well, but I think he only did it to sneak some food.

We would leave the kitchen just as soon as we entered, giving each other knowing smirks.

They thought we were stupid. We knew what they were really doing. They were having their 'bonding time'. Which really meant talking shit on us.

We didn't mind, we did the same exact thing they did. But us being guys, we liked to rattle their cages by walking in on them. Letting them know we weren't far away and we could eavesdrop if he wanted.

Mom and Rose were chatting and finishing up dinner. We were waiting on Emmet to arrive with his special guest for the evening. Dad and I were lounging in the living room sipping our scotch's going over current events in the news when a booming voice sounded from the entry way.

"HEY MOM AND DAD! WE'RE HERE!" with another voice chastising him, "Emmet what's wrong with you? Stop yelling."

"Oh c'mon girl, mom and dad don't mind. Now trying stepping _inside_ the house. We eat dinner at the table, not on the porch. We're not animals."

Emmet has his own parents but had no problem stealing mine.

My father and I rolled our eyes at one another over Emmet's antics and made our way to the greet them. Mom and rose also stepped out of the kitchen.

Emmet's back was to us, helping his friend out of her coat. When he stepped away to hang it, my eyes absolutely could not believe what they saw.

Bella was Emmet's guest. A surprise indeed.

Emmet threw his arm around her and turned her to face us and introducing her.

"Let's get this over with so we can eat! Mom, Dad, this is Bella. Rose you guys already know each other and Edward I know she's hot but close your mouth it's unbecoming." Bella's eyes landed on me at the mention of my name, her eyes wide in shock.

I shut my mouth instantly, because it _had_ fallen open in disbelief.

Emmet grabbed rose and headed towards the kitchen with Rose scolding his rudeness.

Bella spoke first, taking a few steps closer to me and giving my arm a tiny squeeze. Her eyes, imploring me to understand she needed saving, "Hey Edward, I can't believe Emmet never said anything. How crazy huh?" I rested my hand gently on top of hers, reassuring her that I wouldn't let her drown.

In all the lunches and time spent together, Bella and I have never touched. This was a first and her delicate hand on my arm felt so relieving. I was always too afraid to touch her. I couldn't trust to limit myself.

I eyed my parents who were just smiling off to the side of us, eyeing us curiously and patiently. Emmet did a terrible job at introductions.

I laughed at the situation, "I'm just surprised as you really. This is my parent's house. Emmet said he was bringing a guest, but I never thought he'd bring you." I gave her a smile to let her know it was alright. "How do you know Emmet anyway?"

"This is so bizarre, I can't believe I'm here, and you're here." she laughed still in amazement. "Well, I met Emmet at school. We kinda became really good friends after that. Now how do _you_ know Emmet?" She nudged my arm.

Shaking my head I replied, "Emmet adopted my family and me really. We fed him once, and he kept coming back. Kinda like the neighborhood cat. You don't own it, but it's somehow your responsibility, just because you fed it one time". Bella laughed, covering her mouth with her hand and hid her face in the sleeve of my arm.

"Edward, you snot, that's not true. Now, introduce us so we can hopefully manage to eat dinner before Emmet gets to it." Esme announced.

Bella abruptly stopped laughing and stepped toward Esme and Carlisle making apologies.

"I'm so sorry, how rude of me. I have no manners; you must think I was raised in a barn!" She thrust her hand towards them introducing herself. "I'm Bella, obviously a friend of Emmet's. I can't believe I'm meeting you both. I've seen pictures of you on Edward's desk, so lovely. And I've heard of Dr. Cullen of course."

Bella was rambling and talking the speed Alice normally would. Esme's eyed flicked to me at the mention of Bella seeing the pictures on my desk and waited for her to finish, while Carlisle's smile got bigger and bigger.

Emse pushed her hand gently aside and gave Bella a soothing, motherly hug to calm her down. She had that kind of effect on people. I saw the tension in Bella's shoulders dissipate.

"Bella, wonderful to meet you sweetheart. I'm Esme, Edward's mom." She pulled back from Bella and pulled Carlisle forward, "and this here is my husband and Edward's father, Carlisle."

Carlisle also, gave Bella a warm hug, "We're so glad you could join us tonight honey." He looked over her shoulder, grinning like a fool and gave me a wink.

_Fuck._ Winks from Carlisle are my impending doom. I knew exactly what he was planning. Damn him and his brilliant doctor mind. He's wrong if he thinks there's no retaliation coming his way. Trying to steal my girl _right in front of me_ no less.

We all made our way to the kitchen, Carlisle had his arm over Bella's shoulder, whispering to her as they lead the way and my mother and I followed behind.

Esme gave my arm a squeeze, slowing her steps and speaking lowly, "She's lovely, how did you meet? Did Emmet introduce you two before?"

My parent's, especially my mother aren't blind. Bella had no hesitation to approach me when Emmet ditched her at the door. Obviously, she saw how comfortable Bella was with me.

I smiled at my mother, while thinking how ironic it was that Bella kept popping up in my life.

"No, Emmet didn't introduce us. Her boyfriend happened to be my financial advisor. She stopped by for lunch on occasion."

I wasn't lying to my mother. I just chose to leave out _who_ Bella had lunch with. I could only count 3 times she had lunch with Demetri, while he worked for me. The other times, Bella came in on her own, to see me specifically.

Demetri couldn't be bothered to see her. He was too busy being a disgusting pile of scum.

Luckily, Rosalie was able to save dinner from Emmet's giant mouth. We all chatted amicable and Jazz and Alice arrived just in time to hear my parent's interrogate Bella, asking trivial things like, what are you studying? What are your plans? Do you have a boyfriend? Which of course my mother had to ask that one, even though I already told her she did. I internally groaned when Bella answered with all too much fervor.

"Yes, I do actually. He's a financial advisor for Goldman West. It's how I came to know Edward."

Mom smiled, "If you don't mind me asking dear, where is he tonight? I hope Emmet let you know he was welcome to join us."

"Oh yeah, Emmet did mention it, but he wouldn't have been able to make it. He's in Oregon working on a major account," She paused before continuing with a laugh, "But to him there all major accounts. He's really trying to impress the bosses. I can hardly blame him."

Alice was excited to met Bella. Lord knows that I mentioned her to Jazz and Alice on more than one occasion. Since they were my best friends, I couldn't keep the fact that I was crushing on a taken woman. They understood the predicament and let it rest. Alice had no idea she'd be here tonight, she too preformed an interrogation of her own with a squeal.

"So you're the Bella Edward's been talking about. I'm Alice." She reached across the table to shake hands.

Bella flashed her eyes to me "Hmm...that depends on what Edward's been saying. Nothing bad I hope."

Alice gasped, "No! of course not. I didn't mean for it to sound like that. I've been dying to meet you based on Edward's details."

"Then I guess that's me." Bella laughed, "What has he told you Alice?"

I felt remorseful for opening mouth to Alice and Jazz talking about her, even though they were good things.

"Only that you're a student at U.W. Not much." Yes. Thank you Alice, for knowing when to hold your cards.

Bella laughed, "Edward, can I join the office sandbox you apparently have at work?"

"Yeah. But you have to bring your own snacks and be willing to share."

Everyone laughed, although I went insanely retarded. Bella was probably just trying to be polite. Why Lord did you make me a dork?

We moved to lounge in the living room, with our chocolate mousses in hand. Carlisle was sandwiched between Bella and my mother. Emmet had Rose sitting on his lap, and I was sitting across from the trio of Bella, Dad and mom in the chair. Alice and Jazz where on the love seat.

Dad and Bella would whisper back and forth to each other, glancing and pointing at me, and every so often, Bella would giggle and playfully slap Carlisle.

What the hell is all that about? That shit's not fair. Are we in middle school all over again? Whispering, pointing and laughing. Weirdos.

Mom and Dad revealed childhood horror stories, which they started out telling and would always end with Emmet finishing, oddly enough. I wasn't surprised. My parents were relentless when it came to my younger years. Telling anyone who would listen.

In a way, it felt nice that Emmet felt like he _did_ grow up with me. He was the crazy brother I never had. While, Jazz was the wise brother you would seek advice from. They weren't blood, but they were real, and it felt like they were really family.

**(Present)**

Now sitting here with Carlisle and Esme, I wonder if I should've brought Bella along.

They loved her since day one and that love for her only grew every time they were with her. Carlisle was deeply hurt when Bella shut everyone out. Emmet too had a terrible time accepting being so closed off from her. But we allowed her to have some time to herself.

At first, I agreed with her that she should stay away from everyone but, after what I saw how much it affected them, I became upset that she was only doing it to cause more damage. I wasn't in the state of mind to even look at her, let alone talk to her. I _never_ thought I could feel like that with someone. Especially, my wife.

Everything snowballed and happened so fast after we got married. I thought we were ok. I thought she _was_ going to be ok. But since I wasn't what she wanted. I should've known that she wasn't ok at all. Not by a long shot.

The heart wants what it wants, and it's a lonely hunter.

Mom and Dad's dinner's had become mournfully silent. There wasn't much to report from my end, it was still a stalemate between Bella and I. She made dinner, which wasn't that bad. I went to work, she did whatever she did at home, counting dust bunnies I guess. She unpacked our stuff from the apartment in Seattle, which she must have hated. I know she didn't want to live in Forks, but that was just too fucking bad.

Carlisle and Emmet were talking quietly at the end of the table, while Rose and Esme chatted about work. Alice and Jazz were next to me making plans for an upcoming trip to see Jazz's parents in Texas.

We talked about everything and yet nothing. Two issues were absolute _never_ discussed; 1. Bella and 2. Anything to do with my little angel in heaven.

Carlisle broke the silence first, "Esme, everything tastes delicious. It's always wonderful to have the family together. I know I've talked about it with you all before, but I do want to make it official, that I am in fact retiring." There was applause and smiles all round with hoots from Emmet. Dad wasn't that old, he was still relatively young for a doctor. But he wanted to be with his family more.

Carlisle continued, "I would like to have a retirement party. Something small here at the house. Of course you're all invited…" he paused and locked eyes with me, "I do mean _all_ Edward. I want to see my daughter again. I think I speak for the rest of the family as well." There was head nodding and hums of agreement all around.

I stoically wiped my mouth with my napkin and placed it on the table. I was pissed.

Bella was forbidden to be mentioned and he just crossed enemy lines.

"We're not talking about her this evening, or any other for that matter. I suggest we get back to your plans for your party."

No matter how anger I get with them, I always remember their my parents, and give them my full respect.

"It's been long enough Edward. I want to see her with my own eyes; I want to know that she's ok. How's she's doing or what she's been up to since-"

I cut him off, "You've talked to her on the phone. I can't _make _her talk to you, or mom and anyone else."

It was true. The family would stop by, but she wasn't receiving any visitors, so they resorted to calling. At first she was reluctant, but after a few months, she would talk a few minutes and then pass the phone back to me. When that became too much for her, she ended all contact. Except with me. She _needed_ me. I'll never let her forget it either. They were her own words.

Emmet patted my father's arm reassuringly, "Hey man, Dad's right. It's become more than just wanting to see her. We _need_ to see her. I'm all for her wanting time to herself, but months?…I know my little sister and that's not something she'd _ever_ want. She hates being alone."

I was getting sick just talking about her, "Emmet, I don't know what to tell you. You all have tried to visit with her and talk to her on the phone. I'm sorry but she didn't want any of that. All I know is that she's getting settled after moving, and taking it slow. I'm not keeping her from you or anyone else, honest to God, I'm not. All she wants is to be left alone" I shrugged.

Esme's sad eyes caught my attention, "Edward, please? Just tell her that we all love her and miss her so much. Maybe if she came to the party for just a few hours? So not to overwhelm her."

I'd do anything to make the pain in my mother's eyes go away, but in doing so, that would mean dealing with Bella. A volatile chemical. She would say no if I asked her to attend the party. I had one other alternative.

"Dad, you know she's closest to you…she truly loves all of you. I don't think she'd agree, if I was the one to ask her. Maybe if someone else invited her?" I glanced at their hopeful faces.

Bella did love them. It was _me_ she didn't love.

Carlisle nodded, "I'll see what I can do."

It was quiet for a few minutes before the chatter started up again. Alice tapped my arm,"Hows is the move going Edward? You haven't mentioned it much."

I hadn't told anyone but Jazz _why_ we moved. Bella's tendencies towards harming herself where too confidential. I did tell the family that I wanted to work on fixing up the house, and that commuting between work, the apartment, then the house, would be too much wasted time. I did keep the apartment though. It was always smart to keep real estate.

"The move went smoothly. Bella handled the movers while I was at work. There wasn't much being delivered."

"Do you think she can come by sometime? Or I could come by? I'd love to catch up with her. I mean, I know she doesn't want to see us, but we are practically neighbors now." Alice was really happy Bella and I were closer.

Jazz eyed me cautiously," Edward man, I'm sorry. I forget to tell you that Baker E-mailed us today. They wanted us to do the final mark ups, so they ad would be ready Monday, for pick up. It slipped my mind."

It was no problem for me,"Yeah, don't sweat it. I can go into the office tomorrow. We can get it done twice as fast if you're there." I know it wasn't something that needed immediate attention. He had something to say in regards to Alice questions of Bella.

I turned back to Alice, "I don't know what Bella's up for. There's always a chance she'll change her mind."

Alice simply nodded.

A little while later, we all said our goodbyes, and I went up to my room for bed. The next morning, I meandered around the house, visiting with my parents some more, until I called Jazz around 2pm to meet me at the office by 3.

We were just finishing up when Jazz finally got to the point.

"I agree with Carlisle, Edward. She's been holing herself up for far too long. She needs to get back to living again. She needs her family and friends to see her through whatever's going on in her head"

I pressed my palms to my face, already having more than enough talk about Bella from last night; I didn't need this to continue any more.

"Jazz I'd love it if we didn't do this right now".

Jazz sighed exasperated," I know you don't want to, but you can't let this go on anymore. You can't keep _ignoring_ your _wife_ Edward. I get that you're still hurting, but so is Bella. Do you even know how she's doing? You're the one that lives with her, and we all live vicariously through you to get to her."

Jazz is my closet friend, and I would never disregard his logic, but Bella wasn't his wife to deal with, and didn't fully understand. Bella would have to have a heart and a conscience to feel emotion.

"Listen, Bella does what she wants. I've never forced to do anything before and I'm not going to start now."

"You know what Edward, maybe that's the problem. You've never had a backbone when it came to her. I know you've never noticed, but I have. She used to walk all over you and you let her. You'd let her get away with murder if it came down to it."

Hit the nail on the head why don't you Jazz.

"I was a fucking love sick puppy then, I know differently now. But let me ask you…wouldn't you do _anything_ for Alice? Or does your love for her have a limit?"

Jazz's only response was a shake of his head. I didn't think so.

"I'm heading out. If you don't mind could you lock up for me?" I tossed him the keys without waiting for his response. His question stopped me cold in my tracks though.

"Has Bella tried anything since moving?"

I turned back to look at him. It was my turn to shake my head.

"It's not my place, but I just would've figured that after Bella losing-"

I interrupted him, "Don't you fucking dare. Lose is hardly the correct word." I could feel my eyes start to sting. I think that's what he wanted too, but I wouldn't allow another person to break me, even if Jazz was my most honorable friend. "And you're absolutely right; it's not your place. You have a wife who's unconditionally devoted to you. There's no need to worry yourself about what mine does."

"See Edward? I can't bring up the topic without you lashing out. I get that this is your way of coping but is it working? Is it solving _anything_ Edward?...If lashing out is _your_ way, what do you think _Bella's_ is hmm?...slitting her wrists and trying to drowned herself, that's her fucking method. And if you think that _it's not my place_ to care, then fuck you. We all care about Bella, and wouldn't be asking you about her if we didn't."

With that, Jazz went back to his office. It was getting late, so I headed home. The weather report on the radio said there would be snow. I found it a little intimidating, since we've never had to deal with snow in Seattle with the apartment.

When I pulled up to the house, I knew something was _off_. It was entirely too dark, none of the lights were on inside. She couldn't have gone to bed, it was still somewhat early.

I stepped inside and froze, holding my breath. Trying to pinpoint Bella's whereabouts from any sound or movement she made. There was none.

I called out to her, "Bella?"

No answer, not that there would be one.

I stepped into the kitchen, thinking I'd find her cooking or setting the table. It too was dark and empty. I flicked on the light, checking to see if maybe the power was out or there was a blown fuse. Nope, the power was just fine. I gazed over all the counter tops and the fridge, hoping to see a note of some kind.

I was getting agitated, "Bella!" I checked in the living room and the office. Nothing.

I stormed upstairs, becoming frustrated that she thought this was some kind of game, but also becoming worried. Jazz's words were echoing in my head, '_has she tried anything since moving?'_

She hadn't, but that didn't mean she still wouldn't.

I pounded on her bedroom door, hoping that she had taken a late nap and it would wake her. I waited before stepping inside her room. I immediately noticed an empty unmade bed, then the still unpacked boxes from moving. Whatever, that's her deal.

I checked the bathroom and the spare bedroom. Still nothing. I took a seat at the top of the stairs, relentlessly running my hands through my hair. Think, where could she go? There was nothing out her. She didn't have a car, a phone, the house line I hadn't connected yet. But where could she have gone? She never went outside to my knowledge.

Now I know I should've dragged her to dinner. I haven't been gone this long from her in a while.

Images of Bella with a gunshot to her temple in the backyard flickered through my mind along with images of Bella hanging from a tree in woods.

She wouldn't make it that convenient for me. She'd be creative, but not convenient for my sake.

I'm getting worked up over nothing. She wouldn't give a fuck if I was gone. What does it matter to me?

Truthfully, it did matter, but only because I would have to explain to 6 people her disappearance, and _why. _I'd rather not.

I thought through a few more scenarios before it hit me. _Running_. She used to run sometimes. Rare, but I've known it to happen. But would she in this weather? Yea, she would. She had many death wishes.

But I won't let her get off that easy. She's going to pay for what she did.

I flew down the stairs and threw on my jacket before sprinting towards the car. If she was running, I'd could find her a lot faster. I revved the engine and snapped the headlights on in time to see Bella's highlighted form in front of me.

I shut off the lights and engine and stormed over to her. I wanted to snap her in half, and God forgive me for saying it but, _hug_ her all at once. I quickly regained my composure and remembered who I was talking about and what she had done. Yea, I definitely wanted to throttle her.

Thankful that I wouldn't have to explain her disappearance and that she hadn't been snatched up by some psycho from running, she said she was at Alice's.

I never would've thought that was an option for her. I mean, how did she know? We exchanged a few words. She mentioned being a tagged animal. If that was so, I wouldn't tag her; I'd chain her fucking ass to the porch.

I had a hard time believing she was really with Alice. Nothing that came from her mouth could be truth anymore. I'd have to talk to Alice about it to confirm stories.

She stormed inside and I followed. She asked if I was hungry. It took me a second to realize she was _offering_ dinner. It would be stupid to decline, since we both haven't eaten.

When we started eating, she asked if I was leaving to go look for her. I didn't know what to say. _I knew what I couldn't say. I was worried and scared. You were kidnapped or hanging in the backyard. That you hitchhiked to get away from me._

All I could do was nod.

She thanked me, and I lost my appetite. Because she wasn't _welcome_. I don't know why I fucking cared or bothered. She doesn't get to pull all the shit she's done and get to say _thank you._ I mean, what the fuck?

She's going to own up to what she did. The stakes are high, and it's a long, long fall.


	10. Chapter 10

**1/7/2011**

**MajorEdfan: **how do you feel about being_ 33_ chapters in and still have no idea what's going on? haha (inside joke guys). **I haven't been able to write anything "NEW" since my online English class is wiping me out everday. I'll be finished in a few weeks, if I'm lucky I'll pass. I've lost alot of readers but it happens. New chapters start with Chapter 16. I'm so sorry for the delay. We'll get there soon and I promise I won't abandon this story :)**

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**Start Stripping**

**BPOV**

I pulled the blanket with me when I stood, wrapping it around my shoulders with a little shiver. I walked out of the bedroom, down the hall and stairs, to the kitchen where I had heard Edward moving around earlier. I wasn't sure how long ago he had been in here making coffee and reading the paper, my perception of time was still jumbled by sleep.

Outside everything was covered in a pure, blinding white. There were large drifts from the wind sloping up against that house that would probably reach over my head.

"Whoa."

The trees scattered around our yard were glistening beautiful, the tops of their branches covered with a blanket of snow. The wind and low temperatures had frozen the white onto the bark firmly. The snow was smooth and untouched, a desert of ice and an ocean of rolling cold.

I spent the next half hour digging through the boxes of my life in Seattle, pulling out random articles of warm clothing that I could layer against the cold. I tossed designer scarves and gloves onto the floor carelessly as I clawed around for old, puffy jackets and ratty wool hats.

Instead of going through the front door, I exited using the door off the kitchen, not ready to see Edward; who was shoveling snow from the walk and drive way out front.

Looking out into the large expanse of yard from the back steps, I took in the biting cold air in deep inhales, cleansing my lungs. I hadn't seen snow, really seen it, since the last time Demetri and I were actually happy.

**(FB)**

My first step crunched the snow beneath my boot. Demetri was already halfway up the shoveled walk, having already put on his boots before we left.

I threw my sneakers over my shoulder jogging to catch up.

"Demetri, I seriously don't know why the fuck you even invited him!" I panted, turning my head to the side so he could hear me, as he was fiddling with keys to the front door to Emmet's parents' cabin.

His arms full of bags and snowboards," He asked what we were up to this weekend. What was I supposed to say?" Demetri demanded, his voice slightly defensive.

I sighed as I headed back toward the van. "You could have _lied_."

Demetri laughed and heaved everything out of the trunk beside me and wiped his brow. Looking at me with a crooked smile he replied, "Well, that's just rude, Bells."

I huffed as I lugged out the rest of the gear and slammed the trunk door shut.

"Besides," Demetri added, nudging my shoulder with his, "he's our _friend_."

I made a face at him and folded my arms, knowing he was right.

Edward Cullen _was_ my friend.

When I had given him my number and I had stolen his, slightly hoping that our conversation that day wouldn't be the last. He never called.

I tried a few more times to surprise Demetri with a visit at work, and was met with his absences. Between having just missed him, or at lunch with a lucrative client, provided a gap to talk with Edward instead.

After that, he became a more casual acquaintance. I would call him from time to time for a chat, meet him for a coffee, meet him at the deli down the street of his office for lunch. He would double date with Demetri and I, always bringing a different girl with him. We would joke that he was a promiscuous bachelor, that he was too picky, and that he had commitment issues. But they were always just jokes.

For all the dates he went on with Demetri and I, I was positive that he hadn't slept with a single one of the girls. I knew it wasn't because he was picky or elitist; he was one of the kindest, most thoughtful people I had ever met. He certainly didn't have any trouble committing, not to anything. He was committed to his work, his friends– most of all – his family.

Still, when Demetri had explained our plans for the weekend to him on Thursday, he had invited him up to Join us, I couldn't help but feel slightly annoyed.

"Come on, Bella." Demetri slung an arm around my shoulders and gave me a little squeeze. "I felt bad for the guy. He's brining someone with him, it's not like it's going to be just the three of us. "

My irritation only grew when I remembered that we'd be having a couples retreat, basically.

Demetri had been not-so-subtle recently with his hints that he was gearing up to ask me to marry him. I had thought, when he had told me about this weekend trip that he was planning to do it then. Of course, throwing Edward and his little date into the mix didn't rule it out, but it certainly took away from the romantic vibe just a little bit.

"Are you sure you didn't invite him because you're secretly into him? He is a Cullen." I teased, batting my eyelashes innocently.

Demetri smirked at me and reached his other arm across my stomach, gripping my hip and pulling me up against him tightly. I squeaked in surprise as he looked down at me, unmistakable lust in his eyes.

"Definitely not," he said huskily as he leaned down to brush his lips against mine.

I strained up towards him, winding my arms around his neck tightly. I felt his arm drop from my shoulder down to my waist were it linked with the other to wrap around me securely. As the kiss deepened, I felt his mouth open to breathe hot against me, searching for an entrance. I granted it with a moan and he crushed me tighter to his body, bending me backwards.

I felt him pull away abruptly as the hum of an engine and tires crunching snow pulled up right behind us, parking with a click. My face flushed red; I dropped my arms and pushed away from Demetri, giving him a smile and a wink. He grinned widely at me and wiggled his eyebrows.

I looked down at the car that had parked about a foot away from where we were standing. The driver's side opened first, a very flustered Edward jumping out almost immediately.

"Sorry we're late!" he called apologetically.

I laughed at the sight of him: tousled bronze hair, ratty old sweatshirt, jeans and boots, as he staggered onto the December cold of the street having, apparently, just rolled out of bed. He opened the back door of the car and grabbed a handful of skis and some bags that he was sure to have packed last night.

"It's fine," I assured him, my earlier annoyance forgotten at the sight of him. It was so rare to see Edward at all disorganized or unprepared; I had to admit that it was adorable. Demetri glanced at me with a knowing smile, seeming to be equally amused by our friend. "Here, let me help you."

I walked over to the side of the car where he stood and scooped a pair of skis and poles out of his arms before he could protest.

"Thanks, Bella," he sighed gratefully, slinging the bags over his shoulders and following me from the van with much more ease, either because I had helped him with the load or because I wasn't angry with him.

I turned back to Demetri to ask if we needed anything else, only to find he wasn't standing next to the van anymore. I whipped around to see him standing next to the passenger side door of Edward's car, holding it open as he took a smaller duffel from the girl who had just emerged.

As Demetri closed the door behind her, she moved past him to walk towards Edward and I. I felt a little gasp die in my throat. She was that girl from the office, Edward's office, the receptionist. She was beautiful, no doubt, with her blonde hair and her white winter coat with thick black leggings and sky blue eyes, 'fake' boobs. Edward said he wasn't into dating co-workers, liar. What had startled me, though, was the way Demetri was looking at her as she walked up to me with her hand outstretched.

I placed my hand in hers politely as she introduced herself, "Hey, it's good to see you again."

**(Present)**

The trip was spent skiing, snowboarding, and lively chatter amongst everyone. My nights spent in the arms of Demetri. Our love making started out sweet and thoughtful, by the end it was intense and rough. It wasn't quite the same. Demetri seemed to have the need to prove something to me, or himself. I wasn't sure. It was good, yet different.

My eyes pricked with angry tears. I brushed at my eyes, not allowing the tears to fall. I had told myself a million times not to think about that day. Since, it was the beginning of the end, only weeks later.

After milling through the yard and making pictures with my footprints in the snow, I headed inside. Being that I finally unearthed my winter jacket from my boxes, I wanted to keep it in the down stairs closet, in case a quick decision to visit Alice should strike, I could grab it and go.

By the time Edward finished the driveway I was in bed. I rolled over and facing the wall, studying hideously ugly wallpaper that was bubbling away from the it, tinged with dirt over the years of uncaring and neglect. I eyed the crudely lined up seems. The ivy vines didn't connect and match up with each other. Instead, a leaf would meet with a white space and the vine would meet with the base of flower. As I laid there, I reached up and began to pick at the pealing pieces of paper, stripping it off in strips slowly.

I had a major task ahead of me.

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**REVIEW BEFORE YOU CHECK OUT THE FICS BELOW PLEASE! YOU'LL FORGET ABOUT ME IF YOU DON'T!**

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	11. Chapter 11

**1/9/2011**

**Thanks for the reviews and adding the story to your favorites. It means alot. I want to also thank you guys for sharing your personal stories with me. It makes my heart burst with such a ardent connection to you :) **

**A question for you guys (you don't have to answer of course)**

**Did you grow up in a house where, the men (father, brothers, boyfriends, uncles, grandfathers, close family friends) in and around your life treated you and other women (mother, sisters, girlfriends, aunts, grandmothers) with the upmost _respect_? Or did those men completely berate those women and you to feel like you have very little value, and poor treatment was acceptable?**

**I love you guys and on bad days, I think of you :)**

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**Full Days Work**

**BPOV**

This morning I was on a mission. Alice.

Things were the same between Edward and I, besides him acting a little differently. It wasn't overtly different, but subtle. I could tell when he was letting something fester within himself. I kept quiet and observed him, but didn't bring it up. Why would I?

Beyond anything I definitely noticed his late nights. He usually came home between 5-8p.m. – 8 always being the absolute max. However, that unspoken rule didn't apply anymore when I heard him walk through the door Monday – well, Tuesday morning at 12:30 a.m. That pattern continued throughout the week; returning around variously late times.

I didn't care what he did. I wasn't his mother making sure he made it back home in time for curfew. I _couldn't_ be a wife that sat and waited at the bottom of the stairs, arms crossed and foot tapping, waiting for an explanation when her husband got home.

I didn't know what he was doing out so late, but all I could do was guess. Guessing lead me to many theories but all ended with the very same conclusion. Since I thought of it, the idea was growing into a worm in my brain, refusing to let me think of a different conclusion. But this one was too logical, even for me to ignore. I told myself I wasn't going to let it bother me.

But…It bothered me.

Edward would go to work, and I oddly taken up the task of organizing and straightening up things around the house. Which coincidently I got myself involved in a project. I think I cleaned the rest of the house to make up for the disaster that was in my bedroom.

The wallpaper that I picked at turned into an obsessive compulsive disorder. I had to get rid of all of it, or I wouldn't be satisfied. The next morning, I moved my bed and dresser to the center of the room so I could properly remove every disgusting inch. I had to resort to getting a bucket of water, wash cloth and use my finger nails, to loosen and scratch away the parts that weren't already pealing. I worked all morning and into the late afternoon until the walls were completely bare. Luckily, the room was fairly small. I was so determined to get it done that I didn't even stop to eat. Compulsions are nothing if not relentless on a person's psyche.

I was never a cleaner. I detested doing chores and work. School was different; it didn't involve sweating or slaving away for money while you worked in customer service. I valued my time, and it was certainly worth more than minimum wage.

I finally unpacked my things from the boxes. I was fooling myself if I thought I was going to wake up one day and find that he changed his mind about actually living out here. It was handy that I did because I found a lot more of my clothes.

Cleaning and wallpaper stripping kept my mind from wandering and made me focus on the here and now. However, today I was taking a break. I figured I should pay Alice another visit. She left me an open invitation to return when I visited the first time. I left before Edward got up and headed to work.

Edward explained during one of our usual office lunches awhile back that he and Jazz decided to start work at 9 a.m. so rush hour traffic wouldn't be an issue.

Seeing Edward in the mornings was never a problem. I usually slept until 11:00 a.m. anyway. I only saw him if I felt like tolerating eating breakfast with him in the room.

Not wanting to deal with anything he had to say in regards to my plans. I'm not a child and I don't need _permission_.

Not that Edward would ever _ask_ if I had plans. He was gone in the mornings before I got up and recently had been returning long after I was in bed.

Knowing his schedule was useful. There was only one time I slipped up working my schedule around his. An unexpected changed in the schedule at least. I left the house at 8 a.m. and figured – depending on how slow I walked- I could reach Alice's by 8:20-8:30-ish.

Shit, I didn't even know if she would be up. From what I remembered, she was usually an early riser? Crap, I don't care. I'll just wait on the porch if I have to. I can't stand being stuck inside anymore. Working inside has given me serious cabin fever.

Alice stood up, walking over to the now-full coffee pot and pouring two mugs of the steaming hot liquid. She brought them over to the table and we sipped at them in silence while I glanced around.

"Where's Jazz?" I asked.

An amused smile crawled across Alice's face. "Oh, he's still asleep. The man wakes for nothing." She chuckled, "Things like coffee grinders or morning hours have no affect on him. He'll sleep well into the afternoon if I let him."

"He doesn't work today?" It's Friday. Shouldn't he be at work?

"Nah," Alice waved her hand. "He's taking a long weekend. One of the perks of being your own boss. You make your own rules."

I smiled and nodded. Jazz and Edward were joint-bosses. They usually had the same schedule from what I remember being in the office as much as I was back then. So…I guess since Jazz is skipping, so is Edward? Did he never get up for work this morning?

I knew Edward took days off, or even just half days, but they were usually for legitimate reasons. Like emergencies or putting up with my shit. But he hasn't taken any amount of time off since…

I think he preferred to spend at much time away from me since _that_ happened. I don't blame him. I couldn't stomach being around him either. I couldn't imagine him taking time off just because he wanted to be lazy.

Alice finished her coffee in one large swallow and then stood up, tossing her mug into the sink.

"Hey," she whipped around to look at me brightly. "It's a pretty nice day outside. Want to come help me turn the horses out?"

I felt my mouth drop open and I looked up at her dubiously, unsure of how to respond.

"Come on," she encouraged. "It'll be fun."

She walked over to the coat rack near the door and grabbed two large, dirty jackets that were heavily padded and _very_ unattractive. She tossed the larger one to me and I caught it in my lap, still sitting at the table with wide eyes.

"Sure" I agreed.

Alice grinned and grabbed a pair of huge, muddy boots that I was sure belonged to Jazz. They were definitely large enough.

"Here, put these on." She brought them over to me and plopped them next to my chair. "They might be a little big, but they'll do the job."

She pulled her boots on over her socks and then threw on the jacket. When she was done, she looked at me expectantly.

I quickly jammed the boots on. They came all the way up my shins, hitting just below the knee. I shrugged the jacket on, which covered most of my upper body and nearly brushed the tops of the boots.

Alice beamed at me and opened the front door, motioning me outside ahead of her.

The stables in the back were almost the same size as the cabin itself. The back of it was flush against the house, and stretched its entire width. There were six stalls lined up, side by side, facing out; their doors sealed shut. Above them where a couple windows in what I assumed was the hay loft.

Alice walked over to the side of the barn and opened the door to a little side room. She reached her hand in and grabbed a couple coils of rope off a hook, tossing one to me with a smirk.

Then she moved around and opened up the tops of each of the doors. As she opened each stall, immediately a furry little head would poke out and two furry little ears would prick forward. The horses glanced around, their eyes travelling over me without paying much attention.

"Come on, Bella," Alice called over to me when all the stalls were open. "You can grab Roy."

"Excuse me?"

She stroked the animal's head lightly, a surprisingly gentle expression on her face.

"This is Mary," Alice said, turning to me and motioning to the grey horse. "Get it? Mary-Alice. She's mine."

"Aren't they all yours?" I asked, slightly confused.

When I walked up she began petting the spotted horse, "You remember this one don't you?"

I didn't, so I shook my head. "See the spots…Carlisle's Siobhan. He hasn't gone riding in a few months but I bet he'll be here all the time pretty soon. "

I said nothing and toed the dirt with my boot. I missed Carlisle so. I grew attached to him so quickly, I couldn't understand how, but I did.

Carlisle doesn't look it, but I think if asked, he'd cut a person, for the sake of family. He said to me that, being in this family was like the mob. Once you're in, there's no out.

Alice took advantage of my silence. She lightly wrapped her arms around me and gave a small squeeze. Gliding her fingers through the ends of my hair, "We _love_ you, no matter what. We miss you, Bella. Come back to us."

Love. I thought someone loved me once, but it turned out I was wrong. Once something that monumental is discovered, something inside shuts off. You forget the word trust instantly and you accuse anyone you ever associated with as suspects. The worst is knowing _you_ can't be trusted. I couldn't trust myself to make the easiest of decisions after Demetri left.

**(FB)**

I stumbled through the double doors and not caring what I was interrupting.

"Edward!" I cried. "Where's Edward!"

Jazz stood up, and excused me and himself from his clients in Edward's office, ushering me into a private room. He quickly called Edward on his cell. He asked me if I was alright, asked me what had happened. I simply shook my head over and over, saying that everything was fine, that I was fine.

Edward crashed through the door within minutes, his face frantic with worry. Jazz left us to talk privately.

"Bella?" He reached out to me.

I leapt up from the chair I was in and flung my arms around his neck tightly, crushing my body to his as I burrowed my face into his shoulder. I felt safe with him.

"Edward," I whispered as his arms wrapped around me.

I had come to him and he was here. Like he always promised.

I was in his lap, curled up and safe as he rocked me back and forth. His arms were solid.

"Demetri's leaving me, He was fucking her the whole time," I felt so naïve and foolish and just so stupid.

"What are you talking about?" Edward asked, startled. I clung to him desperately, not allowing him to move back, and I pulled him closer. I felt his chest move up and down as he sighed against me. I fisted my hands tightly into his shirt and shoved my face into his neck, unable to make the pain stop.

I could see it all happen again, so fast and so unexpected. Had I known? Was I pathetic enough to believe I didn't see what was happening?

I was. I didn't want to admit that something was up, so I turned a blind eye to it.

It had been two weeks since we had returned from our trip. Demetri was busier and busier, not speaking, not touching, and not caring. He hadn't touched me since.

Less than an hour ago he told me that he was sleeping with Tanya.

His words about how he couldn't help it, how he felt drawn to her, how he had never felt anything like it, never met anyone like her, they went unnoticed in my haze of shock.

I bolted out the door and ran to the only person I felt safe with.

"He used me," I said.

I felt Edward's arms tighten around me, felt the heat of his lips against the top of my head, heard the murmured words and comforting timbre of his voice, and suddenly I couldn't be close enough to him.

I pulled back, my hands still grasping at his suit jacket and his shirt. I looked at him through blurry eyes and whispered, "I can't go back there."

He hooked his arm under my knees and left his office behind.

Edward stood in front of me, his eyes wide as I peeled my shirt off and tossed it onto the floor of his apartment.

"How much do you love me?" I asked him, my voice sultry and wavering as I unbuttoned my was unable to tear his eyes away from my hands, which were slowly sliding my pants over my hips and down to the floor. "What are you doing?"

I took a step towards him in my underwear.

"Would you do anything for me?"

Edward's eyes snapped up to meet mine.

I could see the shock all over his face, the complete and genuine surprise at my question. He was just a nice guy. A nice guy, who was nice to everyone. I wasn't anyone special. I just ate lunch with him in his office.

Sometimes, it seemed like he looked like he genuinely cared. Truly interested in how my day was going or, would cheer me up when I came down on myself and wanted to give up.

But that didn't mean anything.

Hurt shot through me and I backed away from him, mortified.

"Anything, Bella."

I lifted my eyes slowly to meet his.

The look. The look that said '_I care'_ in multiple languages.

Demetri never looked at me the way Edward Cullen was looking at me.

I knew I wasn't wrong. I don't think I could handle being rejected again. And this didn't seem like something Edward would do out of pity. He was a man, but a different kind.

He was rare, one of the good ones. A good man.

This time, Edward was the one to take a step forward. Then another and another until he was standing right in front of me. I watched him reach his hands out tentatively, his eyes locked with mine. I didn't stop him as his fingers barely made contact with the naked skin just under my bra. My flesh tingled as he ran the tips of his fingers down my ribcage on either side.

"You're _so_ exquisite." He whispered.

I stood before him, trembling, afraid to move towards him, afraid to scare him away. I could feel fire in his touch, addiction and craving. I couldn't get enough of the feeling, of watching his hands, of seeing in his eyes the way he wanted me.

Something that Demetri had easy turn off like a switch.

"Do you love me?" I think I've always wanted to know.

One of his hands moved from my side, gently up to my shoulder, to my neck, until it was wrapped in my hair, holding my head gently as his thumb stroked easily against the corner of my jaw. I felt him move forward. My skin was electric beneath his and his lips were breathing against mine.

"I've always loved you, Bella."

Warm arms and a comfortable bed and light kisses on my shoulder as I stretched awake. I rolled over with a content smile on my face, and then bolted upright when gentle eyes met mine.

I could hear the words he had said to me last night, echoing through my mind.

"It shouldn't have been like this with you." He had said to me when I had leapt out of the bed.

I remembered the sharp ache in my chest when I realized why I had been there, with him instead of Demetri. I apologized to him over and over as I darted around gathering up my clothes and yanking them on.

I was so lost. There was no way to undo this and no way of doing more of this with him.

After a couple minutes of watching me in a panic, he grabbed gently to stop me. I could remember the feel of his hands on my wrists, so soft and tender. I could remember when he pulled me in close and felt his hot breath on my stomach.

"It's ok."

"I'm sorry."

He smiled up at me, "I'm not."

I told him that last night had been nothing more than comfort, validation and revenge.

"I know and it doesn't matter. I only want you to feel how loved you are. Because you _are_."

I could feel tears start to pick at my eyes.

I wrapped my arms around him, the smile on his face so bright that it blurred everything around us as I kissed him. He lifted me slightly and spun me back down on the bed where he was sitting, putting his arms on either side of me so that he was hovering over me.

His hands dragged down my body, past my hips, down my legs until he was sitting at my feet and brushing his hands lightly against my toes, my soles, my arches, my heels. A secret he uncovered last night, were my ticklish feet.

Then he was kissing his way back up my body, murmuring about how happy I made him, how beautiful I was, how he would keep me safe, how he would never hurt me, wouldn't fail me.

Finally, his lips were touching mine over and over, his hips pressed firm against me, pinning me to the mattress. I squirmed beneath him in ache and anticipation and he drew away slightly with a smile.

He told me he loved me again, and again I let him touch me, repeating last night's actions in the multiples.

I made my way slowly up the stairs to my new, tiny apartment. It was all I could afford as a student, especially since I had no one to live with. There was no way in hell I was going to stay in the same apartment Demetri and I shared. Plus, I couldn't afford it; in the last few months together, Demetri decided he wanted to pay full rent; that it was his job to provide for me.

I was living off of the last couple grand I had from my parent's policies. It was dirty and the wallpaper was peeling off the walls and the radiator made everything sweltering and yesterday I was sure I had seen a cockroach. Still, it was fitting for what my life had become.

"Please, stay with me instead." Edward had insisted, when I had taken him with me to look at the apartment.

I rolled my eyes as we got out of the car and looked up at the building. "Edward, I'm not moving in with you."

I didn't look at him to see his disappointment, something I was so used to since that one fateful night a little over a week ago when I had gone to him.

He had barely stepped in the door to the apartment before the offer sprung from his mouth again, looking at me with wide, terrified eyes that said '_you can't live here_'.

But I could and I did.

No school today. Lunch with Edward it is then. How nice, considering the recent events in my life. I _hate_ my life.

I rummaged through the mail at the receptionist's desk looking for anything addressed to Edward. Really it's just a reason to go into his office without having to wait outside.

_She_ would have a cow if I dared touch anything office related. Thank God she's gone, that stupid bitch. Edward replaced Tanya shortly after Demetri left me. He claimed that she would leave for lunch early and return late. He was wholly justified in firing her. It wasn't disputed.

The new receptionist was older and much nicer. She knew that I was important around here and never gave me any grief. She _liked_ that I sorted and hand delivered Edward's mail.

When I was done, I tapped the letters into straight piles on the desk and gave Nina a smile. As I made my way to Edward's office I began prioritizing the mail in order of importance. I visited with Edward over the months, long enough to know his clients and who were important and who wasn't.

One envelope stopped me dead in my tracks.

This couldn't be right. It had to be for me. He must've known I'd be here. It had to be for me, he doesn't know my new address.

I turned the envelope over and opened it with trembling fingers. I yanked the letter out eagerly, tossing the envelope aside with an excited smile. My eyes fell onto the paper clutched in my hand, my eyes skimming across the words quickly. Then again. And again.

Again.

An invitation for Edward.

Tears welled in my eyes. I couldn't believe it. Edward still talked to Demetri.

I felt so betrayed, like a knife was sticking in my back. After what Demetri did to me, he kept in contact with him. I wasn't going to let this slide. Enough had been done behind my back as it was.

I was pissed. I bolted to Edward's office.

I threw the doors open with a loud bang, when they collided with the walls. Two stunned heads immediately whipped in my direction. Edward and Jazz.

"Bella what is it?" Edward jumped up from his desk, he was panicked. Rightfully so.

I was panting and had tears running down, standing in the doorway like a fool. A fool that was betrayed by another man.

I swiped at my eyes, trying to see clearly. "This!" I held the letter from Demetri up. "You still talk to him after EVERTHING! I trusted you _SO MUCH!_"

"What? I don't- him who? what's going on?" He swiftly came to me and reached out but I backed away.

"DEMETRI! How could you…to me!" my fingers dug into my chest. "You're going aren't you? To _celebrate_ with him making partner. What'd you do for him Edward huh?" I shoved him. He barely moved but looked hurt. "Did the almighty _Mr._ _Cullen_ make a few calls to help out his _buddy. _Did you use your money and power to put him on top!"

"Bella stop it. I don't know what's going on! Let me see the letter."

I smacked it into his chest with force, "_Here"._

His eyes read it swiftly. He was shocked, "I would _never!_ Bella are you crazy? You think I'd-". He didn't finish. He placed his hands on my shoulders that were stiff with tension and bent to be at eye level with me. "Baby, you got it all wrong. I haven't said a word to him. I have nothing, _nothing_ to do with this. I swear it," crumpling the letter.

Now I felt guilty and sick. Accusing Edward, deep down I knew he was innocent, but my emotions got the better of me.

I nodded my head and started crying even more. He pulled me into a hug telling me it was ok. It wasn't though; just the thought of loosing Edward right now scared me. He was all I had, the thought made me want to- speak of the devil.

I felt it coming and I tried to wiggle out of Edwards hold. I took a step back but he still had his hands on my shoulders, my hands were on his four arms, he confused why I was pushing him off. I didn't have a chance to explain. I felt my saliva coating my throat and my nose tingle before I threw up. There wasn't enough space between us. It landed on the toe of his shoes.

I was holding onto him for dear life with tears falling. He still had a hold of me and between us was my vomit. Beautiful.

I felt it coming again and luckily had the sense to run to the trashcan. I felt gentle hands on my back. When I was done I looked to my right and saw Jazz bent down with me with compassionate eyes.

To the left was Edward with no shoes and a very concerned face. I was so embarrassed. "I'm sick".

He looked at Jazz then back to me. There was a tiny upward pull to his lips. He nodded at me, "I know".

Jazz got up and headed to the door, "I'll call Alice. She can get you some shoes Edward."

Getting pregnant made Demetri leave, while Edward stayed. What lead to not having the baby made Edward despise me, yet still stayed. Only to make it clear he hated me. I understood perfectly.

I understood that the only love I ever knew was _conditional._ It was conditional because I served a purpose to those around me. With my parents, I served as an annoyance to them.

With Emmet, I served as his 'little sister', Rosalie, I served as someone to bitch about. Alice, I served as a pseudo best friend. Jazz, I played the role of 'Wife to his best friend'. Carlisle and Esme, the daughter they never had. And with Edward, I…

**(Present)**

"Here," Alice said, sliding the rope up around Mary's head. "We'll just turn them out now and feed them in the field. They didn't go out yesterday so I'm sure they're dying for a little room to stretch out."

With a wide smile, I turned back around and followed Alice the rest of the way to the field.

After Alice showed me how to slide the halter off, she went back and grabbed the rest of the horses quickly, leading all four behind her at once.

When they finally settled into their breakfast, Alice and I talked some. Well, mostly Alice talked. She filled me in on how her upcoming designs were going and wanted to have me come back another time, so she could show me her sketches. She mentioned being a personal shopper was easier since she got an assistant and could stay home _ever more._

Alice didn't mention anyone other than Jazz or herself and stayed clear of mentioning other members of the family. When she felt that I had been sufficiently caught up, she suggested we go inside because she was getting cold.

"See?" Alice smirked as we trudged to back to the cabin. "Not so bad was it?"

I had to force the smile off my face in order to shrug, "I guess not."

Alice laughed and nudged my shoulder with hers.

When we reached the front door, Alice kicked her boots off and placed them against the wall.

"Here," she said, motioning to my feet, "just take your boots off outside. We don't want to track what's left of the snow all over the house." She was still chuckling as she explained, "Lord knows I'd have to clean it up. And who wants that?"

I laughed lightly and pulled my boots off, placing them next to Alice's.

I stepped in through the front door after her, shrugging out of the large coat. I bumped into Alice's back. She had stopped in the entry way of the kitchen; I looked up to see what had made her pause.

I saw Jasper sitting at the kitchen table and across from him was, shit… Edward.

So he did stay home.

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what do you think about this chapter...

**REVIEW **


	12. Chapter 12

**1/10/2011**

**Here's when things get rolling. Most of you know what the next chapter is, and I want to say that this isn't a man-hating story; or woman hating for that matter. Once you read the whole story and not just chapter by chapter it will all balance out. I know some are afraid of the 'abortion' issue that is rumored to have happend in the story, but if you stick around and find out well...I think you'll all be very surprised!**

**Thank you guys for answering the question and sharing with me from the last chapter. It was really interesting to get a glimpse of the men around you.**

_My sister Lori is pregnant! I never thought she would be a mom at 23 but life is unexpected like that 6 months along and only just told me **last night**! She is due at the end of March, possibly early April. I have two other older siblings, 1 brother and 1 sister who both have a child of their own and Lori having hers, that will make 3 nieces! haha I'm hoping when my time comes to have babies that I have 5 boys. I don't think we can handle anymore girls. _

**SO CLOSE! 1 more chapter until the NEW stuff. The NEW chapter is called "You Lose" so keep an eye out for it. I'm excited :)**

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**Full Days Work**

**EPOV**

Yeah... Caught you did I Bella?

Sweetheart, if you're going to run from me, make sure it's not to my best friend and his wife.

Imagine my surprise to find my wife missing again. I didn't waste as much time worrying this time. I did storm through the house calling for her, but then remembered she was at Alice's last time. I never did get a chance to confirm with Alice if Bella was really with her on Saturday. I still wanted to maybe tell her about Carlisle's retirement party. That was the goal today.

Besides Bella being _Bella_, I never got the chance to bring it up; work has been insane.

After I calmed down, I called Jazz. We both agreed to be closed today, since work was beating our asses that last week and a half. We received a call from a magazine in California looking for someone to do editing for their ads. They had a falling out with their original team and said we were their first choice to do the job. Jazz and I were thrilled and immediately accepted.

However, the magazine explained they fought with their editors for a week before finally firing them. Which meant; no work got done. They were a week behind and their latest issue went to print from the following Wednesday.

Our whole office went into a blind frenzy trying to provide for our regular clients and simultaneously work on the magazine's ads. Phones rang off the hook, mine and Jazz's private cell phones rang endlessly with people from the magazine, sending us their orders for alterations for the ads. Our E-mail inboxes were flooded, faxes were sent. It was mania.

If you read magazines, then you fucking know how many ads are in them. The amount of ads plus, the rush order to make the deadline before it went to print was torture, but I loved the adrenaline pump it gave. The massive bonus the magazine was throwing at us didn't hurt

In the end, regardless of doing double duty during the day, Jazz and I didn't have a choice in the matter of working late. We had our names on this deal and to not come through on it meant bad press. We divided up what we could of the ads and worked until our eyes crossed from looking at our computer screens for so long.

I heard Jazz most nights, talking away to Alice on speaker phone through the wall. I was thankful it was muffled and undecipherable; Jazz probably had his hand down his pants and the other on his mouse editing. That's really fucking gross, but as long as his ass is working, it was fine by me.

I worked silently. Bella didn't give a shit that I was working late. I would've been courteous and called her but the land line at the house wasn't connected yet and she canceled her cell phone back when my family wouldn't stop hounding her to talk or visit with them. My family always called my phone anyway if they needed me; or Jazz since I worked with him all day.

A few times, Jazz and I went out for some drinks after work to decompress and mentally prepare for another round the next morning. We would order some bar food and beers and watch the replays of sports games we missed. That didn't last long – for Jazz at least.

Instead of wasting more time going to the bar after we finished work, he chose to go back home to Alice. I was dead on my feet every night after work, but I didn't have the luxury of having an 'Alice' waiting at home for me. I had Bella, and I haven't been in a hurry to get home to her for quite some time; and I had no problem relaxing at the bar alone.

Bar flies are an interesting group of people. They show up and linger there, to wait, or take someone home, or drink to forget a past haunting in their life.

The first time Jazz and I went out, I noticed her just sitting at the bar. Waiting to be hit on, or to find her true love, who knows. I merely noticed her is all. I noticed her every time.

It wasn't until I went solo that she approached me.

Everything about her was wrong and I _loved_ it.

Her hair's color and length weren't the same. Her body was unnaturally thin – something she prided herself on through reward, by taking a man home; to show off her efforts. Her eyes were small and silver, but only reflected power and greed – things she wanted from me. Without a doubt, she knows _who_ I am. Her skin was olive and marked with a tattoo – showing the 'wild animal' that lived inside her.

She was nothing I married in to, and I was so relieved I would have nothing to remind me.

No pussy in eight months was absurd. I haven't looked at or thought of Bella in a sexual nature since our last fight at the apartment. Bella tried to engage me but ultimately, made it easier to refuse her. I was too sickened by her and her reasoning behind her advances to be turned on anyway.

God knows Bella found a way to fill the 'void' she had in my absence after so many of my refusals.

Closing the office was very much need. After we made the deadline the following Wednesday; we couldn't even celebrate. On Thursday, we had to use our time getting back into our regular routines. It was just us, a few secretaries, some interns, a book keeper and Linda from payroll. We liked out small network. It's easier to control and you don't have to be so 'Corporate'.

He didn't answer. I tried again and got him.

"She's here…" His voice was thick and gravelly from sleep. Jazz always loved sleeping. I considered sleeping past 8 a.m. a privilege.

"You mean Bella right? She's there?" I didn't have time to waste. I had to make sure.

"Yea… you know how I know?... Alice. No one squeals like Alice. When it comes to Bella...forget it" He sounded humorously annoyed. No doubt, Alice's squeals woke him up.

"What is she doing? Do you know?" I have no idea what she did there Saturday and I'm curious what brought her back. It's not like she'd give that information and I certainly wouldn't ask.

He groaned and heard the ruffling of sheets through the phone, "uh…Alice is showing her the horses I think."

That should be interesting. Bella's timid when it comes to large animals, even large dogs scare her. It was a little unsettling.

"Alice knows she can't ride right?... Jazz, she doesn't know how. You better check on them." Bella would do it. It involved risk. She'd do it.

"Alice isn't reckless like that Edward. She'd never just throw someone on a horse, you know that. Where's all this coming from man?"

I looked out over the horizon where the mountains met the sky, thinking over his question.

"If something happened to her…" I swallowed, "I'd be to blame." I scratched my chin, knowing it was pure truth. No matter how angry I was with her. No matter how much she hurt me.

Jazz's voice was stern, "Don't you _ever_ forget that."

"Yea… I got some stuff to do here. I'll stop by later alright?"

"Isn't the point of today for us _not_ to see each other?"

"Jazz I'm hurt." I feigned shock. "C'mon, I haven't seen Alice at all since dinner last week. Besides, you know you love me." He can pretend he doesn't, but there's no point.

"Of course it's fine. Ali would love it…Hey Edward?"

"Yea Jazz?"

"We're not the only ones over here that you love."

I let out an exasperated groan, half sigh. I pinched the bridge of my nose. It's too early for a migraine.

"K… I'll see you later man." I snapped the phone shut and kicked at the floor.

Always, _always_ comes back to Bella.

I ignored his statement. Loving Bella was something I had long since reconsidered. I got ready for the day. Showered, threw on some jeans and a t-shirt, ate and set to work.

I was finally getting to start on the house this weekend. I was pretty thrilled. I had big, big plans. I wanted to completely renovate. Gut the inside and strip the outside. New walls, new roof, new floors, tile, furniture, paint. _Everything._ I knew I needed supplies but wasn't sure what I already have available here at the house.

I walked out back to the shed behind the house. I knew there wouldn't be much, but I had to take stock of the inventory. There was a large sky light and three windows so light wasn't an issue.

Upon opening the shed, my initial thought was that, Bella would have a God damn stroke. Maybe an aneurysm. Heart attack? Oh God, she'd never survive, arachnophob that she was.

She _hates_ spiders.

This shed was riddled with them.

I rummaged around but didn't find too much. I found a lot of gardening stuff but nothing in the way of hammers, nails, drills, screw drivers. Not even a basic tool box.

Seeing that I had nothing to start with, I made a trip to the hardware store. I got the basics, along with some work benches to line the back of the shed. I knew I'd need more tools and materials later, but wasn't she _what_ that would be. I was going to get Jazz and Emmet to help. Emmet would know what I'd need down the road. I would hire and his team to do the renovation for me, but where's the fun in that? Plus, this was for me. A task I planned long ago. Although, the reasons may have changed a bit.

Originally, I bought the house just so I could have a small piece of Bella. She was taken and I couldn't have her. So when she wanted to sell her house, I jumped on it. Just to have anything of Bella's made me feel closer to her. I wanted to redo the house and give it back to her. She said it was too rundown to rent out. So I was going to fix it up for her, figuring she didn't have the time to take care of it herself.

Of course, being as in love with her as I was; I imagined us living there together. Married. With children eventually. But she was with Demetri, and the fantasies were just that. Fantasies.

Low and behold, by the time she was married to me, the scene had changed considerably. I still had hope but, I never fantasized that I'd loathe her or that she would've rocked my entire world from its very foundation.

That was over and done with and no amount of dwelling and wishing for it to be different would bring back what I was robbed of.

When I got home, Bella hadn't returned, so I decided to clean out the shed. There wasn't much junk in it, but I could definitely get rid of the old. I'm not a pack rat, and I don't hang on to things just so it can culminate into a chaotic mess.

The gardening tools were fairly new, and a few shovels and a ladder I uncovered were fine as well. I swept it out and added my benches and loaded my tools in their respective drawers. Tape measure, hammers, nails, screw drivers, screws, wrenches, power drills, multiple sizes of drill bits, sandpaper and scrappers.

An oval table with different splatters and droplets of color sat in the middle; clearly someone previously used it for working on their projects as well. I planned to use it to lay out my blue prints.

The hardware store is to a man, as, what the mall is to a woman.

By the time I was finished it was just after 2 pm. There wasn't anything I could do until I got Jazz and Emmet's help. So I decided to begin the recruiting process and made my way over to Jazz and Alice's.

On the way, I had to mentally fight off Jazz's last words to me. It's been nagging at me since he said them. I refuse to pay it any attention. I saw the backs of Alice and Bella on the opposite side of the large field as I came along the path. They were switching between chatting and watching the horses. My shoulders relaxed some, knowing they weren't riding, just watching.

I kept my eyes on them while walking. Bella's arms rested on the top rail of the fence while her foot was perched on the lower railing. Alice's body mimicked the same position, chatting away, while motioning to the horses time to time. Bella just nodded or looked away from Alice to the horses. I looked away when I give the door a good knock.

A moment passed and Jazz answered with a mug of coffee in hand, "Hey, wants some" raising his cup. No doubt, just rolled out of bed. Sleep, he loves it. Tremendously. I'm not surprised he's only _now_ getting up since we've been working so late.

I smiled, "Nah, I'm good." I followed him to the kitchen table, he sat across from me, resting back in the chair.

He took a sip, "You see them?" His eyes scan out the window behind me, "I haven't checked on them since my second cup."

I leaned forward, resting my elbows, sighing deeply. I nodded, not wanting to admit we share the same habit that we know we _both_ have. We are their protectors, and Alice and Bella are the protected.

"Not riding. Like I said. I imagine Alice would want take it slow and keep Bella coming back."

Picking dirt out of my thumb nail, "I'm sure she would, but Bella's been one to disappoint."

Jazz furrowed his brows, "Alice is a big girl. Bella not returning is something she expects…She's out there with Bella cause she wants to be there for her… ironic Bella turned up here after dinner at your parent's."

Bella always ran when it got tricky. If Alice forced anything, certain _topics_ or offered support, Bella wouldn't return. She wanted the mess she made swept under the rug and forgotten. Thing is, it can't happen. So many people want answers and only she has them. I'm not doing her dirty work for her. She has to come clean to my family. I wasn't the one that made the decision. She robbed me of something so precious, and she can explain to them, and possibly even to me, _why she did it_.

"I know that, but it's not fair for Alice…", I sighed, ignoring the E.S.P. that the girls 'supposedly' shared, "Look, I didn't come here to talk about Bella and certainly not how upset Alice _will_ _be_ later on. We talked about the house before, but I'm finally ready to get started. Went to the hardware store and got some basics. I need your help and Emmet's too," leaning back in my seat.

Jazz straightened up, "Yea, that'll be fine. Honestly, I'm kind of excited. It'll be cool to do some man's work with you and Em."

"Great. There's no rush either. We can take our time and make sure it's done well. I was thinking maybe you guys could join me weekends, and I could do the one-man projects during the week."

"Whatever you need, I'm there man." He walked over to the sink as he finished his coffee. He rinsed it and sat at the table again. "What's Bella's take on it? She ok with you totally gutting her childhood home?"

I rolled my eyes. Bella despised being there and she said that she hated it there as a child. She didn't seem to be very attached in any way since we moved in. Besides that, and the fact that she was removing the wallpaper in her room; which I figured out on Tuesday night, when I saw some pieces stuck to the back of her T-shirt and on the bottoms of her shoes.

I didn't say anything. I went about my business like I knew nothing, letting her think she was being completely stealth about it. It was kind of funny seeing it stuck to her and not telling her.

"Nope, I don't think she'll give a shit."

At that moment we heard thunking on the porch and the door open.

Jazz met my eyes and nodded his head towards the front door, mouthing 'wives'.

That acted made me think of another situation. Something I thought of time to time. When I wanted to mourn two things I lost.

That day Bella threw up in my office. Me and Jazz were on either side of her. Neither of us ever knew of seeing Bella sick, and I mean ever; and was in our office _alot_. His expression caught my eye; he was perplexed just like me.

Something flashed across his eyes, then mouthed 'pregnant' with raised eyebrows, making it a question. The idea made my heart spike in excitement. I could feel my mouth twitching, a smile was begging to break out on my lips but I had to fight it off.

It wasn't possible. It was just one time. I mean, we did more the next morning, but there weren't any other unions. But what beat that notion out of my head was the fact, if she was pregnant, there was no way in hell I had anything to do with it. I was quite sure the fucking that she and Demetri did at the cabin could be heard by the neighbors as well. That was a bitter fucking pill to swallow.

_Pill._ She had to be on the pill right? Getting pregnant seemed so unlikely. That thing had a 'point-one percent' chance of conceiving, and the fact that she _did_ was just so unbelievable. What are the chances?...

Apparently, point-one percent.

Alice froze when she came around the corner and spotted me. Bella came along right behind her. Alice had a happy and slightly surprised look on her face. Bella looked at me with furrowed brows. Maybe wondering how I found her secret hideout. Or that I'm not at work.

Alice moved towards me to give a one-armed hug, saying, "Edward hey. This must be my lucky day. First Bella, now you." She made her way to sit on Jazz's lap, "Edward I hope you didn't wake this one up, he gets pretty grumpy if he doesn't get to take full advantage of sleeping in."

Bella slowly moved closer taking a seat next to me and gave Jazz a smile. I gave her a quick glance then my attention went back to Alice and Jazz.

"No I didn't, Princess was already up when I got here. I was just checking to see if he hasn't become too much of an old man to help me with the house remodel."

Bella decided to pipe up, "Who's remodeling?"

It's really fucking tough to not get irritated with your wife when your two best friends are sitting across from you.

As calmly as I could I answered, "I am". I didn't say 'We' since she wasn't going to have a say in what I chose to do regarding the house. If she liked it or not, she'd better learn to accept it.

"What the hell? No you're not," she didn't believe me.

Jazz gave me a look that said, 'How could she not know', and attempted to soothe Bella.

"What Edward means is, he wants to make repairs. Like fix the roof, and put in some new insulation. It's always good to keep up to date with repairs."

All I could do was nod. I couldn't say what my _real_ plans were for the house.

"There's nothing wrong with the roof though, so I don't see the nee-"

I cut her off, "There is. When the ice melted from the snow storm last week, there was water damage to the south wall of my room."

She wouldn't know about this. One, because we never talk and two, she's never been in my room.

The look on her face said she still didn't believe me.

"It's not too bad, but if ignored then it'll only get worse. I went to the hardware store today…cleaned out the shed and everything to get started. Jazz and hopefully Emmet are going to help me."

Fuck, that's the most I've said to her in _months_.

Alice cut in before anyone could say more and changed the topic for Bella's comfort.

"Say Bella, I was wondering if maybe…you'd like a do some house-sitting? Here. For me and Jazz of course."

Jazz immediately darted his eyes inconspicuously to Alice. She didn't see the action since she was eye-locked with Bella. I guess this wasn't something they had discussed.

I knew they were trying to sort out who would take care of the horses while they were away but that job certainly required more than what Bella was capable of doing.

The only logical person was Carlisle, but Alice mentioned not wanting to pull him away from his last days at the hospital. I couldn't since I had to manage the office while Jazz was away. Esme, Emmer and Rose knew nothing about horses as well as Bella. So why would Alice ask her?

Bella sat up straighter, "W-what? Why won't you be here?"

Alice waved her hand, "We're just taking a short trip to see J's parent's for a week or so. Nothing serious. Plus, if you accept, then you can get away from all that construction Edward's going to be doing. Talk about losing your mind." Alice rubbed her temples as is she had already heard hours upon hours of mindless drilling, hammering and sawing.

"Oh, That's nice of you to think of me Alice but…I don't know anything about horses. I mean you saw how today-"

"Bella that's nonsense, today was just an introduction. All you'd have to do is the very same thing I did today with you. Just let them out for a good run and put them back at the end of the day… and a few other things, but we can address that later."

The way Alice talked always had a way of making everything sound alluring and fun.

"Why me? Don't you know people with this kind of expiriense?"

"It's silly to have someone drive out here when I have _you_ right next door." Alice wrinkled her nose like she wanted to pinch Bella's cheeks.

"Besides, I have my absolute faith in you that you can do this, and do it well Bella." She looked at Bella with incredible sincerity and wishing with all her might that Bella would accept.

I knew Alice well enough to know that she meant those words with every fiber of her being.

Bella stared at Alice unblinkingly and frozen, making the rest of us wait for her answer with baited breath. I was surprised, because for once I wasn't sure of what Bella would say.

Alice could be very, very persuasive, but Bella had an unrelenting stubbornness in every bone of her body. They're personality traits were like two Titans clashing. Persuasion vs. stubbornness.

If Bella declined, Alice wouldn't give up and the battle would be unending.

Bella wiped her hand over her mouth and nodded, "Alright. I'll do it."

Alice squeaked and bounced in Jazz's lap, "Thank you, Bella. It'll be fun, I promise. You won't even feel like you're working."

Bella let out a small laugh, "Cool."

She stood up and tucked in her chair, "Well, I think I should be heading back." She faced Alice, "Thanks for today. It gave me something different to do." Alice smiled, "It was fun having you. Maybe next time you can help me wash the horses and clean the stalls."

Bella sounded repulsed by the idea, "Maybe." She gave both Jazz and Alice a wave and went out the front door.

They looked at me with sympathetic looks. I just shrugged my shoulders said I should be getting back as well. I left and followed after Bella. She was a good 5-6 yards ahead of me. I knew where she was headed. I didn't know if it was because she doubted me or wanted to see it with her own eyes that she headed to the shed.

She didn't bother going in the house, instead she went around the side of the house towards the backyard. I broke out into a jog remembering what I hadn't taken care of yet, calling out to stop her, "Wait Bella the shed has a lot of-"

That's all I got out before she threw the shed door open and marched inside.

I ran faster, waiting to hear an inevitable scream. I stepped inside, to see Bella in the middle of the room, scanning her eyes over everything, turning left and right.

I said a prayer in my head, _Lord, please, __**please**__ don't let her look up._

I didn't run across many spiders when cleaning, but most of them did live in the rafters of the shed. There was nothing I could do about them, unless I called a fumigator or bought ample amounts of 'Bug Bombs'. So far, she didn't notice. Never, _never_ tell a woman there's a spider anywhere. It could be at the God damn neighbor's house for all I care.

Don't. Fucking. Do it.

She turned around to look at me, I darted my eyes from the ceiling to her face, not wanting to draw attention above.

"You took today off from work to clean out the shed?"

Wasn't she listening to Jazz? "No, I took today off to get a head start on the house this weekend."

"So I've heard, from _Jazz... _Where you going to let me in on that?"

Honestly? No I wasn't.

"I didn't think it would be any interest to you."

She scoffed and began looking over the new work benches that had some tools laid on top and peeking in a few drawers. She didn't touch anything. She knew better than to mess with my stuff.

Part of me thought she would question what the purpose of some of the tools were, but she didn't. She made her way from left to right, and ended in the corner that I reserved for the gardening supplies that I kept.

She turned to me with raised eyebrows, and pointing to the bucket with the tools inside. I nodded, letting her know it didn't matter to me if she fiddled with that stuff.

I went over to bench and took a seat on my stool and began fiddling with some tools, curious to see what she would do if I was 'occupied'. I threw a few discreet glances at her.

She dumped the bucket of gardening tools out on the table and began sifting through it. 'Hmm'-ing at the objects and brushing them off.

It was nice if you think about it. Husband and wife, working in their element, mine tools, hers gardening.

I decided to head inside for the day.

I stopped at the shed door, "Well, I'm going in. Whatever you do, don't…" I paused, I wasn't sure if I should warn her about the spiders. I was leaving her in here alone and wanted to at least warn her.

"Fuck already! Don't what?" she looked up from the pile of gardening tools.

"Just don't forget to lock the door when you're done." Nah.

She muttered a string of back-talk as I walked to the house. I don't think she realized I could hear, "What the fuck?...I think I know how to close a damn door…idiot…Duh!...I don't need supervision…"

She definitely didn't know I could hear her. I smiled. She could be funny.

I took a shower and headed to the office downstairs to check out what kind of work I missed out on at the office. I used my laptop to check e-mails from clients. I sent Jazz an update regarding a few projects.

It was getting late and I didn't know when Bella would be done doing whatever she was doing in the shed. I ordered pizza since I didn't want to wait for her to finish.

I put a few slices on my plate and peeked out, leaning against the backdoor, taking a bite of pizza, to check on her. I haven't heard any screaming, so she couldn't have discovered the spiders.

The shed door was still open, and the light inside was now on. I noticed a small pile of tools sitting outside the door that weren't there before. Bella came out carrying a shovel and a rake, with a pair of _my_ gloves under her arm.

She picked up the few tools from the ground and walked to the opposite end of the yard. She dropped her tools and kept her shovel in hand. She jabbed at the dirt a few times. Then stuck the pointed tip in and gave it a good stomp with her foot; shovel sinking in immediately. She pushed the shovel handle down and scooped up the dirt, piling it next to the hole she just made.

Shit, she should spend time with Alice more often. Besides the wallpaper, that's the most proactive thing Bella's done.

Well, she wasn't screaming and she was still here, so basically all's well.

I wrote a note, explaining pizza was in the over and taped it to the fridge. I headed back to the office and started working on the finishing details of my last project. I heard Bella come in just a little later. I assumed she ate pizza too, since the oven door liked to creak when you opened it. After that, she made her way upstairs.

I heard her bedroom door open, close, open. Then I heard the bathroom door open, then close and the shower turn on. I worked for a few more minutes, then heard a horrendously chilling scream from upstairs.

I don't know how people 'rate' levels of screams, but this sounded like she was being stabbed to death. I bolted from the office and lunged up the stairs two at a time, hearing thrashing from the bathroom.

"EDWARD! HE'S GOING TO _KILL_ ME!"

I rounded the stair railing and busted into the bathroom, "BELLA!" eyes scanned franticly. Bella was wrapped in her robe standing on top of the toilet in the corner holding a can of shaving cream, aimed at the shower. She jumped when I entered but her eyes were scared and relieved and a little watery when she saw me. My poor, scared Princess.

"HELP ME PLEASE!"

I reached out to her, "Come here, what's wrong!" she met my actions by dropping the shave cream, reaching her hand out, grasping mine; she quickly stepped from the toilet to walking across the bathroom counter. When on my side of the bathroom, I grabbed her by the waist and pulled her down to me. She wasn't expecting it and used her hands to stabilize herself on my shoulders. I swung her around and set her down behind me.

I stepped away from her and quickly gave the bathroom a decent look. I didn't see anyone or anything.

I turned back to her, "Bella what were you screaming like that about?"

"There's a _giant_ tarantula in there!" she pointed obscurely to the shower.

I wanted to fucking kill myself. All day this was a concern.

"You gotta be fucking kidding me" I moaned aloud to myself, smacking my forehead against the door jam.

Bella spun me around, "Knock it off! It's going to get away!" and gave me a small shove into the bathroom.

Spiders don't affect me, and I was pretty sure tarantulas didn't live anywhere north of Nevada. But, you never know. It's easy to kill a regular spider, but much harder to kill something the size of your damn foot.

I scanned the whole bathroom, not seeing a thing, then asked her where she saw it last.

"It's in the shower" she poked her head in from the doorway, "on the wall" she pointed.

I sighed and pulled the shower curtain all the way back. Sure enough there _was _a spider there, but definitely not a tarantula like she claimed.

"C'mon on Bella, seriously?"

"Don't give me that shit Edward, it's huge!"

"It's the size of my pinky" I stepped towards her wiggling it.

She threw her hand out to demonstrate, "What! _Two_ of my pinkies can fit inside yours. So technically, that spider is still fucking huge."

The spider wasn't that big, but to a woman, I'm sure the size of a tarantula was justifiable.

I leaned in closer to see if there were any distinctive markings to determine what kind it was. I felt a hand fist the lower back of my shirt and another hand land on the arm I was using to lean on. She was using my body as a shield.

Bella's head popped up over my shoulder.

I turned my head to glare at her, "what are you doing?"

Our faces were close together, "What? I want to see it too."

I was astounded, "Bella, you just screamed bloody murder over this and now you want to _see_ it? Dammit, I thought there was an _intruder_ in here."

She huffed, "Technically, he _is_ intruding…on my shower."

"Right. I'm not coming next time you scream like that." I had to laugh. Bella was a paradox.

I remembered when she supposedly saw a spider in the hallway of the apartment just after she moved in. She made me take down every picture that was hanging in the hallway just to find that it was nowhere to be found. She felt that it was lurking around waiting for her. Anytime, she had to go to or from our bedroom, she would cover her head in hands and run down the hall.

The spider had no specific markings on it, thus, concluding that it couldn't be all that dangerous.

"What do you think it is?" Bella asked in my ear.

"It's nothing, a regular house spider. It's harmless."

"I still need to take a shower, and can't if he's in here. How are you going to get rid of it?"

I just looked back at her slightly panicked face and simultaneously reached up and turned the shower head towards the tiled wall, washing down the spider.

I watched her eyes, as she watched the spider go down the drain. "Oh…"

I stood up and felt Bella's hands, breasts and stomach slide down my back. Apparently during our conversation she rested more weight on me than I realized. I was incredibly turned on.

In my haste to reach Bella, I had forgotten everything. Everything that lead us to be where we are today. And for these few moments everything was normal. It was just me and her again.

But those days were gone. She even managed to rob us of the simplicity of just being able to be _us._

I stepped around her to exit the bathroom, stepping into the hall.

I steeled myself against the stair banister and faced her, "You really didn't need me for that. You know perfectly well how to _kill_ living things all on your own."

The light in her eyes left and her face immediately dropped. The amount of hurt in her eyes nearly sent me to my knees wanting to apologize. This attack was unprovoked and uncalled for. I never fired first, I always left that up to her.

Bella took a shallow breath and stared back at me with newly watered eyes. She took a step forward and with all her might slammed the door.

The vibration of it was felt throughout the second floor.

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	13. Chapter 13

**1/11/2011**

**We got 100 reviews! Thanks everyone!**

**Things get serious fast in this chapter. Some disagree with how E&B got married but just, I don't know...have faith?**

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Surprise Attack

**BPOV**

I sank to the floor, and slapped my hands over my mouth to keep quiet but the tears dropped like rain, unevenly down at my feet. I quickly pulled my towel from the counter down and buried my face into it to stifle my cries.

I was so hurt, yet so angry. Partly, because he was right, but he didn't have the right to say that. My mistakes are my own and I will call them forth when _I_ choose, not when he wants to rub my face in it.

My sadness turned into rage and I began kicking at the bathroom drawers from where I sat on the floor, in a full blown tantrum.

I should've known.

Today was going too well for it to last. My time with Alice and the horses was pleasant and relaxing. Jazz eased my mind about Edward tearing down my house. Edward cleaned out the shed while I was gone and randomly decided to keep a bucket of gardening tools, which to my ultimate surprise, excited me.

Then the spider incident happened. I did the first thing that naturally came to mind. Called Edward for help.

I was amazed how fast he arrived. I locked eyes with him, thanking God that he showed up at all. I reached out to him, wanting his protection and wanting to thank my Hero. Something he had always been to me, whether I asked him or not.

He pulled me to his chest tightly. I was baffled he'd let so much of himself touch me, or me touch him.

He lectured on how I shouldn't have screamed 'bloody murder' blah, blah. He doesn't understand what spiders do to a woman.

He was looking at the damn spider so intently that I felt like I was missing out on this epic discovery. I didn't want to come face to face with it, so grabbed onto Edward's shirt and hid behind him. If the spider decided to attack, it could eat Edward's face first and I could make a getaway.

I poked my head up over his shoulder, making sure he could hear me over the running water when I spoke. My body was pressed so close, his heat seeped through his shirt and radiated through my robe to my skin. It felt nice and I unconsciously put more weight against him, loving the proximity.

I shouldn't have been thinking like that. Edward would never lay a hand on me like that. Not anymore.

It had been so long since _Edward_ touched me, but not as long from the last time _someone else_ had. His rejections had sent me there. I needed the reassurance that things could maybe be ok like before, but his decision to make me suffer was set in stone in his heart.

He hated me, and I hated him for hating me. But I did everything right to cause it. I threw away all the love he willingly gave to me for free. The love I was _craving_ my whole life to find and keep.

I was so blind to what I had right in front of me, and didn't want to admit that Demetri had screwed me. I was in denial in the worst degree. I swore he'd come back. I knew that I shouldn't still love him after he left, but I did.

Part of me didn't want to because I knew I deserved better, but the other half – the half that won the argument every time- didn't know how to stop loving him.

I had it all figured out with Demetri. I was supposed to marry him. Every little girl believes she's going to marry her first love and live happily ever after. I mean, what the hell where all those Disney Princess movies about and all those fucking Jane Austin books saying?

Turns out, it was absolute _bullshit._ I wasn't a fool; I knew that all relationships came with their own problems and their own set of ups and downs. We're still entitled to dream though right?

As a teenager when my loneliness became too much, I would cry myself to sleep, praying to God he would send someone for me. That I would wake up the next morning and meet this amazing person that I could call my own. Have someone to share my likes and dislikes, good days and bad days, someone to calm me down when I got worked up, someone to hold my shaky hands when I was scared.

On my birthdays, I would wish for the same thing. That by this time next year, I wouldn't be standing here by myself. I would have someone next to me, singing happy birthday to me along with my parents. But after a few years of prayers unanswered, and wishes ungranted. I began to let go.

Instead, I began to pray for God to take the emptiness and pain in my heart away; because, if I didn't feel the hole, then I wouldn't have to be reminded that I was so pathetic, and lonely enough to pray to be loved.

It wasn't about 'not always getting what you want' or 'wanting what you can't have'. It was the fact that a person shouldn't _have to_ pray to find someone to love them. I shouldn't had to of gone through so many birthdays by myself. I should've had someone there for me. I shouldn't of prayed so hard and let myself get excited over every new morning, thinking 'today's the day'.

I cried harder and pressed my face deeper into the towel. I shouldn't had to of gone through my _life_ believing so many people didn't love me or didn't want to love me. I didn't understand why so many felt that way.

Then, Demetri came along. After I had given up and stopped praying, wishing and looking. He found me. I had been so alone and waited so long that I did anything I could to keep him. I refused to ever go back to the way things were before. I realize I must've smothered him. Otherwise, he wouldn't have cheated with Tanya. But, that's when I realized that this man wasn't the one I prayed for. The one I prayed for wouldn't do that to me, because cheating wasn't an expression of love.

The hot steam from the showing falling around me became a thick fog; I had no idea how long I'd been crying. I couldn't stay in here forever but I wasn't in the mood for a shower anymore, regardless of how dirty I was.

I sat there a few more minutes trying to calm my tears. Once under control, I wiped my face a final time with the towel in my hands and got up to shut off the shower. I went to the sink and splashed some cool water on my face. The combination between the lingering steam and fresh water made the bathroom feel like a sauna to my skin.

I didn't bother looking in the mirror, since I knew I looked like shit from helping Alice, playing with the gardening tools and crying. I pulled my robe tighter around me and tied the ties in a knot.

I took a deep breath and then released it, trying to leave what transpired with Edward here in the bathroom behind me. Hoping, that I had cried my frustrations out.

I went to open the door but it didn't open. I jiggled the knob and gave another tug. Nothing.

Either, the steam caused the door and frame to stick together or, slamming it shut jammed it. Or slamming it and then the steam was fucking super gluing it to the frame.

Neither situations were helpful and after jerking at the door some more I'd finally had enough. I was far past my mental limits. I just wanted to go to bed and forget that my life ever happened but I was trapped in the bathroom.

I snapped. Literally feeling a break inside my chest, like a chord snapping.

"_God dammit, You fucking stupid door!" _I went ballistic, screaming at the top of my lungs, pounding and kicking with fists and feet, beating the shit out of the door.

"Open up you stupid motherfucking piece of _shit_!"

I continued yelling and beating and growling my frustration at the door until I was breathless and had to take a break and rested my forehead against the cool bathroom counter top. I was pissed, angry and had enough. I have had _enough_.

I ran my hands through my hair and my left hand got snagged. I pulled, not giving a shit that I took out some of my hair. My wedding ring had my hair stuck around it. I tugged it off my finger and crushed it with my fist into my palm, hoping the tiny sharp corners would puncture the skin.

**(FB)**

Nearly twenty minutes passed and I still hadn't moved from my spot on my bed, in my pathetic apartment.

"Bella?" Edward sounded so concerned.

I didn't respond. I looked away from him, too disgusted to explain.

He saw how tight my fists were in my lap and kneeled in front of me, taking my fists into his and urged me to loosen them with his soft fingers.

"Are you sure? Have you been feeling symptoms?" he breathed quietly. His eyes were so worried and gentle.

My eyes must've answered him, because I didn't have the voice to confirm it. I didn't want to tell him I was one of those stupid girls who were carless enough to get themselves into this type of problem. I wanted to show Edward I could be good like he was. That, just because Demetri left, didn't mean I had to depend on Edward all the time. I was trying to be something I never was; worthy of his time, responsible and capable of taking care of myself.

But I wasn't and I couldn't, I didn't know how. And here he was, sitting in front of me because I asked him to come.

"A baby." His voice was so quiet, but his eyes looked toward my stomach.

He was so disappointed. He had to be, he was being too quiet, even for being Edward. I couldn't even imagine what Emmet would say. What would the others all think?

I knew what I thought. I was trash, irresponsible, worthless, a complete whore.

I didn't need to know what the others would say, I had a pretty good idea already.

"Have… does he know?"

I shut my eyes tight, images flashed through my mind, but what I remember most was hearing Demetri's final opinion on the matter. _"I never said I wanted a damn kid Bella. If you want to keep it, fine, but don't expect me to be around. If you get rid of it, then, all the better_._"_

"I can't…this," I said quickly, walking past him in search of my bag.

I heard him stumbling behind me, trying to get up. "Can't what?"

I ignored him, I could feel Edward's eyes burning into me.

"Bella, talk to me," Edward implored, sounding nervous.

I sniffed and wiped my tears while trying to shove my arm through my jacket's arm whole unsuccessfully.

I always admired Edward's quick thinking, "You're not keeping it?" I heard Edward gasp behind me. "Bella you need think about this. You have to understand the gravity of what you're saying."

I actually didn't say it, he assumed, and it happened to be correct.

He continued, "Will you please just sit down?"

I glanced at him briefly with angry eyes. "There's nothing to say and I understand just fine."

Edward wasn't deterred. He shook his head and stepped towards me, his voice earnest. "Bella, we can talk about this. There's no reason to make this decision so fast. Please, at least tell me what's going through your mind right now."

I sighed in irritation. "Oh jeez Edward, uh I don't know… how about the fact that I'm FUCKING PREGNANT."

"Does Demetri know or not?" Edward asked, his voice was calm and unwavering.

I breezed past him in search for my shoes. "Yea, he knows alright. Don't bother asking what he said. I'm sure your brilliant mind can answer for itself."

My whole heart ached. I loved Demetri so much and yet it meant nothing to him. I wanted him to want his baby, because if he didn't, I wouldn't either. He was just using me until he got bored and moved on.

"Are you trying to get back at him then?" he said, following me.

I turned to face him then, my eyes flashing and my cheeks burning. "It has nothing to do with Demetri washing hands clean of _this_." I scoffed, my voice harsh. "I'm alone in this."

"No you're not," Edward shook his head. "We need to _talk_ about this."

"We really don't," I said, rolling my eyes and storming back into the bathroom.

"Bella," Edward said from behind me. "I _know_ you didn't want to start anything with me, I _know_ you just wanted a quick lay and someone to hold you after that prick left. But this is _real_ now and you can't just ignore it and pretend it's nothing ." I turned around and walked over to him. I could see him fighting the urge to back away from me.

I leaned in close, "Don't think for a second that just because you went _slumming_ with me for one night that you have _any_ say in what I do."

I brushed past him, pushing my shoulder into his chest and feeling him yield to me, making room for me to get away.

"Then why are you doing this? If it's not to get back at Demetri for leaving and you don't want to listen to me… Look, you have two choices: one, you stay this weak little girl, or two, you become the strong woman that I know is in there somewhere and face this." Edward said, still following me. His voice was gentle now. "Let's figure everything out. I know you're scared right now, but I really think we need to just–"

"SCARED? _Scared_ has NOTHING on what I'm feeling right now!" I snapped. "You will never understand. I have nothing. I have no one. What the hell am I going to do with a _baby? _I can't even support myself! I'm about to end up on the motherfucking street any minute!"

There was silence.

I looked up at Edward. He was standing, his body still, blinking back at me. I wasn't sure he was breathing.

"You're not alone. Whether you wanted me to or not, I wouldn't let anything happen to you. So you need to find a new argument to arm yourself with."

I stood, grabbing my purse. "Doesn't matter. You don't have a say in this."

I watched as he dropped to his knees and grabbed my hips, "Tell me why you're doing this? _Why? _Babies aren't _bad_. They're _nice_ babies… and _soft_ and God, they _smell_ like nothing else in the world, newborns smell so _sweet_. You'll never get enough."

I broke down at his description, "Stop it! Just don't alright. It doesn't change anything. It doesn't make me have more money, it doesn't mean I'm capable of raising a child on my own, it doesn't mean I'm ready for this. I'm not! I can't do this! I can't pretend that I can either. I don't have a choice."

"Bella you _do._ Open your beautiful eyes. You're scared and you have every right to be. Listen…is your fear really because you don't think you're smart enough to figure this out? You're about to graduate. That doesn't sound like a stupid person to me Bella. You could do this if you looked past the fear."

My crying quieted down to hiccups, I didn't want to miss a word he had to say. He was just like Carlisle, both of them were wise with words.

"You have a choice. So what if this wasn't in your plans. There's nothing wrong with having a new plan and a new path. You can't see the end but would you want to? Or would you rather be surprised along the way?"

I shook my head and more tears silently fell, "I don't know what to do."

"What do you _want_ to do? _You_, Bella. Don't think about what Demetri would want you to do, or what others will say, they're not important. Only you. What feels right in your _heart_?"

"Edward, I can't. I can't do this alone."

He took hold of my hands, "You won't be alone. I'm going to be right here. And you know the others would stand behind you. To be honest, I think it's about time Mom and Dad became grandparents. They're getting so old. It'll give them something to do." He smiled brilliantly.

He thinks he's so funny.

Carlisle would probably joke that people mistook the baby as his on account of him being so young; even though he's 48. Esme too, would proudly complain about being a grandmother and refer to her beautiful, ageless, wrinkle-free face. I knew they would love it though. They were hounding Alice and Rose about babies for the last year. There wasn't a mean drop of blood in either of them.

I dropped to my knees to be level with Edward. He was still smiling, trying to keep things light. His eyes were hopeful. I still felt like I disappointed him; and Carlisle and Esme, the others.

He said I wouldn't be alone and I was banking everything on that one statement.

I reached out and hugged him tightly. His arms held me firmly to his chest. He said nothing but kept steady breathes waiting for my verdict.

"Edward," I mumbled into his shirt. "I want to be surprised."

He squeezed tighter and let out a deep sigh. "Alright."

"I'm so scared." I fisted his shirt.

"You're not alone." He kept one arm tight around me and the other running through my hair.

"I screwed up so bad."

He started to rock me and pressed his cheek to my temple. "I'm right here."

**(Present)**

As I tried to catch my breath, I heard a creak of wood floor outside the bathroom. I stood up and fixated my eyes on the door. I saw two silhouettes of shoes from underneath. Edward.

A moment passed before I saw the handle twist and door slowly push open. There Edward stood, head hung low, eyes to the floor; he backed away in one step, back against the stair banister.

Then he peaked his eyes up to me, I was enraged that his eyes had the audacity to look _guilty and ashamed._

What did it matter? Why would it matter to him _now_ after all that's happened. Why would he choose what he said to me tonight to feel guilty?

He had no right to say what he did. None.

I didn't think twice about my actions. I went with what I felt inside on raw nerves. He didn't even see it coming; I smiled inside.

I chucked my ring at him and watched it hit his chest and fall to the floor with a clink.

"What th-"

I took three large steps and delivered two consecutive, blistering slaps to his face.

Edward pressed his back against the wall. "Fuck!"

"SHUT UP!" I slapped him again and grabbed the neck of his shirt and pulled.

" Don't you" Slap. "EVER" Slap. "say another God damn word to me again!" Slap. Slap. Slap. Slap.

He tried to reach for my elbows to keep me at bay, but I was rabid. I think he was too stunned to speak. We _never_ laid our hands on each other in a violent manner before. I know he would never hit me. But the fact that I had hit him scared me. This wasn't me. This wasn't _us._

"We don't hit Bella, what the fuck!"

I started to cry again because I couldn't believe I hit him and because his words from earlier had driven me to do so.

" Who the fuck do you think you are huh?" I slapped him anywhere I could, anywhere his hands weren't. His face, arms, chest, sides, even kicking at his shins.

"Damn it Bella knock it off." It was his warning. I didn't care though.

"This is ALL your _fault_! EVERYTHING! _YOU_ did this! You should've fucking stayed out of it. It wasn't your fucking mess to clean up anyway! I DIDN'T ASK FOR YOUR _FUCKING_ HELP!" I was starting to miss my mark because my eyes were so watery.

"And how _dare you_ say those things to me! You _think_ you know everything Edward, well you fucking don't! Like you know a fucking thing about what I went through! YOU DON'T GET TO RUB IT IN MY FACE WHEN YOU DON'T HAVE THE MOTHERFUCKING _FACTS!_"

"It's not like I'd want the _fucking_ gory details Bella." His voice was low and growling.

"I swear I want to throw you down the god damn fucking stairs! I _HATE_ YOU SO FUCKING MUCH!"

He wasn't even trying to protect himself, he had his hands up but he wasn't really trying. He was allowing this because it was his punishment for himself, which only pissed me off more.

"I swear to God Bella, you better fucking be PMS-ing right now…cause if you're not…" he was breathing hard and deep, trying not to break like I wanted him to.

"Shut the fuck up! Shut up!"

I slapped him one more time and landed it on his mouth, when I dropped my hand away I saw blood on his bottom lip. Normally, I'd be passing out but the adrenaline I had in me cancelled it out.

I reached up and clawed my fingers into his face. He wasn't fighting me and gave me free reign. His eyes were sharp and boring into mine. His tongue peaked out and touched were his lip was bleeding. He pressed his lips into a thin line when he discovered he was in fact bleeding.

"Put your claws away kitty, I ain't gonna hurt you."

"Don't say another fucking word to me, don't touch me, don't look at me and don't you _ever_ in your life again mention _my child_."

I shoved his head back into the wall, making a thud. I stepped back and kept my eyes fixed on him. He had his hands at his sides, slack against the wall, looking for all the world like a roughed up James Dean.

He laughed mockingly and wiped his mouth with his hand.

"_Your_ child?"

He wasn't disputing it, but in his own 'Edward way' wanted me to remember I had promised him a family. That the baby was just as much his, as it was mine. I knew it was the only thing that would make him sting, just like his words stung me.

In a way I wanted this. Him to respond, to fight back, anything that would force me that much farther over the edge of no return. To just _end_ this instead of dragging it out. But he hardly did anything.

I turned away from him and his penetrating eyes towards my room, "I'm through talking."

He called out to me from the end of the hall, "Yea? For how long?"

I turned back to face him once I entered my room, "What we agreed to…till _death_ do us part." And slammed the door.

I laid curled up in my robe on my bed and listened to Edward head back down stairs. I promised him so much. I had failed him so much.

**(FB)**

"Bella?" I heard a gentle voice. "Have you eaten at all?"

I listened to Edward's soft footsteps make their way slowly across the room. I didn't lift my head to try to see him. I felt too weak to move.

"I'm not hungry," I mumbled, my throat was sore from coughing.

He was beside me, his hand resting on my shoulder before dragging gently down my bare arm. Then it moved back up to the strap of my tank top, playing with it lightly as he knelt down next to the bed. I heard his breath shudder a little at the movement before it was hot and steady against my skin.

"Weren't answering your phone" He tried again. "I was worried."

I didn't respond.

I got sick a few days ago. Edward blamed himself for it since we stayed later that usual at his parent's house. He carried me up four flights of stairs after I told him I wasn't feeling well. He was being absurd.

He set me down on the bed and I hadn't really moved since then.

My eyes found the clock that burned into the silence. It was almost midnight.

It sucked being pregnant and being sick. They say you can't take medicine like cough syrup. Usually when I got sick, I'd practically live off of DayQuil and NyQuil. But since Carlisle prohibited it and Edward wouldn't fuck off, here I lay, literally coughing up my lungs, with every muscle aching.

I remained perfectly still when I felt Edward slip his hand under my shirt and gently run his fingers up and down my back. I rolled onto my side completely, without comment and let him continue his strokes. It felt nice, his fingers soothing my muscles.

I felt his weight dip the mattress slightly. I lay on my side, facing away from him, in nothing but my underwear and tank. I felt the tips of his fingers brushing at the hair that fell down my back.

After a long while, I heard Edward's voice again, quiet in the dark. "Is there something I can help with? Do you need anything?"

"No, I'm fine" I coughed.

Edward was quiet again.

"What about tea, would you like some?" He was trying so hard to get to me to say something, but I didn't want to. I wasn't in the mood.

"I'm sweating bullets and I'm in nothing but my underwear. I don't want tea."

"I can make ice tea. It'll he-"

"No!" I went into a coughing fit, regretting raising my voice.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't make you talk. Rest your throat sweetheart."

"Sorry. It's fine." I told him, my voice rough. I rolled over to my other side to face him. He was staring down at me. His hand that was rubbing my back pulled away and rested on the mattress.

"I want you well again. Sooner the better." He swallowed and shook his head, his hand moved up to pull some of my hair away from my face.

"I don't like you being by yourself like this. It's harder to care for you," he whispered.

I hated that I believed him. When Edward said I wouldn't be alone, he meant it. There wasn't a day when he didn't keep in contact with me. Either dropping by, phone calls, texts, taking me to lunch or sometimes dinner and of course we went to dinner at his parent's house on the other nights. I'd never be able to repay him for his constant sheltering.

"Come stay with me." Edward's voice breathed out.

I sighed, my eyes flickering open and fixing on the bright red numbers of the clock. I was glad he was at my back, glad I couldn't see the urgency that I heard in his voice. He's asked so many times before. I wanted to say yes just to make him shut up.

"So you could play doctor?" I told him simply.

There was only a brief pause, "If that's what you're into."

"Of course I am." We laughed lowly until I started coughing again.

Suddenly his hand was on my shoulder, "Sorry, I shouldn't have- I'll be quiet now."

There was silence for a few minutes while Edward silently stroked my hair.

"I'd take care of you," he told me, his voice calm and reasoning. "It wouldn't be any trouble, it'd be nice…"

"You don't need me stifling your bachelorhood and certainly not another roommate. What if you wanted to take a woman home?" I replied.

"I do want to take a woman home, but I can't get her to agree. How can I convince her?" His voice was confident, as he whispered in my ear. Still, I felt myself focusing in on him, surprised at the force behind his words.

I rolled over to face him. "Maybe she's old fashioned? Can't live together until you're married." I knew he meant me, but teasing him was all I had in the world.

"Would you marry me Bella?" I knew the answer.

There was a pause that felt like it would last forever.

I felt him leaning over me. His hand once again smoothed over my shoulder, before drifting down to my bare waist. I felt the cotton of his shirt, the bone and muscle of his chest pressing against my back as he slowly wrapped his body around mine. I tensed, but made no move to stop him or to push him away.

When he stilled, I heard him breathe in my ear, "I know you feel like it's never going to stop hurting. That you made the wrong choice and that it scares you."

I could feel his lips on my skin as he spoke.

"Being unwanted hurts more than you know." He wouldn't know about being unwanted. His family and friends loved him and every woman on the street wanted him. Being wanted and loved, _I _knew nothing about. Being unloved and unwanted, _he_ knew nothing about.

"Bella," he began as his fingers traced a lazy pattern along my hip bone. His voice was all empathy and velvet. "The only thing I want… doesn't want me."

I felt a small pang in my chest. Maybe he knew a little about it.

I brushed it aside, ignoring it, as I stated firmly, "It's the worst feeling there is."

Edward chuckled heat against the bare skin of my neck. "Then we should replace it with something good." I could hear the sad smile in his voice. "That doesn't hurt."

I twisted in his arms, turning to face him. His hand slid easily over the skin of my stomach as I moved, and when my eyes met his he was looking down at me with only kindness. Only love.

"What do you _want_?" I asked him because I didn't know.

Edward smiled.

"I want you to get some sleep," he said, leaning down and pressing a kiss against my cheek. Then he sighed and continued, "I want you to let me hold you." His arms tightened slightly, my owns hands snaking up to rest against his chest. "I want to make sure nothing ever happens to you under my watch." His eyes were bright. "Bella, I want a part in this. It… what if it could be _our_ baby."

"It's not yours." My voice was so strained.

"It can be."

I could feel the heat and salt of tears tracking down my cheeks as I clung to Edward's shirt, "Marry me, Bella."

I had _nothing_ to lose. I already played the game and lost. There was nothing else.

I pressed my face into his chest harder and fisted his shirt tighter. His arms formed an X on my back and hugged me closer. It was a proposal. It was the only one I'd ever have come my way. No one wants a woman with a kid. I nodded my answer, no doubt I had lost my voice.

I cried into his chest. He deserved so much more than what he was asking for. He shouldn't want me the way he has since we met, but he did. I would never understand.

(Present)

Everything was quiet. The sounds of my outburst all but history. I wanted a drink. _Bad_. I hadn't had one since I was in Seattle, hanging out and shopping with the other unhappy, rich house wives. I'd have to pick some up when I went to the store.

I decided there are two types of angry. One, is when you're truly angry and you feel nothing but rage. Two, is when something hurts you so deeply and emotionally that your mind can't handle processing it, that it turns into anger. Tonight was definitely the second. Edward's words stung and burned and left a deep ache in my chest.

Today had truly been a spectrum of emotions. I couldn't even process anything in my mind, that's how spent I was. I laid there, staring into the nothingness of my blank walls until I fell asleep.

* * *

What do you think? Tell me, hit **REVIEW.**


	14. Chapter 14

**12/10/2010**

**Edward and Bella are the BIGGEST hypocrites. When they say or do one thing, they say and do the opposite. Please don't 'skim read' this chapter. There's alot of information and it'll save me from answering certain questions. There's a few FB's; and they jump around from the time periods that they were together.**

**Eclipse is on DVD. The commentary is to die for. It's worth it to hear Rob say "Pussy" and "Boobs"**

**I'll keep this short, so you can get to reading faster :)**

* * *

**Damage**

**EPOV **

I rubbed at my eyes. I wasn't sure how much longer I could stare at it. My thumb rubbed over the diamond I had wrapped around the pad of my pointer finger. A few strands of hair were viced between the facets. The light caught some of the red in her hair.

She couldn't have been any clearer by the action. Throwing her wedding ring at me was the loudest 'Fuck You' I've ever heard her say. Yet, she didn't say a word. It took that one action of my ring leaving her finger and being hurled at me to fully encompass in my mind just how much she hated me.

The ring was the belief in every vow and promise I made and would keep to her. Protect, honor and love. She didn't believe or want those things anymore. I made a secret vow on our wedding day. One that I said in my head as I said my other vows aloud. After 'In sickness and in health, till death do us part', I added my personal touch. It was something I tried to do every day, even though she pushed my limits.

"_I promise to love thyself last."_

A quote Shakespeare had written. By putting myself last, I'd always love her first and far above myself.

Bella said I didn't have the facts. I didn't need to know how she did it. I just wanted to know _why_ she did it. I wanted to know why it was so hard for her to say the fucking words, but so easily could carry out the action. I would sometimes come home to find her unsure of keeping the baby.

We were married and I loved her and wanted and loved the baby, but I was sure that some nights were due to her fear; even though she had a home and money and anything else she would ever dare dream of, she still felt unsure. I had to calm her down and talk it out with her, but it was always so difficult.

She had a difficult time opening up to me when it came to the baby, so I had to play word games with her just to get the slightest information on what she was feeling and thinking. I was so worried that one day, after speaking with her rationally time and again, that I wouldn't be able to convince her anymore.

**(FB)**

I came home completely beat. I thought of nothing more than coming home to my wife and baby all day. It was so hard not to leave work early. Bella came to visit me and bring lunch sometimes, but not as much as she used to, per my request. I didn't want her overdoing it in anyway.

She would get a ride with Alice most trips, since Alice was going to be heading this way to see Jazz anyway. Other times, she would walk the 8 blocks from home to the office. It made me extremely nervous on those days. Bella said that she enjoyed the exercise and fresh air; and who was I to deny her? I was going to worry either way.

Unfortunately, I didn't see my wife when I came through the door. She wasn't in the kitchen eating disgusting combinations of food either. After the day I had, I was really hoping to be able to relax on the couch with Bella in my lap, our hands poking her stomach to feel the baby while we watched TV. But I knew my wife well. If she wasn't in sight when I walked through the door, it was going to be one of _those_ nights.

I sighed and threw my keys on the catchall table in the entry way and headed towards our bedroom. I wanted her so much to be done with getting caught up in her head. Normally, our door stayed open, but when she was like this, she was silently saying, 'Go away', or 'Leave me alone'. However, none of that kept me away. It only screamed at me to 'enter' that much faster.

I slowly pushed the door open, hoping maybe she was just sleeping but to my dismay, there she lay, nearly 4 months pregnant, curled up on her side on, clad in just a pair of panties and one of my green button up dress shirts, hands folded under the side of her face, staring into oblivion on our bed.

She had to know I was there, leaning against the door watching her. I sighed again deeply and walked over to my closet. I peeled off my suit jacket, loosed my tie, undid the first 2 buttons of the shirt, unbuttoned and rolled up my sleeves, un-tucked my shirt, pulled off my belt, slipped off my shoes and socks, rested my wallet and cell phone on my night stand and finally crawled up behind my wife's little body.

I hated when she got like this. I couldn't understand what made her resort back to feeling like she did. I slowly slid my hand up her arm to her shoulder and placed a kiss there. In my mind, I went through the things I've already told her. There wasn't anything new I could say. As much as I told her that I wanted the baby, I wasn't sure if my opinion counted. It was a baby between her and another man; I had no part in the matter. But I wanted in so badly.

I was insanely jealous. I loved the baby with my whole heart and nothing could make me love it less. Part of me feared that the baby would look like _him_; have too many of his features. It hurt to know this baby had no part of me; none of my anything. But, he would certainly know my love. The best thing would for the baby to look beautiful like Bella.

Yes, I was married to her and technically, the baby was mine as well but, there was nothing that could stop her from changing her mind and give the baby up for adoption. All I could do was present her with rational information regarding anything that involved possibly not keeping the baby. We had talked sometime after I talked her out of an abortion about adoption; if whether or not she'd be able to live with knowing her little boy or girl was out there. If she could look at a child and not wonder if it was hers. It wasn't coercion since I wanted her to have the final say. In the end, Bella favored to keep the baby herself.

I placed my forehead on the back of her neck and placed a kiss there as well. What else could I say? There was nothing. It's been said before. When she got like this, it scared me. She was like this when she doubted that she would be a good mother because of the way her parents were. No amount of reassuring her made her think otherwise.

I gently rubbed her back, a little secret she told me was that it soothed her for an unknown reason; she just always liked it.

I had to change my approach. I couldn't say anything new to her, so, I decided to hit below the belt.

I placed another kiss on her neck, which made her sigh, finally showing some kind of life. I slid down to her waste and turned her hips so that they were flat against the bed, while her top half was still on her side. That was alright by me, it gave a little more privacy.

Bella's shirt wasn't completely buttoned; she only had the one between her breasts fastened, which left her tummy exposed to me. I ran my hands gently over her hips a few times before resting one there permanently and the other tenderly dragging across our little growing bump.

I was excited to meet this little life. I was fascinated everyday and no amount of staring at it was enough for me. I gave the baby a kiss and rested my head on its side on Bella's hip. I glanced up to Bella who now had a sad expression on her face. Instead of jumping to make her feel better, I went along with my original intentions.

"Alright my son, what happened today to make her like this hmm?"

She didn't want to know if the baby was a boy or girl, but I could feel it in my heart that it was a boy. Which irritated Bella, since she believed it was a girl. Bella took a sharp breath and tensed when she realized I was talking to the baby. I've done it before many times, but not like this. She rolled completely onto her back and starred up at the ceiling.

"You're the man of the house when I'm gone, so you got to take care of mom for me."

I began stroking the little bump and pressed my lips to it again. _God_, I wanted so badly just to hold him. I did the next best thing. I snaked my hands behind Bella's back and locked them together, simply just holding her hips in my arms; it's kind of like holding the baby right?

"She'll take care of you too. You two are a team. I'm here if you need anything. I promise I'd never let anything happen to either of you. But what are we going to do about mom hmm? "

I laid my ear against the baby and pretended he was talking to me. "Yea, let's see if it works."

I showered Bella's stomach with kisses and ran my hands up to her waste. I slowly made a trail up towards her chest, pushing away the sides of my shirt she had on and reached up to undo the one button holding it together. I trailed my hands back down her ribs as my lips made their descent upwards. When they made it between her breasts, I laid a languid kiss there and placed a small one on each slighter fully – thank you pregnancy – breast.

I looked at her then, she still looked sad but her face looked a little red, which told me she was getting a little turned on. "Thank you, breasts that will soon feed our happiness." I gently sucked on her right breast, "that will help him or her to grow strong and be healthy."

Bella moaned and placed her hand in the back of my hair. I kissed my way up to her neck and slowly sucked from the base, to the back of her ear, across her collarbones and back down.

Bella's breathing picked up.

I kissed back down to her belly button as my hands caressed her arms and sides back to her hips. "Thank you, Bella's precious body and tummy for carrying our child." My lips brushed along her skin as I spoke.

I grabbed her hand in mine and pressed her palm against the baby. I wanted her to know that she didn't do anything wrong or bad in her life, but that bad things like Demetri happen no matter what you do. She tried to pull her hand away but I held it firmly.

"Sometimes we forget how many blessings in disguise we are given." I knew she understood what I meant. The baby was a blessing, it was up to her to accept it or not.

Bella wrapped her hand around mine and gave it a tug upwards. I crawled up, lay next to her and placed a kiss on the back of her hand.

"Better?"

Bella shook her head, she looked heartbreakingly sad with her teary eyes.

She finally found the will to speak to me, "You deserve so much more than what you settled for. You shouldn't have to come home to me like this. I want to be good for you."

I didn't understand what she meant. I placed my hand on her cheek and gave her lips a kiss and stroked away the few tears that began to fall.

"My wife, you are too good. How can you say that? I've settled for nothing less than what I've wanted. You give me so much. Coming home to you and not an empty apartment is the best part of my day. I count the hours and imagine you with each one."

Saying 'my wife' or 'my child' was always an honor to me. I wore the two titles around my neck like metaphorical medals, with pride.

"I'll try to be good from now on, I promise."

I ignored her ridiculous statement and kissed her slowly. Bella sighed into my mouth and deepened the kiss and added a little more force. She had one hand in my hair and the other trailing down my chest to my pant's zipper. My hand stayed on her cheek while the other ran down her ribs all the way down to her knee, which I pulled over my hip.

Bella moaned at the new position and began using her leg that was on my hip and her free hand to push my pants down. I had to pull away remove them but quickly returned. Bella's fingers brushed against my erection that was nearly bursting from arousal, and made my hips jerk into her thigh.

She began unbuttoning my shirt while my hand roamed her body until they found her breasts. I dipped my head to kiss and suck them. We paused to remove each other's shirts and I reached down to her hip and hooked my fingers through her panties and pulled them off. Bella giggled when I threw them over my shoulder. I went to crawl back towards her but she halted me, putting her hands on my shoulders.

"What about the baby?" She raised her eyebrows at me.

"He and I worked it out earlier; he said he'd take a nap." Bella laughed and I removed my boxers with a wiggle of my eyebrows. I grabbed her hands and carefully pulled her up to straddle my lap facing me, while I sat on my knees. We found this position was best for us since I didn't want to risk falling or putting too much pressure on Bella and the baby while she was under me.

She trailed kisses along my neck and nibbled my ear. "Bella, tell me if you start to feel uncomfortable. I don't want to hurt you sweetheart."

Bella nodded, "I never want to hurt you either baby," slowly sinking down onto me, she hissed once I was fully sheathed inside. I tensed and squeezed my arm around her trying to keep her still. She quickly assured me, pressing her cheek to mine and whispering in my ear.

"No, it's ok. You just feel so good baby…so good."

I kissed and sucked her skin and up her neck to her lips, giving searing kisses. My left hand stayed firmly planted on the small of her back to keep her protected while the other stroked up and down her spine and sometimes twisted in her hair. Bella had one arm wrapped around my neck while her other hand rested loosely on my shoulder, lightly digging into my skin. I loved holding her, touching, kissing I loved these things. Only her, just Bella.

We were both sighing and panting heavily through our kisses and caresses. It took us longer to reach our peaks in this position, but it was incredibly intimate; getting a quick release was nothing compared to this. The give and take of our bodies melting together with every rise and fall, gasp, moan, careful thrust.

Bella was always close when my name was sighed endlessly from her lips. She laid her forehead against my shoulder, while I kissed away a few beads of sweat from her pulse point on her neck.

I felt her tightening around me and her hand dig deeper into my skin and her other hand pull my hair lightly. Bella came undone, "Edward… Edward… Edward… oh God."

I came a few seconds after, jerking inside her, hugging her to my body, pulling away the hair from her shoulder and kissing her skin, whispering in her ear.

"You're so beautiful and perfect."

She squeezed her arms tightly around while I still held her, whispering back in my ear, "I love you, Edward. I do."

After a few moments, and trying to regroup, I felt warm tears hit my shoulder and slide down my back. It was rare that Bella _said_ she loved me, but when she did it gave me an invincible feeling.

"Sweetheart, what's wrong?" Her whole body was shaking from crying. I combed my fingers through her hair.

"I treat…y-you so badly all the time and I hurt your feelings-s. I know I do. I p-promise I'll try harder for you. I'm so sorry baby. I'm so sorry" She hugged me as tight as should could with her little arms.

I pulled her up and put my hands on her face. Bella could get pretty nasty with her words. But I knew that it was because she didn't know any other way to fight all the things she was feeling inside. Even I admit this all happened quickly for us. The baby, the wedding, moving in.

"Bella, shh honey. Don't worry about that. You're fine; don't be so hard on yourself."

**(Present)**

_Is this what she meant? By throwing her wedding ring in my face and beating the shit out of me?_

She's done other stuff before this, but _this_ was saying something.

I listened. I heard her kick and scream in the bathroom. I heard every sound she made on the other side of that door. I was slowly making my wife go insane, with my anger, my silence, and now harsh words.

In the beginning, I was disgusted by her abortion. I was so angry, that after she showed up at home, I spent almost a full week sleeping at the office. Then, when I was able to somewhat stomach being near her, I ignored her as much as I could, despite her attempts. Now, it was my hurtful words that hurt her just as much as any backhand to the face would. I've never said anything to her in regards to the baby after the night she came home, until now. My words had knocked her down.

I'd give her a fucking divorce if she'd just tell me _why_ she did it. What set her off so bad, that she had to take away my child? Our fight wasn't that bad. She was upset but that's all it was. I wasn't being mean, I wasn't being violent. I just wanted to get her what she wanted.

My wife was losing her mind. Tonight solidified that fact. She pulled her stunts back at the apartment, but when we moved out here, she didn't seem to be too disoriented by it. I figured that was a good start. She didn't play her fucking games, she just settled into the house without much resistance.

Idiotically, I thought she was doing better, but she would come around and finally own up to what she did. She seemed to like Alice, which was amazing that she would go anywhere near family again. She needed to be around them, but didn't want to admit it. She couldn't live alone like she has for the last 8 months. Bella couldn't be with me, she was cracking, but not in the way I wanted. She needed people like Emmet and my father.

I had to have a way for het to get in contact with people, should she ever need them. She would never come to me again for anything. Not after what I'd said to her.

I set the ring in my desk drawer for safe keeping. I got up and headed for the front door, stopping to put on my jacket. I quietly opened the door and slid out without making the wood floors creak or the door click. I didn't want Bella to know I was gone; not that she'd care. It's the courtesy that counts.

When I made it to the office, I grabbed one of the spare blackberrys we had for our staff. Bella may never ask me for help again, but I'll be damned if I didn't let her be able to get a hold of someone that she was willing to go to. I activated it for her and added my family's numbers. I sent a text to all of them with my phone.

'_Bella's new number. Don't call her. She'll talk to you when she's ready.'_

I didn't want them getting excited and bombarding her when she wasn't prepared to handle them. I wrote a note on a post-it for Bella and placed it inside the box.

I made it home by 3 a.m. and silently snuck back into the house. I crept my way to Bella's door listened for any movement. I didn't hear anything so figured she was asleep, as she should be. I laid the box down with the phone inside it. Hoping, she'd see it when she woke up. I decided just to sleep on the couch.

I called the cable guy and Emmet the next morning. I needed his expertise when it came to the house. I wanted him to give an inspection of what needed to be done. He was happy to hear that Bella had a phone again.

Luckily, a small town your cable guy doesn't have much to do. He showed up within 30 minutes. He hooked up the land line, set up a wireless connection for the internet and wired the living room for TV. Emmet said he'd help out only if he could listen to the football games while we worked here on the weekends.

When I said we didn't have a TV, he showed up about 45 minutes later, lugging a 60 inch flat screen, complete with entertainment system out of his jeep. I woke up Jazz and had him get his ass over here to help install it. While drilling the TV to the wall in the living room, Emmet said that the dry wall had recently been replaced and that it was in good condition.

I was glad about that. It meant I only had to replace the damaged wall in my room. Emmet was getting antsy and wanted to see Bella, but I told him to either wait for her to wake up or wait for her to come to find him.

"Besides, I'm almost positive she's PMS-ing. You know how that is." It was a cheap shot, but I couldn't tell Em what happened last night. She was most likely exhausted.

"Shit. I hear ya'. I'd take Bella any day though man. She's got to be a kitten compared to Rosalie. Fuck, she gets vicious. Did Bella get feisty and bust your lip? You got to know how to read the signs and keep your mouth shut."

Emmet ranted while he fiddled with the cords to the TV and cable box. I agree, I should've kept my mouth shut last night.

Jazz shook his head at the mention of my lip; he was tightening the screws to the wall while I held the TV for him. Jazz could tell something happened; Emmet is practically my brother and I love him, but I was glad that he wasn't really aware of what was really going on. He'd kill me if he knew.

Fuck, I wanted to kill me; I shouldn't have snapped at her, especially over something as stupid as being turned on by my wife for a brief moment.

"Nah, she didn't hit me. I just knocked it on the bathroom counter when I dropped my razor on the floor."

We got everything hooked up and Emmet found the game he wanted to listen to while he worked. We all went outside since I wanted to show Emmet about some possible termite damage to the foundation of the house.

Emmet checked it out while Jazz and I listened as he talked about preventing termite damage. Jazz spoke lowly to me.

"Bella's not chopped up in little pieces is she? I can only imagine why she busted your lip my friend."

I gave him a side glace, not wanting to alert Emmet to anything. "No, she's sleeping. I deserved this though." I touched my lip. "Things escalated last night but I promise you I didn't touch her."

"I'm not doubting you. You're not that kind of man. However, just because you're bigger than her and you can take it, doesn't give her the right to lay a hand on you either."

There was no getting around this. True, we were never physical with each other, but in this case she had every right. I think what little piece that's let of my heart would die too if she mentioned the baby to me.

I sighed, not wanting to say it, but knowing I had to, "I brought up the baby last night. That's when it went to shit."

Jazz blew out a long breath, but didn't get a chance to respond when Emmet jumped up, dusting off his hands.

"Alright? It's really simple to do. But I'd say you have a few years before you have to worry about anything like that." I didn't really get what he was talking about since I was talking to Jazz.

"Well, that's great. Thanks for checking it out."

"You said you have a leak in your room when we talked. I brought over a few slabs of drywall to replace it. It shouldn't take more than three or four hours. Plus we got repair the roof before it rains or snows again. I can put a tarp up before I go, so we don't get any surprises until then."

"Yea, that'd be fine."

Well, shit. I have no projects, other than the roof. All that really needs work is the inside. According to Emmet, the drywall is fairly new and there's no worry about termites. I guess I could sand and paint the outside the house.

As we were coming around the corner of the house, I saw Bella shoot off the porch like the Devil was chasing her. I've never been more thankful to see her up and moving. Especially, breathing. Keeping Bella breathing is key.

Emmet called out to her, "BELLA!"

She kept running towards the direction of Jazz and Alice's but looked back to wave at him.

Emmet's shoulders fell but kept his eyes on her. His facial features became sullen. His eyes showed knowledge and hurt.

Emmet spoke to himself, "C'mon girl. After what we went through together…" Then he turned to Jazz and me and tried to throw together a happy demeanor, "You'd think she'd want to see her brother at least. Shit. Where she going anyway?"

Jazz answered him, "She's headed to my house actually. She's been spending time with Alice lately."

"That's good. She needs to have some girl time I guess."

"Yea, Alice is pretty fucking happy she's been going over there."

We hauled the drywall and tools from Emmet's jeep to my room. I pulled the few pieces of furniture to the opposite side of the room to give us space to work. I'm a fucking idiot though and Emmet caught me.

"Edward where the hell is Bella's shit? This is all your crap."

Jazz knew we didn't share the same bed and had our own rooms. Emmet once again wasn't privy to this knowledge.

"Well, since we have the extra rooms Bella wanted to spread her stuff out. Plus, we both didn't have enough closet space for all our clothes, so most of our stuff is all over."

Please believe that shit, please believe that shit, please believe that _shit._

Emmet looked at me peculiarly, "Fuck, I can call a guy to build a bigger closet. All you had to do is ask."

Thank you God. I've always believed in you.

"It'd probably be best to ask Bella before we start tearing shit out. You know how women are with anything involving the inside of the house."

Jazzed spoke up, "That's good thinking Edward. Wouldn't want to add a busted nose along with your lip."

I scowled at him. We finally cut the crap and got to work. Knocking out the wall and putting up the new drywall. It wasn't too bad since Emmet was there and able to help direct.

**BPOV**

A loud bang made me jump from my sleep. I sat there in bed waiting, when I heard a lot of talking from outside, I went to look out my window.

There was Edward, Jazz and Emmet.

Emmet was kneeling, facing the house and talking to the others. Edward's lips moved and his hand pointed to a specific area at the base of the foundation. Emmet shook his head, saying something to Edward, then pounded his fist on the wall of the house. _If anyone could wake a person with just their fist, it would be Emmet_. Edward nodded and seemed satisfied with Emmet's words.

I was surprised when Edward mentioned Emmet would be helping him with the remodel. It was logical of him to bring him into the mix, being a contractor but, there had been a definite strain on their brotherhood after Edward found out Emmet's house was where I chose to hide out after…

It hurt every time I even thought about my child. It was hard to love something that you had never met. It had taken me a very long time and many late nights of thinking to finally understand that maybe things weren't as bleak as I was making them out to be. Edward attracted bad things all the time, even though he was good.

First, meeting me, then later with happened with me and the baby. I would never have the guts to tell him. He would never be able to handle it. His mind would slowly eat him alive. We didn't have a child so now our argument didn't matter anymore. There wasn't a day that went by when I didn't think about my little boy or girl.

Jazz said something to Edward, which made him reach up and touch his lip. In a flurry, gritty images and hateful words flooded my eyes and ears from last night. I gasped sharply, feeling like I had been punched in the stomach. I bent forward trying to suck in air, stumbling back to fall across my bed.

I hit him. So many times. Oh God, he was bleeding. I made him bleed and I did _nothing_. I walked away. Edward never walked away from me, even when he was livid with me. I hit my husband. Edward. I said I hated him. But it wasn't really _him_ I hated; it was what he said to me that I hated so much. I'll never forgive him for saying what he did.

Edward was like the Forrest Gump of gentle and kind. Hitting him was just like hitting Forrest. You just don't. You don't hit Forrest, and you certainly _don't_ hit Edward. Ever.

I should've controlled myself last night. I let my emotions get away from me and look at what it's done. Fighting doesn't make anything better. Now everything is coming undone at the seams. I have no idea how he's going to be now.

I looked at the time, 9:11 a.m. I didn't know how long they had been out there but I knew I wasn't staying. Especially, after what happened last night with Edward and I wasn't ready to have Emmet around. Even though I missed him so much. I missed them all.

I grabbed some clothes and opened my door, peaking out to make sure the coast was clear. My foot collided with a small box sitting just outside my door. I didn't recall seeing it there last night, but then again I was a little preoccupied. I picked it up and turned it over. On the front was the picture of a blackberry phone. It was just like Edward's; I would add meetings to his calendar sometimes when I hung around the office.

I looked around one final time before stepping back into my room. I tossed my clothes on my bed and opened the box. On top of the phone was a note:

'_Already charged. Numbers programmed in.'_

I sat on my bed and turned on the phone and went straight to the contacts list. Sure enough, their names were there; even Edward's and his number at work. I clicked the one that said 'home' and saw the old, familiar number light up the screen.

I left my phone on the bed and quickly showered and dressed. I didn't bother grabbing my phone. There wasn't anyone that I wanted to talk to. Making my way down stairs, I heard a sports announcer's voice come from the T.V., blathering about some game. I stopped at the bottom of the stairs when it hit me.

Game… A game on a television that we didn't have.

I stepped into the living room; there in front of me, mounted on the wall was a 60 inch flat screen, blaring the halftime updates. This had to be some kind of dream. A phone and now this?

I turned away with eyebrows raised and entered the kitchen. I heard the muffled voices of the men outside. I quickly guzzled a glass of water and had no intent on eating. I was sickened over last night's events. I was angry with myself for letting Edward win and get under my skin; and I _hated_ Edward for using the baby against me when he had no clue, absolutely none. After last night, he doesn't deserve to know. The guilt would only kill me that much faster.

I still wanted a drink. I was going to get it one way or another. I was never going to talk to Edward again. That was a promise. I couldn't very well hide bottles and expect him not to find them or expect him not to notice the amount was decreasing by magic. I'd just have to wait until he went to work to get a dose.

I grabbed my jacket from the downstairs closet and made sure I heard no voices near the front of the house before I made a break for it out the front door. I didn't want to talk to anyone or go anywhere but the alternative was worse than being with Alice another day.

I was home free until I heard Emmet call me, "BELLA!"

I looked back but kept running and gave him a quick wave. Emmet threw his hands up and turned to Edward and Jazz. I didn't look at Edward. One look would tell me everything he felt and I didn't want to know.

… … … …

"It's really means a lot to me that you're going to care for the horses while we're gone." Alice poured a bucket of oats into Mary's trough, and then handed it to me.

"Remember, 2 buckets of oats twice a day, plus snacks like carrots and apples and 1 bail of hay after you put them away for the night."

I nodded and poured the 2 bucks of oats into Siobhan's bin, then repeated with the other horses, while Alice raked out the stalls. She had already taken them to the field to stretch before I got here. She was teaching me what to do while she would be away.

"Here." Alice handed me a shovel. "You have to rake their stalls _every day_. It's not the greatest but caring for them is part of loving them. It's messy sometimes. Just rake and shovel it into the trash over there," She pointed to the East end of the stables. "Then replace with fresh straw." She smiled.

I sweated and heaved piles of soiled straw out of two stalls. While Alice and I were adding the fresh straw she threw a giant shovel full in my face. She laughed hysterically which gave me a chance to get her back, making me laugh at her in return.

We finished the stalls and tried to brush and pick straw out of each other's hair, laughing. We headed inside for lunch.

I pushed my food around my plate only taking a few bites, but mostly guzzling the wine she brought out while she explained the grooming techniques and cleaning out their hooves. I had no desire to get that close to them. I was barely handling bridles and lead ropes.

When we were done, I used the bathroom and went back to help Alice clean up our lunch. She already collected the plates and glasses.

"Bella can you go out on the porch and see if you can find my phone? I know Jazz is at your place helping Edward, I don't want to miss it if he calls." She glanced out the window a few times; the edges of her lips were fighting a smile.

"Um, ok." I stepped out onto the porch and checked the porch banister and the lounge chair cushions for Alice's phone. I heard footsteps behind me and turned.

My heart clenched in my chest and my breathing stopped. Gentle eyes and a warm smile greeted my eyes. Tears immediately fell and I bowed my head to the floor with a deep frown, watching them hit the porch.

I heard more footsteps, then both hands pulled my face upward, then wrapped securely around me in a hug. "My little girl." He sighed. "I've missed you so much."

A sob broke loose into the collar of his shirt and I hugged him at tight as I could, letting him hold all of my weight. "Daddy."

(FB)

After dinner, we all went to relax and chat some more in the living room. All the usual suspects were here; expect Rose who had another night shift.

Edward was talking with Emmet and Jazz; since Rose had a night shift tonight. Alice and Esme were getting dessert ready in the kitchen. Then, the most revered of them all was sitting right next to me. Carlisle.

_I fell in love with him the first night I ever had dinner here. We had already eaten and we all were sitting in the living room chatting merrily. Edward was across from us sitting in a chair, while, me, Carlisle and Esme all sat on the couch. Carlisle next to me. After talking for a bit, Carlisle got a mischievous glint in his eye._

_He smiled at me and leaned in to whisper._

"_If I put my head very close to yours and speak softly, he'll suspect us of hatching a plot." He nodded his head slightly in Edward's direction._

_I smiled and whispered back," Yes, and if I looked a little surprised", I pulled back and covered my mouth with a pretend gasp of shock, "well then he'll know it." _

_We both looked at Edward who was watching us nervously. We turned back to look at each other and burst out laughing. Carlisle and I played with Edward like that so much after that._

We had told everyone the news of the pregnancy about a week ago. Edward and I were sitting next to each other on the couch. I didn't want to, I was so ashamed and there wasn't a thing that could change my mind about it, but Edward insisted telling them would be ok.

I practically shielded myself behind Edward, pressing my face into his back and squeezing the dye right out of his shirt that I was fisting so hard. I didn't want to see their disgusted faces. I'm positive Edward felt my entire body shaking. He twisted his arm behind him and held my hand firmly, reassuringly.

They already knew that Demetri and I were no longer together. Plus, moving to a new apartment gave it away anyhow. Even though he was invited to come to the Cullen's for dinner; he always refused, claiming he was too tired or hard more work to do.

Edward understood that I couldn't do it so, he spoke for me. I couldn't hear a damn thing, my heart was thundering in my ears so loud. Anything that was being said sounded alien to me, like I couldn't understand English. Edward laced his fingers through mine and squeezed tighter. I figured that it meant the others didn't take the news well.

He twisted and pulled me crossed his chest and held me. I buried my face in the right side of his neck, the farthest place to hide from glaring eyes. I didn't realize what I was doing until he started stroking my hair and whispered in my ear, "Shh…sweetheart, please don't cry. It's alright. Shh."

I heard a gentle voice speak but I don't know if it was Alice or Esme who said it, "She's not happy about the baby?"

I felt Edward shake his head, "It's not that…she's just...It's an adjustment"

That was the last thing I could recall even though I remained fully awake in Edward's arms before I felt him shift under me.

I had finally found my voice, "Did…how did Emmet take it?" He was practically my brother and I was worried that he'd be mad that I didn't come to him first; or that he'd disown me as a sister for being so stupid.

"I think Emmet and Jazz took it well, considering they spoke of an exchange of money and shook on it. He's on the phone telling Rose now."

I simply nodded and wiped my nose on Edward's shoulder. It didn't matter since I had already cried off my make up on his shirt. "Sorry."

Edward's chest rumbled with laughter, "No harm, it was only my _favorite_." I squeezed his bicep, trying to communicate he wasn't being funny.

I felt a gentle touch on my elbow. I sighed deeply, knowing I had to face the inevitable. I turned my head slowly towards the opposite direction. There sat Carlisle, thumb rubbing my elbow and Esme sitting next to him with watery eyes, holding Carlisle's other hand. I rested my head on Edward's chest and fingered at a button on his shirt, facing them. There was nothing I could say.

"Ah, there she is." Carlisle's eyes and voice were gentle. His hand moved up towards my face and lightly pushed back some of my hair. "I wasn't prepared for my little girl to leave me so soon."

There it was. The disappointment I had been waiting for from the very people I wanted to be so proud of me. I crushed my eyes closed, ready to start crying again. Edward pressed his forehead to the top of my head and stroked my hair.

A hand was placed on my knee. I saw delicate fingers. Esme.

Carlisle spoke more, his hand never left me, "I'm a selfish man. It's hard for a father to accept their daughter is all grown up. I suppose I didn't want to see what was in front of me." Carlisle smiled, "A vibrant, smart and beautiful woman; who in my heart and eyes, will always be my little girl."

Tears silently fell. My whole life my father had never said anything half as decent as what Carlisle just said to me.

"Shh, no more tears. There's nothing to be sad about. I'm excited to be gaining a new member of the family. I've grown quite bored of all of you." Esme winked.

It grew somewhat silent. There was only light whispered chatter. I could hear Edward's even breathing and steady heart. The light clinking of silverware and coffee cups. The scratching of lead against fibrous paper. My eyes followed the sound across the coffee table.

Alice was hunched over a sketch pad she had sitting in her lap. She looked up after she finished some shading in and gave me a closed smile, eyes twinkling. Her eyes roamed over me and went back to drawing.

She was incredible at creating clothes, but she also loved to create portraits and landscapes as a stress reliever. We had gotten to know each other through Cullen dinners and a few run-ins at the office. I didn't exactly know her like a sister but she was very kind and pleasant.

I burrowed deeper into Edward's body and not really speaking to anyone in specific but everyone in general, whispered, "I'm sorry."

**(Present)**

Carlisle pulled back from me, "I hope you don't mind me being here. Alice sent me a message earlier that you were with her."

I wiped my eyes and shook my head, "No, I'm happy to see you. I'm sorry. I should've called you more often…and the others. It's just been really hard."

He smiled sadly, "I know. We've really missed you honey." He pulled me into a hug, "You can't go on like this anymore. You have to tell him, he needs to know."

I pulled away from him. No matter how many times he had wanted me to tell Edward, I just couldn't. He swore things would get better if I did, but after last night, I knew Edward was still too angry to really know.

"I can't. I can't. I can't. He wouldn't understand. He already hates me. He blames me and I blame me too. I should've thought it through and I didn't and it's all too late now. What good would telling him do?"

I was panicking. I knew Carlisle would never say a word to anyone, but just the thought of trying to tell Edward , to say all the words together was difficult even to imagine.

"Bella, you're not to blame. No one is. It's a horrible thing to tell anyone. He's angry because he doesn't know what happened. He doesn't know what you know, or what Emmet and I know. The longer we continue keeping this from him, the worse it'll be when he finds out we've been lying to him for so long._"_

I didn't think about that part. Carlisle and Emmet were in just as deep. If I went down, then so did they. Edward would know that they knew before he did. That they lied and never told him for my sake; because I wasn't ready to tell him. I was so selfish; it didn't even dawn on me that Edward's own father; who didn't have to show me any loyalty, did. Emmet was Edward's brother; he knew him longer than he did me, but went along with it for me.

I was lost. Carlisle was right, the longer we lied, the worse it'd get. If I told Edward what happened, it'd kill him. That's what really made me think twice about it in the first place. It's such a terrible concept to accept, even though thousands of others had experienced similar things.

We didn't have any more time to debate since Alice stepped out onto the porch with a timid smile.

"I thought it would be a nice surprise for you. Dad was coming to see Siobhan and just thought since…" she shrugged.

I knew what she was getting at. I hadn't him in so long and the timing was too perfect to pass up.

"Yea, it was a good surprise. Thank you, Alice, you sly fox." I took a few steps to her and gave her a hug. She let out a squeak and hugged me back hopping in place.

She released and clapped her hands, "Let's go see the horses."

Carlisle and I laughed and followed Alice towards the stables as she skipped. Alice explained that she was teaching me all about the horses and how to care for them to Carlisle. He asked some questions, quizzing me. I felt a volt of pride when I answered correctly.

After we put the horses away for the night, Carlisle told me about his retirement party that he was having at the house. I wanted to be there for him, but I didn't want to be around so many people. I assumed Edward was going, even though he never mentioned it to me.

When my house first came into view, I noticed that Emmet's jeep is gone.

I walk through the front door and wait. I see the glow of the TV coming from the living room and hear the news filtering in on a lower volume. I pull an 'Edward' and slammed the front door and stomp into the kitchen.

I'm pissed at myself, but I take it out on him. I always blame him for all the shit I've done; even when he had nothing to do with it. If I messed up or forgot something, broke a glass, shrunk a shirt; I'd snap and take my frustration out on him. I'd say horrible things and yell at him, while he accepted it.

I don't know if Edward's watching the news or if he's in his room or the shower. I know he's here though, since his cars outside. I pull out pots and ingredients for spaghetti, slamming and banging those as well. Making this doesn't give me any trouble. Brown meat, add onions, tomato sauce, add spaghetti seasoning, add garlic, cook pasta. Done.

I'm never speaking to Edward again for as long as I live; which if I chose, wouldn't be much longer. I'm not making dinner _for_ the bastard; I'm making it because it's just too fucking early to go to bed. I'm not going to apologize for last night. He started that shit himself.

He thinks getting me a phone makes up for it, well it doesn't.

When dinner's ready, I hear Edward come down the stairs and into the kitchen. I'm already seated and taken a few bites, while his plate waits for him on the other side of the table.

I can see him out of the corner of my eye standing there, unsure whether to take a seat or leave. After a minute he sits and hesitantly picks up his fork and starts eating.

I break my promise to myself. I swore that I wouldn't, which means I'm going to hell when I die, "A retirement party?"

Our eyes both snap up and meet. It's a power struggle. He's waiting for me to explain how I found out, while I'm waiting for him to explain why he didn't tell me about it. I want to look at the cut I gave him on his lip but I can't.

He clears his throat before he speaks, "I was going to tell you. There was a lot going on yesterday and I…forgot."

_Forgot? __Fuck this._

I throw my fork down on the table with a clank. I shove my chair back and grab my plate and glass and rush over, throwing them in the sink. The plate survives, the glass doesn't. I spin around and see he's watching me with a surprised face.

I'm so pissed. How hard is it to say, "There's a retirement party at such-and-such date. Be ready." HOW FUCKING HARD?

I keep my eyes on him until I make it out of the kitchen, throwing daggers; then I ran up the stairs to my room, slamming the door. When I fall onto my bed my face collides with the box the blackberry is in. I throw it and hits the wall.

My stomach hurts. Mostly, from the guilt I have and the hate I carry for myself. I'm hungry but when my guilt and hate twist together in my stomach, my hunger is replaced with the pain.

… … … … …

The next morning after I know Edward's at work. I head straight for the kitchen, searching for amber gold. I know exactly where he keeps it. It's not a secret. I search around for it in the small cupboard above the refrigerator and grab it.

I don't know if he's been drinking it. And I don't care if he wants it one night and finds it missing. It's mine now. I don't even bother with a glass. I drink straight from the bottle and I smile inside when it sears my throat and stomach and makes my eyes water; the pain is teaching me a lesson.

This isn't just about Edward not telling me about the party. This isn't about how wrong and guilt ridden I am for hitting him; not about when he came home in the middle of the night and had no idea what he was doing, or if he'll even come home tonight or any night on time again.

It was about all of those things and more. One, I knew had to tell him and somehow make it so Carlisle and Emmet weren't in any trouble. I had to accept that telling him or not telling him wouldn't make a world of difference. It would kill him, no matter how he found out. Two, I was jealous Edward could forget things he was suppose to tell me. Why couldn't I forget things too?

I don't want to remember. I don't want to remember all the damage I've done. The pain, I've caused and will cause even more to everyone I know.

I took longer and longer drinks while a million thoughts ran through my mind.

I want to scream so fucking loud. I hurt so fucking much.

I'll be forgetting soon enough.

* * *

**Surprise! It was a Epov/Bpov special + Lemon. Did you catch all that? Alot was said and revealed.**

**Edward, go ahead and keep thinking Emmet is stupid. Thanks for getting Bella a phone. Bella, shut up. you made Edward dinner because it was your 'silent' way of apologizing. Carlisle and Emmet finally arrived. Rose and Esme will come later. I will trying something new with the next chapter. Time will jump just a tiny tiny bit. **

**The the storm has barely begun for these two**

**What do you think Alice was drawing in the FB?**

**Review**


	15. Chapter 15

**1/18/2011**

**IT'S HERE THE BRAND NEW CHAPTER!**

**Dedicated to pmckelly and MrsShortHand - you guys have kept me sane at a time when I was seriously losing my mind. Also, tweeting while watching the Golden Globes was fun.**

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**You Lose**

**EPOV**

Monday

Before work I made Bella breakfast.

She stormed off last night and didn't get to eat dinner. She spent the day with Alice and didn't eat breakfast. How do I know? There were no dishes, nothing new was added to the trash; we weren't cereal people and I ate the last of the oatmeal that morning.

I wasn't sure when she'd be up to eat it, so I plated some up and wrapped it in foil. I left a note with a corner of the paper planted under the fruit bowl we had center on the kitchen island.

I used to make Bella breakfast all the time.

A short call to Alice last night gave me the information I needed. My Dad had stopped by but Alice coordinated the impromptu visit between Bella and him, which lead to the invitation to retirement party. I wasn't lying when I said I had forgotten to bring it up. I did pure and simple. Between Bella busting my lip and working on the house with Emmet and Jazz, it was only natural.

I was going to tell her. I don't know why she was so upset. She got to see my father and he always made her happy. I was glad she spent time with him. I wanted her to be with the family again; it was evident given our fight the other night how much see needed them.

I shouldn't have opened my mouth. I regret it so much. What kind of prick have I become? I would've never have said something so cruel before. But feeling the way I do and for feeling this way for so long, I wanted her to hurt, just like I hurt. But the knife she stuck me with was doubled edged. I didn't just lose my child; I lost my wife too.

Bella was physically there but, the fire she held when we first met left when Demetri departed. After that, she was the same for the most part. The trouble was she hesitated to make firm commitments for anything: what she wanted to watch on TV, where to eat for dinner when we ordered out, evenings with Alice and Rose; which she sometimes would back out of.

She wanted the option of walking away before someone else could do it to her. Bella's logic was; if she didn't have a say in the decisions, she didn't lose anything from the lack of input, so she wouldn't have to be rejected.

When the baby was gone, I couldn't even say. My mind was in oblivion. After staying at the office for a week I came back home. No phone calls came from me or her either; not to and not from. At home she said nothing and I said nothing. We moved around each other, avoiding what couldn't be undone. I was bathed in grief and I'd like to imagine she was swimming in guilt and regret, though it seemed I knew nothing about my wife.

**(FB) 9 DAYS BEFORE BATHTUB INCIDENT**

Following my return, she made her attempt at a sickening act of repentance. While I laid in bed willing myself to forget about my un-pregnant wife, a cold hand with breath light fingers touched my arm. Bella never moved to the guest bedroom like I thought common sense would tell her to do, which would've been the nursery after we had decided to decorate it when Bella had hit the six month mark in her pregnancy. I didn't move to the guest bedroom because I'd be damned if I gave up my bed over her.

I ignored her touch and rolled closer to my edge of the bed, letting her hand slide off and away from me. The rustling of sheets and a cold, more forceful hand pulled me unto my back. I stared up past Bella at the ceiling, feeling wholly indifferent. She wanted me to talk to her but I really had nothing to say to her. Anything she did or said did nothing to phase or surprise me, not that she said or did much these days. She kept her left hand on my right shoulder.

I resolved to be sleeping on my back and moved my arms up, lacing my fingers behind my head and shut my eyes. Bella took this as an invitation but it wasn't. She tried to bury herself down under my armpit and curl up against me, but I wasn't having it. I grabbed her shoulder and tried to peal her away but it made her claw her hands into my shirt and pull herself up to straddle me, immediately rocking her hips against my groin.

It was impossible for me not to groan at the sensation. I didn't want it to feel good but it was beyond me. A man's anatomy was susceptible to that which was around him. What was around me was what was between her open legs. Bella misread my erection and noises and bent down kissing me.

"Feels good doesn't it? You want me don't you?"

I turned away feebly stopping whatever the fuck she was doing. "Get the fuck off me." My body's reaction wasn't the same as my minds. I didn't want her on me, touching me, kissing me with her murderous lips. I sat up a little and found her wrists trying to put an end to it.

"Stop. It. Bella what are you doing?"

She leaned harder into me going for a second round on my lips and neck, "Tell me you love me. Let me do this Edward. We can have another baby… I'll give you as many as you want, just-"

I sat up swiftly glaring at her, just shy of shoving her off of me and to her side of the bed. I leaped out of bed and staggered to my dresser letting my back fall against it. My ears were ringing. I refuse to believe she just asked me to have a baby with her. My breathing was labored and my scalp was nearly bleeding from my fingers digging into it. I laughed but there was no humor behind it.

She sat with her shoulders hunched in embarrassment ready to burst into tears. That was nothing new; I would glare at her from across the room, ignoring what was on TV while she nervously pulled at the frayed edges of the blanket spread across her lap. My angry was so palpable, pouring off me in waves that she could feel my eyes burning into her and would start crying. Other times when I came home she would look at me with hopeful eyes that were practically begging for me to say something, but when I didn't her she would cry more.

"You've lost your goddamn fucking mind. _Another baby!_ I don't want another baby. I want my baby! The one _you_ got _rid of."_

The dam broke and her tears fell. I didn't feel anything. My bed be damned, she could have it. I stalked off to the guest bedroom.

My rejection hit her hard that night. The next night I came home to Bella in the kitchen making dinner. I sat in the lounge chair in the living room reading the newspaper while she continued working. A few pages into the article I was reading I heard her feet on the Italian tile heading in my direction. Her voice was small and could hardly be heard.

"E-Edward?"

I was still pissed and mentally messed up from last night's shit she pulled. I've only said the bare essentials to her since returning after the week at the office. I wanted to be a true asshole just for a hot minute. I didn't answer her. Her bare feet took a few small steps across living room before trying again, sounding unsure.

"Edward, will you help me?"

I sighed and looked to her, quickly drawn to her right hand wrapped around her left wrist. There were wells of blood between the crevices of her fingers. I sprang up with a sharp intake of breath dropping the newspaper to the floor. I reached her in one bounding step wrapping her tethered hands in mine, adding more pressure on top of her hand to her wrist.

"Oh god, Bella what happened?" I pulled her hands with me towards the kitchen with the rest of her body dragging behind. Putting her dripping hands over the sink, I grabbed a dish towel and absorbed what I could before gently tugging her hand away. There was about a two inch gash on the inner side of her wrist. It wasn't gushing blood so no veins were hit. I looked at her face that had lost all its color; tears were falling while she looked at me fully shaken.

I couldn't believe the way she asked me to help her. '_Will_ you help me?' She made it sound as if I would refuse. Of course I was angry about last night and have been livid for the last month or so, but who would make asking for help a question, an option?

"Don't look. Look up at the ceiling." I didn't need her passing out at the moment.

I pulled open the junk drawer that fortunately held our first-aid and plucked out a few band-aids. I tossed the bloody dish towel on the counter and pulled the plastic off the first band-aid before sticking it to her skin. Bella spoke sniffling towards the ceiling, "I wasn't thinking…It just…stupid… didn't realize until..."

"Okay, just take a deep breath." My eyes scanned the kitchen and landed on the cutting board with carrots spread across it with a small puddle of blood in the center and a large knife lying off to the side.

"You cut it chopping up carrots?" It didn't seem accidental and more like _on purpose_. She lowered her head blinking away the tears the welled up in her eyes from having it turned up. She wore a deep set in frown on the brink of crying again, "Baby…baby carrots."

With that, she began to cry uncontrollably. There wasn't a thing I could do. She was standing right in front of me but I couldn't find her, Bella was lost. She's been missing for some time.

(Present)

During lunch at work, I made a very necessary call to my father. Lunch at work wasn't the same anymore. It was quieter, lonelier. I sometimes went with Jazz when Alice stopped by to eat lunch together, but it wasn't very often. I used my lunch hour to get more work done, instead of messing around like I used to when Bella was here.

The phone rang twice before Carlisle answered, "Edward, how's your day going my boy?"

"Hey, it's going fine. Quick question, why did you tell Bella about the party?"

"I thought you wanted me to? You said she probably wouldn't go if you asked her and wanted one of us to ask instead."

I tapped my pen obnoxiously on my desk, "Yea, but I wanted to ask her first before she turned down the offer. Now she thinks I've been keeping it from her."

"You've had plenty of time to ask her and you didn't. And I can talk to my daughter-in-law about any damn thing I want. If you wanted to let her know about it first, then what took so long?"

"I was trying to think of asking her in a way that wouldn't sound so daunting. She's been out of the loop for awhile now. I just wanted to make sure she understood she wasn't being forced into it. Besides, I had other things going on with work at the office and the moving and recently with the construction me and the guys are doing at the house, it had slipped my mind I guess."

"Yes, well, life does get hectic sometimes. Either way, at least she knows now, regardless of who told her. She said she would be there and our only hope is that she doesn't change her mind. Remember what your mother said? Bella could come just for a few hours. Enough to catch up with everyone. She seemed to be warming up to Alice when I stopped by."

"Dad, anyone can warm up to Alice. It's her nature, God love her. I'm glad for it though, it's a step, for Bella at least."

"Well, I hope she doesn't lose the comfort she's found with Alice. She'll have a sense of security at the party if she still decides to go. I can't believe she's still walking on eggshells after all this time. I thought she might've been coping better than she has been."

"Well, you've suggested therapy to her, but she declined. There's not much else anyone can do. She has to want to do it for herself."

We talked a bit more before I had to get back to work.

When I walked in the house later that night, all was quiet. No lights were on, so I flicked the switches in whatever room I was passing through. "Bella?" I've played this game before. Without hesitating I made it to her bedroom door and knocked a few solid times. There was no response. I tried the handle thankful that it was unlocked, I pushed through the door. The bare walls caught me by surprise. Another thing I forgot that Bella had removed the wallpaper, leaving stark walls. Bella was sleeping, spread across her bed wrapped up in the blankets.

I was glad I resorted to go straight to her room before letting my mind let loose. I decided that I should stop thinking Bella would leave. She couldn't. She had no money, no car and the only people she was remotely close to were family.

I walked out closing the door behind me and headed to the kitchen to start dinner. After the vegetable soup was nearly finished I went to heat some rolls in the oven when I discovered Bella's plate untouched.

Had she not gotten up all day? She didn't eat?

I didn't want to wake her if she was sleeping, so decided to leave her a plate of dinner should her get up later tonight.

Tuesday and Wednesday were the same. Nothing I set out for her was touched and the only time I saw her was when she was holed up in her bed sleeping. I honestly didn't think she'd be this upset about the party. I _was_ going to tell her. I just didn't make it before my father did first.

I knocked on her door Wednesday night; it was becoming ridiculous that she was ignoring me over this and sleeping just to avoid me.

"Bella?" I waited for a response but of course there wasn't one. I tried again, "Bella, c'mon… I was going to tell you, my dad just beat me to it. I was working with the guys and you left. What was I suppose to do?"

But I guess if someone was keeping something from me and others knew. I'd be mad too. I FORGOT. It wasn't intentional. I wasn't keeping it from her.

Thursday:

I set her breakfast by her door hoping that if she did leave her room she would see it.

I came home a few hours late; work was piling up again since the magazine had another issue going to print for the new month. I tried calling her cell and the house phone to let her know I'd be working late but she answered neither; most likely sleeping again.

Tonight, I didn't make a stop at the bar. Work wasn't that hectic yet and I didn't work until 10 or 11 like with the last magazine. A part of me wanted to but another part told me I could wait a little longer.

A groggy Bella was sitting on the staircase when I walked through the door. Upon seeing me she rose and marched to her room, slamming the door.

I really wasn't in the mood to deal with her bitchy attitude and was almost glad she wasn't talking to me. I was on my own for dinner again and proceeded to the kitchen where I found the plate I had left for Bella sitting empty; albeit _dirty_, in the sink.

I opened the fridge and immediately groaned, "_Fuck." _The fridge was in need of restocking.

Thursday was grocery shopping night. Bella was waiting for me so I could take her. I didn't think she'd be awake. She hadn't been for the last three days, so what would it hurt if I worked a few more hours. I made my way to Bella's bedroom door and talked through it like I did the other night.

"Do you still want to go?... I'll take you, its fine. The fridge is low and there isn't much to make for lunch for you tomorrow."

I waited but there was still no response. "Bella! Yes or no?"

There was still nothing. I was really irritated. This was taking it a bit far. "You're acting really…" Childish, "immature, you know that?"

I heard her moving around but wasn't sure what she was doing. I gave up trying to be nice. "Forget it. I'll just catch a ride with Jazz and I'll leave you the keys and some cash so you can go tomorrow."

Friday:

I made her breakfast _again_. I actually didn't mean to do it today. I did it out of habit from doing it the whole week. I just made scrambled eggs and gave her the last bagel we had. I just stuck with eggs and coffee. Instead of leaving it outside her door, I took it a step further and opened her door peeking inside.

She was sound asleep curled up in bed. I set her plate on her bedside table. I gave her glance before heading toward the door but froze before exiting. I stepped quietly next to her sleeping body and bent to carefully cover her goose-bumped shoulders with her blanket. Another habit, caring. Why sis I have to fucking _care_?

I left the keys and the money for groceries on the catchall table by the front door. I called Jazz last night for a ride this morning. It was no problem but this got me thinking that I wouldn't have needed a ride if Bella had her own car.

I'd have to make some calls when I got to the office.

BPOV

Monday:

I drank. Sadly, there wasn't enough to really get me plastered but enough to make me tipsy. I did nothing but wallow and sleep off and on throughout the day.

Tuesday:

I tried to suck it up and ignore everything. I worked in the yard a little. I finished clearing a space for where I wanted to plant some flowers maybe. My left hand felt different. Lighter, lonely. There wasn't much else I could do gardening wise, there weren't any flowers to plant so, I headed up stairs to shower and went back to bed.

Trying not to cry over everything that was in the forefront of my mind and that I didn't have alcohol to wipe it away.

Wednesday:

I cried and slept. I was trying to find a way out of the mess I had made. A way to not hurt those around me more than I already had. It was my entire fault, I should've told Edward as soon as I could instead of hiding at Emmet's. I couldn't tell him, he would've been crushed. I didn't want to be the one to tell him but I didn't want anyone else to do it either, it wasn't right coming from anyone else. They didn't promise him the things I did.

It was his fault. He shouldn't have gotten involved. I shouldn't have let him get involved. He should've walked away when he had the chance. My days were numbered. I would do my best to save Carlisle and Emmet because I didn't care if I didn't make it out alive. There was no telling what Edward might do. He wasn't abusive but I didn't want to see how the information would twist his mind.

I cried until I physically couldn't anymore. It was exhausting.

Thursday:

There was a lot going on in my mind. I had to tell Edward and knew my time was extremely limited. Carlisle wants me to tell him soon and I understand why. I had forced him into taking sides against his own son and he didn't want to keep it from him any longer. He wasn't forcing me but he was definitely telling me that enough was enough; he was right.

Edward and I couldn't continue going on like this and neither could the rest of the family.

I already made up my mind that Carlisle and Emmet wouldn't be to blame for anything. If it was the last thing I did, I wouldn't let Edward touch them. I made them keep it from him so if he wants to get to them, Edward will have to go through me first.

When I went to take a shower I noticed the plate of food outside my door. I didn't know what to think. I realized I hadn't eaten for awhile. He made it for me. Like he used to do. He was trying. He was extending an olive branch and I was ignoring him.

Thinking about telling Edward only made me cry that much more. The guilt was incredible and undeniable. I fell asleep at some point and was later woken up my cell phone ringing. It was Edward calling but I didn't answer. I didn't want him to know that I had accepted him giving me the phone by using it. About ten minutes later the house phone rang and I ignored that too. I mean, I'm sure it was him again but I couldn't be positive.

I figured he was calling to tell me he was on his way to take me grocery shopping like we've been doing. He was trying and I wanted to somehow meet him in the middle somewhere and have common ground between us. This was my olive branch. When he walked in the house a few hours later I was pissed. What took him so long? What was he doing? Was he with Jazz…someone else?

That started me thinking down a dark alley I wasn't prepared to walk down.

He said he'd leave the keys and I was glad. I could get more liquor and drink to my black heart's content.

Rose sent me a text while he was yelling at me through the door. I really didn't want to use the fucking phone Edward gave me but I wanted it near if Carlisle was to call. I wasn't an idiot, I knew Edward most likely gave them my number and it solidified the fact when Rose text me.

"_Hi honey, I'm excited to see you Saturday. Work has been hell but we'll talk soon. I love you."_

Yea, Rose and I became sisters when I stayed at Emmet's house. Rose was incredible. I really didn't think she let me stay but she did and so much more, she took care of me when she wasn't working her shifts.

Where once we only got along for Emmet's sake, we now bonded over my predicament.

It was sad to think it took my situation to bring two people together while simultaneously tearing another two apart.

Granted, it was my doing…

No. It was still his. He involved himself when he shouldn't have.

Friday:

I woke with another already made breakfast for me, resting on my nightstand. Edward did as he said and left the keys and money for me to head to the store.

It was silly adjusting the seat and pedals and mirrors. I can only imagine Edward trying to cram into the driver's seat with my adjustments. It made me laugh at the image that formed in my mind.

Pulling into the parking lot of the store, I noticed a rogue shopping cart straddling the painted line between two parking spots. I decided to park close it so I could grab it on the way in. It turns out, there's a reason the other cars didn't park in either of these two spots. When I tried to wedge into the space on the left side of the spot the cart was straddling, it happened.

I dinged the car with the shopping chart. Edward's fucking ridiculous, overpriced, never before harmed in any way before he let me drive it vehicle, was tarnished by no other than the God damn likes of me. ME!

"He's gonna fucking kill me."

I shook my head at the light gray scratch on the ride side of the passenger door. I leaned forward to bang my head against the car trying to figure what the hell to do.

He's just … Fucking gonna… Oh God.

Why can't anything be _EASY?_ The one time he lets me use his damn car – because before he was always the gentleman and drove me- I had to scratch it. For once, couldn't something just go right?

I decided there was nothing to be done and I wasn't going to tell Edward. Things were bad enough. Besides, he's the driver, the only door he'll see is his side; it's not like he'd notice it…right away. How often do you check out the passenger side of the car when you're going to be the one driving?

I got what we needed and what we were out of and definitely made sure to hit of the liquor isle full force. Mike helped me load the car.

I felt the need to justify the amount of alcohol.

"We really like to throw parties." I said to Mike.

"Ha-ha, yea I see. Just be careful and have fun."

When Edward got home from work he didn't even try to talk to me. Which means I got to live another day.

Saturday:

Riding to the party was terrible. Edward kept sighing heavily and giving me side glances. I did my best to ignore it; I had other issues to contend with. My anxiety was practically dripping off of me. I was afraid to see everyone. I knew I didn't have to go but I did and didn't want to see them.

Maybe I should've visited with them all separately, gone out to dinner with them or something. I was comforted knowing Alice would be there and I knew Rose would be attached to my hip but Emmet would be difficult to see.

I knew I probably hurt him when he was at the house but I also think a part of him understood why. He was the first to know and the first to protect me.

As fun as I knew Esme could be in the past, things weren't the same and I could see the difference in her when she looked at me. Her sympathetic looks and her motherly hovering was what made me back away from all of them; because honestly, it was only a matter of time before the others would start to do the same. I didn't deserve their care after what happened and especially after what I did to her son.

"Bella."

I turned my head to face Edward; he hardly said anything this morning while we ate breakfast. I never thanked him for making me breakfast during the week and I wasn't going to even though I should've. It's not like I asked him to make it for me.

His right hand was resting on the center console between us fisting something.

"If it isn't too _repulsive_ to you…do you think you could wear this…just for today?"

His hand opened to reveal in the center of his palm my wedding ring. My ring finger twitched at the sight, like it recognized finding its long lost love.

I guess it would be obvious to everyone if I _wasn't_ wearing it. They knew we were going through some stuff of course all due to me but they all thought it was in direct cause of the baby, and not another issue Edward was hiding.

I disrespected and shamed him and I didn't blame him for hiding it from those who held him in high regard. I was almost certain not even Jazz knew. I would want to keep my dignity in front of my family too if I was Edward.

He didn't say anything about it since if he told them what an adulterous his wife was; it would simply cast him out to be the pathetic, abused husband. He was _not _avoiding telling them for my benefit. It was to save his own skin from the shame he held, that I had put on him.

I must've taken too long to answer when Edward curled up his hand and put the ring in his dress shirt pocket. "Forget it. Never mind."

My hand immediately reached out to follow his receding one. "I'll wear."

I said it almost with a panicked voice, worrying that I wouldn't get it back. But I suppose I shouldn't be allowed to have it back after treating it the way I had without a care.

Edward's hand went to his pocket, I suspect to stop my hand but somewhere along the short way he changed his mind and barely touched his fingers to my wrist as I fished my ring from his shirt pocket. My fingers could feel the heat from his chest through the fabric.

I slid it on my finger and curled and uncurled my fingers readjusting to the new comforting weight to my left hand.

Edward said nothing and stared straight ahead as he drove.

Luckily, there were a few other people Carlisle had invited from the hospital, people he worked with. Everyone was in the backyard sitting in fold out chairs and gathered around some tables.

Drinks had already been served a while before Edward and I had showed up and they seemed to be enjoying themselves through boisterous talking and laughter. Esme had made a bounty of dishes along with a few catered items.

I was glad a spectacle wasn't made when we arrived. I didn't want a spotlight on me. Edward trailed a few feet behind me for about the first 20 minutes of being there but then wandered away to join his father, Jazz and Emmet.

Rose did as I figured she would. She stayed with me most of the time and Alice eventually wandered over with Esme.

Nothing was being said or eluded to in light of the happy occasion for Carlisle but we all could feel it boiling under the surface. We all made polite chatter and I listened as I got caught up on all I had missed out on. It wasn't crucial but the people I had come to know were still important to me.

I did eventually make my way over to Emmet but didn't make much eye contact with him. Then he hugged me he whispered that everything would be alright. I could feel Edward's eyes on me the whole time, which made me uneasy. Whenever my anxiety spiked I would grab another drink.

After about 5 drinks I started to feel _really_ dizzy and sick. I ate a little bit while Edward was in the shower this morning but I just couldn't bring myself put much effort into it. Drinking on an empty stomach really doesn't make anything better. Rose with her perfect un-drunk balance and her watchful eyes pulled me from the backyard and to the guest bedroom upstairs to lie down.

"Rosie-posie? How are you not drunk?" I laughed stupidly.

She scooted me across the bed and curled up in front of me; just like she used to when I stayed with her and Emmet.

"I wasn't drinking Bells." She grabbed my hand and stroked it with her thumb.

"Liar. I saw you."

She smiled, "It was just juice, and I didn't mix it with anything."

EPOV

To think at this very moment my little boy or girl could be in my arms being shown off to my father's colleagues. And to think it wasn't possible all because of one woman.

My heart ached for the little life I never got to know.

Rose had taken Bella inside about 15 minutes ago due to her drunken stupor. Alice was going off on how Bella was going to watch the horses for her and Jazz while they were in Texas next week to Esme and Emmet.

Esme was worried for Bella doing such a large task but Alice said she was fully capable.

Rose came back outside and headed over to Emmet without Bella in tow. She pulled away and they spoke quietly while everyone merrily continued with their conversations.

I only half heartedly listened to Carlisle when he brought up attending an upcoming Charity Gala. I couldn't peal my eyes away from Rose and Emmet. He pulled her close and rubbed her arms trying to will away the small, sad smile she wore. She looked to me and gave a smile, then looked to Alice.

"Do you think Bella would come to the Gala Edward?" Esme asked with Alice smiling next to her.

"She should come. She's never gone before." Alice chimed after looking away from Rosalie.

True she hasn't, even though I had asked her before. Her excuse was that she was too fat to fit into a beautiful dress. What she didn't understand was the pregnancy was the most beautiful thing about her, regardless of what she wore.

I had hoped more often than I should have that she would accept. I wanted her to go so I could show that my wife and I were expecting. I was excited to share with anyone I could, even going as far as sharing with a barista that took my coffee order that a little one was on the way.

"I don't know. She came today so, I guess there's a possibility."

"Edward! I could make her dress." Alice bounced excitedly at the prospect.

"Ha-ha, you'd do a wonderful job I'm sure."

Esme decided then to express her concern, "Edward is she doing alright? She looks so gaunt. Aren't you feeding that girl?"

Emmet's head snapped in my direction at Esme's words. He said a few words to Rose in her ear and made his way to the array of dishes set out on the table.

How could I explain to my mother that my wife was purposely skipping dinner to avoid me because she was mad? Sure, all relationships have their little arguments but this was Bella, and nothing was little with her. She could make the smallest thing bigger than life. True, she skipped dinner but I made her breakfast all this week because of it. I couldn't make her eat it; even though a few days dirty dishes did greet me. I couldn't force feed it down her throat could I?

"She eats mom. Bella's trying out a new diet or something." Liar.

To lighten the mood Alice wanted Esme's opinion on what color Bella would look best in while Rose came over to join me.

"Bella's inside lying down. Had a little too much fun." She smiled.

As she spoke my eyes followed Emmet's back as he disappeared into the house.

"You should probably take Bella home soon. Emmet wants to say good-bye before you do."

"That's fine. You didn't have to babysit her Rose." She nodded her head.

"Edward, I know it's been awhile but… thanks for not holding a grudge toward Emmet. He didn't know what to do. All he saw was his little sister in need and Bella really needs to tell-"

"Rose, what's done is done. There's no point looking back on what can't be changed." I gave her a hug. I didn't want her to think I was upset with her or Emmet; even though Emmet choosing Bella over me hurt a bit. It wasn't them. It was Bella I was angry with.

**BPOV**

"Belly?"

"M…Em…M. M. M. Em." I'm drunk.

Normally, I'd be anxious to be seeing him, but good ole' liquid courage gave me a hand. He came over to the bed and kneeled next to me, placing a small plate with some pasta salad on the bedside table and rubbed my arm.

"Don't think I didn't notice you pushing around the food on your plate and drinking like a sailor. You're eating that salad," he pointed to the plate he set aside.

I finally had the guts to look him in the eye. I looked deep into them, seeing the brother I wish I could've had growing up. He protected me, he was loyal to me. I saw the heaviness his eyes carried, the weight I had put on him.

"I'm going to tell him Em."

He grabbed my hand and his eyes crinkled with sadness. "It's long overdue. When? You don't have to do it alone. You know I'll be there for you."

I shook my head. "Soon, maybe. I won't let him hurt you. I made you do it, made you promise me. I won't let Carlisle take the blame either."

"No one's to blame Bell."

I nodded as tears fell and my heart broke. "I am. I didn't keep him safe…I-I didn't _protect_ him."

Emmet was a valiant fighter but he couldn't fight his watery eyes. He picked up the paper plate and plastic fork, "You made me a promise too. There's no way I'm going to let you just make yourself sick right in front of me. I'll tell Edward what's going on Bella, I mean it. He'll watch you like a hawk and I won't feel a shred of guilt."

"What the fuck would Edward care Emmet? Look at what I did to him."

Emmet's shoulders sunk, "He cares. Very Much."

**RPOV**

Poor Edward, he had no idea.

Alice caught my gaze and I knew she was thinking what I was. How were we going to tell Bella?

It was agreed that Edward and Bella would be told in private; away from parents and each other.

Emmet and his heavy heart couldn't keep me from knowing about Bella when it happened. He had to tell me or else he would explode. Alice didn't know what I did either when it came to Bella's situation.

Esme, Jazz and Alice all knew as much as Edward did. Bella knew that Emmet told me and she wasn't upset I don't think. But it's hard to tell when she was clinging to me for dear life and cry-screaming apologies to Edward, even though he wasn't there to hear them.

Bella was trying to protect Edward. She didn't want him to hurt like she was. She wanted to tell him, but just couldn't find the words.

Now, after so much time passing, keeping secrets and lying; no one would make it out of this unharmed. Most of all, Edward.

Bella had time to process and cope with it but Edward never knew. I was worried for him. Bella delaying to tell him was because she was worried for him too.

Edward was such a pure heart and Emmet said Bella had it rough growing up. Neither of them deserved this.

**EPOV**

Despite Bella getting tipsy at the party, it went pretty well. My family knew to let Bella come to them and not overwhelm her. She did make her way to everyone eventually, even standing with Carlisle to share a few words with his colleagues before Rose took her to lie down.

She had regained her composure on the way home. I thought of the Gala and if I should tell her now or when the Gala was closer. For the first time, I was thinking of not attending myself, but knew my family wouldn't let me get away with it.

As Bella trudged up the stairs in front of me, I decided to just bite the bullet.

"Hey, Bella?" She stopped midway on the stairs and gave me a side glance.

"There was talk of an upcoming Gala and…the family would like you to come join them. Alice is already planning on making you a dress and frankly, I don't see a way out of stopping her."

I didn't realized I had expelled my words in one nervous breathe. I wasn't sure how she'd react or if she'd say anything at all. She hasn't said hardly two words to me since her assault on me.

She let out a sigh and waved her hand dismissively, "Yeah, whatever."

I don't know what I was prepared for but it certainly wasn't that. I was used to her telling me that she was too fat to go from being pregnant but I guess that was then, and this is now.

Bella went to start up the stairs again when a problem flickered through my mind. It was something that started gnawing at me when she wouldn't come down to dinner during the week and again today when she only picked at her food.

"Hungry?"

She stumbled on the last step she took when my words registered with her. She slowly turned to face me on the landing of the stairs. I should've noticed before but I suppose I wasn't looking for it. There was definitely something off about her. Her skin had lost its color and had become a gray tone. There was something else, happening somewhere beneath the surface but I couldn't define it. Gaunt, wasn't the right word.

"I ate already." She remained for a second longer on the stairs before concealing herself inside her room.

Her answer did nothing to alleviate my growing anxiousness. I know she didn't eat. I _watched_ her not eat.

* * *

Yep, there was a Rose-pov. This chapter was really loaded.

Other POV's other than E&B most likely won't happen again. I had to show an outside perspective of how E&B are viewed by the family. I know this chapter is really confusing and I hate when a chapter happens in Epov and then the next chapter is the exact same thing only it's in Bpov. I hate "repeats" like that I try to avoid it because it doesn't progress the story enough. I'm so sorry for the long wait for this chapter. Thank you all so much for support and patience. I'm incredibly nervous of what you guys think of this. Next update will be in 2 weeks.

**How bad did I disappoint you with this chapter?**

**Review : )**


	16. Chapter 16

**1/29/2011**

**For those who don't know. Chapter 15 was a brand new chapter.**

**Warning: my mind is a sick place. Don't be surprised about the end of this chapter.**

**Review when you're done.**

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**Payback**

**EPOV**

I was at my fucking wits end. I've had enough of her bullshit and I'm definitely done trying to wait out her pity party. There's no way she could still be fucking mad at me. I ask her if she wanted to go to the gala and she said yes. Why the hell couldn't she just fucking drop it?

Even though work was getting really grueling with the magazine's new issue, I made sure my ass was home to make dinner. Bella was crazy if she thought I was going to let her cry for attention continue. She was always asleep when I got home. Probably tired from taking care of the horses but I didn't care.

I dragged her ass out of bed too. She was livid, but I didn't give a shit. I sat her ass down at the kitchen every night with a warm dinner ready and she just sat there, arms crossed and chin turned up and away from me. Completely defiant. She never ate a thing, and after about 45 minutes each night, I fucking gave up, throwing her untouched plate in the sink as she stomped up the stairs. On the first night, when she put together that I wanted her to eat, she had the fucking audacity to walk away from me.

She immediately got up tipping her chair over in the process and was able four steps before I got up and caught her by the back of the shoulders and pulled her back against my chest.

"Do that shit again Bella. I fucking dare you…in fact I'm begging you." I growled in her ear.

I unceremoniously heaved her into my chair and I righted her tipped chair and sat in it, daring her with my eyes to make a move like that again. She didn't because she's a good girl and learns quick.

I sat right next to her waiting and staring right back, every few minutes scooting the plate closer and closer, until it was practically teetering on the edge of the fucking table. One night I even had to put the fucking fork in her hand, which she then chucked across the kitchen. I was so fucking close to just jamming food down her throat.

To be honest, I couldn't stand to see her like this. I was worried and couldn't fully understand what was making her do this. I decided to make a call. We talked a bit, then got to the heart of why I was really calling.

"Emmet, God knows she loves to run to you for cover, can you tell me why the fuck my damn wife won't eat a fucking thing?

"Edward…Fuck man," Emmet sighed. "I warned her. She's still not eating?...damn."

"Wait. What do you mean _still?_ Did you fucking know about this?"

"No. Listen you gotta understand, Bella's had…in high school was…"

"WHAT EMMET!"

"FUCK! Edward, she was anorexic in high school OK! She never wanted anyone to know because she said it was behind her, but I guess it's back man…it's back."

I didn't know what to say. I guess I was on the right track to make her sit down and try to eat. She never really talked about high school days. Emmet went on to explain what Bella had told him and what lead her to such an extreme. I heard "too much emotional stress" and "she couldn't control it, so took it out on herself."

I told him I'd take care of it. Whatever way I could. I couldn't believe she made herself sick like that.

I came home early today; I was completely spent from working. Bella wasn't home. She was taking care of the horses. I could feel the absence of her, mostly because there was less tension knowing she was gone.

I stopped by her room, sat on her bed, looking around. Her blank walls made me think of taking her to pick out paint colors. Something for her to do after she finished with the horses. Her garden that she was working on, was just sitting there empty with no plants. I guess I could take her to pick out flowers too.

I was still really angry with her, and I think I always will be but, this was a new development. Something I never knew about her and it shook me.

When I got up to leave but my foot hit something that clinked under her bed. I bent and swiped my hand under the bed. My hand hit cold glass. Pulling it out, I read the label in disgust, shock and anger.

_Southern Comfort._

Bella was quickly becoming more trouble than she was worth. She needed help.

**BPOV**

Alice and Jazz were coming back tonight, so today is my last day with the horses. I was so damn scared the first few days. I didn't hate animals I was just afraid of large ones. However, I got a surprise Wednesday when one of the owners showed up to take of his own horse. I forgot Alice didn't own all the horses she kept in the stables.

Jacob was from the Reservation which was weird; couldn't he keep his horse there? At first I thought Alice sent Jacob to check up on me and offer help but when I talked to her that night, she said she wouldn't do that and she felt bad for forgetting to warn me that the owners would come by on occasion. Jacob was nice; he sensed my apprehension with the horses and helped me out. I didn't decline since I didn't want to screw anything up. We talked about the basics, the typical questions you'd ask when you first meet someone, and said his horses name was Aro, yeah, like arrowhead I guess. As we worked together I began to feel more comfortable and relaxed.

Coming off the trail I immediately noticed Edward's car in the drive. He hadn't worked late at all this week, came home at his normal hour, but hadn't been home early in a long time. I started to think maybe his car detailers alerted him to the scratch I put in the passenger side door.

I took a deep breath before I slowly opened the screen door, then the hard door. I expected Edward to be working out in the shed and not sitting in the middle of the stairs, looking like he was ready to murder me.

In one lithe movement he was off the stairs and dragging me into the kitchen tossing me down into a seat at the table. And what had become commonplace these days, a plate full of food. I wondered how long we were going to play this game of his.

"Are you thirsty Bella?"

I turned away from him to look out the window, shaking my head.

He took a seat in his usual place and set something on the table, "You seem pretty thirsty to me," I turned to look at him.

There on the table between us was my only comfort, my _southern comfort. _Who knew hiding it under the bed wasn't enough. What was he even doing in my room. I would 5 or 6 swigs throughout a given day, I didn't get wasted or anything. Enough to keep my mind from what I didn't want to think about anymore. On the bad days I took extra just to mellow me out. I usually took late naps because it made me lazy.

"Honestly, what the fuck do you think you're doing huh? We're not alcoholics _Bella_."

"You drink." I hadn't seen him drink since that morning at the apartment.

"On _occasion._ Not at the slightest provocation, God."

I couldn't take the embarrassment and shame I felt from him finding it, like I was some troublesome teenager. I got up abruptly to make a mad dash for my room, but of course he's quicker, always quicker.

Edward grabbed my arms and pulled my back to his chest. I struggled and kicked trying to get lose. I knew I didn't stand a chance but fought anyway. I swore I'd never hit him again, so struggling was all I had.

"EDWARD! LET ME GO NOW!"

He had all the strength, so after a minute of trying to get free he wrestled me to the floor.

He was panting, I was panting. I was under him and he was on top of me, his hands were around my wrists and on either side of my head. I tried twisting them but he was holding me so tight they didn't move. His face was in mine.

"You can fight all you want, but you're not getting up until you eat your fucking dinner."

He was straddling my waist just above my hips, so that when I tried to knee him in the back it did nothing to him. He pulled my hands down to my sides, putting them between my hip and his knees on each side trapping them. I was completely defenseless. Edward blindly reached for the plate on the table and set it on the floor next to us.

He dug his fingers into the pile of mashed potatoes and brought it to my clenched mouth.

"Open your mouth," he growled.

I turned my head to the side, clamping my teeth together and pursing my lips tight. Edward used his free hand to grab my chin and pull my face back towards him.

"I can _promise_ you _little girl,_ you won't like what I'll do if I have to force you."

I shook my head trying to make his grip loosen. He tried again to get me to eat those stupid potatoes. I made a sound that was practically a growl.

He got fed up, firmly holding my head and slowly pressed his thumb and pointer finger into my cheeks, until it hurt enough for me to separate my jaw. His fingers kept pressing until I couldn't close my mouth due to his fingers pressing the skin of my cheeks over the top of my teeth. He gave me a mouthful of potatoes, which I tried to push out with my tongue. I wasn't some invalid that needed to be fed.

He placed his hand over my mouth to the food from coming out, "_Swallow._ We both know you can."

Fuck you asshole. I couldn't say it, but I certainly could think it.

"Just eat it Bella! I talked to Emmet, he told me everything! I can't believe he was keeping this a secret."

I felt so betrayed by Emmet. I felt so ashamed and embarrassed the Edward knew. I felt disgusting. I decided that if I stopped fighting him, then we'd be finished a whole lot sooner. He gave me a few more bites which I ate.

"Thank you. See? It's not that hard. You're such a child."

That comment stopped me cold. I don't even think he realized what he had said. He moved his hand away to let me swallow but I had no intention of doing so.

I took a slight inhale of breath so I could get some pressure, spitting the potatoes in Edward's face.

He flinched just an inch and stared at me completely in shock and bewilderment.

He used the sleeve of his shirt to wipe his face, "_You're FUCKING disgusting," _

While he was momentarily stunned, I was able to get my hands free.

"What the fuck do you know about children Edward? It's not like _you_ have any."

His whole face and body became tense and livid, throwing the plate across kitchen, pounding his fist down onto the floor next to my head, making me flinch.

"And who's fault is that huh? God _damn_ you." He noticed my hands were free and grabbed them immediately pinning them to either side of my head again, squeezing them hard enough to make me hiss.

Edward spoke through gritted teeth, "Tell me _why_ you're doing this!"

He didn't get it, I wasn't doing any of this on purpose.

"I'm not! You are. You're doing this!"

He was. I had no control over him and his anger towards me. Nothing I did could change anything.

"Just tell me why you did it. How could you do that to me? _To us._"

I couldn't say anything, no matter what he believed, telling him would be a thousand times worse.

"I didn't. I didn't do it." I was on the verge of crying. I wanted so badly to just say it and be free.

"LIAR! WHY IS _EVERTHING_ SOME HUGE FUCKING SECRET WITH YOU HUH? Like the _car_… you didn't think I'd find out did you? I'm not blind God damn it."

"Like _you_ don't have secrets Edward!" I got up in his face, like he got up in mine, looking straight into his eyes. "I know about _your dirty little secret_ you're out late with _fucking_."

I shoved his shoulder, scrambled out of his hold and lunged to my feet making it half way up stairs when I heard his voice at entry way to the kitchen.

"Now all of a sudden you're _so_ concerned about what I do, who I see? Since when did you ever give a fuck about me? Was it when you had your legs wrapped around _Demetri_, maybe you can explain how that all works."

I wanted to laugh, just so I could cover up how badly I wanted to cry. His words stung and I deserved it. No matter how messed up I was then. I wasn't even thinking when I said it, but I wanted to hurt him back, so I thought of the most hideous thing I could say.

"Right," I scoffed. "And maybe you can explain what it's like to come home to another man's cum inside your _wife_."


	17. Chapter 17

**2/5/2011**

**How many of you love WATER FOR ELEPHANTS? (book was great, movie will be spectacular EEEEEEK!)**

**(add me to your author alert or follow me on twitter: **[at]StephStew1** for details). - I post teazers!**

**Review! love ya, talk to you soon! )**

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**Cheating Ways**

**EPOV**

A ripple of rage went through me. From the roots of my hair to my toes, I felt my whole body twitch in one fluid motion, really to attack her on instinct. But my upbringing taught me it wasn't allowed. So I had to fight it off, ignoring the sting in every muscle to not throttle her by the throat. Granted, I practically handed her a loaded gun when I brought up her affair with Demetri.

Bella immediately realized she took our mudslinging too far and slapped her hands over her mouth and rocked back a step on the staircase. Her eyes screamed horror and turned watery. But it was too late, the damage had been done. I didn't recognize this woman in front of me. This woman was not the woman I fell in love with so fast, not the woman I married, not the woman I made plans to start a family with; this violent, spiteful, withering woman was not Bella.

My shoulders slumped at the realization. My eyes dropped from her shocked face to the floor before walking out the front door. There was nothing to say to her, there was no winning. Raindrops started to fall on the windshield of the car when I got in. I took off for no place in particular. The more images that filled my head, the harder I beat the steering wheel and the faster I drove.

**(FB)**

I shut the door behind me and leaned against it pressing palms to my eyes. We lost a client to a bidding war. We never lose clients. Sure, our prices were above average, but that's paying for quality. Jazz and I were highly competitive when it came to our work. We believed that if you were good at something, never do it for free. So, any loss we had, usually hit us hard because it so rarely happened.

I decided to call it an early day at work so I could put this day behind me. I tossed my keys on the catchall table and thumbed through the mail in my hands. Apparently, Bella's schedule was so full that she couldn't squeeze in her one chore for the day. I threw a few glances towards the living room and listened for pots clanking or a faucet running in the kitchen. I didn't see Bella and all was silent in the kitchen. She was most likely sleeping.

"Bella."

It was a half, cold-hearted attempt at calling out to her, and said so lowly I didn't expect her to hear it. I could barely stomach thinking her name, let alone say it. I wanted to get a few things out of the way regarding how we both should move forward instead of having this tension that has been between us these past few months. I wasn't prepared to forgive her actions, and I was still incredible hurt but things couldn't continue like they have been. She was so desperate to make things right that she nearly raped me just to have a baby again.

I've been meaning to sit down and talk to her about the possibility of going to counseling. It was more for me than her; to maybe get some answers, or at least a sense of closure to what I had no control over losing.

I made a stop in the kitchen for a drink, to gear me up for talking with Bella. Took a seat on the couch and flipped on the news. I zoned out after a few minutes and decided it was now or never to talk to her. I went to set my drink on the coffee table when I noticed a wallet sitting there. I didn't remember taking mine out of my pocket, and I know I didn't forget it before leaving for work.

I grabbed it and opened it, the ID of the owner practically laughing at me. I felt my blood turn to thick mud in my veins. I felt cold and numb.

I wiped a hand over my mouth, unsure whether or not I was going to vomit. I slowly rose from the couch on complete autopilot and headed for the bedroom. The bed was still neatly made and the shower was running, but there was no explanation of the wallet. I didn't want to think in the direction of what this could mean.

She _hated _him. Loathed, despised, detested. Never seeing him again would be too soon for her. She had no reason to see him. His business with us and her was finished when he walked out on her.

I let the irrational thoughts subside, and started to try and rationalize. I knew he wasn't still here. She knows better than anyone that if he was to stand before me events of cataclysmic proportions would ensue. I knocked on the bathroom door.

I scared her when I spoke, she dropped something in the shower, "Bella are you almost finished?"

She answered back immediately, "Do you need the bathroom? I'm getting out now." Shutting off the shower.

I understood her jumpiness, I haven't spoken to her in a long while, besides a word here or there, and I was home early.

I made my way to my room, which was the guest room-slash-supposed to be nursery. My door was cracked open; certainly not the way I felt it this morning. I nudged the door open slowly. Unfortunately, my doubts and suspicions that I didn't want to acknowledge were confirmed. The bed sheets and pillows were in disarray and the toxic fumes of sweat and sex assaulted me. I fell back against the wall of the hallway facing my room. My mind was reeling and couldn't comprehend why she would go this far. Why, why, why…

Counseling and any hopes of repairing our relationship were gone. Divorce was not just a question anymore, it was imminent.

Bella stepped into the doorway of our bedroom and froze. Her face answered every question I had.

I shook my head and tossed the wallet I had in my hands at her feet.

My voice was hollow, "You have a phone call to make."

I turned away stumbling to the front door. I was about to murder a man.

I heard Bella's steps behind me but didn't give a shit what she was saying through her guilty tears.

"You're early. I didn't have time-"

I whipped around to face her, "TO FUCK HIM AGAIN! WHAT DIDN'T YOU HAVE TIME FOR?"

She shut up then. How dare she try to excuse herself.

**(Present)**

I had no intentions of coming here, but I ended up here anyway, no doubt subconsciously. As much as I wanted to fuck charlotte, I couldn't. I couldn't let Bella ruin me as a person. Couldn't let all the good examples of what good, honorable men do, that I learned from my father go to waste; to be honest, I didn't want to become those men, and certainly not Demetri. Couldn't fuck her cause it would contaminate my parent's name. We mostly sat in the car at talked. The rain from earlier turned into a thunderstorm, but I couldn't get home until the booze I drank wore off.

Yeah, Charlotte wanted me but, she knew I'd never give it to her. She caught on and each night that I returned we mainly just stuck to talking. It felt good to have someone to talk to. I didn't have to hide my feelings depending on who I talked to, no limit to what I could and couldn't say to whom.

I found someone that wouldn't try to pull me apart. Granted, it was only when I visited the bar that I would talk to her. I wasn't worried that she would take my shit to the press. Charlotte was a free spirit but certainly not wicked. I told her about what went down with me and Bella tonight, and she thought it would be best to try and talk to her before things started to fester

When I got home the storm had passed and was just a light sprinkle. It was really late and the downstairs was pitch black and the only light that was on was the upstairs hall light.

I stepped quietly up the stairs; Bella could think I was out fucking the neighborhood for all I cared. After how good I treated her in the past – before the fallouts, all this time she believed that I would mistreat her the way Demetri had or throw her away like he did.

The house was so quiet you could hear a pin drop and its echo. I thought even my breathing and pulse were blaring.

I heard a faint sniffle break the silence when I reached the top of the stairs, but it didn't come from where I thought it would have. Bella's bedroom door was closed but mine was open part way. I pushed it open carefully to reveal a sleeping Bella on my bed. Her body was curled into itself, as I got closer I saw the thinning tear tracks on her exposed cheek. It didn't occur to me until that moment why she was in my room in the first place.

It was raining when I left in a rage, and it turned into a thunderstorm when I was at the bar talking with charlotte. Bella's terrified of thunder. Even back at the apartment, when there was a storm she'd sneak into my room and press her back to me as close as she could get, all the while thinking she was being stealthy and I wasn't awake. But the truth is I was. I stayed awake because I knew she'd be afraid and even though I was livid, I wasn't heartless enough to turn her away. I felt her little body jump when the thunder boomed and then felt she tremor the rest of the time after.

In some ways, Bella was a childlike. And knowing that she was home by herself terrified upset me a bit. I shouldn't give a shit, I had every right and more to make her stand outside in that God damn storm but…

Bella being left alone was like locking a child who is terrified of the dark in a closet for a few hours.

I know it's not my fault, but still, I was responsible for her. Love, Honor and Protect were the things I agreed to when I married her; and even though she couldn't keep her vows, I could still keep mine…for the little time that remained. I also thought that maybe since that was her parent's old room, that she felt comfortable and safer in here, and didn't have anything to do with me.

I got down on my knees next to the bed. Bella sniffled again in her sleep. Her eyelashes were still wet and her left hand was clawing her phone for dear life. I kept my eyes on her sleeping face while I slowly dragged it away from her. When it was free my hand accidently brushed one of the buttons and lit up the screen. What glowed back at me and was highlighted in the contacts list was my own name.

She was going to…or at least wanted to call me. My phone never rang or beeped. Once again, she felt that I wouldn't be there for her. But how tonight went, and her hateful words…maybe I wouldn't have.

I didn't understand how we became this, why she would break us. I gently brushed a few strands of hair that were trapped in her drying tear tracks. Her face was serene, not exactly peaceful, but certainly a shade more content than when she was awake.

I can't remember the last time I saw a smile on her face, and I can't remember the last time I heard her laugh… a real laugh. I couldn't even remember either of those things for myself.

I looked at her one last time before getting up to sleep on the couch. My thumb was a whisper across her cheek.

"I'm sorry Bella."


	18. Chapter 18

**2/13/2011**

**Hi! :) Valentine's Day is tomorrow. I hope you guys eat good food and have a good time; even if it's a group of you and your girlfriends having dinner. **

**Ch. 19 will be the 'beginning of the end' for these two. It's not the last chapter, but it will be the catalyst for upcoming events. I hope you're ready. Having hope for them is healthy, so hope for the best. Lets see if this will be an HEA.**

**REVIEW when your done PLEASE!**

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**New Approach**

**BPOV**

I hadn't seen him since he walked out a few nights ago.

Ever since then, he's been working away furiously on the house with Emmet and his team. They would meet in the mornings, Edward and Emmet would go over what they had planned to work on for the day and then Edward would leave for work. Emmet didn't dare to talk me while his guys pounded and hammered all day. I'm sure he knew his ass was in deep shit with me.

Edward holed himself up in the shed sometimes, going over the blueprints with Emmet after he got back from work or even just Edward himself. He never saw me, but I could see him hunched over his work table from the upstairs window, making little notes.

They were pretty much done with the exterior; they finished painting the outside this afternoon. I overheard Edward talking to Em on his cell last night; they were making plans for redoing the floors, kitchen and possibly the bathroom.

I never should've said it; something so fucking hurtful just because I was mad Emmet ratted me out and Edward threw Demetri in my face. I wanted to hurt something to make it feel like I did, and the closest thing to me was Edward.

He was innocent in all of this. There was nothing to blame him for. I was taking him down with me because I didn't want to drown alone…because I'm so fucking selfish.

He never forced me to eat again, didn't make me sit there until he got fed up. He stopped everything altogether.

I sought shelter in his room after the storm turned violent that night. The windows panes were rattling and I could feel the vibrations of thunder through the floor boards. I hated that room because my parent's rarely let me sleep in their bed when I was a scared young kid, but I love it because right now all I could smell was Edward.

I was a button away from calling him, to say how sorry I was, to beg him to come back, tell him I was scared. But I was more afraid of him not answering…or rejecting my plea.

Cheating on Edward was something that I'd never thought I'd do. How I ended up with Demetri at the apartment was a blur. I remember going for a walk, so I wouldn't feel so alone. Being with strangers was better than rotting alone. Then out of nowhere I see Demetri's smiling face. In that moment anything previous between he and I was gone and I could only focus on how happy he was to see me, how happy _anyone_ was to see me.

And…and then… I don't know.

We were on the couch together. "I know you were mad for leaving but…I certainly don't remember you being so _unhappy_."

I felt such relief at his words because he understood, he could _see_. I recall crawling over to him, taking his wallet out along with his phone, placing kisses on his cheek in thanks for understanding me. But it tumbled and escalated and the first door he opened was the guest bedroom; Edward's room, the undecorated nursery.

If felt so good to be kissed, to feel wanted, to not feel like a fucking idiot for being rejected by your husband. Demetri wasn't rejecting me and I jumped at it.

Demetri was the first person I'd ever slept with, he was a vigorous lover that had a fetish for dirty talk. Everything was 'oh fuck', 'fucking shit', 'fuck baby.' I didn't know then- back when we were together- that I could have better, so much better.

Edward was the better I didn't know about. He was passionate and craved the sensual, and 'quick fucks' didn't exist. He didn't call me his _nasty girl_, instead he told me how beautiful I was, how good my skin and lips felt to him, and how I made him feel. He never cussed when we were together like that, so intimate.

That first night with Edward was a revelation; I never knew it could be like that. But I was burned by Demetri and wouldn't allow myself to submit myself into another relationship, no one could be trusted.

The last few nights I've been sneaking into the kitchen late, long after Edward went to bed. I didn't think he'd want to see me so soon. The light from the stove cast a yellow glow around the kitchen, giving it a warming effect on the atmosphere. It reflected off the place setting that was sitting empty on the table. Plate, glass, knife, fork, folded napkin all at my waiting patiently for me.

Edward set them out every night at dinner, even though I never showed until hours after, and he left a note on the fridge detailing the night's menu.

One night: _Chicken fajitas with bell peppers_

Another night: _Steak with mashed potatoes and asparagus_

Tonight: _Lasagna_

Everything he made was good, he lived on his own before he met me, and it was no surprise that he could cook. I was trying to be good and eat like he wanted me to, but I wanted to make sure I could do it on my own first before trying in front of him. I wanted to do better, be better. I wanted to apologize, so many times but didn't know how to begin. Where would I even start?

Once I had my dinner plated ready and reheated I sat down at the empty table. As I sat there I decided that I would make an attempt for Edward's sake. And that if all went well, maybe be able to finally tell Edward. He wouldn't like it no matter how or who told him, but I knew for damn sure it was going to be me. The band-aid needed to be ripped off, to expose the poorly patched up, unhealed wound.

… … … … … … … … … … … … … … …**. … … … … … …**

I leaned as far forward over the railing as I could without falling over. I wasn't sure if he was still sitting there or if he moved. I could only see half of a kitchen chair at the end of the table closest to the entry way. I wasn't going to hide from him anymore and crept down the stairs; if he was still there then so be it. I was done tip-toeing around him. I wanted him to react instead of just pretend nothing happened, to say anything instead of being silent.

I could hear dishes clanking quietly and his shoes squeak against the tile as I got closer. I didn't allow myself a moment to prepare and took a large step into the kitchen, striding over to my seat at the table deliberately avoiding Edward. A full minute passed before there was any sound or movement, and the silence was breaking my will.

Edward walked over slowly, eyeing me like I was a ghost. I hunched my shoulders, feeling exposed and out of place. I busied myself with softly tapping my glass, placing fake interest in it. He set down his full plate and took mine away. My chest tightened at the act, I didn't want him to take my plate away, I wanted to eat dinner, I wanted to eat with him, show him that I was trying.

I kept my finger tapping the glass trying to distract myself from crying and tried to think of a way of getting back to my room that didn't involve me sprinting, like he hadn't completely shut me down.

I was about to scoot my chair back to get up when Edward set a full plate chicken and dumplings down in front of me. My eyes immediately went to his face but he wasn't looking at me. Instead he was focused on taking his seat next to me and reaching for the carton of milk that was at the center of the table, filling his glass.

Just before setting the carton down again he reached across and poured some for me as well. I looked at him and gave what I thought was a smile but Edward never looked at me. Edward dug into his plate and acted as if all was right with the world, eating in contented silence.

I picked up my fork and began spreading out the steaming chicken and dumplings on my plate to cool faster. A few more minutes passed, the clinking sound of forks was the only conversation. Edward was nearly finished by the time I took my first bite, which I could've sworn I saw Edward's eyes flicker to me as I did so.

The atmosphere seemed to shift and began to feel comfortable and less stiff. I felt that I had to be the first to break the silence because I knew Edward never would.

"It's good," I said barely above a whisper and poked at a piece of chicken with my fork, peaking my eyes at his face.

Edward calmly wiped his mouth with his napkin as he scooted his chair back and cleared his throat, "Yeah."

He gathered his plate, fork, glass and napkin, walking them to the sink to rinse them and disposing the napkin in the trash. His attitude and demeanor didn't show any angry or hostility. I watched as Edward made his way to the kitchen door leading to the backyard; no doubt heading for the shed.

"I'll take care of the dishes when I come back inside."

I didn't want him to be out there again. I wanted him in here so we could talk, but my voice was too slow and it was canceled out by the back door shutting.

"Edward."

I watched his back through the glass panes of the door as he dropped lower off the back step and grew fainter into the night of the backyard.

… … … … … …**. … … … … …. … … … …. … …. … … …. …. …. **

Alice and Rose were hanging out with me for the afternoon, at Alice's request. A girl's day I guess. It's been so long that I've been with anyone just to have fun.

"I'm sorry about the horses Alice. I know you loved having them." I cracked another egg.

Alice gave a small huff and grimaced, "Don't remind Bella." She went back to stirring the brownie batter.

Apparently Alice's trip to Texas was to make arrangements for their horses to stay with Jazz's family. The owners of the other horses, along with Jacob, finished moving out yesterday. I didn't really understand their decision but Alice said it had to be done. She was getting a lot more clients; which made it harder for her to balance crafting full wardrobes for her growing client list and care for the horses.

Alice felt too sad to be at her house, so showed up and mine and suggested we call Rose too. And apparently when Alice is down, she bakes…_a lot._

"I'm not going to be able to fit into that beautiful dress you made me if you keep making all these treats. I have to eat the ones that are cooled just to make space for the new ones!" I laughed.

"Oh please Bella. The only adjustments I could make is to the length of the skirt when you try it on with your heels."

Rose came back around the corner then, back from using the down stairs half-bathroom, plopped down in a chair and shoved a cookie in her mouth.

"Honestly Alice how aren't you puking your guts out at the sight of that?" she pointed to the bowl Alice was mixing. Alice bristled for a second, her stirring slowed but then immediately resumed to normal, ignoring Rose's question.

"Rose, you better stop eating like a _pig_, alterations can only go far before having to make the whole damn dress in the next size up."

Rosalie laughed out loud, "Like you should talk, you're the one making them. You'll have to alter my dress regardless of how much I eat anyway."

Alice whipped around to face her completely, "You think because the horses are gone that I'm open to dilly-dally all day on your dress? I'm not! I work too you know."

Rose and I were motionless at Alice's outburst. Alice didn't wait for a response; given that her comment was rhetorical and stormed off into the living room to flop on the couch.

I made an attempt to bring Alice back, "Alice-" but was cut off by Rose.

"Just give her a minute to cool off." She patted the table space next to her and I answered her request to join her.

Rose held out her cookie to me, and I smirked because I knew she was testing me. I learned forward and took a bite while she held it, "She's so bummed, I wish there was something we could do."

Rose waved her hand, "Give her a minute, she'll be alright. It's not like their gone; they're just not as close to her now."

I nodded my head, but I still felt bad for Alice. It's hard to lose something you're close to.

"The house looks great. I didn't get to see it before, but I can tell a lot went on."

"Yeah, Emmet and Edward have been working together pretty _closely_." They're practically dating. Rose gave me a sympathetic look.

"I'm sorry about Emmet. You _know_ he did it because he loves you."

Apparently secrets were crawling out of the woodwork into the open more and more these days. It didn't matter now, I'm past it. It wasn't so much of a mental problem as it was a need to have a say in what went on. But I'm starting to remedy that by making the necessary changes.

"Don't do him any favors by apologizing for him. It wasn't his place to open his mouth." I grabbed another cookie and broke it in half.

"I have to apologize, it's _Emmet_."

Rose's voice became much softer, "How are you and Edward?"

I kept my eyes on my cookie and shook my head, "He's fine…when I'm not around. He doesn't talk to me."

I kept up my mission to eat dinner with him each night, but didn't get far with the conversation portion. I knew that I needed to be a little more forceful. I understood his reluctance to talk to me right away; who knows what horrific thing would come flying out of my mouth. It was mostly one worded answers to anything I said.

"_This stir-fry is really good." I liked eating Edward's dinners better than mine._

"_Thank you."_

"_How was work?"_

"_Fine."_

"_Anything new happen today?"_

"_No."_

_When he finished, I took a chance, "I can clean up."_

"_That's okay."_

"_Are you going out back tonight?"_

"…_yeah."_

"_Edward…" I wanted to talk._

_He sighed, "Bella…don't." He closed the back door behind him._

His tone wasn't annoyed or angry. He needed time, I understood.

"Bella stop it, that's not true and you know it. Even if he's not exactly talking to you, all you need is to sit him down and _talk to him_."

"I wish there was a better way to tell him, but no matter what I do it ends the same. He'll be devastated."

"Bella, whatever his reaction…that's his right as a father who lost his child. Maybe you shouldn't try to control it and just let it happen."

"I'm-"

Alice interrupted then, her voice carried in from the living room, "I want my horses back…"

She sounded so pathetic and sulky. Rose grabbed a tray of cookies that was closest to her and I grabbed some banana-nut bread that was closest to me. If we were going to pout, were we going to do it together and with tons of sweets to soothe Alice's misery.

… … … … … …**. … … … ….. ….. … …. … ….. ….. ….. **

Today Emmet and his team remodeled the kitchen, which left me with Alice doing the finally fitting on my dress and using her kitchen to make dinner for Edward and I that I boxed up in plastic containers.

Alice looked at me with a gleam in her eye, "Hey, you know what we haven't done in awhile?"

I shifted my eyes to her skeptically, "What?"

"We should surprise the guys with lunch at the office!" She clapped her hands merrily.

"Uh, no we shouldn't…" See, I knew I should be afraid.

She grabbed two more plastic containers and started dishing Chili into them. "C'mon, _please_. We used to visit them all the time."

"We really shouldn't bother them. They're working; we'll just be in the way."

Alice wrapped up two giant hunks of cornbread in foil and glowered at me, "They're the bosses, and as the boss's wives _we_ control _them_. Let's go!"

And that is how I ended up talking with Nina and Alice at the office for a few minutes. Luckily, Nina didn't make a spectacle that I showed up after disappearing after so many months. Alice leapt into Jazz's office and left me just outside Edward's door, terrified out of my mind at what he would think of me being here. This building and his office was where everything all began. But, I realized that this was another opportunity for me to try and reconcile as much as I could for Edward's sake. Knowing that calmed my nerves slightly.

I knocked twice softly before poking my head in and around the door. Edward was going through numerous pages that were spread out on his desk; he was so concentrated that he didn't hear me knock. I stepped fully through the door with his chili, cornbread and spoon in hand and closed it, which caught his attention and made him look up. This was definitely a surprise to him, maybe even shock.

"Bella? What are you- … How did you get here?" He started cleaning up the mess of papers and stacked them neatly, putting them off to the side.

I took a few tentative steps forward to the front of his desk holding up his container of lunch, "Alice wanted to bring Jazz lunch, she drove…"

He nodded to the items in my hands, "What do you have?"

I was confused for a second before I realized he meant the chili, "Oh! This is yours," I set it down in front of him. "We made chili and cornbread. Alice thought you guys would appreciate it."

Edward popped open the lid and inhaled, "This smells great."

"Yeah, Alice can make all kinds of stuff." I leaned against his desk, feeling a little more comfortable.

Edward looked up at me, "I thought you said _we_; that you and Alice made it?"

"Right, well, I helped her, I didn't really contribute that much." I slowly inched my way onto the corner of his desk, making a seat for myself. I eyed his stacks of files and post-its that littered his computer screen.

"You're swamped."

Edward took in the mess on his desk, "Well, my _dirty little secret_ is a harsh mistress. Sometimes I have to stay late to keep on top of her."

Accusations I never should have made about him came at me full force.

"I _really_ need to talk to you about-" I was cut off my Nina's voice on his intercom.

"Mr. Cullen, line 3 is for you."

He immediately buzzer back but kept his eyes on me as I retreated toward the door, "Tell them to hold for a minute please."

Edward ran his hands down his face, "Bella, I- thank you for lunch."

I nodded quickly and left.

… … … …**. …. …. …. …. …. …. …. …. …. …. … …. .. … …. … **

Balancing a plate, a glass full of milk and silverware is really tricky. I've never been happier that Edward liked to leave the shed door open while he was in there. I could practically kiss the man.

Tonight, Edward fell asleep at his work table with his pencil drooped in his hand and half his face resting on his other arm. He was going to work in there until I got dinner together, but when everything was set, Edward didn't turn up. When I went to investigate, I walked into the shed calling his name but found the idiot slumped over and passed out.

I wanted to bring his plate to him so he could eat while he worked. It was only 6:30 at night; he wouldn't go to bed this early no matter how tired he was. I set the plate and accessories on a small table across from where he was so I could wake him.

I started with step: 1, saying his name but it was so quiet the air around me didn't even pick it up. The only thing that could be heard besides Edward's deep, heavy breathing was a moth that was bouncing off of the single dangling light bulb being supported by a beam.

"Edward…"

There was a lot of trepidation behind what I was attempting. I leaned in closer to his ear and said it again a little louder.

"ED-ward…"

I noticed a small twitch in his brow that time. My eyes went from his brow to his eyelids and then his eyelashes; and slowly dragged to his slightly parted lips. His whole face looked so soft and gently, nothing could harm him like this. His slightly fluffy hair added to the little boy charm he was exuding.

Slowly, I laid my hand on his shoulder blade, lightly rubbing up and down to ease him awake.

"Edwaaard…" It was soft and sing-songy and continued rubbing his back. My eyes were locked on his sleeping face. His eyelids flickered and he let out a low hum in response which caused me to smile. I was enjoying the game that this was becoming. My hand paused on his back and slid its way to the nape of his neck, playing with the small hairs there.

I leaned against the table, my upper body being supported by my elbow as my fingers gently stroked and my eyes roamed his features, I spoke quietly to him, finally having a chance to open up.

"I'd tell you the truth if I knew you wouldn't hate me after... I want to know you'd understand what I did…that it was for you." My hand cradled the side of his face carefully, and gave a few light strokes, while my pinky finger brushed over his hairline. My throat started to tighten at the memory of happier times.

"You were never given the chance to make sense out of it…to have closure. Instead, my selfishness kept you in the dark and I wish I could tell you..."

Edward began to stir and I immediately jumped back, dropping my hand. He inhaled deeply and rubbed at his eyes.

"Tell me what?" I could tell in the way he asked that he was confused about whatever it was that he heard.

"Tell you dinners ready." I grabbed his plate and glass and placed them next to his blueprints.

His face into the palms of his hands and sighed, "Sorry, I didn't mean to fall asleep. How long was I out?"

I watched as Edward started to roll up the blue prints, "Not long. What- what were you working on?"

He paused for a moment, "Nothing really, just giving everything a final look."

"Oh. " I didn't want him to shut me out again, and I was by no means done trying with him, "The kitchen came out great."

"Yeah, it did."

"Edward, can we-" I didn't get to finish when Edward interrupted.

"Bella, I know you want to talk about what happened that night but… It's not necessary."

I closed my eyes in frustration and rubbed my temples, "Edward I don't want to just ignore what happened. In fact, I want to talk about it and I want you to see that I've been really _trying_!"

Edward let out a deep sigh, "I know. I _know_ you've been trying… and I really appreciate it Bella, but… it's just too much all at once."

I was so fucking confused. "I don't understand. What is it you want me to do exactly?"

Edward shook his head, "Nothing." He paused for a moment to think before he spoke again. "I've realized…there is no going back. So…let's take it a day at a time, and we'll figure out what to do from there."

I realized it took Edward a lot to admit how he felt to me. And that by doing just that, he was trying too; and it wasn't one sided anymore. He said we'd figure it out 'together'. Now that I thought about it, I was pushing Edward into something he wasn't quite ready for. I understood his reluctance, but my patience was wearing thin. What I wanted to tell him had to be said whether he was ready or not.

Because honestly, there was no preparing for what was to come.

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**Twitter: (at) StephStew1**

**I post teasers of upcoming ch's and it's the only place to hear the last news on my new story.**

**Hope you like guns and bullet-proof vests ; )**

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	19. Chapter 19

**3/1/2011**

**Here it is ch. 19!**

**CH. 20 IS THE BIG ONE! YOU FINALLY FIND OUT. I wrote it in Oct lol**

**I wanted to clear a part of this story up: When B&E lived in the apartment in Seattle.**

**Originally E moved to the guest bedroom after B tried to seduce E into having another baby. Then B moved into the guestroom when she cheated on E with Demetri because, there's no way in hell E is going to sleep in the same bed his wife cheated on him in. However, in ch. 1 B&E are both in the same bed because that is after B had her bathtub stint, and he doesn't trust her to be left alone.**

**I was surprised no one said anything about a 'moody Alice' or 'hungry Rose' last chapter, hmm... ****If there's any questions about this chapter please ask! I don't bite, honest :)**

_Songs for B&E at Gala:_

_"Hey Lady" by Thriving Ivory_

_"Secret Life" by Thriving Ivory_

_Google 'POM WONDERFUL ADS' to see the ones mentioned in this chapter. Look for a woman with a snake and a man as a sexy gladiator._

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* * *

**Missed signs**

**BPOV**

"_Ugh, Edwaard!"_

"Hold…on!" Sweat was dripping off his face and teeth were gritted, he was grunting alot.

I was sweaty and panting. I really couldn't hold out any more for him.

"Oh god, can you go faster?"

Edward pulled forward more.

"That's it!" I breathed, "Right there."

"There?" Edward panted. "You want it right there?"

"Uh huh."

"Shit," he grunted.

"Keep going. Don't. Stop."

I felt him shift and actually moved to where I needed him to be; which made it _so_ much better. We were pure sweating, panting and grunting.

"Oh yes! Yes, that's it! Keep going. Left, left…now down!"

"_Ugh! _Damn it Bella _push..."_

"I can't! You're killing my knees! I have all _your_ weight!"

Honest to God, my knees were about to snap, along with my arms. We were getting nowhere.

"_You do not!_ Just give it…all you got. I'll go fast…I swear!" More teeth gritting, more sweat falling.

I found the inner strength to power through, ignoring my crying knees and arms. With one final heave on my end, we final finished. Edward threw himself face down into the brand new fluffy couch cushions with a relieved, grunted sigh. His arms; one hanging over the back of the couch, and the other hung off the ledge of a cushion with his hand touching the wood floor. His legs; one draped over the arm, and of course the other was stretched out across the floor in front of the couch.

Damn jerk didn't even leave a spot for me to sit. Like he got this damn thing in here all by himself. With an annoyed raised eyebrow, hands on my hips and sweat dripping down the valley between my breasts, I heaved myself on top of Edward. Which, he made an overly dramatic sound, like my weight was killing him. _Good_. I smiled at the ceiling.

We were back to back, ass to ass. My head was resting against the back of his sweaty shoulder and my legs mimicked his own, but face up.

Edward spoke into the cushions, muffled words, "You had to get the solid wood frame."

I rolled my eyes, "Don't even start. You agreed with me that this was _the_ one."

We decided, yes, I said _we_, that instead of furnishing the house all at once, we were going to buy furniture after each room was repainted and the floors were sanded and redone as well. So, today we moved in the new pieces of furniture in for the living room. The couch was the last piece for the whole downstairs.

The upstairs was nearly done too. Edward was going to do the painting, and after it was dry, recruit Emmet to haul furniture up the stairs. That was next on the list but…not today.

As I lay there on top of Edward, I admired the finished living room. I was given full reign of paint colors and Edward came with me each time we chose furniture to give his vote. The walls were a whipped lemon which contrasted beautifully with the dark cherry wood floor. A glass coffee table and an indigo rug underneath were the focal point. The off white couch set with two love seats added crispness and emitted a light summer feel.

It made me wonder if Emmet always worked this hard on every house, or if he was only doing it as a sign of forgiveness for feeding me to Edward.

Speaking of us, we've both been trying. It's been a few weeks since our conversation in the shed; and it took a few more days for Edward to fully come around and be more open to the idea. It was slow and still is at times, a stop and go climb, and we were managing. There were times when I pushed him a little too much and made him retreat back some; which in return, taught me to take it down a notch.

We were rebuilding.

However, all of this, no matter what steps we took to find a balance with each other wasn't going to stop me from the inevitable. I was hoping that the progress we made with each other would help in that regard. I naively prayed that it would lessen the blow somehow, which of course it wouldn't.

But for now; like today… we were taking it day by day.

Edward's upper body muscle's tightened as he lifted his head back and away from the cushions with a groan.

"Alright…up."

My body was raised some when he rose up, but other than that I turned into a limp noodle at his words. I was not moving.

"No."

His shoulders flattened back down and his face fell into the fluffy cushions again, "Ugh."

He's _so_ dramatic. I snickered because I got my way. Edward's hand rose up and pinched my side which made me squeak. I slapped his hand away; he dropped it back down to the glossy wood floor. I felt his back rumble underneath mine, laughing no doubt.

It was four in the afternoon, I was hot, sweaty and sore from moving furniture, and there was no way in hell I was getting up.

After a little bit Edward's breathing turned into a steady pattern, I carefully rolled over onto my stomach, still spread across Edward's back. I could see his face and closed eyes, mouth wide open. If there was a drool stain on my new couch, murder was on the horizon for this man.

I lightly scratched my fingers slowly through his hair and rested my cheek on his shoulder. The setting sun doused Edward and I and the whole living room in pink and orange.

I'll never understand why strong, capable men fall asleep after the slightest physical task.

After a minute or two, I kissed his shoulder and slinked off a snoring Edward. As one finds in nature, men, after any physical exertion, and followed by a nap, they're hungry.

… … … … … … … …. …. …. ….. ….. ….. …. …

I've been bringing Edward lunch more and more. Alice had to take me of course, which meant Jazz was getting a lot of lunch too. After the first forced attempt by Alice, I wasn't sure it was the greatest move. But then his reaction wasn't repulsed or offended either; so it gave me a glimmer of hope.

I sat on Edward's desk again, my shoes were slipped off and my feet were planted on the empty space of his desk chair between his legs as he ate his lunch, lounging back in his seat in front of me. I never did ask him what happened to the guest chairs he used to have in here; but no matter, I rather liked sitting on his desk.

Edward got done showing me an ad he finished working on. It was for pomegranate juice. He spent his whole morning looking at a naked woman with a damn python crawling on her, holding a bottle of said juice. He always prints the final copy of any piece he does.

I tossed the 8 X 10 image down behind me and gave him a gross look.

"You've practically been looking at porn all morning."

He furrowed his eyebrows in defense, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand and pointing behind me, "Ah, I see, because it's a naked woman it's automatically porn?"

"No. It becomes _porn_ when a man is checking out a woman on his computer all day."

"Bella, don't try to make something out of nothing."

"What, I'm not. It's fine. I don't care if you look at her… whatever."

Edward rolled his eyes and kept eating his lunch. I get that it's his job to look at, and correct the ads he is sent but it never really dawned on me that practically naked women were in the mix. Something about it ruffled my feathers. It made me feel …annoyed.

"Jealous."

My eyes snapped up to his, "What?"'

Edward sat forward in his chair; eyes squinted, lips smiling, and finger pointing at me, "You're jealous."

I laughed, "No I'm not." I laughed because I would've agreed with him otherwise.

"Don't lie to me, admit it."

I gave him a look that said to knock it off, and even though I knew he was joking, I felt defensive.

His hand crept forward toward the picture in question, which I quickly pushed father back onto his desk. He knew damn well what she looked like; as did I, we didn't need to see the damn thing again.

Edward put his finished lunch off to the side. He put his hands up in surrender, lips pursed and eyebrows at his hairline, suggesting he wasn't going to touch the issue anymore.

"Have you chosen a color yet?"

"Yeah, kinda. But I still don't understand why you can't pick it out yourself. It's _your_ room."

"Because I said you could pick the paint colors for the house and consequently, my room is part of that. So just," Edward waved his hand, "go with whatever makes you feel comfortable."

"Lilac!"

"WHAT, _NO_!" Edward's eyes were saucers, it was comical.

"Why!"

Edward looked at me with huge eyes like I was crazy, "You're really asking me why I don't want my room _lilac?_"

"You said I could choose. Lilac makes me comfortable."

"Could you be kind about it? What self-respecting man allows a lilac bedroom. Paint your room that if you like it that much."

I was one part disappointed and one part angry. He said I could pick the colors and now he's vetoing my decision. I thought we had a deal; a _partnership_. So, I did what I do best, threw a mini pity-pout party.

I shoved his chair back a few inches with my foot, "Fine, sorry I tried to contribute."

"Bella…" He groans my name because he knows I'm being stupid for letting this upset me. But he shouldn't say something then take it back.

We sat in silence for a few minutes. I was on his desk still with arms crossed, head turned away from him. He's still sitting in his chair but he has his finger rubbing the wrinkles in his forehead.

Edward rolls his chair forward some, making my legs scrunch, and bend my knees up a little.

In my peripheral vision I can see him looking at me and when I don't acknowledge him, rolls his eyes. Another half a minute of silence passes and he breaks.

"There's a male version too…"

And I'm a sucker, so I bite.

I look at him. "What?"

He nods his head and points behind me, his eyes are on his desk. I turn and look, I don't have to say anything. My eyes go wide and my eyebrows hit my hairline. Before anything else can be said or done I'm lunging for his computer, not caring that I knocked off a file of papers from his desk just to reach the mouse before he does. I know Edward predicted my moves and lunged too, but only to hinder me.

"Show me! Edward I _have_ to see it!" I'm laughing and smiling, warring with him over the mouse. He's funny because he thinks sharing this information will clear him of the paint veto he enacted.

Edward's arm is wrapped around my leg- pulling me away, trying to counteract the leverage I'm using to push him away in his chair from the desk with my feet. And yeah, I realize I could easily level him with one swift heel to the crotch, but that's just mean and I'm enjoying this. His other arm is fighting me.

"Oh my God Bella, really? Over a picture?" There's laughter in his tone and smiling.

I smack his hand away and win the mouse, he's still swiping his hand trying to grab it but I have it just out of reach. He got closer and his face was trying to block the screen so I can't see anything. I used my free hand and push his face away, laughing even more because it's really hard to do.

I looked away from the screen and stop trying to click all the files I can just to find what I want. His eyes are looking through the spaces between my fingers and my palm is over his mouth. I mashed my hand harder into his face and he backed up a little, but he plays dirty and licks my hand.

I retract it quickly squealing, "Edward sick!"

Edward is practically wedged under my arm, trying to knock me out of the way, but it's too late and I find the picture. I can't believe how erotic the picture is. It's a half clad gladiator in the middle of desert dunes, wearing a cape and holding a bottle of juice.

Edward slumps back in his chair, "Here we go…"

"_Oh, Edward!_ I can't believe you've been keeping this from me!"

My face couldn't get close enough to the screen. The gladiator had pecs and abs of steel that needed to be licked.

Edward tugged on my shoulder, "Okay, back up a _little. _You'll go blind being so close."

"No way Edward, you know how much I love gladiators."

Jokingly I make a suggestion as well, "Can we get some pomegranate juice?"

Edward's face shows that he's not amused but I know he's not bothered by it, "Wow, that fast huh? Advertisement really does work."

"Jeez, those abs cannot be real…"

"Okay, Bella enough. I don't need to have my wife's voice running through my head about Mr. No-Names body the rest of the day while I'm working on the damn thing."

I look back at him a bit surprised. He hasn't called me his wife without an edge in his tone in awhile.

"My voice is going to be in your head all day? In that case…"

I put on my best pouty face and pull his chair closer with my feet. I take a deep breath and try to work my magic.

"Please let me paint the room lilac. Please let me paint the room lilac. Please let me paint the room lilaaac!"

Let's hope that sticks in his mind all day as well. Edward busts out laughing at my pathetic attempt. I guess I picked up a few drama lessons from him.

"Nice try, but no."

I was about to ask him why it mattered that we should both like the color, but we were interrupted by his intercom again.

"Mr. Cullen, just a reminder that you have a meeting in 15 minutes."

I sit straighter, "I should be going anyway."

I grab Edward's lunch container and slide off the desk. Edward walks me to his door, "Thanks for lunch."

We both automatically lean forward and our lips touch. "See you at home."

What occurred didn't hit either of us until we make eye contact, but Edward immediately looks at the floor after we do. And I know the door to his office is open and that Nina and Alice are looking at us, but I'm still in shock. Neither of us meant to do that. It was an old habit we had, and today it just popped up out of nowhere.

Edward speaks first, "Excuse me Bella."

I can tell he's just as confused but he's not appalled because he walks back to his desk, picking up the file I knocked over earlier. I turn and face Alice, who's fucking glowing at me.

… … …**. …. …. … …. …. …. …. ….. … ….. …. …. ….. …. … ….. …**

**The Gala.**

Everyone looked amazing. Alice did a fantastic job on our gowns and I think I might never take mine off.

It's silk and emerald green, completely backless except for two thin crossing straps at the shoulder blades, and a deep plunging 'V' just before it exposes my whole butt. The front has a smaller 'V' for the neckline and the design isn't skin tight, but has a slight flow.

I want to kill Alice for the suit she chose for Edward. He looks incredible. He also cut his hair. It's a lot shorter and has a slight crop. It makes him look younger, yet, more mature and handsome. I wonder how he'll survive without being able to run his hands through his hair and tug the shit out of it when he's in a mood.

Alice dropped everything off earlier and let us get ready. I do my own hair and make-up, even though Alice wanted to do it. Edward and I are the last to arrive and see everyone sitting at the assigned table for our group. I'm extremely nervous since this is my first time being at one of these. Edward takes my hand and places it at the crook of his elbow and gives me a reassuring smile.

"Don't be nervous. Relax and have fun, it's just dinner with friends and family."

Once we're all seated, drinks are ordered and talking begins. It's a competition with the other tables that are lively chattering and the band that's playing. Occasionally, Carlisle's colleagues will stop by and have a short conversation. Esme is over-joyed that everyone is in attendance and also can't stop gushing about Alice's gowns. Rose is in a canary yellow, while Alice is in a deep hot-pink.

I'm not mad at Emmet anymore, but I haven't had the chance to talk to him. I talk with Rose, and ask how her switch from night shifts to day shifts are going. She likes it a lot better now that she gets to have normal work hours.

The band starts to play a fun song and Emmet is the first one up at our table begging rose to dance. She shakes her head and continues sipping her water and listening to Alice's story. Unfortunately, Emmet's eyes lock on me and smiles wickedly. I look at Edward before Emmet reaches me and find that he's not going to save me because he's laughing like there's no tomorrow; most likely from the expression on my face.

"You and me girl, it's on!"

Out on the dance floor I'm so embarrassed I can't even dance. Emmet dances in a circle around me, biting his lip because he's that into it. I keep glancing at our table were everyone is smiling or laughing at us. Edward smiles and makes a shoo-ing hand motion that tells me just to suck it up and make Emmet's day. So, I roll my eyes, take a deep breath and make Emmet's day.

Emmet and I sit down when he notices waiters brining out appetizers.

I turn to Edward who still has a happy smile, "I'm beat. I don't think I can go another round." I gulp down my glass of water and noticed Edward pass me his glass as well, which I also chug down.

"What if I wanted to dance with you?"

I had no intentions of dancing tonight, let alone with Edward; not in a mean way, just, I didn't think he'd want to. I must've processed the question too long, because Edward shook his head dismissively and turned to talk to Carlisle.

While the main courses were served there were speeches and then checks being written to the various charities of the evening.

Just before dessert is served I excuse myself to the ladies room. As I exit the bathroom I see a group of ladies chatting away and admire their dresses as I pass them. There's a mirror just outside the entrance to the bathrooms and I paused to straighten my hair pins.

"Holy God, Bella is that you?"

I spun around immediately dropping my hands from my hair. My skin prickled all over, spreading to my scalp. He had a giant smile, standing a few feet away.

**EPOV**

I was happy and content all evening. Bella looked glorious and was having a good time. I've seen her smile more times tonight than she has all year.

Just the other night we sat and watched her favorite show 'Jeopardy' together. She hadn't done that in months either. She practically shut down. But now, she was starting to come around, a small part of her real self would flicker for just a moment. I sat on the left cushion with the armrest while she sat Indian-style on the middle cushion.

When she answered correctly she would bounce in her seat like a Jack-in-the-box and squeak in victory, and if she was wrong, she would tug at my sleeve or squeeze my arm, growling in frustration. And then, Lord help me, there was the final question which, win or lose she would dig her nails into my shoulder and rattle me deeper into the couch. I had to swat at her to save myself.

No, I was no were close to getting over the baby and her betrayal. Those aches would never leave my heart. But, the words that Jazz said to me a few months ago in the office finally hit me. He said that my angry wasn't helping or fixing anything, and he was right. I knew that Bella was doing things here and there and trying to correct it on her own but I didn't want to acknowledge it. When she snapped at me in the shed, that's when I knew that I couldn't ignore it anymore. She was confused about what to do because I was giving no direction of what I wanted. So, it took me a bit but I became open to trying to work whatever it was that we were doing together out.

Bella's dress was backless, completely open, and damn if I didn't want to drag a finger down her spine. I wanted to put my hand at the small of her back but thought it'd be safer if I escorted her with her hand on my arm.

She was all smiles and giggles dancing with Emmet, she actually managed to have a conversation with each member at the table; they may have been short but that was monumental compared to what conversations with Bella were like before.

I nearly died when she walked away to use the ladies room. Her green dress, the exposed skin, her hair, all were a lethal combination. My eyes stayed with her the whole time, I could see the entry way to the bathrooms from my chair even though we were on the other side of the ballroom.

Spotting her emerald dress as she exited the ladies room alerted me that she was on her way back. She still had a slight smile on her face when she stopped to fix her hair in the lobby mirror, but something made her jump and turn quickly making her dress swirl. I saw the color drain from her face and her smile fade. I couldn't see what was going on, there was a tall end table with a massive vase and flower arrangement blocking whatever it was Bella was seeing.

I rose and made my way toward her; I could see black shiny men's shoes that weren't being blocked by the decorative table and vase of flowers as I got closer; and Bella's lips moved minutely at various moments, she was talking to _someone_. When what made Bella go pale came into view I saw red.

The unmistakable spike of disloyalty and betrayal hit me full force as Demetri stood there talking with Bella. My eyes snapped back to Bella's face and saw that her eyes had found me as I headed straight towards her.

I craftily wrapped my arm around her waist, ignoring Demetri altogether as he spoke, "Edward! How've you been? I was just catching up with Bella."

I blankly stared at him, trying hard not to simply lay the motherfucker out here and now. Clearly, I knocked his brain loose from the first time because I couldn't believe he was acting so good naturedly after everything that had gone on between the three of us.

I pulled Bella's left hand up and out in the center of our little triangle, her fingers covered my knuckles just like I wanted them to so I could make my point.

"It's Mrs. _Cullen_ now, or did you forget," _while you fucked her._

Bella jerked her hand out of mine and looked away. I didn't care, my point was made to the fuck before me.

Demetri smiled wryly with his eyes scanning head to toe, "No. Pretty impossible to forget _anything_ about Bella."

My hand balled up into a fist and I took a domineering step forward, "Let's see how much you remember when I'm done with you. I will knock the shit out of you fucking prick."

Bella cut in between us, placing her hands on my chest and pushing me back, "Edward_, stop it._ The whole family's here._ "_ Her eyes were screaming at me.

Jazz approached us, "Is everything ok?"

I glanced at him quickly before nodding. Demetri took his cue to leave, "It was nice seeing you again Bella," he walked away without waiting for any response.

Bella dropped her hands from my chest and rubbed them down the sides of her face. I turned to Jazz, "We were just on our way back."

This time Jazz nodded and headed for the men's room. I motioned for Bella to walk in front of me as we walked back to our table. Dessert was served, softer music was being played and the light chatter was also becoming dimmer. Bella sat with hunched shoulders, elbows on the table, she was busy pushing around her dessert across her plate with her spoon; as her other hand was was kneading her forehead, simultaneously serving as a visor, blocking out her view of Alice, Rose and Emmet that sat to the left of her. Her expression was no longer torrid like it was in the lobby but more contemplative, and her brain was overworking itself.

She was so happy all night, and for her to revert back into how she used to be before killed me. We made such strides with each other. It was slow at times, but it was something. It was getting somewhere instead of floundering in nowhere. She looked so gorgeous tonight, too gorgeous to not be happy.

I reached over and carefully took Bella's wrist in mine. Her spoon dropped with a soft thump against the linen of the table, her eyes were surprised but I figured she wasn't expecting this. I slid my hand from her wrist to her encasing her fingers. I rose slowly from my seat and pulled her up with me.

"Come dance with me."

Bella looked perplexed, almost like she was waiting for me to tell her I was only joking, but I was being serious. The music was slow, so even if she was tired from dancing with Emmet earlier, she could manage at least one slow dance with me.

She followed expectantly, however, I knew it was only because she thought she owed me. In a way, yes and no; but who would've guessed that Demetri would be here tonight? Certainly not I, and I couldn't be upset with her about it, she had no idea either.

I could hear quiet 'aww's' from the family and surrounding tables as I escorted Bella to the dance floor.

She avoided eye contact at all costs; only looking over my shoulder at other couples dancing or at the floor. I glanced over at my family quickly; Emmet and Rose, along with Alice and Jazz were all taking my lead and heading to the dance floor. Esme was sitting in Carlisle's lap with his arms wrapped around her waist; both smiling encouragingly.

I held Bella's hand in mind giving it as squeeze just so she'd look at me. My other hand was on her back and her free hand took its place on my arm. Dancing was a little awkward at first, only because her body was so tense and rigid. She couldn't loosen up enough to sway with the music.

I pulled her a bit closer to me, "C'mon you're over-thinking it. This is easy…one two three, one two three." I took those steps and she stepped accordingly.

"There ya go. Good stuff right?" Bella lolled her head to her shoulder and rolled her eyes. I would take it, because it was better than nothing. She raised her head just a bit and her eye level went from over my shoulder to my chest, but she still didn't have her smile back.

"Bella…I'm not, _upset_ with you. There's not much we can do about it now, okay?"

She shook her head, her eyes darting left and right, "I didn't…" She exhaled shakily, "I mean, I didn't know he'd… Everything was fine before."

"What did he say to you?"

"He was surprised…to see me, nothing more. I didn't want to talk to him about anything. Just that I was here with you, I never…"

I didn't want to get into the topic her mind was stuck on, "Shh, Shh, what'd we talk about? One day at a time right? You're thinking about…_then_ and _that_ time…I want you to be in _this_ time, with me here."

She nodded, "I'm here."

I think what upset me most was all the progress we made was backed tracked just by one appearance of Demetri. Doing everything one day at a time was tricky and often frustrating.

"You look incredible tonight, truly. The dress, hair, shoes are all nice as well, but do you know what real show stopper is on you Bella?"

"Edward, don't…" Her eyes fleetingly made contact with mine.

"Your smile."

She shook her head and busied her eyes with watching the other dancing couples around us, but what caught my attention was the slow curling of her lips. There was no way I would let that go by unnoticed.

"That's cute, but not quite the one I was witness to all night."

"Stop Edward."

It was such an easy thing, and I wanted to see it again before the night ended.

My arm at her waist tightened and jostled her body, "What if I rattle it out of you hmm? Will I get a smile then?"

Her smile grew a bit and tried to hide it by looking away.

"Ah, I'm close. C'mon, " another shake, "where is it…it's in there somewhere."

My hand slide from her lower back to her side and tickled. I hit gold.

Bella smiled huge and laughed, leaning into my chest and squeezing my hand.

"Stop! Edward!"

I was beaming now. My hands went back to their original placing, ending her torture.

"There is it Bella, that's all I wanted to see again."

Bella finally _really_ looked up at me, all her turmoil from earlier was gone. As much as it hurt that we had a run in with Demetri, I didn't want it or anything else to hinder us. I don't know why she did what she did, and I may never know. I'm dying to ask, but right now we're just working on us and taking it one day at a time.

I paused our dancing, my eyes never leaving her, my hands carefully held each side of her face; her smile dropped some, understandably she was a little alarmed. I looked deep into her eyes, I need her to understand.

"Don't let what happened tonight set us back okay? We're doing good."

She swallowed thickly, dropping her eyes from mine and nodded. She needed more, something my words couldn't make her accept. I wrapped my arms around her and held tight. Her arms slowly crept up my sides. Sometimes, people just need a hug.

"We'll be alright again."

… …**. …. ….. …. ….. …. ….. ….. …**

We both took our coats off, hanging them on the coat rack. I took my phone, keys and wallet out to set them on the table by the door, Bella used it to lean on while she took off her heels and held them by their straps. Our eyes caught each others just as we finished simultaneously. A deviant flicker passed through Bella's eyes, her lips curled slightly.

"Dibs on the shower!"

She turned and shot for the stairs like a bullet before I could catch on. When I did, I darted after her.

"Oh hell no! I'm showering first!"

She found that hysterically funny, her laugh echoed in the stairwell. I heard a thump, followed by an "Oh shit!" I caught up to her on the first landing of the stairs, stumbling, half crawling because she was laughing so hard. I reached out and managed to grab her ankle. She shrieked, rolled over and threw one of her heels at my chest; then stumbled a few more steps, still laughing. _Brat._

I was fine with racing her to the bathroom, but she used her damn shoe as a weapon. That's when the gloves come off.

"Uh, _excuse_ me. Apologize!"

"NO!" She threw her other shoe, but I was prepared this time and blocked it. She made it the rest of the way up the stairs and sprinted to her room, her door was only part way closed due to her hurrying to beat me to the shower. I also ran to my room so I could strip.

"Edwaaard, you better hurry up! I'm winning!"

I could hear her opening and closing random drawers of her dresser and her feet padding all over her bedroom floor.

I managed to tear off my shoes, socks and dress shirt before I heard running down the hall to the bathroom. I shot out of my room and to the bathroom just in time to see Bella wrapped in a white towel, being held together by her arm spread across her chest. When she saw me, she ran full force, barreling around the stair banister and skidding into the bathroom shrieking. I narrowly missed colliding into her as our naked shoulders brushed together in the door way. Did she just...

"Foul! There's no shoving!" I looked at her with humorous, incredulous eyes.

She haphazardly closed the on me, but my body was blocking it.

"Bella you're lucky I didn't go ahead and crush you just now!" My heart was pumping so fast.

We were both laughing and huffing. I pushed the door openly fully and found her pulling back the shower curtain.

She stepped towards me where I stood a few feet inside the bathroom, "Told you I'd win, now get out so I can shower."

I shook my head in a 'hell no' fashion, "You made it first but you're disqualified for throwing your damn shoes at me and showing, now git'." I tried to push her out but she swatted at me with her one hand and pushed back on my chest.

"Whatever, you're not even ready, you still have your clothes on!"

"Alright, fine."

I moved my hands down to the button and zipper of my pants, undoing them and dropping them to the floor.

"Agh! Edward do that somewhere else you pervert!"

I barked out a laugh, holding my gut. I've been called many things in my life but pervert wasn't one of them. "Bella, you're the one standing there in a towel _watching_. Get out if you don't want to see."

It was quiet for a beat as I kicked my pants all the way off. I shook my head smiling; she's wrong if she thinks she's showering first. Bella lifted her hand and slowly placed it on my cheek. I don't know what I was expecting, a backhand maybe for my comment? But certainly not that, the way she held my face.

My own hand moved and covered hers. I stayed absolutely still with my eyes on her. She had a soft smile and was slightly flushed from all our racing and running around.

"Made you smile."

There was a sharp inhale and a searing zing across my heart. This was her plan, this was her trying to make up for that bastard showing up despite telling her I wasn't upset and it wasn't her fault. I wanted to thank her, but it didn't come in the form of words like I was thinking it would.

Out of nowhere I learned in and touched my lips to hers slowly, invitingly. The hand that was covering hers dragged down the length of her arm and to the center of her back where I pulled her closer to me. My other hand moved to the back of her neck so I could hold her lips to mine.

Bella was frozen and tense for a moment before she began to respond. Her free hand came up and around my shoulder, and wondered just a bit more to play with the fine hairs at the back of my neck. Her other hand was still holding her towel in place.

That kiss in the office…we never talked about it. But damn if it didn't give me a chill when our lips separated.

But this kiss was a thousand times the kiss we had in the office. This was electric fire; and for a man who's been in the cold for 8 months, it was a warm blanket to cling to. I was so fucking tired of being cold. I decided I was done; I'd figure out what this was and meant tomorrow. After all…one day at a time.

Bella pressed her chest up against me and left out a quiet moan on my lips. The hand that was holding her towel let go and went straight to my bare chest, carefully dragging her finger tips up and down. Her towel was now only being held up my body up against hers; one step back and she'd be naked in front of me.

Our lips caressed one another's and became more needy and frantic. My lips trailed away from her lips and kissed her the side of her mouth and ventured down to the column of her throat. "Edward…"

Bella's head lulled back, short pants escaping her. Her hands moved into my hair and scratched at my scalp.

My lips moved to her collarbones, sucking and licking. Bella kissed my temple and down the side of my face, anywhere she could reach with me bent down kissing her skin. My hands went to her waist and abruptly picked her up and place her on the edge of the bathroom counter. She gasped when I pushed my hips in between her legs. Bella's hands went to my shoulders and her lips to my throat, sucking and licking. Her movements caused her towel that was no longer being held up by either of us to droop down exposing her breasts. I groaned at the site, my hands stroked up and down her sides, barely grazing the sides of her breasts as she continued her ministrations. My dick was throbbing.

I couldn't keep my cool anymore with her naked chest right there and so close to me, my hands skipped up and cradled them in my palms and kneaded. Bella purred into my neck and wrapped her legs around me, locking her ankles. My hands went into her wavy hair and tilted her head back, my eyes feasted on her panting chest. Her nipples were peaked and my lips couldn't resist, they kissed down the valley between the pair until my cheek brushed against her inner flesh, then turned, placing sporadic kisses and sucking.

"Oh shit…Edward."

My name on her breathy lips made my hips grind into her hot heat, causing her arms to lock around my neck.

"Such succulent skin…" I kissed and suckled from her breasts to her collarbones and neck, all the way back to her lips; all the while slowly grinding into her.

Bella's lips sucked my earlobe, licking and panting, raising her hips to rub with mine. "Lay me down."

I didn't bother to ask where, I just picked her up with my hands under her thighs and her ankles still locked around me. I pushed the door of my room open and dropped her down on the bed with me settling on top of her. She was completely exposed except for the towel that was damn near falling off, but was delicately wrapped around her hips and an open slit rode up her left thigh.

I wedged my knee between her legs; causing the towel drop to the side of her hips, all the while my lips never parted from her skin. She hissed, moaned, grabbed and lightly scratched.

The tips of my fingers edged towards her core as she writhed under my touch. Slowly, I edged my fingers between her folds and groaned. She was already wet. What I couldn't think to say in words, I was showing her and her body was answering me the only way it could.

"You're wet."

"Mmmm..."

My fingers moved higher and pressed one into her core. My cock was aching and I wanted her desperately; 8 months of nothing but my own hand furiously stroking myself, hoping the noise of the shower downed out my grunting, not wanting to be caught. Somewhere deep in me an alarm went off. A sick, possessive wanting, to prove that only I could have her this way. I was acutely aware that seeing Demetri tonight had mostly likely been the cause of this stirring in my gut; to reclaim her all over again. I moved my finger higher into her pussy, swirling it around, searching for the tender spot I was looking for. She bucked her hips and pressed herself into me, showing me she wanted more. Bella fumbled furiously at pulling down my boxer briefs with just her knees and feet; it was sexy as hell.

I slipped in a second finger, pressing harder into her. My fingers plunged into her with fervor. She moaned again, louder, sending waves of lust straight to my cock. She clamped down onto my fingers as they rubbed inside her, moaning and writhing as she came hard. I held my breath, because if I didn't have something to distract myself, I would have cum right then with her.

Her erotic panting and gasping for air coursed through my body, making me feel on fire. I pulled my fingers out of her; hovering over her body with mine, I pressed myself deep, seeping into her womanly flesh.

She moaned, and I felt it echo in the pits of my stomach. I wanted to fucking cry, it felt so incredible. It's been way too fucking long.

I watched her as I thrust into her, feeling her heat stretch for me. Her moist breath traveled over my chest as I hung over her. I looked down into her eyes while I drove into her again, and she smiled.

My heart crushed in my chest and I groaned. Not from the feeling of her below me, not from the way her skin felt pressed up against mine, but from the way she looked at me as I buried myself in her. Her eyes were bright and full of passion.

She sent chills down my spine when my name escaped her lips in a low, almost silent whisper. I closed my eyes and looked away, feeling myself being dragged in deeper. I felt the walls of her pussy squeeze tight around me, urging me on.

I panted desperately into her neck, breathing the smell of her deep into my lungs. I moved harder, faster, inside her until finally, after one last thrust, I fell over the edge, coming inside her in powerful spurts. Probably because I was so backed up down there, and your own hand can't make you cum as much as a pussy can.

She shouted out seconds after I came, and as I rode out my orgasm, I held her tight through hers.

We both lay panting until out breathe slowed to normal. I carefully pulled out and turned on my side. She simply pulled the sheets over her and wedged herself up against me.

Just before sunrise I crawled out of bed, letting Bella continue sleeping. Emmet was coming over today to help me with the house; I wanted to grab a few things at the hardware store before he showed, granted it was still early. I was also expecting a rather large delivery today; which my acts from last night cemented the fact that I didn't have to be on edge about it anymore.

I sat in the early sunlight at the kitchen table drinking my coffee before I headed out. I felt so light, yet, I wasn't sure if last night changed anything or if it changed everything. I thought about Bella sleeping in my bed upstairs. I asked her to choose the paint for my room because I wanted to feel comfortable and safe there. Also, because I was trying to man up and ask her if she'd be willing to move back in with me; instead of sleeping in separate rooms like we were neighbors in our own house. Things escalated fast last night, and I had no idea if anything like that would ever happen again.

Can you one night stand your wife? I think I just did.

…**. … … ….. …. … … … ….. …. ….. …. …**

**BPOV**

I was never more thankful to be sitting on Alice's couch going through her numerous portfolios, full of numerous pages of sketches looking for a misplaced design. We made plans for me to come over during dinner at the Gala last night so I could return the dress she made. However, when I showed up she was in a panic trying to remember where she put it.

What the hell did I do last night?

Right, my _husband._

I was beside myself. Last night was intense, it started with a kiss and then became a domino effect from there. I was afraid that if I said anything that Edward would stop, and I didn't want him to. I thought I'd never feel body, flesh and bone against mine again. I didn't know what to feel. Confused? Worried? Edward wasn't there when I woke up, but I wasn't too surprised. It was the weekend and the finishing up the house had been put on hold the last week. I'm sure he was itching to get a head start this morning. As confused as I was, I wasn't going to share this news with Alice; she seemed like she had enough to worry about.

There were pages and papers and black portfolios spread all over Alice's living room, and available surface was covered. I was afraid to get up for fear of stepping on her beautiful designs. I closed one portfolio after finding nothing and grabbed another; but immediately tossed that one aside after seeing I had already looked through it. _Dear Alice, try buying different colored portfolios and not all black ones. Love Bella._

"It's the _only_ one with dots! How hard can it be to find Bella!"

Yeah, she was barking at me like that since I showed up, but I understood her frustration. The missing sketch was for the collection she created for a client; she was going to go through the sketches with her to see which ones she would like to have. Alice felt that this 'dot design' would be a must have for her client.

"We'll find it. Please just sit down for a minute and try to think where you had or saw it last."

Alice stepped around the corner with her hands pulling at her hair, "I can't, I'm too anxious."

"Why can't you make another sketch of the same thing?"

She looked at me with owl eyes, "Why can't I-…Why can't I make another sketch? Bella, that's like asking for the Sistine Chapel to be _redone_."

Okay, so…did Edward and Alice take drama classes while they were at NYU together?

"Sorry, I don't know how it works."

Alice threw herself into a large lounge chair, "No, I'm sorry. It's just that I made that one awhile ago, and I couldn't _possibly_ remember all the detail on it. I know that it has dots and that it's not in my client's portfolio."

I picked up another portfolio and flipped through the page, while Alice slinked off her chair and did the same. Twenty minutes and 8 portfolios later, I came across a fairly recent collection. I thumbed through it hoping to find the missing sketch when a certain image shifted my world on its axis.

A sketch of me wearing a really cute outfit sat on my lap before me. The only thing that put a rock in my heart was the fact the sketch showed me when I was pregnant. I read the date at the corner of the page and title Alice gave it.

_Bella's Maternity Collection, 2010._

I took a ragged breathe in as my eyes found Alice shuffling through more pages, completely oblivious to what I was seeing. I skimmed the next few pages, loving each design she made, even though I never saw them. The sketches ended abruptly, the last one was roughly around a 6 month pregnancy. The sketch after that was Rose.

"What is this?" I flipped more pages

I don't think I was breathing, I felt like I couldn't breathe.

"I don't know, describe it to me."

The word was a choked whisper, "Maternity."

The only way I knew she heard me was from how fast her head snapped in my direction.

"Oh! Here trade with me, you won't find it in there."

I started flipping pages faster and faster when Alice scrambled to get up from her spot. It was an indication that I shouldn't have seen what I was seeing.

I continue my rapid page turning and then come across Alice in her own sketches. By the time she makes it to me I'm on the last page, there were only 4 or 5 sketches of herself, I didn't exactly count though. The last page has so sketch on it, just a time frame.

_4 Months_, _2011._

The page was blank, like it was just waiting for Alice to get back to it. What was she waiting for? Why wasn't it a complete nine month collection. Same with Roses, hers wasn't a full nine either…

My pulse was throbbing in my ears so loud I couldn't hear myself, "Why am I in here?"

She grabbed another folder from the coffee table and shoved it at me but I was frozen. "Bella just trade with me."

I turned to the beginning of the sketches and looked at Alice, "Tell me."

Her face fell, scrunching her eyes closed briefly and taking a seat on the cushion next to me, "When you told us you were…pregnant…it gave me the inspiration to do maternity wear."

"I was your model."

"Right. It's not finished because…"

"Right." Because my pregnancy ended.

"Why'd you restart it using yourself and Rose?'

Alice shifted in her seat and stayed unnaturally quiet. I looked her at her; her face was white.

"Alice?"

She flashed her eyes at me, brimming with tears, "Bella…"

The way she said my name was like an apology. The blank page, _4 months, 2011_. Unfinished collections.

My chest lurched, I felt sick and cold and blood rushing in my temples, "You're… you are…_both of you?_."

Tears fell and I knew. I felt like there was a gunshot wound in my chest. I tried to take a breath but couldn't. I stood up abruptly, pages falling to the floor, my throat was suffocating, "I-I have to go."

"Bella wait!" By then I was already leaping off the front porch and running, sprinting to get away.

I wanted to cry so fucking bad but if I did it would only slow me down. I ran along the empty pastures where the horses no longer resided. _Why_ didn't I notice what was right in front of me? Her recent moodiness, moving the horses. It was all because she was pregnant. God damn it! And_ Rose_; not drinking at Carlisle's party, her unusual appetite when we were baking for Alice's moping.

Rose's comment to Alice about getting sick. It was practically rubbed in my face and I didn't even fucking flinch because I never would've thought they'd… _hide_ it from me.

_Both. _They're both pregnant. Why didn't they tell me? Where they ever going to tell me, or where they just going to randomly show up with a baby on their arm? Did Edward know?

Just as the thought hit me the house came into view, Edward's car was parked out front along side another sleek looking car.

I sprinted full force towards home, not really knowing what to do or where to go. I barreled through the front door and collided with Edward, knocking him back into the hall behind him, he held on tightly.

"Shit Bella, you're shaking, what the hell happened?"

I couldn't breathe from the running and the massive punch that knocked the wind out of my by Alice's revelation. I was gasping, shaking my head frantically, tears were finally falling profusely. I slumped against Edward unable to hold my own weight.

Edward let me lean on him and stroked my back and down my hair, "Bella breathe honey, you're okay, shh, you're okay."

I wasn't okay. I was dying from the inside. After a few minutes of Edward being unable to calm me, he slid down the wall and sat on the floor with me huddle in his lap. My breathing was a little bit easier but my crying was out of control.

"You're scaring me, what's going on?"

I pulled my head back to look at him, but my eyes couldn't focus. "Al-Alice and Rossse… _lied_." I tried to take a breath but my chest felt so constricted. Every breath, every move, every thought hurt so fucking bad.

"_Pregnant…Both…They're both…stupid!...so blind…"_ I wasn't sure Edward caught any of what I was saying. I felt hurt, betrayed by my own friends who thought I couldn't handle being told.

Edward held my face between his hands to stop my head from shaking, I looked at him wide eyed, praying that he could see how bad this hurt. I jabbed my fingers into my chest frantically trying to make him understand.

"_I was pregnant!... I was pregnant once too!"_

Edward stayed locked on me, "Bella, Bella… what's that got to do with Rose and Alice?"

He didn't understand. He didn't understand that Rose and Alice becoming moms also meant that, Jazz and Emmet would be fathers; something he couldn't be because of me. He didn't understand what this was doing to me. My mind was twisting, my stomach was rolling and it felt like my heart was bleeding all over the floor. I couldn't handle this much pain all on my own, it was too much for one person.

I wanted to make something hurt as _bad_ as I was hurting this very moment.

I felt the terrible monster within me start to rise up. The thing that made me say and do heinous acts of torture on others because I was too weak to handle anything. I was sinking again and I didn't want to drown alone. I fucking hated it so much, and the only thing closest to me at the moment was Edward. He was in the wrong place, at the wrong time again.

My hand moved to hold his beautiful face between them, my head was shaking back and forth frantically, "_I'm sorry!...so sorry…Edward, I couldn't!..."_

Edward's face became panicked as his breathing increased, "Shh, shh, Bella listen honey! BREATHE." His thumbs stroked at the sides of my face, only to be replace with new tears.

"I w-went after you." I couldn't catch my breath, there was no more air, I was suffocating.

"What? Bella damn it, try to breathe-"

"I went after you… that night…when you left…I went after you."

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**REVIEW: love or hate it? Thoughts?**


	20. Chapter 20

**3/12/2011**

**So much thanks to MrsShortHand! I had a few Charlie Sheen moments and she saved the day. (I HEART HER SO HARD!) **

**I suggest you skim back over ch. 13 just to help remember some of the issues in this chapter. This gets really messy:**

**Bpov FB's (except the one with Emmet and Carlisle) is B explaining everything to E in the present.**

**Epov FB's- is E remembering when and where he was during B's explanation.**

**"Heartless" by The Fray for EPOV's**

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**Chocolate War**

**EPOV**

I feared she'd have a panic attack at any minute if I didn't get her to calm down enough to talk to me, but nothing I said seemed to work; there was nothing I could say. Her trembling, frantic shaking, gasping breaths, relentless tears; I couldn't get through to her.

I was home nearly half an hour preparing to paint the upstairs with Emmet, but then Alice called me; said Bella left upset. Alice said she was heading over. I was on my way out to see if I could catch Bella and find out what happened since Alice didn't give any details; then that's when Bella herself slammed right into me, crying and shaking. I was dumbfounded, what the hell could've happened with _Alice_ of all people for Bella to turn into this.

Alice _and_ Rose were pregnant?

Well, fuck. That was definitely news to me, but my priority at the moment was getting Bella to calm down.

In my peripheral vision, through the wide open front door I could see Alice speed walking towards the house, dragging Jazz behind her. Bella kept repeating that she went after me over and over again. Then she started to turn angry; the more she cried and shouted the angrier she got.

"I went after you! I went after you and its ALL YOUR FAULT!"

Alice and Jazz started running when they heard Bella starting screaming again. She started slapping at my arms and chest, saying it was my fault; what was my fault I had no idea. I caught her hands and pressed her wrists together and held them locked against my chest.

"I was so _mad_ and you left! I just wanted you to stay with me but you left me!"

I could hear the pieces click together in my brain. I wasn't following what she was talking about too much before; she said she went after me when I left her, but I never _left_ her; she was too upset to go with me so I went without her.

I tried talking sense into her one more time, "Bella, I never left you. I was coming back, I wasn't leaving…"

All she could do was shake her head, her eyes boring into me; for the first time I could see how she misinterpreted the night in question. I never knew she went after me like she claimed.

"You made me think you weren't coming back! I just wanted you to stay with me…"

**(FB)**

**BPOV**

We _never_ fight. _Never._

Yeah, we've had disagreements before. But nothing like _this. _We weren't even disagreeing_._ You know it's a fight when things are _thrown_. Specifically, at the other person.

Normally, I wouldn't be in a rage over something so stupid and small. It wouldn't even be a big deal now, if it wasn't for the pregnancy hormones. Is it hormones?

Maybe I was looking for a fight. A way to showcase all the pain, sadness, hate, disgust and _guilt_ I felt; like I trapped him with my bullshit when we got married. To show him how I felt without having to say the words and explain to him the meaning behind them. Because I'm a _coward._ Who's shitty enough to do something like that without communicating it, like he wants me to.

He's good at it. He can express everything without getting angry or violent. He's so calm and rational, collected, and I'm none of that. I never slow down and think, I only act on impulse, and I'm irrational to a fault, I jump straight to anger and rage at the slightest provocation.

I woke up this morning in a foul mood, before I even made it out of bed. I looked out the large window and watched the rain fall, hoping it was just a temporary mood swing, waiting for it to pass.

While watching the news with Edward last night, the weather man said a huge storm system was moving in. Not that it didn't always rain in Seattle, it just meant there would be torrential down pour almost constantly for the next week, instead of the off and on rain.

Edward was already at work. He decided early on, even before we got married, that he'd go to work early, so he could come earlier, to come with me to do grocery shopping or anything else. Before leaving, he would set out breakfast on my nightstand. Nothing too grand, usually things like a cup of hot water for my oat meal, with sliced fruit and water with my prenatal vitamins.

He left little things too. Flowers or leaves that he came across during his morning run. Or notes that usually said similar things to his first note he wrote, that read…

"_While you were asleep, I stole a kiss."_

I immediately touched my lips after reading it. I smiled, because there _was_ in fact, a small lingering tingle on my lips.

He treated me with so much care, that I did nothing to earn or deserve.

His caring is what forced me to stay inside all day, pacing the huge apartment like a caged animal at the zoo. He'd be pissed, or at least pissed as far as Edward goes. Which you would never be able to tell. He definitely wouldn't like if it I went without him, and especially in this weather.

I went about my usual routine, like I always did since living here. Lounge in bed, do some pregnancy yoga from a DVD that Alice so sweetly gifted to me, since I didn't want a baby shower. Eat some lunch. Take a long soak in the tub- I had all day, no one to see and nowhere to go.

While soaking, I thought of those chocolate spa treatments that some spa's offered and how it would feel. But no sooner did I think that, I was violently struck with the craving for chocolate. I mean, worse than addicts want crack.

I rinsed off and jumped out. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror before throwing my robe on. There was a definite bump. I never really paid it much attention. Why should I? It's the reason for this whole mess. The reason I was here in Edward's beautiful apartment, ruining his whole life, cause of my stupid mistakes. It looked like a small globe was cut in half and glued to my stomach. I was only five months; closer to five and a half. Those months were hell. It was only two months ago that things slowed down.

I graduated from 'U-Dub' 3 months ago, with a degree in American and English Literature. The most generic degree there is out there. I told only my inner circle that I was pregnant. I should've been elated that I graduated, but I was miserable. I could barely walk across the stage. I was too heartbroken, and was unwanted by the only man I had ever loved. Despite how I felt, I had to do it because Edward and his family showed up.

What was there to be proud of? I got myself knocked up and had no fucking idea what to do.

They said they were so proud of me; and they were so excited to be grandparents, aunts and uncles.

And Edward…What he wanted to be… it was just too much.

I was so tempted to call Edward to get me my chocolate, or to come home early and go with me to get it at the store. But I had to resist. I had called him 4 times this week, nearly in tears over not being able to get the ridiculous things I was craving at that very moment.

I would immediately feel like shit when he would walk through the door wearing a smile, eyes sparkling and carrying a bag, just for me. I hated knowing that he was missing so much work when I called. I can't lie, a part of me would light up when he came home. I always gave him a kiss. He said he never minded when he could 'see me smile and taste my lips'.

That was Edward for you.

I couldn't call him again. He's done so much for me. He rearranged his whole work schedule, plus, his morning runs, just to accommodate me.

I did anything I could to ignore it. I wouldn't let Edward miss work again. I tried reading, watching movies, checking e-mails, painting my nails, going through everything in the kitchen cupboards and making lists of what we needed; which wasn't a great idea since, I was craving chocolate and being around food of any kind, just reminded me more, that we didn't have any. I mean, not even _chocolate chips_ to make cookies.

I cursed Edward and me both for eating the last of the ice cream last night. Granted, I ate the majority of it. Edward didn't think I noticed when his spoonfuls were scarce and far between, while mine were, piled high and shoveling as fast as I could.

As sweet as his actions were, it didn't make me any less fonder of the fact that I didn't have my chocolate. My terrible mood from this morning was rearing its ugly head again, and my hormones most certainly had a part in this.

I was scaling the walls by the time Edward got home. He was always so happy to see, I really don't understand why, but he was. Every time. I was nothing. I couldn't understand it. I didn't want my sourness to be near him and dampen his mood as well. So I tried to stamp out the cravings at first. That was the plan, but a few hours later I couldn't hold it any longer and blurted out, "I want chocolate!"

I wanted to smack myself in the head. _Why did I fucking say that!_ I tried to be good and stay silent but I just couldn't. I felt like if I had to choose between bags full of diamonds, rubies, emeralds and sapphires or chocolate; I'd choose CHOCOLATE. Can you believe that? What woman would do that? A pregnant one, with severe cravings. ME. Edward understood my craving dilemmas.

He immediately offered to go, but I didn't want him to. I was such an asshole. Bitching and moaning that I wanted chocolate, but wouldn't let him go get it, to make me shut the hell up. I wanted him here with me. I didn't want him to leave again after being alone all day. I spent every day alone and I was so sick of it. Everyone had jobs and worked and had a purpose and a place in the world. While all I had was a pathetic degree, a husband, a broken heart and a baby that was giving me the most irrational thoughts.

Of course, I lack all decency and I didn't know how to tell him how I felt, other than getting mad.

I became angry that he wanted to go, but all I saw it as was that he wanted to get away from me. To escape his pregnant wife that had gone mad and made absolutely no sense by, _wanting_ chocolate, but not letting him get it. He could see that I was quickly becoming angry and upset.

"Sweetheart, what's the matter? I'll be right back, I promise", putting on his coat and heading for the door.

"No! Just forget it ok? It's no big deal, it'll pass." Trying to change his mind any way I could.

"Do you want to come with me, to pick out what you want? I wouldn't particularly feel comfortable with you out in this weather, but if you want to…," completely ignoring my dismissal.

"Right, you wouldn't want me to go out in this weather…well, the same goes for me. I don't want you to go out there in that," I pointed toward the large living room windows, the storm only gotten worse throughout the day. It was true, I didn't want him out there.

"Bella, that's only because I don't want you to get sick."

I rolled my eyes and was getting angrier, "Don't be ridiculous Edward! How 'bout I call Emmet? He could get some."

Edward was exasperated, "Now_ who's ridiculous? _Why on earth would we do that? I'm perfectly capable of getting my wife chocolate. I just don't understand why you won't let me. We don't need Emmet."

"Edward don't you dare boss me and around and tell me what to do!

He gave a confused face, "I'm-I'm not bossing you around or telling you what to do. All I said was that we don't need Emmet to do a job I'm fully capable of."

"No! You were telling me I couldn't call Emmet!"

"Bella, I was _not. _There's a difference between what _I_ said and what a demand sounds like. I said we don't need Emmet. Telling _you_ what to do would be, '_I forbid you to call Emmet'_, see the difference?"

"Great! So you think I'm a fucking idiot now!"

He pressed his to his face and gave an agitated growl, "I _don't_ think you're and idiot and I _didn't_ tell you what to do. You're twisting my words around and I don't know why this has become such a big deal."

"Yea, well all I know is that Demetri would never tell me what to do." I muttered it, thinking he didn't hear, but he did.

His eyes flashed to me in a second, "Demetri would _do_ a lot. The one thing he didn't _do_ was fucking man up."

"What's that suppose to _mean_?" I snapped taking steps closer to him.

Anger, hate and raged flooded my every cell. Edward knew he was to blame for what happened.

Now I was beyond pissed. I picked up my cell phone and text Emmet to come get me A.S.A.P. before I stabbed Edward to death.

No matter what, Edward _never _raised his voice to me.

"You know exactly what it means."

"Yea…and whose _fault_ is that?" I sneered.

"We're back there? You're _still _defending him?" shaking his head.

"NO I'M NOT _DEFENDING_ HIM! I AM HOWEVER, DEFEDING THE _FATHER_ OF MY BABY!"

"How can you say that? After what he did to you, you still give him that honor?"

"I CAN'T DENOUNCE MY CHILD THEIR FATHER! REGARDLESS OF WHAT HE DID!"

_I'm the biggest fucking hypocrite that ever lived. I know I'm going to hell. I'm a heinous liar._

Edward slid his hands through his hair, "He _left_ you Bella. For another woman. While _knowing_ you were pregnant."

I shook my head, "HE LEFT BECAUSE YOU FUCKING SET IT UP THAT WAY! IT'S YOUR FAULT HE _LEFT!_ DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THAT! _YOU_!"

His hands flew up to his hair and tugged, "God Bella, don't you see? He was a _rat_! He was seeing Tanya long before he left you."

"Edward you don't _know_ that! It would've been _fine_ if you just left it alone! Your nose didn't belong in my business! YOU LEAD THEM STRAIGHT TO EACH OTHER!"

"You think I could stand idly by and watch him _cheat_ _on you_ Bella? I invited Tanya to expose them. I told you that and you know it."

I marched over to the window and looked out, "I didn't ask for your help! The thing with Tanya could've blown over. If I had just _waited_ then he'd still be here! I'm still waiting for the goddamn phone to ring with him on it to take me back!"

Edward got up and walked up behind me, I could see his semi-reflection in the window, "Take you back? Bella he deserted you when he was needed the most. How can you think that coward-"

That broke me. I was all anger and tears.

"DON'T! DON'T TALK ABOUT THE BABY'S FATHER LIKE THAT!"

Edward placed his hand over his heart, thumping it to solidify his next words, "That's my baby. It may not be my blood but…We're a family now. You're my wife. You married _me_. "

I couldn't handle the truth behind his words. I picked up the closet object I could find-our wedding picture- and threw it at him, missing him by a foot.

"THAT FUCKING MARRIAGE CERTIFICATE DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING! IF I FINISHED WHAT I STARTED THAT DAY, WE WOULDN'T BE IN THIS MESS NOW!"

I was panting from screaming at him so much. Edward's talking and all his goddamn words that day had seeped into my mind and couldn't hear anything else. In the end, I couldn't do it.

Edward's being went pale, his voice was barely there, "You wouldn't ... You decided to keep the baby."

I was sickened by my own words, but it was true. If I didn't keep the baby, I wouldn't be in any of this mess.

"We both _know_ there's ways, no matter how far along…just have to know where to look."

He shook his head in disgust," Your all talk. If you truly meant it, you would've done it when you had a greater chance of _not _getting attached. You're in too deep now."

Yea, Edward could see through me. I pushed until he turned fragile in my hands. I hated that he could do that and I had nothing to one up him. So, I attacked where it would weaken him most, just to let him know he didn't have power over me. I could change my mind if I wanted. But, I could _never_ do something like that to Edward. I didn't tell him because; he didn't deserve to throw his life away just because of my desperation. I was fighting him at every corner, tooth and nail, trying to get him to leave. What did that doctor know anyway? She said the baby was 6 weeks old, but that couldn't be; the baby was really 8 weeks because that was the last time I slept with Demetri; our trip to the Emmet's cabin.

"Don't be too sure Edward…accidents can happen" I cocked my eyebrow at him, trying to sound confident and trying not to sniffle.

Edward froze. His eyes were glued to me but then slowly made their way down to the baby, shaking his head, "You're all talk Bella."

He grabbed his jacket from the couch and slid it back on making his way to the door.

"Where're you going? I'm not done!"

"I've heard quite enough, believe me. I'm going before you excite yourself any further and harm yourself or our baby…you put on an excellent show… but, look around Bella… there's no audience here."

I snapped at the reminder of my lost love, shedding more tears, "FUCK YOU EDWARD!"

He ran his ran his hands through his hair,"Yea Bella…you did fuck me", a deep sigh escaped him, before walking out the door.

In a flash I felt all my anger and rage leave me. God these hormones have terrible fucking timing. Now not only did Demetri leave me, Edward walked out on me too.

Anxiety hit me hard. Was he coming back? Did he walk out for good? He's nothing like Demetri, he wouldn't do that. We're married. He can't leave me. I didn't want him to leave. I didn't want to be alone anymore. I wanted him here with me.

I fully regretted every word I screeched at him. I didn't mean them. It was the hormones making me do it. I ignored how well he always treated me and only focused on what I lost and threw it back in his face. I didn't have the guts to tell him that he saved me and that I could never give anything worth my debt I owed to him. I cared that he missed work, that his life was ruined by me and that I robbed him of a real future. I cared! I just never showed him. Why didn't I? I should've. He deserved so much.

I made a pact with myself that I would do whatever it took to make him happy, to show him that I could return the favors, even though I'd never be able to save him, like he did me. For the longest time, my heart was weighed down by the loss of Demetri, but now with my new determination it felt _lighter_, free in a sense. The split in my heart, was now sewn together. Each kind thing Edward done or said, was a stitch for my wound. I'm quite positive my heart had thousands of stitches. I never realized till now.

I wanted to tell him I didn't mean anything I said and that I loved him. I knew it was stupid and that it wouldn't make any sense to say that after what I said, but I just had to. He had to hear it.

I hopped over the glass from the picture frame and made it out the door. I didn't want to waste time by putting on shoes, I wasn't even wearing socks. I know he took the elevator, so I ran for the stairs, hoping he would be slowed down my other apartment dwellers on other floors coming and going. It was only four floors, I was pretty sure I could catch him if I hurried.

The stairs were outside and sopping wet with rain. They were pretty steep since the apartments here were all lavish and had high ceilings, making the stairs abnormal. _Why couldn't they put in a spiral staircase?_ I made it down the first 2 flights being pelted with the rain when, my bare feet hydroplaned on the wet steps from the speed I was descending down them. There was nothing to grab on to. The stairs railing was just as wet as the steps. My hands slipped right off them, not aiding in any way. I remember screaming.

…

**EPOV**

**Aftermath**

I couldn't understand why she wouldn't let me go. I made runs for her before, this was nothing new. But she was so adamant about it. I knew she could get testy sometimes and being pregnant just made that fact even worse, so I was trying to be careful and catch myself and not push anything.

I wanted to go. She had a craving which meant the baby wanted it too. And I'll be damned if I didn't give them their heart's desires. What was supposed to be a quick errand turned into a full blown argument, which severely diverted away from being about her craving. It turned into a Demetri thing. Yea, he probably would let another man take care of his girlfriend's needs.

But wait a minute, that's right. I _am_ that man. Silly me.

He left her for Tanya, but that was before either of them knew she was pregnant. Bella found out weeks after his departure that she was pregnant. I didn't want her to but, she told him, thinking it would bring him back. It made him run that much faster and further. Bella was devastated.

Anytime she said, Demetri was the father, my heart would seize. He'd have to be present for that and to my knowledge he wasn't. The prick didn't want to fill those shoes, so I did and it wasn't hard. Stepping in a coward's place, only made it that much easier. It made me twice the man I was, claiming a baby that wasn't mine. I didn't do it to look good. I didn't give a shit about status and image like he did.

I did it because I wanted Bella. She had no one and she needed so much. It wasn't out of pity either. Even though many saw it that way. But they didn't know how much she meant to me. I wanted to be as close to her as she would allow. I wanted her and even though she was pregnant, I wanted that too. She could have 5 children and I'd still want her as much and love the kids as my own.

Then she brought up getting rid of the baby. I never felt so sick. She already tried and couldn't go through with it. She said accidents happen. I knew Bella, she'd never do that. She was scared, that's the only reason she said it. Shit, I'm scared too but, only because I don't know if I'm good enough for them.

She needed to understand Demetri wasn't coming back. I knew she was hanging onto the hope that he would but she was going through so much already, I didn't want to add more grief.

It was wrong of me to say what I did before I left. I know she was mad and upset, but I had feelings too. Granted we had sex _all the time_ after we got married. But the time I was referring to with my comment was the first time we did it. It was otherworldly.

I took my time walking to the store, torrential rain be damned. I wanted some time to think and calm down. My precious angel's wanted chocolate and I was going to get it for them. I was hoping that Bella's anger was stemming from low blood sugar or something, and that she didn't mean all she said.

I wish Bella came with me. She didn't specify what she wanted. More ice cream? Pure chocolate bars, or did she want them to have peanuts? Or caramel or Tolberone has nuts and newget. That? I don't know. I didn't take my cell with me, and it's not like I could call her if I did, she would still be too angry to answer. I do know that 45 minutes is a really long fucking time to be determining what kind of chocolate to get.

I ended up getting more ice cream and a plethora of assorted chocolates. Pregnant women can be scary if you mess up. I've heard numerous stories from my clients the shit storm that ensued when you fucked up; especially with food.

Before I went back into the apartment, I took a minute to prepare for whatever was on the other side of the door. I wanted to apologize to her and wanted to do so without her yelling.

Opening the door, I noticed the glass from the picture frame was still there. I was glad she didn't clean it up; I didn't want her near it. But I was sad too, it was out wedding picture. That was the happiest day of my life to date.

Glancing around, I called out for her, "Bella, honey?"

When there was no answer from her I tried again, "Sweetheart, come see what I got for you."

I went to the kitchen and spread out the goodies. Excited to see her face, when she saw her heart's desires spread before her. I determined that she was probably resting, so I cleaned up the broken glass before checking on her.

I was dismayed when I found the bed empty, not even wrinkles in the sheets. I looked around and saw nothing out of place. I checked the bathroom and got the same result.

"BELLS?" I was really worried. This wasn't like her. I even checked the office, balcony and the guest bedroom.

She was gone.

…

**BPOV**

**Tragedy**

The next thing I know I'm in a hospital bed, staring at the funny porous hospital ceiling. Everything is hazy and my mind feels like it's in a misty cloud. My right hand feels warm while my left not so much. I looked down at it and see Emmet's holding it and is holding his face in his other hand, supported by his elbow on his knee. I squeezed his hand, which makes his whole body jerk in my direction. His eyes are red and wet.

"Do you need anything, are you ok?"

I shake my head, "No. What happened, why am I here?" I try to sit up and adjust myself but am hit with an incredible amount of pain. My hands hold my ribs where I feel it the most; instantaneously I remember I'm pregnant. My eyes and hands hit my stomach. I'm not happy with what I'm seeing and my heart seizes in my chest. Emmet sees all my internal turmoil and distress, he's stokes my arms and tries to keep me calm, but I'm panicking and tears of confusion are falling.

"WHAT HAPPENED? WHERE IS SHE? IS SHE OK? EMMET WHAT THE FUCK, WHERE'S MY BABY!"

"Bella, you took a bad fall, Carlisle's going to be here any minute, he's talking with the doctors, just breathe for me ok."

The silly machines that are attached to me start beeping because my heart and nervous system are crashing. Emmet's words give me a glimmer of hope that Carlisle's talking with a doctor from the nursery; that was until Carlisle walked in.

"Carlisle what the hell happened, where's the baby…can I see her? When can I see her? She's ok right?"

His face looks grim and he looks at Emmet first. His shoulders slump, and somewhere deep in me I know the thing I didn't want to acknowledge before is about to become my reality. Emmet took hold of my hand again, rubbing the back of it, while Carlisle started to explain the baby was only 23 weeks old and that for reasons unknown, these _things_ just happen; and if it wasn't for my accident we would've found out eventually at my next doctor's appointment.

"Bella, the baby was…"

After that, things were hazy. I saw Carlisle's lips moving but I couldn't register the word he said, my ears were whooshing so loudly. They heard it but my brain instantly blocked it out for my mental protection, unfortunately, my heart picked it up without missing a beat.

Without permission, my voice let out the most horrific scream of my life. Carlisle started towards me, Emmet tried to hold me but I shoved him off despite my physical pain, nothing compared to the ache in my heart.

"LIAR! YOU'RE LYING. I WANT TO SEE MY BABY!"

I threw the sheets off me, scrambling to get out of bed but my left hand jerked back abruptly. There was an IV and another smaller tube taped to me that was keeping me from my baby. I turned back violently, shooting daggers at the fucking beeping machines that were connected to me. I tore the tubes out of my hand, not giving a fuck that the needles were still in, ignoring Carlisle's yelling and Emmet trying to stop me; then reached for the patches that were stuck to my chest for my heart; Carlisle must've been witness to outbursts similar to mine over the years, he was able to wrap his arms around me from behind, locking my arms at my sides to stop them from doing any more damage.

I tried to get free, squiring, screaming through my tears, throwing my hand back against Carlisle's shoulder and kicking wildly; but none of it worked. He kept saying how sorry he was, that it wasn't my fault, these things happen. I didn't want to believe my nightmare had become my life. I was inconsolable and uncontrollable. Carlisle's only choice was to sedate me.

After I woke up from that, Emmet was still by my side keeping visual, along with Carlisle who decided to sit in for this round. I told them what happened, Edward and I had a stupid argument and that when he left, and I decided to go after him, just to apologize. They said they couldn't reach him on his cell and didn't know where he was. I didn't want him to find out so abruptly, so I made them swear not to say anything until I was ready. I could barely think of it, let alone tell Edward.

…**.**

**Hide Out**

**EPOV**

I should've known she was hiding at Emmet's. I should've figured it out sooner. She didn't have many options; and Carlisle said she wasn't at their house, she wasn't close friends with Alice and Jazz, I was pissed at her for running to her big brother.

I pounded my fist so hard on Emmet's door the window panes shook.

"OPEN THIS FUCKING DOOR BELLA AND GET YOU ASS OUT HERE _NOW_ GOD DAMN IT!"

Naturally, it was Emmet that threw open the door and stepped out onto the porch. I wasn't surprise that he was pissed, this was his house but he was harboring _my_ wife.

"Edward you need to fucking _leave_. Go home."

"I know she's in there, and I'm not leaving unless she leaves with me."

"You're outta your mind. She's not going anywhere with you acting like you are. You just scared the shit out of her. She doesn't need that shit right now!"

"Why the fuck are you protecting her? Do you have any idea what's she's fucking DONE!"

"Edward, she knew you'd find her, and she wanted me to tell you that she'll come home when she's ready. She just needs time…She'll tell you everything thing when she does."

I took faulty steps backs shaking my head in disgust at him. "You're just as vile as her."

"It's not what you think Edward. Damn it! I can't fucking tell you, but don't go down that road that's in your head right now. You're wrong."

"It's not what I think? Really, then why is everyone so GOD DAMN hushed up about it!"

"She wants to be the one to explain." Emmet's voice was completely defeated, and his eyes were pleading with me to understand, but I couldn't. I couldn't understand any of this.

"We had a fucking fight…and she does this." I walked back to my car leaving angrier than when I showed up. "A FIGHT!"

Just before getting in I turned to Emmet, who was still on the porch.

"I'M LEAVING NOW _BELLA_. YOU BETTER HAVE A REAL FUCKING GOOD ANSWER FOR THIS SHIT WHEN YOU GET HOME!"

…**..**

**BPOV**

"**A" Words**

I tried to keep quiet, entering the apartment. Still slightly sore, eyes red and puffy from non stop crying. Not sure what I'd find, my eyes were glued to the hard wood flooring, falling back against the door; not sure if I could go through with it.

I've been gone 11 days.

Emmet took me to stay with him and Rosalie. Carlisle desperately tried to persuade me to stay with him. I couldn't, not after what happened. To see those un-judging eyes, Esme included, filling me with more guilt than I could bear.

They promised, swore, that'd they'd never tell a soul. They would good men, _real_ men, could be trusted regardless if you were blood or water to them.

I dropped my bag on the floor and shed my coat, not bothering to hang either.

Finally raising my eyes straight up, not straying to look left or right, only forward. Across the living room, sat Edward. His chair turned to have constant visual of the door, waiting, statue still, looking me dead in the eye. The sun was streaming through the windows, highlighting his frame, casting a dark shadow that engulfed his face.

Immediately I looked away, knowing 11 days previous, I had just killed this man.

Carlisle had coached me, how to tell Edward, when I was in the hospital. It was simple really, Carlisle was a good father, knew his son well. Start with, and never stray from the truth.

Considering where to start, from just blurting it out, ripping the band-aid off all at once, or trying to fully explain myself and my absence.

He knew I was with Emmet. Several attempts were made to see me. Countless calls came to my phone. Emmet promised me, so revealed nothing to Edward. Just that I'd come home when able.

I was too slow; Edward calmly spoke before I could, "I see." His eyes frozen on my stomach. I couldn't prolong this anymore.

A tear trickled down my cheek, shaking my head, my throat all gravel "Edward I had an a-"

"Abortion" he finished gravely.

My head snapped up, feeling all the wind knocked out of me. Too stunned to respond. He was already on his feet and throwing on his jacket, while heading toward me.

I sunk back when he was less than an inch from my face, he'd never raise a hand to anyone, he was a good man too; this was new, uncharted territory, I wasn't sure the same rules would apply.

Edward's breath hit my wet face, seething, "Men go to prison for such things, while women roam free", shaking his head.

"It was an accident" I breathed.

"Accident? What... _You accidently _fell onto the table of an Abortion Clinic?" he questioned.

"There's nothing _accidental_ about _murder,_" hissing with venom in my ear.

The door shoved me forward when opened, when it slammed, I slumped against it, sliding down to my knees.

My body was pure tremors and trembles. Furiously trying to process how terribly wrong this had gone, tears poured down relentlessly.

I pressed the side of my face to cold hard woods and fisted my hands in my hair, letting out an agonized scream, to stop my ears from ringing with that word.

Murder.

He always wanted to talk, always digging to get answers out of me. Now, when I was prepared to talk without being badgered, he didn't want to hear.

Edward was right. It was murder. I did nothing to stop it, didn't think twice about what I was doing.

Carlisle and Emmet were wrong, they said it was an accident, but accidents can be prevented, if you take precaution.

…**.**

**EPOV**

**Devastation**

I crashed through my office door seething and spewing curses, pacing frantically. I had no idea what to do; I don't even remember how I got here. My head and my heart were at war with each other. My heart wanted to mourn the little life that never got to take its first breath; and my head told me to beat the living fucking shit out of Bella. If not her then _something_, anything.

I didn't understand how she could let a dispute could cause her to react so harshly that she'd take away something so precious and dear to me, as punishment. How _sick_ does a person have to be that they don't know right from wrong, and when things have been taken to the extreme. How could a person do such a thing?

My eye caught sight of my signed Yankee's bat from New York. I grabbed and fisted it in my hands snarling, in one swing broke off the arm to one of the guest chairs. Something in my snapped; the last straw possibly, whatever it was it sent me on a rampage. I beat apart the chairs until they were a pile of stuffing and splinters on the floor.

Exhausted and well beyond my mental limits, I threw myself down at my desk, dropping the bat beside me. I rested my head in my hands, trying to make sense of it all. How she could do it, how I wanted this to be a nightmare, how she could destroy our family; that will never be. I dragged my hands down my face as I lifted my head, heartbroken and angry.

At the edge of my desk sat a variety of framed pictures; documenting so many memories. The one that stood out the most was a picture of Bella smiling brightly into the camera on her last birthday, now looked smug and vindictive, laughing at me and how weak I was to think I factored into anything she did. She didn't give a fuck about me, she never did. It's always been about her from the beginning; because I was pathetic enough to care.

I couldn't stand her face looking at me like that. I couldn't stand her face at all, period. I felt my hackles raise and my simmering blood begin to boil anew. Without hesitation or thinking, I picked up the bat next to me and delivered thrashing swings, sending loose pictures to flutter and a spray of glass and frames across of my office. I came around my desk, bashing and swiping at anything that remained, file trays, mountains of papers, a decorative crystal bowl and a cup of pens…my computer. Everything lay on scattered on the floor. I was the only thing that remained standing, breathless with angry tears fallings. I was standing but I felt just a broken as the items I smashed around me.

I sank to the floor and leaned my back against the desk, curling my knees to my chest, letting my hands fall at my sides. Underneath the broken glass and chunks of picture frame I could feel glossy paper on my finger tips. Thinking that it was maybe one of my parents or of Jazz, Alice and I from NYU, I grabbed it hoping I didn't cause too much damage to it. However, it was neither of those. I felt a thousand pins jabbed my heart at once. Black and white, slightly grainy and a tear to the left corner caused by me. I immediately flattened it against my thigh and tried to smooth it out the best I could, biting back sobs. I didn't want him to think I was sad; I wanted him to see me happy even though tears were falling twice as much.

Bella didn't tell me she had an appointment for an ultrasound, I wasn't there to see him wiggle around on the monitor and I didn't get to hear the heartbeat. Bella just walked in and handed me the ultrasound pictures, saying everything was ok and the baby was healthy. I was mad she didn't tell me because I wanted to be there with her, and I told her so. She said I could come next appointment but we never made it. That would've been in a few days, her six month check up

I pressed the photo to my lips, my eyes shutting tight causing tears to squeeze through.

"It's not your fault…she didn't mean it baby...I love you…Daddy'll always love you."

…**..**

**(Present)**

**EPOV**

_Stillborn._

My hold on Bella's face only got tighter and tighter throughout her confession. I was shocked, appalled, sickened, and disheartened. I looked deep into her crying eyes and found no answers to end my utter confusion. Jazz was quietly consoling Alice off to the side; they both believed, as well as myself believed Bella had an abortion.

I pulled her to me and wrapped my arms around her as tight as they would go, "Why didn't you tell me?"

A car engine shut off outside, along with a car door shutting, Emmet walked into the entry way but was quickly ushered outside by Jazz and Alice to give us some privacy. She had her arms wrapped around my neck, hiding her face from me. "I'm so sorry. I'm sorry! I didn't know how to say it. I was so afraid you'd be mad. It was my fault; I wasn't thinking…I wasn't careful!"

"Oh God, Bella how could you let me think that you would…that you had…Oh God, baby how could I be mad for something like that, it wasn't your fault…no one's fault."

"It meant so much to you and it was all gone so fast. I didn't want to hurt you; I needed time to process it all."

Something occurred to me, it wasn't what she said or implied but we were both subconsciously aware of it. I sat up straighter and push her back on her knees so I could see her.

"How did you get to the hospital?"

"Emmet. I don't remember anything, but he said he found me

"That's why…you stayed with him. He knew about the baby."

Two giant tears slide down her cheeks as she slowly nodded.

"I should've been there. Why didn't anyone try to get hold of me?"

"They did. They tried calling you but you weren't picking up. It wasn't until after I was at Emmet's that anyone could reach you…I told them not to saying anything because I wanted to be the one to tell you. I'm so sorry."

When I left to get Bella's chocolate fix, it wasn't at the top of my list to make sure I had everything with me. I gathered that in the amount of time I was out, she had gone after me and landed herself in the hospital because of it; all the while my phone was in the apartment and not in my pocket like it should've been. Realistically, even if I did have it, it wouldn't have made a difference. The baby was stillborn.

I pulled her close against my body again holding her, letting her words sink into my head and heart. I was so sad for the loss we both suffered in silence over because she was afraid to tell me, getting mad now wouldn't bring the baby back. I was upset that she went through the whole ordeal without me, when I should've been the one to protect her. I went over everything she told me in fine detail in my mind over and over again. But that's when I hit a discrepancy with a numerical fact.

"25 weeks…you were 25 weeks pregnant, you said 23 earlier."

I felt her shuttering breathe and her body stiffen. I looked down at her in my arms waiting for her to agree with my correction but it never came. Her reaction to the statement was a little off as well.

"Bella, 25 weeks… right?"

"…Edward."

Her voice came out hollow and thin, not at all comforting and gave me an unsettling feeling in my stomach. She pulled back from me to sit on her knees. I straightened up as well once again. She was absolutely pale; paler than pale, sick almost. Her eyes still had tears falling but she couldn't look at me, she was looking at the floor. She had something to say, and from the looks of it, none of it would be good.

"…I couldn't be sure until I had a check-up…I thought it was a possibility but didn't want to say until I knew for sure... Oh please understand why…"

She threw her face into her hands crying and growling in frustration. She was only saying half thoughts and sentences. My anxiety was growing by the second.

Bella landed her fists on the tops of my thighs, her eyes begging me to focus nowhere else but her.

"It looked so _setup, _like I did it on purpose! But it wasn't. I didn't know until the ultrasound. I would never do that to you… you would've been _trapped_; so trapped by me. I couldn't do that to you; I couldn't take away your future like that…because I was _stupid_."

I had a thread of an idea forming in the back of my mind of where this was leading. I never prayed so hard in my life just to be wrong.

"Ultrasound… trapped? What are trying to say?"

"They said I was six weeks when I had the ultrasound. Demetri was already gone; we hadn't been together since the trip to the cabin. That would've made it eight weeks, not _six_."

I did the math in my head, I remembered the date she went for her ultrasound because it was also the same day she told me she was pregnant. Six weeks before that date was another date I couldn't forget because we'd had…

"Six would've coincided with when…we…we were…"

I gasped and jumped up so fast I nearly jumped out of my skin, my hands went to my hair, desperate to hold on to something to keep me grounded. I shook my head frantically.

"Oh God, no, no, no, NO _PLEASE_!"

Tears pricked at my eyes, Bella got up immediately and came at me, putting her hands on my chest, sobbing.

"I didn't want to ruin your life. You would've been held back if you knew… I couldn't take that away from you, after how hard you worked-"

"RUIN? YOU _MARRIED_ ME!"

I couldn't believe what she was telling me. Her reasoning behind not telling me I wouldn't have been a father just on paper, but by _blood._

"I know! After I found out that Demetri had nothing to do with it I married you because I thought I could be everything you deserved without you having to give up anything!"

I grabbed her wrists, forcefully walking her backwards into the back of the couch. "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU'VE DONE TO ME YOU _STUPID FUCKING BITCH!"_

"_EDWARD PLEASE_! I didn't want you to think I got pregnant to trap you! Please understand that. If I told you, you would've thought I was using you for your money!"

Emmet, Jazz and Alice stumbled into the house; our shouting was a cause for concern.

Bella was crying harder and wincing from how tight I had her wrists. She looked frightened and she should've; I don't think I've ever wanted to hurt a person so badly.

"FUCK THE MONEY! _FUCK_ ANYTHING YOU THOUGHT BECAUSE YOU WERE WRONG. THIS IS ABOUT THE BABY THAT I NEVER KNEW WAS _MINE_! MY FLESH AND BLOOD!"

Jazz and Emmet came over swiftly trying to get me to let go of her.

"Edward, let go before you do something you'll regret."

Jazz went for my hands and Emmet wrapped his arms around me from behind. Unfortunately, I had to let her go to fight off Emmet. I whipped around, gripped his shirt in my fists and shoved him as hard as I could into the wall behind him.

"YOU FUCKING _KNEW_! YOU KNEW THIS WHOLE FUCKING TIME WHAT HAPPENED AND YOU NEVER SAID A WORD!"

Bella ran over and tried to pull me off Emmet.

"Edward it's not their fault, I made your dad and Emmet swear not to tell you!"

Shit kept getting worse and worse. My grip loosened on Emmet slightly, I looked down at my side where Bella was.

"My father… knew?"

Her silence was my confirmation. I barked out a laugh and scrubbed my hands down my face. "Oh my God…"

I'm pretty sure there's a limit on how much _shit_ a person can take in a day, and mine was passed capacity in just a matter of minutes. I turned back to Emmet who looked ready to accept anything I did to him because he knew he deserved it. I took him by the collar and shoved him toward the front door.

"GET THE FUCK OUT!"

"Edward no! Just-"

Immediately I grabbed for Bella and pulled her close so I could seethe in her ear loud enough for everyone to her. I was done covering up for her, it was all for nothing.

"Don't worry about _fucking _Demetri behind my back again, I give you my blessing. You won't be my wife much longer after the divorce. You'll need _him_ to comfort you."

There was a gasp from Alice and I heard Jazz let out an "Oh fuck." Emmet looked surprised as well; I guess Bella forget to mention that _detail_.

I shoved her towards the front door like I did with Emmet. Her back collided with his chest but he steadied her. Apparently my message wasn't getting through to them, so I stocked towards them shouting wildly.

"GET OUT! YOU _FILTHY FUCKING __RATS!__ GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE!"_

As I got closer Bella dared to take a few steps towards me, saying a bunch of shit that I couldn't hear because I was yelling so loud. I never wanted to hear another fucking word from her again. Emmet saw how stupid she was being and immediately picked her up from behind. She screamed and kicked as Emmet dragged her out, pushing the front screen door open with his back. Bella hooked her hands and one ankle onto the door jam, struggling to get back inside, jerking Emmet to a hault.

"NO! EDWARD PLEASE, _PLEASE, LISTEN TO ME!_"

The closer I got to them, the harder Emmet struggled to get Bella unhooked from the door.

"EDWARD!..._EDWARD PLEASE!...__**EDWARD!**_"

She was screaming for me so loudly that I thought her throat was going to start bleeding; if it hadn't already.

Just as I made my way to pound Bella's limbs from the doorway, Emmet twisted to the left, loosening Bella from her hold on the frame just in time to miss having her hands and ankle crushed one at a time by my fist.

I watched on as Emmet dragged a struggling Bella to his car.

"YOU HEAR ME _**BITCH**_, WE'RE DONE! PREPARE TO BEND THE FUCK OVER, YOU'RE GONNA GET WHAT YOU DESERVE!"

* * *

**Remember how you all hated E in the beggining? Now you know who the real villain is. Why did everyone think this was going to be a happy chapter? lol Are you worried there won't be an HEA? I'm keeping that a secret.**

**If you have any questions about what went on, I don't mind answering. PM me also.**

**REVIEW: Love, hate, thoughts?**


	21. Chapter 21

**3/29/2011**

**I couldn't answer reviews because FF wouldn't let me! I'm so sorry. You were all very passionate with your responses, I was amazed. There's only two chapters left, can you believe it? lol I'm losing my touch since I didn't make anyone cry last update; or no one told me they did anyway lol.**

*******_Shortly after completion this story will be taken down_*******

**MrsShortHand went over the 500 review mark. YAY! Everyone clap! : )**

**...Songs:**

**Sia- Soon We'll be Found (BPOV)**

**Adele – Rolling in the Deep (EPOV: walking the streets)**

**Dido- Here with Me (EPOV: in apartment)**

**

* * *

**

**Irreparable **

**BPOV**

**The Next Afternoon…**

My feet thundered up the front steps of the porch, my body lunged through the front door.

"Edward!"

My throat was so raw; it hurt to even breathe through my mouth. I tried to get here sooner. I didn't want to stay at Emmet's; I didn't want to be near or the same continent with Rose – stupid, lying, pregnant bitch. I didn't sleep at all because I was stuck with them, even though they gave me my space and didn't see or hear from them. I didn't want to be away from him, where I couldn't explain. My heart was aching, dying. The look on his face when the pieces were put together, I'll never forget. I never thought I'd see him cry…I wish I never had.

His car wasn't outside; just the brand new glossy one that mysteriously sat there. I froze, waiting, praying for a response. The house was quiet and still for a beat in that moment, then I heard the floorboard creak from foot steps up above me.

"Edward!" Lunging up the stairs and to his room in record time, I wasn't prepared to see Jazz.

He was stuffing some items of Edward's in a large brown box, folding the flaps in on themselves to keep closed. He seemed un-phased by me, paid no attention even though he had to of heard me call for Edward and tromp up the stairs.

"What are you doing? Where's Edward?"

Jazz picked up the box, swinging around to the door. I moved back a few steps to make room for him to exit and make his way down the stairs quickly. He acted like I wasn't even there; no response, no eye contact. I followed closely behind, utterly baffled.

"Jazz, where is he? I need to speak with him."

He turned around, pausing halfway through the screen door. His face was rigid and his eyes sad, but his voice was firm and strong.

"It doesn't feel so great having the tables turned, does it? Not knowing where someone is…"

"I'm his wife…I want to know that he's ok."

"What the- Of _course_ he's not ok! The sick thing is those where his exact words when he was looking for _you._"

He twisted back around, down the steps, placing the box of Edward's things in his open trunk. I watched him from the doorway as he closed the trunk and waited a moment scratching his chin.

"He'll contact you if he wants to but…it's highly unlikely."

Jazz got in his car and left. I understood perfectly well that the tables had turned in more ways than one. Jazz is Edward's best friend and he'd do anything for him, especially protect him like he is now. I made countless calls to Edward all through the night and this morning using Emmet's land line; since my phone was left in my room, but he never picked up.

When I went upstairs to retrieve my phone, I noticed an extra item on my nightstand next to my phone. A small red bow stood out against the dark wood. It was tied to a small keychain that had a black key looped on the ring. I picked it up and turned it over in my hand. The emblem on the key was the same as the emblem of the mysterious car parked out in the driveway. I knew that brand of emblem.

A _Mercedes_. Edward bought me a Mercedes.

For the rest of the day I was in a daze. Calls came in from Emmet and Rose but I ignored them. They weren't the person I wanted to talk to. I sat in the darkened living room waiting for Edward to walk through the door. After a few hours I resolved to try calling him again; it went straight to voicemail.

I didn't to think about his angry words from yesterday, or that he truly meant them. I knew I was wrong for what I did. I should've told him as soon as I figured it out myself, should've told him immediately about the accident regardless of how scared of his reaction I would've been. But I did none of those things.

I lied to make sure he wouldn't have been trapped in anyway by me, lied about the death of the baby because if I hadn't, I would've had to explain that it was his from the beginning and that Demetri never had a part in any of it. I couldn't tell him about the baby without telling him it was his, there was no way I could reveal one without the other. It would've been too much. I _wanted_ to tell him about both issues in one sitting.

I wish I could've kept it from him, so his heart wouldn't feel the pain it does now – wherever he was.

It was becoming increasingly clear throughout the night that Edward wasn't coming home. As much as I didn't want to think about it, it couldn't be avoided. I was terrified that he meant what he said, that his threat of a divorce wasn't just said in the heat of the moment but because he _really_ wanted one.

Tears came to my eyes in the quiet darkness. These weren't tears for myself, these were all tears cried for Edward; for what he was feeling, going through, for the right he had to feel every ounce of hate towards me. We were doing better; we were making an effort to work things out. But now, I knew there was nothing that would justify what I did to Edward. Even though I did it because I thought I was protecting him, it ended up hurting him that much more. I had to wrap my mind around the idea of Edward leaving, of a divorce. No matter how much I thought I could explain to him, it wasn't enough.

I did this, I deserved this…I deserved everything I had coming my way. Whatever he wanted to do, I'd accept without complaint.

…**. …. …. …. …. ….. …. …. … …. … **

To make the waiting for Edward to return more bearable, I started painting the rooms upstairs. After all, it was why Emmet came over that day; to help Edward paint. Calls came in from Emmet mostly. Rose came in just a few calls shy of Emmet's number, two from Carlisle – all were ignored. I told myself the next call or person I was going to talk to was going to be Edward. Emmet stopped by a lot even though he never made it past the porch. My phone vibrated next to me while I hid at the top of the stairs listening to him knock and holler for me until he gave up. Emmet would say things like:

"_Give it some time." _

"_Edward needs to cool off."_

"_You knew this would happen."_

"_You two can work it out."_

After that I went back to painting, tuning Emmet out entirely. That was the thing, we were _working it out_. We had finally reached a place where we could be comfortable with each other. We had _sex_ for God Sake's. I never would've thought it was possible a few months ago.

I had to accept that he needed time, just like I did. But his grief was piled high with lies and betrayal.

The hallway was painted a faint shade of lilac, while my room was painted a warm and inviting honey color, in hopes of it becoming a guest bedroom. The bathroom was painted an airy mint blue. Last was Edward's room. Green. It was the only color suitable; anything else would've been sacrilege. It made me feel like he was all around me, with me and not far way. After waiting for Edward to show up the first night back at the house, I swore to myself that I wouldn't cry, no matter how much I really wanted to.

A few days into painting there was a subtle knock at the door. It was too timid to be Emmet's heavy pounding. The smallest part of me had hope that it was Edward, but then the fleeting moment left when I realized he would've let himself in, instead of knocking. I knew I couldn't hide away forever either, so reluctantly opened the door.

Esme stood before me with tears and sniffles, but still looked beautiful in her tailored pant suit and swept back hair. I stood there foolishly frozen. Esme straightened her back and arranged her purse strap high her on her shoulder. I was completely speechless, I didn't know who I thought was at the door, but I certainly didn't ever think it would be Esme.

I took a few steps back inviting her in while she stepped just instead the door way. I was taken by surprise when she quickly wrapped her arms around me and pulled me into a hug. Her hoarse voice gave away that she had been crying for some time when she whispered in my ear that she was 'sorry'. I was about to offer her something to drink when she pulled back and her eyes flashed with anger. Esme's right hand lashed out hard against my left cheek knocking the words right out of my mouth; snapping my upper body to the side with a stunned gasp. Immediately after her hands flew to her mouth gasping in horror; her eyes were wide with shock. I was afraid to straighten myself, more stunned now than I was when I opened the door. Esme took a half step forward, causing me to jerk back. A sob leaked through her fingers covering her mouth, tears falling over her hands. She whipped around and quickly stumbled out the door to her car.

I didn't move until I heard the car door and the engine disappear down the road; only then letting out a cry of my own. It was clear that lines had been drawn and bonds were severed; sides were taken.

All the windows upstairs were open so the cold breeze would help dry the paint. The house is finished except for the furniture that needs to be switched out by new. There's no celebrating; no one's here to see it but me. It's been almost a full week and there's been no word from Edward. I decided to sit in the bathtub and soak so the paint I had spattered all over would rub off easier. While I lay in the tub up to my chin in water trying to escape the cold air my mind began to wander. My face still burns from Esme's blow. Occasionally I poke and prod at it to make it sting, to keep myself in check that I had earned what I got justly.

I _know_ it was Alice's doing. Jazz and Emmet didn't know I cheated on Edward, but the difference between them and Alice is that, they wouldn't fucking go around announcing it to the world. Edward didn't care anymore to keep it a secret. No one knew I cheated, but among the people in that room that day, Alice is the only one cunt enough to squeal; straight to Esme no less.

Good. It should've been like this from the beginning. It was my fault from day one, and what was happening now was just delayed backlash.

I need to hear his voice, see his face, touch his chest, smell his skin, taste his kiss.

I can't do any of those things, so I think about what I have to do while I wait in the meantime. Finding a job is in order. New place to live? I don't know, probably.

I need him here, and I miss him. I know the longer he's gone, the more his mind is made up about leaving. I've ignored it up until this point. At this point I cry, tears, tears, more crying. Hands pressed to my face, and my left cheek burns again. I submerge myself in the tub because I can't fucking stand hearing myself cry anymore and want to stop but can't. It fucking hurts to cry and it hurts when I don't.

Under water I can't feel when the tears fall, if they fall at all. I can't cry under here and my chest is tight from holding back. I can hear my heartbeat throbbing in my temples. I keep my eyes on the door, thinking any moment Edward's going to walk through it again like before. All I can hear is his voice in my ear screaming.

"_WE'RE DONE!"_

He becomes too loud under the water and I jerk myself forward to sit up. It's back to being deathly silent again. My back and shoulders get goose-bumps from the cold air coming through the open windows. It's a cold burn on my skin. I get, wrap my towel around me but don't bother drying off. I change into whatever my hand hits first from my drawers and crawl into bed, the fabrics I'm in already becoming soaked from my skin and hair. I toss and turn and try to focus on the rustling of trees through my open window. None of it works. What makes me fall asleep is the exhausting fight I put up trying to block everything out.

… … …**. …. …. … …. … ..**

My calls go straight to voicemail now. I can't handle waiting any longer. I wait outside the office in the brand new Mercedes and make sure the coast is clear of Alice and or Jazz. Edward's car isn't in his personal parking spot. Nina is shocked to see me.

"Bella? Mr. Cullen isn't in his office." Her eyes shift to Edward's door.

"I need to speak with him, it's urgent. Where is he?"

"Uh uhh…" She stutters and now I know she knows.

"_Please?_ I know they told you not to say anything. I need to find him."

She shakes her head and looks down at her desk.

"_Anything_. Something… a number?"

She looks at me and I know she can see how desperate I am. She looks to Jazz's office door and then the clock. My time here is running out. Nina pulls up a contact list on her computer and jots something down on a post-it, handing it over to me.

I don't think Nina's on my side but she understands. That's all I need.

I'm not going to call immediately. I'm still going to give him time, no matter how much I hate it. I do feel better knowing that I have the ability to reach him instead of going through hurdles, because they would mean I would never be able to reach him, which is the whole purpose. Me not reaching him.

…**. …. … …. …. … … …. ….. ….**

The sky is dark with gloom clouds, it's cold and rainy. Everything is gray, and I have to turn lights on inside the house even though it's daytime. I know exactly what day it is today and it makes me wonder if Edward will call because of it. It gives my body chills. It's cold enough that when I exhale I can see my breath. It's fitting for how eerie it feels today. Maybe because I'm sick. Going to bed soaking wet with the windows wide open wasn't very smart. I had a cough, paired with a head and body aches.

I spent so many years of my youth praying to never having to be alone on this particular day, yet, here I sat, more alone than ever, cold and sick.

I didn't know what to do with myself. Rose and Emmet both called today; maybe they remembered what today was for me. I still couldn't bring myself to answer; they felt messages but didn't want to hear them. Emmet hadn't stopped by recently. My guess was that he was off trying to prep for a baby. I wanted to be happy for them both but the announcement was just too sudden. I don't what I'm going to do when the baby arrives. I never want to be near another baby; or even children for that matter ever again. I worry for Rose though. I hope she never goes through anything like I did. I hope her baby is healthy.

Around 5 PM, after thinking about the family, how there would be new additions coming soon, I decided that I should at least call Rose. Tell her that I was happy for her; even though I couldn't exactly feel it at the moment. She was so good to me through everything; I owed her.

I was about to call when someone knocked at the front door. My heart began racing hoping beyond hope that it was Edward. I peeked from the top of the stairs and saw a tall silhouette through the glass. I was relieved when it was too tall for it to be Esme. I wasn't going to open the door again if it was her. I jogged down the stairs and swung the door open with a smile, instantly feeling foolish and stupid. The man before me was in a wet trench coat with the collar popped to keep dry.

"Good evening, are you Mrs. Cullen?"

I looked over his shoulder and his delivery truck still running. I had a delivery. I knew he'd remember. Edward sent me something.

The man pulled a manila envelope out from under his trench and handed it to me; it felt heavy and thick. I read where it was shipped from, reading the words _New York. _I signed for the package and the man drove off.

I tore through the envelope to get what was inside. In my hands I held a stack of formal, legal looking papers. I read the print at the top. I flipped through the pages and saw they had a bunch of multicolored arrows tabbed on the specific pages. I expected this for some time but nothing prepares you, nothing. It was exactly what he said he'd do. I slide down the wall closest to me and rested my temple to it, trying to catch my breath through congested lungs. On top, underneath the paper clip keeping the papers together was a small folded note in his writing.

"_Happy Birthday."_

… … …**.. …. …. …. … … …**

**EPOV**

**3 Weeks Later…**

I never should've left this city. This is where I belonged. New York was always the place where I was at my best; and it proved to still be true. It felt good to be back. Walking down the crowed N.Y. streets never felt so right. I had a confidence in my walk and my shoulders were no longer hunched over, they were broad and strong. They didn't have to carry the shit I've been dealing with for nearly this last year. I was free; at least, about to be.

I had the mother of all breakdowns after Bella and Emmet left. I barely remember much of it myself, but I do recall being on the floor crying and shaking; holding onto Alice for dear life, my head in her lap while she stroked my hair and down my arms. She tried to calm me down shushing me while she continued stroking.

"_Shh shh Edward, c'mon please?"_

Her voice was gritty from trying to sound calm and reassuring but I knew she had tears falling as well. I wanted to rein it in and pull it together so she wouldn't be upset since she was pregnant now too. I'd hate to see either of my best friends like this. I just couldn't keep it in. I heard Alice tell Jazz that she was going to kill 'the heartless bitch'; I assume she meant Bella. I didn't care, what happened with or to Bella now, it was none of my concern. When shushing me didn't work she gave up and went with it.

"_I'm so, so sorry sweetie. Get it all out. You can cry, honey." _

Jazz sat next to me with his hand squeezing my shoulder occasionally. It felt so much longer than just two hours, but by the time I had calmed down. I had a flight booked for New York and a change of clothes in a backpack. Jazz and Alice understood I couldn't stay, that's why they're my best friends. I had to get away and have time to think. I knew Jazz would take care of the office.

I started getting ideas of setting up another office here in New York; I could run business here, while Jazz ran the one back home. I always wanted to expand.

Walking crowded streets and being in and out of meetings all day was easy, but it was the coming home to a spacious, luxury apartment that offered little comfort that was the hard part; I had nothing to distract me. The place is huge, and I never use the kitchen unless I'm making myself a drink.

I flew my ass to the opposite coast to get the fuck away from everything and everyone. All I could _her_. Screaming and pleading. Her voice echoed off the walls of the big empty apartment. She followed me. Only Jazz and sometimes Alice calls me. Any other calls are ignored. I still have my cell from Seattle, but I let it die so I wouldn't have to receive those. Plus, I got another cell for being here in New York; that's the line Jazz and Alice reach me on. The apartment has a land line of course, but I let those calls get picked up by the machine. I know Jazz is worried about me, and that because of it, my parents _somehow_ obtained the apartment number. When the machine picked up and I heard it was my father's voice, I didn't give him a chance to leave a message, I tore into him.

"You better be calling so you can fucking _beg_ for forgiveness. And don't you _dare_ 'son, listen' me right now. Don't. You. _Dare._ I shouldn't even be giving you the time of day."

"Edward… First off, you _know_ there's a strict doctor-patient confidentiality standard to follow. What was I-"

"You were supposed to tell me _my wife_ had an accident! You and Emmet _both_ should have started there. You had _NO _right to keep that from me! To top it all off, you've been lying to me this _whole_ time, you knew! How can I ever believe anything you say? Did mom know too, was everyone in on it but me?"

"It wasn't a black and white decision, Edward. Did I _want_ to tell you? Yes, of course I did. And no, you're mother didn't know at the time, but she knows now. She...she didn't handle it very well."

"Well, it's good to know I have at least one parent that I can still trust…You know what, what I don't get is, is that everyone thought they were doing me some kind of favor by lying, and now look, I'm paying for it deeper than ever. All because you, Emmet and that _bitch_ thought they knew best."

I hung up before Carlisle could say anything else.

…**. ….. ….. … … ….. … ….. …. …. …**

After a late evening run in Central Park, I stood over sink guzzling down water and ignoring the once again ringing phone. I was too exhausted to answer it. I wasn't in the mood to talk to my father or my mother at the moment.

When the machine picked up and there was silence, I knew who it was. The first time she called it was pretty late. I was sprawled out on the couch half asleep. It was silent when the machine picked up. I looked over the arm of the couch to make sure the red light was blinking, recording. I heard a shaky breath exhale slowly and I _knew_. I saw red. I bolted from the couch, ready to swipe the damn thing off the table when her small voice filtered through the speaker.

"Edward…..please?"

It was like she could see what I was going to do. Disconnect her from me. Her pleading stopped me. Scared, weak, vulnerable was all I heard. I slide down next to the little table the machine sat on. She didn't say anything else. Just those two words. We were doing so well, working to get back just a fraction of what we had together. Elbows on knees and hands gripping my hair, I listened to her breathing into the receiver. It was unsteady and nervous. Maybe she was waiting for me to pick up, or she was thinking of more to say. I never picked up, and she never added more to her message. I wasn't mad the baby was gone, just extremely hurt. I was only mad that she lied; and that she shut me out at a moment...a situation that I should've been there for. After the machine cut off, she didn't call back that night. She did a few days later, but she didn't say anything, just her breathes. I could never get myself to cut off the machine.

I have no clue how she fucking got my number; the one that was directly linked to me, but she did it. Jazz would _never_ give it to her and Alice was the same. I certainly believe my father knew better than to go against me, twice.

But as I stood at the sink and listened, she finally had something to say than just two words.

"…Edward. I-I'll sign... _cough, cough_... them. If you come ho…over. You can leave anytime you want if you don't want to hear anything I have to say. I'll still sign them. _Please?_ Come. _Cough._"

The offer didn't sound half bad. She was seriously lagging on getting that shit done. I debated that if I didn't show up, she would take longer to sign them. If I did show, then I could get them signed sooner and whether or not I decided to listen she whatever it was she had to say. Win-win.

It didn't explain why I felt bothered by it though. It also didn't help that there was a twinge in my heart knowing she was sick.

**… …****. …. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. ..**

The house was dark, it was late evening. Only a light in the kitchen was on. I knocked twice and waited. Something in my gut wasn't sitting right. It wasn't because she didn't know I would be coming tonight. Bella answered the door without even checking who it was. It irritated me. I could've been anyone and she just opened it without a care. I quickly told myself it was no longer my concern. She was surprised to see me, but she knew why I showed up. Her eyes were glassy and her hair was a mess. I guess that's a typical look for a future ex-wife. However, I was bothered by her once again when she spoke.

"Edward," her voice was raspy and sore. She sounded no better than she did a week ago when she left her message on the machine."Um, I need to go upstairs for a sec. I'll meet you in the kitchen."

I sat at the table and waited for her to come back. I really wasn't interested in hearing anything she had to say. I wanted her to sign the papers and get on with my life as best I could. Unfortunately, this whole ordeal would be a black stain on my being; forever tainting me.

When she came back, Bella was practically wheezing, her hands were shaking as she set down a pen and the stack of papers I sent her on her birthday in the center of the table between us. I admit that it was a shitty thing to do, but I was furious and rightly so. She opened her mouth to speak but I spoke before she could.

"You might as well just sign them now, because I'm certainly not here to listen to anything you have to say."

There was silence for a moment but the she slowly reached for the pen and slid the papers in front of her. She swallowed thickly before signing the first page.

"I didn't read any of this. I'm guessing you.._cough.._ want the house?"

"How very _stupid_ of you. No, I don't want this house." You're presence would be too present if I was here without you. You'd haunt me like a ghost.

She flipped and signed the next page.

"You're selling it, after all the work you've done?"

"It would be incredibly foolish to sell a house that's already paid off. Same would go for a car. It's not like I can return one of those."

"I don't get..._cough cough cough"_

"How long have you been sick?"

"I'm fine. I think it's starting to pass."

"I'm letting you keep the house and the car, Bella, since their both paid and I have no desire to have either."

She signed one more page and flipped to another. It was incredibly silent. I may not have wanted to her what she had to say, but I had some serious questions I've always wanted to ask her; I decided now everything was ending, I could finally get some answers.

"Why'd you do it?"

Her hand froze before she could start her next signature, her eyes slowly looked up at me; her whole body got chills.

"Which... part?"

Yes, there were many things Bella did that would make you stop and ask why.

"You slept with him. _Why_?"

She set down the pen and pushed the papers to the side. Tears fell slowly and silently.

"I-I was so messed up... after I lost the baby. I couldn't even tell you what direction the sky was if you had asked. I didn't know what I was doing. You had been mad at me for so long because you thought I deliberately got rid of... I ran into him one day. He was happy to see me… I forgot what it felt like…to be wanted in someone's company."

"So that makes it ok?"

"No. Of course not. You asked, but I can't help if you don't like the answer."

She picked up the pen and starting signing again.

"And the baby? Why'd you let me think you had an abortion huh? You let me _believe_ it and never corrected me."

"I _always_ intended to tell you. I just didn't know how to start, because I knew whether I told you the baby was…gone… or that it was yours, I couldn't live with myself if I only told you the half of it. I had to tell you both, but it had to be together…at the same time. There was just never the right moment. It went on for so long that, I thought letting you believe what you wanted was better than the truth."

"Who the fuck do you think you are? You're not _God_ Bella. You don't get to dictate other people's lives. But I guess you're just so much _smarter_ than everyone else is that it?"

"I didn't mean-"

"Just sign the papers so I can leave."

We sat in silence as she finished. I took them and headed for the door.

"Edward…_cough."_

I turned to look at her with annoyed, raised eyebrows.

"I never meant for it to be like this…_cough._ Or for it to end…_cough, cough…_like this. I'm sorry I hurt you in so many countless ways…_cough, cough, cough."_

Her coughing was starting to really itch at me. It was hitting stronger and more frequently; certainly not what a cold would be like in its final days. She was getting pinker and pinker with each cough and her eyes were tearing.

"Bella, look-"

"No, I want you…_cough, cough_…to know something…_cough_…important. I'm not asking anything…_cough, cough…_from you. I had no idea, but you need to know too…**cough, cough, cough**…"

"Bella."

Bella took a deep breathe and started violently coughing and gasping. Her left hand covered her coughs while her right flapped wildly. I ran and got her some water for her to sip. I got back just in time to see her eyes roll back in her head and take one last gasp, I lunged forward, just barely catching her under her arms. I brought her down to the floor and held her upper body in my arms and her head in my palm; tilting her head back to get the most oxygen possible. Her breathing was rapid and shallow, clothes felt damp and her skin felt incredibly hot. Sweat was beaded all over her body, along with wells in the dips of her collarbones and the base of her neck. I dug my phone out of my pocket.

"9-1-1 what's your emergency?"

As I sat in the back of the ambulance I tried to focus on the answers to the EMT's questions.

Age? 24.

Kidney disease? No.

Asthma? No.

History of smoking? No.

History of drinking. Pass.

Epilepsy? No.

Shouldn't they be the one's giving _me_ answers? What the hell's wrong with her?

After they got Bella check out and into a room, the doctor was the one that gave me the diagnosis.

Pneumonia.

"It's a good thing she was brought in when she was. She's not just fighting for her life these days."

That's a rather odd thing to say.

"What?"

"Don't you know? You're wife's pregnant."

No. I certainly did not. What the fuck? Oh God, why, why, _why_? This could not be happening. There's no way in hell I'm doing this again. I refuse. It was the sickest feeling of deja vu. I looked at her for awhile after the doctor left. She looked nothing like the Bella I used to know. She seemed incredibly fragile, more than ever before. I know it was because she was sick, but I should've been here to catch it. She was always the type to brush off ailments; not one wanting to be babied or fussed over.

"You know what Bella, I'm going to start calling you God damn 'fertile myrtle' from now on. Fuck, honestly? Have you _ever_ taken you're pill?" I was talking to her even though she was out cold. I wanted to take advantage of this moment and say a hundred things to her. _You could've told me everything, you didn't have to be afraid. You've always been afraid, I had hoped I could teach you not to be. Fear is for the weak, you're not weak, so don't be afraid. _I really wanted to think she wasn't afraid this time as well, about tell me about this baby. I knew she debated before on whether to keep her- _our_ first baby. If I had known then the baby was mine, I would've never suggested adoption, I would've fought hard as hell to keep the baby myself if she was too scared; if she bothered to tell me at all. Given how she struggled the first time because she had no money and was about to lose her appartment, I knew this time wouldn't be the same. She had what she need, a freshly redone house, a brand new Mercedes and money; plenty of money.

Bella slept all through the night and a good portion of the morning. I couldn't stay much longer, so decided to call Rose; the one person I hoped that she was still in contact with. My father mentioned that he hasn't spoken to Bella because he couldn't get a hold of her. I figured it was because she was shutting everyone out again; that was her choice and I didn't have to be the one lingering in the background while she did it anymore. She woke groggy and disoriented. I quickly ran through the events of the previous night and how she ended up here.

"You're pregnant?"

Her eyes flashed to me. She looked scared but she really didn't have a reason to be.

She nodded, "I was trying to tell you."

Oddly enough I believed her.

"When did you find out?"

"…about two weeks ago."

I didn't ask anything else about it. Attaching myself would only make it worse later.

"Bella, I'm going to go."

"You're not staying?"

"No. I have a flight to catch. I called Rose."

She rubbed her face groaning," Damn it Edward…What about...what's going to happen with..."

I know what she meant and I thought long and hard about this decision. I tried going down this road with her before and the end result was nothing but catastrophic. I honestly don't think I'd survive it if lightening were to strike twice. I was still coping with her lies; how long she kept her lies going.

"I won't do this…I_ can't_ do this again, with you. I'll give you money; however much you need or want but, I just… I really can't go through this again."

As I walked out of her room I saw Rose coming down the sterile hallway. I pulled her into a tight hug. Careful, but tight.

"Edward, please stay? You guys can get through this."

"Congratulations honey on the baby. Take care of yourself please, and keep an eye on her."

I truly couldn't do any of this again. The last time I stepped in and tried to help her, give her everything she could've needed. No matter how much I loved her, maybe what happened was fate, telling me to back off. I didn't listen before, but I'm listening now.

* * *

**; )**

**Don't you guys know me at _all_ by now? haha**

**Sami69, are you still sitting back in your chair or did I knock you out of it?**

**I sent a secret someone a few pieces of my new fic (name cannot be revealed due to harassment reasons) I need her safe! lol It's slated for mid-summer release. I hope you'll add me to your Author Alert.**

**Twitter: (at)StephStew1**

**REVIEW :)**


	22. Chapter 22

**4/17/2011**

**Here it is! Go read. The below paragraph has nothing to do with this story haha, it's just my personal question to readers.**

* * *

**Do you love your husbands/boyfriends "morning scruff"? I do. I love the feel! The way it scratches my lips when I kiss his cheek or chin, (ugh, sigh) I rub my face all over his. He laughs every time because he thinks I'm crazy for liking it but he secretly likes it too, so... And I don't mean like, grinding my flesh to his, its like pressing my cheek to his, slowly dragging. It prickles and tingles my skin. He likes rubbing along my neck and shoulders. And lets not get into when he scratches his chin along the inside of my thigh; I came damn close to crushing his skull with my knees. So, am I the only one who enjoys scuff, or is he right about me being crazy? lol**

* * *

**Who Knew – Pink (I'm not a fan of Pink, but this song sorta fits)**

If someone said three years from now  
You'd be long gone

That last kiss, I'll cherish  
Until we meet again  
And time makes, It harder  
I wish I could remember  
But I keep, Your memory  
You visit me in my sleep  
My darling, Who knew

**Someone Like You – Adele**

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited,  
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it,  
I had hoped you'd see my face,  
And that you'd be reminded that for me it isn't over

Nothing compares,  
No worries or cares,  
Regrets and mistakes, they're memories made,  
Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?

**…...**

**Nevermind**

**EPOV**

The phone ringing made me jump. I snatched it up immediately praying like hell.

"Hello?"

There was a gruff sigh on the other end and a silent pause before the person spoke.

"You really got to understand something here… it was our choice, Edward."

Emmett.

He called my cell many times before. It was only Carlisle and Esme calling the apartment land line these days. I imagine my father gave him this number after Emmett was unable to reach me. In the midst of being hit with Bella being pregnant again, I lost all the energy I had before to even contemplate being mad at the ones who were involved in Bella's elaborate scheme. I still felt mad, but it was on the back burner and at a low boil, Bella and the new baby were front and center every second.

"What was, Emmett?" My tone was lazy and irritated. I didn't have time to fucking playing word games and beat around the bush.

"For your father and I not to tell you about her accident…and the baby; it wasn't her decision. It was ours, yet you're punishing her for it. She had no say in what we _decided_ to do."

"Are you trying to convince me that she didn't _lie,_ that she didn't orchestrate the greatest mutiny I've _ever_ seen under my nose and in _my_ _family_?"

"I'm not saying she wasn't wrong, Edward, and I'm far from defending her choice. Carlisle and I wanted nothing more than to let you know, to let her tell you herself but…if you just could've seen how desperate she was, to give herself some time…to wrap her head around it."

"Fuck that, Emmett. You _are_ defending her, you've always defended her. It's the reason you didn't come straight to me in the first place. I bet you knew about her affair the whole damn time too; God knows you two are as thick as thieves."

"Hey! I never knew about that, man. I had no idea she did that. To be honest, I'm still fucking stunned; I never would've thought Bella would do something like that."

"I guess neither of us really ever knew her then did we?"

"Edward, I know you're mad, pissed, angry and shit load of other things right now but, you got a baby on the way, something has got to-"

"You _don't_ know Emmett! You couldn't even fathom what's going on inside my head. Tell me, what would you have done if you loved Rose from a distance with all your might, but you guys weren't exactly together, but she depended on you and used you however she saw fit, and one day she tells you she's pregnant but the baby wasn't yours? Would it have made a difference to you, would you have left Rose? Of course not. Why do you think that is?...Because you _love_ Rose, you would love that baby because it's a _part of her_. Now fast forward, you two are married, you're precious baby is _dead,_ you find out she lied, for _months_, she cheated on you. How is one _supposed_ to respond or act, think or feel Emmett? What the hell would you do, because I'd certainly like to know?"

"I don't know, Edward…I don't. There's no answer. It's a horrible thing that happened. And I understand that you're livid; you have every right to be. I have to admit Bella probably wouldn't have kept it from you as long as she did if me and Carlisle didn't support her, and for that I'm really sorry. If you're going to be pissed, make sure it's at me. I didn't have to get my hands messy but I did. But don't do this to Bella, not now. She _really_ wants you there. Me and Rose are doing our best, but we can't give her what she needs. Just talk to Bella, Edward, please."

"I don't need you lecturing me on whose fault this all is, it narrows down to one person; the rest of you were just pawns to her…just like me. I got to go, Emmett."

I hung up. Why did everyone have to keep reminding me? I _know_ Bella's pregnant, how can I forget.

Work was good. Instead of setting up an official secondary office in New York, I decided to take an interest in giving college students in the field to work with professionals such as myself. It was an excellent way for interns to get to know the business in the real world, outside of school, and give them a recommendation if they were really job material. I made no money off of them, but they helped me out with the decent sized client list I racked up here in New York.

Carlisle gave me the ass-chewing of a lifetime after news had made it threw the wire. I sat there and took it, and couldn't disagree with a damn thing he said or called me. I whole heartedly agreed that I was being a coward. All I could say was that I needed time to get a clear head and prepare for what was to come. It wasn't going to be a secret and thankfully I only received his call when I was grounded back in New York.

Alice said Bella never came to visit her at the hospital after baby Jane was born. She was pretty upset about it. She didn't want to be fighting with Bella, but she said she felt she should be loyal to me. Alice expressed her anger toward Bella on many occasions but also said how much she wished Bella had been there, and how sad it made her that she wasn't. She did love Bella, and believed that siding with me kept Bella away. She told me of the tongue lashing she had given Bella when she unknowingly crossed her path. She felt bad after, but even worse when she found out later she was pregnant. Alice thought I could somehow talk to Bella into stopping by her house for a visit so she could make things right with her. I knew Alice enough to know that it was her way of saying for me to talk to Bella. The invitation by Alice would be my reason for calling Bella in the first place.

I couldn't do it. If I was going to talk to her, it wouldn't be under any false reasoning, even though Alice did want Bella to visit her.

Carlisle and I have been talking a lot more about what was going to be done in regards to Bella and myself and handling having a baby again. I'm pretty sure Emmett talked with my father after the conversation I had with him. Sure, he gave it a few days before my father called, but I think they were both working together. It didn't bother me, but if I chose to come home, it'd because I was ready, not because they coaxed me into it.

"Edward, a divorce, really Son?"

"Don't start. It's the way it's got to be, so leave it alone."

"You're afraid, I would be too, but it solves nothing. It creates more complication in a situation that could go with a lot less. A divorce is for people don't love each other anymore, or there's another serious issue, it's not the answer."

"But it _is_ the answer when your wife fucks another man."

There was a pause from Carlisle. I can imagine he was trying to search for a rebuttal.

"But you still love Bella."

Now there was a pause from me. My battered heart told me yes, but my head, with all the things that happened, knew I shouldn't still love her. It didn't matter how much I avoided it, or how much I lamented over everything in the past and thought about everything coming my way in the future, I was at my breaking point. I was desperate, and in need. I was lost.

"Dad…please…_please_, just…tell me what to _do_."

"I think you know, Edward. Come home. That's the first step."

Deep down I knew it would have to be done eventually. Putting it off wasn't going to make this any less difficult.

"Sometimes I think…she only stayed with me because she was afraid."

"She _is_ afraid. What would she have to be afraid of, Edward?"

I know she depended on me, but she could've told me she wanted to leave and I would've let her. I never mentioned it because she would've had nothing if she did. If she wanted out, why didn't she just say it?

Bella never called me after I left. I sit on the floor by the phone in the apartment and just wait for it to ring. I keep thinking she'll do it again. It's stupid to think that she would after what I told her. I don't _expect_ her to, but I'd really like her to.

I want my baby, and… I want my wife. I was under the impression she loved me, but now I've recently started thinking maybe Bella only married me because she felt she had to, and not because she wanted to. Did she only agree because she knew the baby was mine? What purpose would that serve her if she did it for my benefit, she knew I loved her; it was no secret to anyone else. Does that mean she said yes because she loved me too?

She cheated, pure and simple. It's been a burning hole in my chest since I found out. Wasn't getting a divorce the next step? Isn't that what people do? I've never been hurt so deeply by another person before. Bella said that losing the baby messed her mind up so bad she couldn't tell what she was doing. I can understand that, I've been in a daze since she told me. I can only imagine what she felt like inside; knowing but being unable to tell me. She hid away from the others so it's not like she had anyone to talk to, not even Emmett and my father; the ones who did know.

All that time she spent carrying around that amount of pain, and on top of it all she was afraid, of me. She had no reason to be. If she had been straight forward with me from the beginning we wouldn't be where we are now. Undoubtedly, I would've been shocked to know the baby was mine but, not as shocked because I would've known in the early stages of her pregnancy. I would've stood- and did stand by her like any man should do if he impregnated any woman. But I didn't just impregnate _any_ woman. I procreated with _the_ woman I was in _love_ with for two years; not that I knew it at the time.

The thinking, guessing and wondering made me go back to the night of our ridiculous fight. I left to get her what she wanted and she went after me. Bella fell down those fucking stairs. I should've let it go, I should've just listened to what she wanted even though I know she told me she changed her mind just so I would stay. The baby was already lost before she fell but still, it disturbs me knowing that she was hurt and she never told me. We should've been together. I should've been with her. We should've been able to grieve together, instead of separately suffering independently. I started to question if she didn't tell me about the accident and the baby because she thought I wouldn't believe her; that I would believe her bullshit empty threats during our fight over her explanation of what really happened if she had just come to me. That's what she was afraid of?

When I made it home my father showed me something that opened my eyes wider than ever before; so wide it was as if I had been walking around blind until that moment. But it was needed, heart wrenching and satisfying. It set me on my path.

…**. …. … …. … …. … … … …**

**BPOV**

To my knowledge those papers were never filed. I think I would've heard something by now if they had. I told Rose about the divorce when she came to the hospital after Edward called her. She kept saying that Edward would come back after he had some time. Even when she stayed with me at home and helped me recover, and repeatedly telling her Edward wasn't coming back, she still kept up hope. It's been six months. I've missed him terribly. The house is so quiet and I can't stand it. Rose is due any day now, and from what she told me; not that I give a shit, Alice, had a baby girl almost two months ago. If things were different I might've gone to see her. But given the divisions in the family, I wasn't sure it would be okay. Another thing, which I didn't even tell Rose about, was being around a baby. _Living_ and breathing. An experience I was stripped of for unknown reasons. I wasn't sure how I'd react or feel if I did go, so I felt safer being away.

The others know I'm pregnant; it slowly got leaked down the line from Rose to Emmett to Jazz and so on. I only see Rose and Emmett. I imagine Jazz and Alice are busy with the baby so, whatever. It doesn't really matter. I don't need people congratulating me for getting knocked up by the same man who is now leaving me.

Esme, as mad as I was at her, must've knocked some sense into me. I've never worked a Friday before, but I welcomed the change. Angela took pity on me and switched days after Alice fucked shit up for me. One fine Tuesday after Angela finished training me and let me work the counter while she worked in her back office. The day was going pretty well.

**(FB)**

I felt so fortunate to have stumbled across Angela while job hunting up and down the most active area of Forks. It was just one street that had small shops and eateries on both sides. Since I never really worked anywhere before; besides the random days I helped in Edward's office, I was turned away almost immediately. Angela was different. The first thing I told her was that I had no work experience but was looking for anything she'd be willing to give me. Angela's response was, "_How does anyone expect people to get experience if no one is willing to hire the inexperienced?"_ See? She's amazing right? She hired me, trained me during the week after the shop closed and in the mornings before the shop opened on the weekends. There wasn't much too it, she did most of the baking and decorating of her signature items, while I did the classic treats like: chocolate chip, peanut butter cookies, brownies and making a variety of coffee drinks. I helped bake on the weekends usually, weekdays, I just worked the counter serving customers, placing their selections in those thin, pink cardboard boxes.

I felt proud of myself for securing a job, and for actually being useful and doing well at it. The bells on the bakery door jingled, signaling a new customer entered the store. I was in the middle of making a cappuccino for another customer and having a bit of trouble trying to get the milk to foam properly.

I called over my shoulder to them as I continued to finish with the drink, "Hi, I'll be with you in just a second."

I guess they were unpleased since I heard the most disgusted scoff come from the customer.

"Are you kidding me? Out of all the places you've could've worked, you just had to choose here didn't you."

I whipped around sloshing some of the drink on it's saucer as I turned to hand it to the customer who ordered it when my eyes met the cold hard glare of Alice. It had only been about a month since that fateful day at her house. She was wearing a white flowy top and couldn't see how far along she was exactly. Rose wasn't a gossiper and I had no worries of Alice finding out I was pregnant too. I wasn't exactly scared that Alice was here, just surprised and a little irritated. It's not like she could say anything. I was supporting myself, Edward was gone doing his own thing now, whatever that was in New York; I wasn't bothering anyone. I was annoyed but decided to ignore her disgust and treat her just like any other customer.

"Can I get you anything, or do you need more time to look around?"

"No, I'll have to go somewhere else to find what I'm looking for."

I gave her a sickly sweet smile; mostly because she was leaving and wouldn't be coming back, "Alright then, you have a nice day."

Alice got pissed and slammed her fist down on the counter.

"Damn it Bella, is this some kind of joke to you? Don't you give a shit what you did to Edward?"

I was not about to spill the ins and outs of my life out here in this bakery, least of all talk to Alice about it. It was none of her business.

"Alice, muster up all the decency you can-which I'm sure isn't much- and leave before my boss comes out here."

"No. Screw that. I'm _truly_ sorry that you lost the baby, really I am. But how could you _cheat_ on him, after all he's done for you?"

"I didn't ask him to do any of the things he did."

"No, but you still allowed it! You accepted it from him, lead him on, let him believe he was doing something meaningful. Let me fill you in on a little something about Edward, he likes to fix things. He wants to heal the wounded because it's in his nature to do so. He's _kind_ and considerate and loving. He wants things to work out and have a happy ending. He doesn't like to witness misfortune. In all the time I've known him I've never seen that man try to do so many rights for just one person. Do you know why? Because he _loved_ you. He loved you so much his eyes were crossed."

"Get _out_."

I don't care how right she was, I didn't have to listen to her and this was hardly the place to have this conversation. I didn't need to be humiliated in front of-the now absent- customers or my boss.

"It's hard to hear the truth after lying for so long, isn't it?"

"Is there something I can get for you?"

Angela's voice behind me made me jump but I kept my eyes on Alice. _Fuck you Alice, just…fuck you._ If I looked away I was going to cry and I couldn't let her see that.

"Thanks but no, I was on my way out."

Alice left with a scowl on her face. I blinked when the door closed and the stupid bells jingled again. I exhaled sharply, and immediately felt my eyes well up. I quickly tried to brush it off and go back to work, wiping down the counter with a rag. I was too ashamed to turn around and face Angela. God only knows how much she heard.

Angela gently ran her fingers through the back of my hair, "Bella, are you alright honey?"

I cleared my throat hoping I wouldn't sound like I was holding back tears and shrugged as nonchalantly as I could, "I'm so sorry about losing one of your customers. It won't happen again."

She put her hand on my shoulder and carefully turned me to face her, "I don't care about that. I care about _you._ What happened?"

I wiped at a fallen tear, "What did you hear?"

Her sorrow filled eyes told me she heard everything. I couldn't be mad at her, but I was really embarrassed.

"She's one of my husband's best friends…we're getting divorced so..."

"Oh Bella, I'm sorry."

I shrugged. It was one of those things I just had to learn to accept.

Angela pulled me around the counter, grabbing a stack of cookies from the bakery case as she led me to the small booth nestled in the corner of the bakery.

"I don't give a shit about losing customers. Bella, if there's anything you need, ever, even if it's something from the case because you're having cravings or you need to sit down, don't ask, just do it."

**(Present)**

I was glad it was Friday. I only worked half days on Saturday, and Sunday the bakery was closed. It slow so Angela said she'd stay and finish some paper work and I could lock up the front and leave early. It was only an hour but it was nice. The most I would make of that hour would be to buy another outfit for the baby. It would have to be something neutral since I opted not to know if it was a boy or a girl. I wanted to surprise myself the he or she was born; something to look forward to. All the check-ups have been positive, everything was healthy.

Edward was sending me checks every month. None of them were ever under ten-thousand. I never touched a penny of it. Instead, I deposited it into a savings account for the baby. I didn't need his money. I was determined to make it on my own with what I earned at the bakery. Angela paid me an absurd hourly rate as it was. Edward's money would've been handy for buying the crib I spied a few weeks ago but if I save a few of my checks I'd be able to get it.

I was learning, and doing it on my own. If I failed, it was because of me. If I succeeded, then it was because of me. I was growing up.

I decided not to go shopping and made plans for going home and soaking in the tub. It made me smile when the baby kicked. The warm water always got him to be playful and wiggle in my tummy. My heart was excited and scared at the same time. However I was still afraid of _having_ a baby. I guess that was because there weren't any secrets to be had with this pregnancy. I swore that I'd never have or even come within arms length of another child. I still thought of my first baby, that was natural. It hurt, but it felt good to remember her as well.

Excited to have some play time in the tub with baby, I locked up the bakery and headed down the street toward the parking lot behind the block of shops. As I dug my keys out of my bag and rounded the corner I collided with someone's shoulder. I stumbled back slightly dropping my keys, not from the force but from slight jostle.

"Oops, excuse me."

I expected to hear a similar apology from the other party but when I stood up from retrieving my keys I caught a flash of Edward's stunned eyes just before he turned his head forward never stopping his stride. I looked next to him and saw Jazz glancing between me and Edward looking stocked and appalled, but not at me; at Edward. Jazz looked like he was about to stop and check on me himself; I could see it in his shoulders as they struggled to turn around or keep up with Edward.

He never did.

He gave me a quick apologetic look and stayed shoulder to shoulder with Edward as they crossed the street. As they entered the bar, just before the door closed behind them, I'm absolutely positive that I saw a women jump out of the shadows and wrap her arms around Edward.

**… … … … …. …. …. … … …**

I rubbed my growing tummy and perched my feet on the edge of the coffee table in front of me, mimicking Rose's same relaxed position. I was hanging out at her house today; she was on maternity leave from the hospital but today was Saturday which meant Emmett was also home. It wasn't a bad thing and I didn't care that he was. I've recently adapted the mantra of "fuck everything" and just told myself to focus solely on taking care of myself and get things ready for when the baby came. I knew in my heart Edward was not the kind of man to turn away from responsibility, especially with how much love he showed for our first baby- that he was told wasn't even his by my stupid ass- it didn't phase him. Edward loved kids.

The last time I saw him in that hospital room, he said he _couldn't do this again with me_. I know him well enough to know his words had nothing to do with the baby. It was me he didn't want to deal with anymore, me he was sick of, me he was turning his back on; which I had caused. I wanted to talk to Carlisle about making a schedule for when Edward and I would alternate sharing the baby. _Sharing,_ the thought made me sick.

"Any kicking?" Rose asked, rolling her head against the couch cushion to look at me, placing a hand on my stomach.

"No, still sleeping I think." I left my head fall back against the cushion. Rose slid her hand across my tummy, taking my hand in hers and placed it on the cushion between us, using her thumb to stroke the back of it. It was so funny to think back to when she hated me, and to fast forward to now, we became so close.

"I can get Emmett to make more chips." Her eyes got huge, like hopefully huge, that I'd say yes.

"Yeah, eating does waken them up a bit." We talked about this before, eating helped wake the little ones up. It was probably the same thing for all unborn babies. I hated that I compared this baby to my first baby, and vice versa. I noticed how this baby was a lot more active. I guess since I was so clueless the first time and had no fucking idea what I was doing, I wouldn't have known that the low inactivity was a bad sign. I felt so fucking guilty after that revelation hit me a few weeks ago. If I had known then, I would've done something. The thought that the baby was having complications since the beginning didn't help matter either. It made me feel terrible most of the time. I was trying to accept that _what was done, was done, _and there was no going back and had to move forward.

My eyes looked toward the coffee table and the empty nachos plate from earlier. To be honest I was jealous of Rose, Emmett was being really knowledgeable of her wants. He didn't even ask us if we wanted snacks, he just made them for us just because there were two pregnant women lounging around in his house. I know he would've been like this whether I was here or not, I just happened to be mooching off of Rose's benefits. Emmett's attention and caring made me think of Edward, he would've-and has done all those caring and attentive things before.

I guess Emmett heard Rose's hungry desires though, he came out of the kitchen and plopped down on the cushion between me and Rose with a grunt, making me and Rose bounce in our seats from his weight hitting the couch. Emmett cheerily ignored our annoyed sounds and made himself comfortable as he positioned a second plate of refried bean and cheese covered tortilla chips in his lap.

"Emmett you almost landed on me! You were this close," she threw her hand in his face showing him with her thumb and pointer finger "to having placenta all over the new carpet."

He was about to stuff a pile of chips in his mouth when she said that but paused when it registered, "Ugh, Rose, I'm eating."

Rose went to reach for one but Emmett swatted her hand, Rose looked thoroughly offended.

"These puppies are mine. I just spent the last fifteen minutes making a plate for you guys. It's not my fault you two are ravenous vultures who eat too fast."

Rose snapped her eyes to me, sending me a message I understood well. "Em, c'mon just share a couple." She made another attempt to steal a chip which Emmett blocked again with one hand and his other hand shifted the plate away from Rose's thieving fingers and right in front of my face. I quickly snatched up a few and shoved them into my mouth giggling. Emmett caught it a little too late and shifted the plate away from me, "Not cool Bells." As he did so, Rose took her chance and swiped some more off the plate laughing as well as she let a long strand of melted cheese lower into her mouth.

Emmett was exasperated, "Am I _really_ getting tag-teamed and blind-sided by two pregnant chicks right now?" He let his hands drop to the sides of his lap and sat there all sad and pathetic, completely giving up and leaving his plate unprotected. Rose and I both laughed harder and swiftly picked away at the chips.

"Don't mind me; I'm just trying to enjoy a leisurely afternoon snack after whipping up my wife and her best friend whatever they wanted _made-to-order_. But _please_ do continue, by all means."

Rose patted Emmett's miserably deflated chest, "Aww, baby we appreciate it." She shoved another smother chip in her mouth. I felt bad for him, Rose didn't have to care but I felt guilty since he was taking care of me today too. I grabbed a chip and held it up in front of his face.

"I'm sorry Emmett; you _have_ been really sweet to deal with us today."

He went to eat the chip in my hand but I jerked it away and tossed it into my mouth laughing.

Emmett turned devious. Yeah, it was widely known you don't mess with Emmett and food, but it's even better known that pregnant woman and food are thicker than blood. He threw the plate in Rose's lap, her eyes greedily bulged and started eating faster, Emmett attacked my sides and tickled me as I choked on my squeals and laughter.

"That was a really low blow Bella. You and Rose are making me cookies or some shit to make up for this kind of abuse."

I was about to respond but a surprised shriek came out instead as my hands immediately held my tummy. Emmett instantly stopped and became serious with panicked eyes.

"Are you alright? I'm sorry Bella; I didn't mean to be rough."

I shook my head quickly letting him know it wasn't serious. Rose got up and came to my side.

"Kicks. The baby's kicking." I couldn't help the excited smile that grew across my face. Of course the baby had kicked a thousand times before but no one was around during those. These I could share with Rose and Emmett. I placed Emmett's hand on my tummy where the kicks were and did the same with Rose. We waited a few beats for another kick and it happened.

Rose started to tear up, "Aww Bella, I can't wait to meet this little one." Her hand dragged around my stomach following the baby as it rolled around. Emmett did the same as he smiled, but then it slowly morphed into a smaller and disappointed one.

He shook his head and spoke quietly as he looked at me, "He should be here for this. He's missing so much."

"Emmett," Rose hissed at him lowly.

His eyes went to hers, "He should and you know it."

I didn't have to add my input. They knew I would have loved for Edward to be here for these special moments. I think it was the one thing that upset me most these days, missing out on the silly milestones: first recognizable sign of a bump, first official pregnancy craving, first kick, first hiccups, first scare because I dropped the hairdryer and made the baby jump. Just because he couldn't feel what I did, didn't mean I wanted to share them any less. It was fun going to him and sharing the news when he was there the first time. Even though this was another baby and the steps were the same, it still felt new to me. New, same, yet different.

**... … … … … … … … … … …**

Working in a bakery while being pregnant had it advantages. The pro was that I could eat any of the delicious treats in the case. The con was that cravings struck more often than I remembered and had to be dealt with immediately. Once I was boxing up a random selection a customer made and took a bite of a cannoli she chose right in front of her. I had no control over it, it just happened. It's not like I gave her the one I bit into, I gave her a new one. I showed her my little bump and she immediately brushed it off saying, "_I remember those days. I know how it is." _I simply smiled and nodded.

Today I was crouched down below the bakery counter stuffing my face with an assortment of cookies and iced petit-fours mentally crossing my fingers that a customer wouldn't come in and spoil this delicious moment. I think God likes messing with me, just as a sunk my teeth into a cream puff those stupid bells on the door to the bakery chimed. I quickly wiped off the crumbs from the front of my apron with one hand while trying to shove the last bit of puff into my full mouth.

"Craving always struck you hardest in the afternoons."

My head snapped in the direction of the voice that I knew so well, jumping to my feet. With clasped hands, leaning on the counter stood Edward himself. I swallowed down the rest of the food in my mouth, trying to be as discrete as possible. I felt incredibly flustered that he was so close and talking to me directly. His demeanor was nothing like what I experienced from the encounter when I first saw him after so many months. My hand immediately went to my stomach; the motion didn't go undetected by Edward. I pretended it was nothing, even though him noticing meant the world to me in this moment.

"You're in the wrong place. I believe what you're looking for is down the block and across the street."

Edward stood up straighter, moving his eyes from _my_ bump to look at me, "You took me by surprise... I wasn't expecting to see you... like that…so suddenly."

I didn't know what to say to that. I didn't want to be cordial and say that he had surprised me too. I wasn't in the mood to be agreeing with him about anything.

"You look better than when I last saw you," he scratched the back of his head with one finger and dumbly motioned his hand toward me, "the baby seems well too…"

"What do you want Edward, did I forget to _sign_ somewhere, is that what this is about?"

"No, I was just spending some time with a new friend. I was wondering if… you would like to meet her; Jazz says you haven't yet."

I turned away from him and busied my self with wiping up spilled coffee grinds from earlier.

"Are you fucking serious? I have _no_ interest in meeting your girlfriend Edward."

"My wh-...? No," he shook his head, "she's terribly cute but she's a little young for me."

I was losing my patience fast. He wanted come in here and joke off his girlfriend to me like it was nothing, like it would ease the heartache. He had no purpose being here, I don't know what the hell he was gaining from torturing me.

"Edward, get the hell out."

"What? Why are you getting so upset? I'm talking about-"

"I don't want you here, I want you to leave!" I pointed to the door as angry tears began to build up in my eyes.

He looked baffled. _Good._ That's how I felt when I discovered he was in town after running into him. I had to look away when he listened and turned to leave. I couldn't handle seeing him turn his back on me again, even though I made him do it. A part of me wanted him to fight me, to not give in so easily, or to say there was the tiniest shed of him that could still love the smallest part of me still.

He turned around to face me when he reached the door, "I meant Jane, Alice's baby girl. I don't know who you thought I meant…" He shook his head as he left, like he was trying to clear away the confusion between us. Now I felt stupid, really stupid and embarrassed. I just assumed.

**… … … …. … …. … ….. …. …**

I finally got the call at 1 a.m. Rose is having her baby. Much to my surprise, Emmett sounded relatively calm on the phone for a first time daddy. I was a bundle of emotions from the happiness for Rose and the hesitance I felt from having to face a room full of people that practically despised me, and one on his way to divorcing me.

Carlisle met me outside the hospital and walked with me up to the waiting room. I don't think I could be any more grateful for him, especially after what I put his son through, he was still here for me; he knew I'd be terrified of this day, in this moment. Carlisle was my protector, much like his son used to be.

I've only ever been around Emmett and Rose since being pregnant. I saw Carlisle once very briefly; he made a stop at my house before continuing on to see Alice and the baby. I had a bump but it wasn't too prominent; he noticed however, spoke very fondly of it. Proud to become a grandfather. Not that he wasn't already, my first child will _always_ count, it's just that he couldn't put his title to use; there was no child present to dote on. He tried talking me into going with him, but I wasn't ready for _that_. They haven't seen me this pregnant before. I have no idea how they'll react, if they'll react at all or care. I don't want their gawking eyes on me. At least I have my jacket on to hide most of it. I'm here for Rose and Emmett, it's their and their new baby's day; it has nothing to do with me.

I looked at Carlisle just before we entered through the double doors. He squeezed my hand in silent reassurance. I let him go in front of me so I could be slightly hidden as I walked in. I saw them before they noticed me. They sat in the left corner of the room in those cheap, uncomfortable hospital chairs oblivious to our entrance.

Alice, resting her head on Jazz's shoulder as he typed away on his phone with the baby sleeping in her car seat on the floor in front of them. Esme sat in the corner seat, speaking quietly to Edward who sat adjacent to her. Since they were the only ones in the room we didn't go undetected for long.

Esme noticed first, she stiffened in her seat and sat up straighter halting her conversation with Edward, the change in demeanor caused him to look our way. Then Alice and Jazz followed. I ignored all of their stares and took a seat at the opposite end of the row of chairs. Setting down my bag I took out a book and opened it to the page I left off from. Carlisle took the empty seat that separated the two couples and leaned over to whisper in Esme's ear.

It was painfully silent. I tried to not notice the exchange of flickering eyes from everyone. All of them having some kind of silent conversation with each other. As much as I didn't want to know, I could feel Edward's eyes on me, pleading for me to look his way, anything.

After a little bit, Alice and Jazz left since the baby was getting fussy. It was pretty late after. I guess the just wanted to make an appearance for Emmett and Rose. I was exhausted from working a full shift earlier and reading was starting to make me doze on and off.

"Is this seat taken?"

Edward stood before me with a blanket folded in his hands. I shook my head, I couldn't muster the words; afraid something different would come out. I didn't notice he got up, or that his parents had left. Edward sat down next to me and with shaky hands quickly unfolded his blanket and spread it across my lap. "It's a bit cold in here." As his hands smoothed out the blanket, the back of his knuckles brushed along the baby; the shaking in his hands disappeared completely, it calmed him. It calmed me too.

"It's so late, you should be home sleeping."

The look in his eyes and the softness of his voice showed his genuine concern. I was tired but I didn't want to miss out on Emmett and Rose's moment. I wanted to celebrate with them.

"I want to be here for them."

He nodded, and slid his hand up fully over my bump.

"Are you…_okay?_"

He asked one question, but it had a double answer. He wanted to know about me _and_ the baby. I decided to go with what would've been the more important one.

"They said he's fine. I know I'm smaller this time, but he's healthy."

He looked at me expectantly, waiting for the other half to his question. I ignored it and turned back to reading. His thumb stroked my bump one more time before settling back in his seat.

One minute I was reading, and the next I was blinking my eyes awake with my head resting on Edward's shoulder and my book sitting in his lap as he read. I sat up and rubbed my eyes. I looked past him and saw that his parents had also returned. Carlisle was resting his head on his fist, while Esme would discretely cut her eyes over to us every so many minutes.

"Good book. I like it so far."

He would. A young man unintentionally runs away with the circus, unexpectedly falls in love with a woman who jumped at an opportunity to escape her own life. He could relate, I could relate. We could understand. In some ways, we've lived it.

Emmett busted through the doors with the biggest smile I've ever seen and an all around glow. We all jumped to our feet in anticipation.

"She's here! Six pounds, four ounces of absolute beauty."

Hugs and congratulations were given. In my happiness and excitement I accidently reached out and squeezed Edward's hand. He smiled, but in the back of my mind all I saw was him leaving again, so to psych myself up wouldn't do me any good.

Emmett led us to Rose's room. I was starting to get antsy about being moments away from being with a brand new baby. I felt somewhat ok when Alice was here earlier with Jane and I wasn't all that close to her. Maybe this was a fleeting feeling. I could do this, for Rose.

As we entered, Rose was in bed, she looked spent but jubilant holding her new bundle. Emmett gave her a kiss and pulled me to her side and went to chat with the others. I was face to face with the greatest gift Rose and Emmett would ever know. My eyes started to water. I was so happy for her, but all I could taste was bitterness for the horrible twist that was my fate.

"Rose she's amazing."

"Yeah, I'm so proud. Just wait; this will be you in a few months."

I hope she was right.

"How do you feel?"

"Ugh, drained but never happier. What about you honey, did you stay here all night?" She reached up to touch the purple marks I knew were forming under my eyes.

"Of course I did. I couldn't miss this."

"Do you want to hold her?"

I knew she'd ask, but it scared me. She could understand the look on my face, the hesitance and the fear, how much she knew how I felt about all of this. "You don't have to."

I was happy for her and Emmett, and decided I wouldn't let any of my shit affect her special day. I smile and nodded. For six pounds she felt incredibly light. Her pink powder skin smelled so natural. I was glad the others had given me space and kept their distance. I couldn't stop staring at the little face in front of me. A thousand emotions hit me at once, overwhelming me. I felt anger and love, jealousy and happiness, pain and hope. My tears finally fell silently, I tried to conceal it by kissing the baby's hand and forehead, but I felt terrible when Rose noticed and stroked my arm consolingly.

I couldn't do it. I had to get out of here. I handed Rose the baby, worried my shaking arms would give out. I wrapped my arm around her neck and whispered in her ear through my tears.

"I love you honey, I'm so sorry…I'm sorry."

"No, it's fine. It's been a long day. Don't worry Bella, I'll call you tomorrow."

I walked over to Emmett and he immediately caught on to my distress, unfortunately the others were fixated on me as well. I didn't mean to ruin their big day or to make a spectacle of myself. On top of everything else, I felt incredibly embarrassed. I hugged him as tight as I could, trying to convey how sorry I was and not let a sob come out. Carlisle rested a comforting hand on my shoulder.

"She's beautiful…you're a daddy now."

I gathered up my things from one of the guest chairs and headed for the door. On the way out Esme attempted to comfort me as well by stroking her hand down my arm. I jerked away from her, she gasped in surprise from being turned down. She didn't have a right to do anything of the sort. I gave her a stern glare before walking out. Before the door closed behind me I could hear Carlisle say Edward's name. I didn't make it more than five steps before I heard heavier foot steps following behind me. They stayed with me until I made it to my car. When I threw my belongings in the passenger seat and buckled myself in, I finally looked out the windshield in front of me and saw Edward. He looked conflicted and torn, and I knew the feeling because I felt the same.

**…... ... ... ... ... ... ...**

I woke up angry, again. I'm not sure why, and I can cop out and say it's a culmination of everything that's making me angry. I know I don't want to feel this way. I want to wake up and have so many things be different, but I can't and that too makes me angry.

Carlisle came to visit me at the bakery. He said that I would always have their support if I needed help with the baby. And that Edward still loved me, and because it was so strong that it scared him in some ways. I know he meant well but it just made it that much harder. I didn't tell Carlisle that Edward and I literally bumped into each other or that he paid me a visit here at the bakery. I think Carlisle thought the first time we'd seen each other was at the hospital.

"I'm sorry for how Esme acted Bella, she told me what happened, the reason you're upset with her. She does want to set things right with you again."

"I cheated on your son Carlisle. I think the punishment didn't fit the crime. She had _every_ right...I deserved that and so much more."

"She was understandably hurt for Edward. However, even though she hasn't said it, I think she hurts a bit for you as well, for losing the baby. Nothing will repair an ache as deep as that and I think that's what gives her trouble; that anyone would have to hurt that way."

"Edward loves you. I think he's upset that you didn't go to him when you really could've used his support. You two were so incredibly close before, he couldn't understand why you'd keep it from him."

"We're getting divorced Carlisle. Tell me again how much he _loves_ me."

"Yes, he did tell me that. I've talking to him about it."

"I don't need you forcing him to stay here or making him feel guilty. That's his choice to leave if this isn't what he wants. I made a deal with him over those papers, that if he flew in from New York I'd sign them…I-I thought if I could see him I'd be able to try and explain…if he'd just listen. It was stupid but I had to try. I never meant to hurt him Carlisle, you have to know that."

He scooted over on the booth and held me, "I know you didn't mean to sweetheart. You weren't _intentionally_ trying to hurt him, even though in the end you did."

"I didn't want to lie to him, but I didn't want to hurt him either."

"Bella…there's someone I think you need to see."

* * *

**Next chapter will take longer, so please be patient. I don't know when it'll be done. But don't panic, I don't like making readers wait too long. I'm not cruel. **

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	23. Chapter 23

**5/22/2011**

**Thanks for your patience. This chapter is 15,141 words!**

**A lot of you will like it, and a lot of you will hate it.**

**Song for this Chapter: **

**The Scientist - Coldplay**

* * *

**Breakthroughs**

_In this life, there is no 'black and white, cut and dry.'_

**BPOV**

He's driven by the house on multiple occasions. His car is a dead giveaway, and he slows down every time he passes by. I can't imagine that many trips to Jazz's house are necessary. Once I just happened to glance through the curtains and saw him sitting there in his car for a good thirty minutes. Even from the distance he seemed to be conflicted over something. He's called a few times since the hospital, but I didn't want to get into it with him. There really was nothing to say. I talked to Rose; she was so forgiving towards me. I still felt that she shouldn't have been; having an almost break down and sucking all the joy out of her day. I went to visit her once she was at home with the baby. Rose named her Victoria; she was three weeks old now. Rose was amazing. She seemed so natural and knowledgeable about her own child. She knew what to do, what not to do, when and when not to do. I hoped to have that same ability when my time came. We gushed over all her baby clothes and pretty much played dress up the whole afternoon. I never held her but I was managing well with just soft touches. Baby steps.

Rose had no shame when it came to breastfeeding. I mean, that's great that she's so comfortable with flashing me, but, I think I would die from mortification if I did it in front of other people. Besides having your breast semi-exposed, breastfeeding just seems like such an intimate thing, a private time to bond. I'm terrified of having to do it. I'm scared of being with my own child for any amount of time at all. I feel so fucking awful for it. I shouldn't feel any of those things towards this baby, but I do, and I'm so angry because it's not the babies fault. I doubt every thought I have about being a parent.

Today, I'm in the backyard planting flowers in the little garden I made enjoying the warm sun and earthy breeze that lightly gusts around my hair. I haven't been out her long at all and it's quite refreshing. I have to sit against the side of my hip while I plant since my stomach is starting to hinder things more and more everyday. I don't see it as a negative. It makes happier knowing the baby is growing.

Before I came out I noticed Edward's car once again parked out front. However, he was parked in the driveway this time and not at the curb of the house. I figured if he ever made it to the door, I could play off not answering since I was out here, unaware that anyone was at the door. That wasn't true though. I could hear those things, from the backyard, just like I heard his car door close about ten minutes ago. I wasn't really gardening anymore; my hands were just sifting the dirt while my ears focused on the alternations between the door bell and knocking on the front door.

It wasn't until the door bell and knocks were replaced with rubber soled shoes tapping against polished wood floor and a voice calling my name that I got up and made my way to the tree line at the end of the yard. I know I need to just get this shit over with, because like it or not, Edward will always be someone I will see on a daily basis when the baby is here; it's something I know I will have to accept very soon. I _should_ accept roll over and accept it this minute because it'd make what's coming that much easier. It's confusing and hurts. But I'm still me, and some things won't change no matter how much I've tried. The baby isn't here yet, so I still have time to duck and dodge when I want. I managed to take one step into the trees just in time when I heard to back door off the kitchen creak open.

**EPOV**

I've tried. I really did. I did my best to give her time to herself, but at the same time let her know I was going to be here for her, whether she chose to call upon me or not was going to be her decision. I wasn't going to force myself into her life is she wasn't willing to allow me to be there. So many things needed to be worked out before the baby came, and as patient as I was trying to be, I was running out of time. The baby is due in about two months and hardly anything has been resolved between us. The day we unexpectedly ran into each other was not how I wanted our first meeting to be. It was so unfortunate. I was taking Jazz out for a celebratory drink on the arrival of his new baby girl, Jane. It was belated but nevertheless, we could still celebrate. I never could've imagined that I'd run into her. I wasn't prepared. Absolutely stunned, I couldn't find a word to say. I just kept walking and before I knew it I was inside the bar.

I was immediately struck by another surprise when Charlotte threw her drunken arms around me. She said she was wondering where I had been and that she missed me. Charlotte was the one person I could confide in about my life because she wasn't an insider. She could see it from another angle as someone that had no ties with the family; her opinion wasn't biased because she wasn't taking sides with anyone. But a lot has happened and I haven't seen her in months. Charlotte quickly kissed my cheek and skipped over to another man sitting at the bar. Jazz immediately tore into me about Charlotte and what happened outside with Bella. I explained Charlotte was just an acquaintance and that what happened outside with Bella, I was unprepared for.

Carlisle said I should let Bella come to me if she needed anything, but that too was difficult. Sending those checks were the only sort of security I could give her while I sorted out my shit and got my act together. Thanks to my father it didn't take that long; just a few weeks. I'm staying with my parent's. The apartment, I still own but its' had a tenant since we moved out. It better this way, living with my parents means I'm closer to Bella. The months I spent in New York were wasted. Had I not been so angry and talked with Carlisle sooner and let him straighten me out, I could've been with Bella the whole time. Now, I'm seven months behind.

I thought maybe since Bella knew I was back in town again after our run in, I could finally get the ball rolling between us. After talking with Rose about how I should approach Bella and when was a good time, she also broke the news that Bella had been working in a bakery in town for months. I was surprised at first, then a little bit angry that she was working while pregnant. Well, okay, maybe it wasn't anger, but definitely concerned. She didn't have to work since she was getting my checks; which she was stubbornly _not_ using, and I didn't want her exhausting herself. Out of all of that though, I felt proud of her. Bella was becoming Bella again. Strong and bold, like she once was.

Surprising her at the bakery didn't go like I thought it would. I didn't have any expectations going in, but I never would've thought that it would've turned out like it did. I thought if anything she'd give me the chance to explain things about why I was back and what I wanted for the two of us but I didn't get that far, she wouldn't let me. Somehow it ended with Bella thinking I wanted her to meet my _girlfriend_ and kicking me out. I would've fought harder to stay and talk to her but I had to remind myself that I was going to let her decide and call the shots. I couldn't have her getting worked up and upset anyway. I didn't know how she got the assumption that I had a girlfriend, but then it dawned on me how I didn't clarify that I meant baby Jane was the cuter and younger new friend of mine. I was such an idiot. I made sure I set Bella straight on that.

Being with her in the waiting room was painful. Carlisle was the only one she would let near her, understandably. I wanted to say so much but the time just wasn't right. When she fell asleep and rested her head on my shoulder I said a prayer. A prayer for her, for our baby and for us. That we could make it work, we could be good again.

I was nervous for Bella when we went to see Rose and the baby. Knowing that Bella never spent much time with children during her life, and the fact that she didn't meet little Jane as a warm up to start with made this difficult for me. I wanted to tell her to not push herself to prove something, I knew she could be an excellent mother but sometimes I think she uses moments like this to punish herself for something she wasn't at fault for. My heart nearly tore apart when I saw that holding little Victoria was too much for her. I had hoped it wouldn't be like that for her; that seeing the baby would give Bella new sense of hope in herself and that being a mom wasn't a tragedy. I followed silently behind Bella through the hospital and to her car. I wanted her to know I would be right there for her, if she'd just let me. I told my father that night that he needed to do for Bella, what he did for me. Help her see what I did. That _we_ had to move on and forward.

I was back to working at the office here in Washington. I knew Jazz was going to be taking some time off when the baby arrived and that was fine with me. I know he would've done the same for me. I've spending a lot of time visiting with Rose and Emmet and Alice and Jazz. I was trying to get myself mentally and physically aquainted with the idea of becoming a father. Emmet and I aren't exactly on the best terms, but he keeps it quiet, though we both know it's there. Most visits I think he only lets me in the house because of my intentions. I've been around little Jane of course. The two girls are months apart, and I've noticed that as they grew certain things that were once easy, became a little more difficult and vice versa. Rose told me on the sly that Bella talked to her about breastfeeding, and that she sensed Bella was apprehensive about it. I felt thankful for that piece of information because I certainly wasn't getting anything from Bella. I was happy to know she was seeking advice and opinions about anything baby related.

We haven't even spoken about the baby and that's what I wanted to broach with her today. I was fine with giving her space and not pushing or forcing her, but I needed confirmation on this. I was done waiting. I had to know what we were going to do. I knew what I wanted to do, but I knew nothing about what she wanted.

It took me a few weeks of passing by and sitting in my car debating if it was a good time to see her. I had no clue what her work schedule was like. But her car was here, so here I am, standing at the front door and knocking, wanting her to open the door, open up to _me_. I considered leaving after a few minutes of knocking, thinking maybe she was taking one of her pregnancy naps, but I knew if I left now, I would just take longer to make decisions and get answers. I was growing agitated and worried the longer I waited. I probably shouldn't have but I used the house key that I never left with Bella the night she signed the divorce papers to open the door. It wasn't a crime to be concerned.

Searching through the rooms downstairs, calling her name, checking the kitchen last before I headed upstairs, I saw movement out one of the windows looking out into the backyard.

I stepped out onto the porch just as I saw her arm and shoulder disappear into the trees at the edge of the yard.

She was hiding from me.

I didn't bother calling for her. I headed after her, wanting to know were she was going, why she was hiding.

I followed, keeping her just in sight in front of me. All I could see was her hair down her back and the ivory of her arms and legs from mid calf to her bare feet; and her pink dress as is splashed against the brown and moss green surroundings as she quickly weaved into the woods. A few times I lost sight and had to pick up my pace to see her.

The tree became sparse the further we went, and eventually opened up to a hollowed out field with nigh-high grasses growing all around. I stopped at the edge but Bella walked on and made it to a particular spot and sat down with her back towards me, the grass now rising to her shoulders and hiding her amongst it as she tilted her head towards the very rare open blue sky. I thought about turning back and leaving her alone again, but then figured the serene setting would give us a chance to speak candidly.

I let out a quiet breathe before taking a hesitant step towards her. A breeze picked up, rushing through the grass in waves. The crack from a lone twig under my foot made me freeze and Bella's head snap to the side but not facing me. I wasn't trying to be sneaky, but I was trying to be delicate by not trying to spook her either; like a wild animal. She turned forward again, ignoring me and back to brushing her palm across the tops of the grass.

I walked until I was just a few feet behind her, thinking what to say first, since it was obvious she had been avoiding me since the hospital and her actions today proved it.

"I could have you arrested for trespassing, you know. This _is_ my property."

I squat down in my place while running a hand through my hair. I could tell by her tone that this is going to be difficult.

"We need to talk."

She angles her head so that she is looking at me from the corner of her eye but at the same time not looking at me.

"And you felt that that meant coming all the way out here?"

"You weren't answering my calls."

I was met with silence.

I moved from behind her to in front of her and knelt down on my knees. It's been a few weeks since I've seen her. Her tummy was noticeably bigger. Bella still was avoiding making any eye contact with me.

"This conversation has to happen, Bella. I need to know what to expect in terms of the baby, what your plans are, and I want to solve some issues preferably _before_ the baby arrives."

She let out a very annoyed huff. "I don't have any answers for you. I can't predict how things will be after the baby comes."

Bella got up and brushed off the back of her dress of loss grass. I rose as well, letting her know I was not going to let her just walk away.

"That's another conversation. I need you to tell me how this is going to work. What you want from me, what I should do. God, knows you're not dulling out information and I'm not going to sit around and wait anymore, I'm done with that."

Bella's eyes finally snapped up to meet mine, "I'm not asking for you to do _anything_. I'm not asking anything from you either. So, just go back to New York."

Was she insane? This made me livid, but I had to keep myself restrained.

"Don't do that. Don't act like you don't know me, and how I am. I'm not just going to up and leave or ignore the fact that I have a child. You should know that better than anyone. Don't say shit just to say it."

Here we were, standing in a grassy field with our voices slowly rising and almost at the point of yelling at each other. I couldn't feet bad for it though, because at least we were talking, even if it was sometimes in circles.

"What the hell do you want from me, what do you expect me to do? I don't need your help when the baby comes."

"I swear to God, if you say that again…"

I was grinding my teeth, biting back from chewing her out. My hands were about to pull out clumps of hair from my temples. I had to take a deep breathe before starting again.

"I want you to let me stay with you so I can make sure you and the baby are ok, and that nothing happens along the way. It scares me to death to not know something like that. I want to figure things out. I want to figure _this_ out. Why can't you see that? I've been patient, I've been waiting for any sign from you that would tell me _anything_ about where I stand in all of this!"

Bella let out a silent laugh, "You left me! We're divorced, and now you expect me to welcome you back with open arms because we're having a baby?"

It hit me then, what she said. I never told her.

"Oh shit…Bella, we're not divorced."

Bella blinked at me. I didn't know what she thought about it. Did she want it to be final or was she relieved it that it wasn't? I couldn't stomach handing those papers in. I don't know how she was able sign them. I think I only got one signature of my own before I had to stop.

"Why not?"

I looked away from her, knowing I risked a lot bearing this to her, "I never asked you if it was what you wanted. I was so angry…I just wanted…wanted-"

"To hurt me…like I hurt you."

I said nothing, not wanting to verbally acknowledge the truth. We both knew that's what my intentions were. However good or bad my intentions were, at least should could always understand why I made the choices I did. I never kept anything from her, tried to hide or cover tracks. I was open for her to read. It was her I could never understand, her I could never follow.

"Do _you_ want it? I co-could still…"

There was a moment of silence between us. I couldn't finish my sentence but she understood what I was offering. She could do whatever she wanted, I wanted her to have an option.

"You know what, Edward?" Bella sighed and rubbed her palms down her face. "It doesn't matter. You do whatever you want, whatever it is that would make you feel comfortable in this situation. I don't know what else to tell you. I'm done with having to do _this_ every time. I'm not going to deal with it anymore. It's your decision."

Bella turned away and began walking back towards the house. I stood there a few moments before I slowly followed behind, letting her words sink in. I managed to catch up to her half way through our walk, but I didn't open my mouth until I started to see the house peeking through the trees ahead of us. I always wanted to know the answer to this question; even as she was walking down the isle dressed in white, I wondered why, what made her change her mind, but for some reason felt safe to ask it here under the tall trees.

"Why did you say yes, Bella?"

She came to a slow stop and turned her head to look at me with a puzzled expression.

"I mean… was it because… you felt like you _had_ to?"

She tilted her head and looked around her, contemplating her answer.

"No…I didn't have to."

* * *

Bella said I could do what I wanted. And she really did mean it, but I made sure to check with her before I did anything. I meant what I said as well, I wanted to be as close to her in case she needed anything; or if something happened and I wasn't there. Alice was down road, but even then it would still take time for her to get here if something happened. I knew I couldn't be too forward in asking for what I wanted because I didn't want to take away any new confidence and independence Bella gained from being on her own. I was proud of her for it, and maybe even a bit jealous because it wasn't something I could give her.

Since my visit at the house, we started talking. I usually was the one that was doing the actually calling, but that was ok. It didn't matter who extended their hand first, just as long as a connection was trying to be made. At first, we mostly talked about how our days were, sharing little trivial things. I wanted to jump into talking about the baby and how we were going to be doing this together without us actually being together. I may have wanted her, but didn't show any signs of wanting me. In conversation I started to mention the tiniest things just to keep her on the phone longer. I noticed she would do the same.

As Bella's due date got closer, I was starting to get pressure from my family to find a way for them to set things right with Bella again. I wanted everyone to be close again, but I wasn't going to ambush Bella and make her deal with my family; that wasn't my decision. I let Bella know how my family was feeling but that there was no pressure to do anything if she didn't want to. She admitted that what happened with Alice and Esme was difficult for her and it wasn't something she was ready to deal with since she had bigger things to worry about; namely the baby.

It took about a week to get the guts to ask Bella about a two ideas I had. I called her up to talk about it, but instead of talking over the phone she wanted me to come to the house. Bella opened the door with a brief "Hi" and a smile, wearing her bakery shirt that was stretched over her belly, quickly trying to throw her hair up into a pony tail and scuttling into the kitchen before I could say anything. The best part was that she seemed happy. I followed behind her and found she was making lunch for two and already had plates and glasses set at the table.

"Have a seat, I'm making grilled cheese," she looked over her shoulder at me from where she stood at the stove and wiggled her eyebrows when she said cheese.

"You're not working today, are you?"

"Huh? Oh! No, but Angela called and said she's making Apple Turnovers in a little bit. I've been craving them for _days._ She's going to show me how to make them. I'd do it here but I don't want to mess up the kitchen."

I had to laugh. It reminded me of the time I went to see Bella at the bakery and she was stealing bakery confections then as well. Apparently, she was becoming more desperate these days. I also think it's the cutest fucking thing she's ever said. I read about this in one of those baby books. I think they called it "nesting". Bella came over with a plate piled high with grilled cheese's, she gave me three with a smirk because she knew these were my favorite, and gave herself one. This was a nutritionist's nightmare but didn't have the heart to tell Bella she shouldn't be eating grilled butter and fake orange cheese. Noticing the difference in serving sizes I put another sandwich on Bella's plate.

"There won't be any room for turnovers later."

I shook my head at her and bit into my sandwich, "There'll be room. Just eat it."

"Hardly, I have a baby taking up too much space."

"Speaking of, I was wondering if I could do something but wanted to check with you before I did anything."

"What is it?"

"I know you already have things picked out, and you can continue to decorate it however you want, I'll do whatever you say, but I was wondering if I could…like do it for you? Paint and put the crib together, stuff like that. I want to do something for you and the baby."

"Wow. Um, yea that'd be fine. I wasn't expecting that." Bella let out a nervous laugh.

"You can say no if you want. It was just an idea I had, you don't have to go along with it."

"No, I think it's great. The guest room is going to be the new baby's room."

"Guest room?"

"Oops, I mean my room. Well, my old room. I'm in the master now." Bella was getting flustered and red. It was a little funny.

"When do you think I can start? We're getting low on time."

"Oh, whenever you want I guess. I have some stuff sitting in there, but I'm going to have to show you another time. I got to get going."

I helped Bella clean up lunch and got ready to leave. I made my way to the door, and Bella made her way to the stairs making only to the third one before I stopped her.

"Bella, what are you doing?" I quickly stepped over to her in a near panic, gently grabbing her elbow, helping her back down the steps.

"I have to get my purse from my room, Edward." She looked at me like I was crazy.

"No, no, tell me where it is and I'll get it for you."

Bella was going to complain but I was already half way up the stairs.

"It should be hanging on the back of the door knob."

I poked my head around the door looking for the bag and was surprised to the what Bella had been up to while I was gone. She painted like we planned. I also saw inside the baby's room on my way back to Bella. It had bags of stuff on the floor just inside.

Handing Bella's bag to her, I couldn't keep my mouth shut.

"It's not lilac, I'm relieved."

Bella rolled her eyes, "You didn't affect my color choices."

Bullshit.

"Hey, I know you got to go but would it be alright if I stayed and checked out the stuff you got for the baby's room? I won't be long, promise."

I'm lying.

"Uh, yea, just lock up before you go."

"Thanks, I will. Drive safely."

"O_kay_, Edward."

Bella's back was to me as she stepped out the door, but I could tell by the way she said okay that she was rolling her eyes. I wanted to kiss her smart mouth.

I did go through the stuff she had for the baby, but it was mostly clothes. She had a few magazine pictures with circled things she wanted, like furniture styles. I would have to talk it over with her about what she decided on. I told her I was going to be quick, but the truth was, I was waiting for her to come back home.

How could I have been so stupid?

Why didn't it occur to me before now?

Stairs.

She's seven months pregnant, living here by herself and climbing the damn stairs on a daily basis.

It was just a little over two hours when she did. I was waiting for her on the stairs when she came in the door.

"Hey, I saw your car still out there. I thought you'd be long gone by now."

"Bella, we need to talk."

"What is it?"

I patted the step next to me, silently telling her to come sit. I had to help her down since she was so pregnant. I think I would've given anything to lay my hands across my tummy, but the issue I was about to bring to her attention would only make asking her if I could feel the baby make it like I was tricking her. Bella looked at me expectantly, waiting to explain.

"Earlier today… with the stairs, it brought to my attention how uncomfortable I am with you being here alone. I mean, it shouldn't have taken me this long, but now that I'm here, I want you to know that I'd feel better if someone was here with you… if I was here with you…"

"Edwaaard." Bella groaned, leaning away from me to rest against the wall.

"Bella, please? I'll sleep on the couch, I'll stay in the shed, or on the floor in the office. I won't be in your way. I just want to know that you're ok. There's no way I can walk out of here now and not be in a constant mental state of panic, questioning myself if you've fallen or tripped or needed help every minute I'm not here."

I huffed out my frustration rubbing my hands over my face. Today really scared me.

"We talk everyday on the phone. Why would you have to stay with me? I'm fine."

"Well I'm not fine. I don't like you being here by yourself. We wouldn't have to talk on the phone if you'd let me stay here. Plus, I could get work done on the baby's room. I'm going to be here every minute when the baby's born anyway, so saying no now is just fighting the inevitable."

"You're not going to stop until I say yes, are you?"

"Yes. But it's not about me getting my way, or trying to take away your freedom and interfere. I just have to know that you _and_ the baby are safe."

"I don't know where you're going to sleep."

I immediately pulled her to me and hugged her. She had no idea what a relief this was to me.

"I'll sleep anywhere you tell me. On the roof if I have to."

"Edward, don't be stupid. You can sleep on the couch in the office."

Bella laughed as I gave her one last squeeze and a kiss on the cheek. As I was helping her walk up the stairs to her room for a late nap, I asked her why she was being so malleable with me, instead of fighting me at every twist, turn and corner.

"There's no use in fighting it. I'd be more stressed if I did. Doing it this way, even though I may not like it one hundred percent, it's easier I guess. The problems between you and me…I don't…It's not fair that you have to deal with me because you want to be closer to the baby. I'm trying not to get in the way of that."

* * *

Moving in was easier than I could've imagine. I had a few of my things that remained back in New York packed up and shipped, while the few boxes of clothes Jazz packed for me when I first left this house were being stored at my parents house. There really wasn't much, mostly clothes and a few things from the office.

Bella took it in stride, seemingly. I was quietly waiting for the other shoe to drop. But all I could do for was wait and see how everything goes. I could tell she didn't want to agree to this move, but knew I'd want to be close to the baby after the birth. And yeah, she was fighting an inevitable thing and we both knew it, so here I am. I'm back in the house I had once envisioned Bella and I raising a family together. Regretfully, this family was a broken one.

I went back to working at the office with Jazz. Bella still went to the bakery. I wanted her to stay home her last few months but kept my mouth shut about it. She was undertaking a lot just by letting me move back in. I made her promise that she wouldn't go upstairs without me until I got home. There was a bathroom downstairs, she had the kitchen and she had her choice of sleeping on the couch in the living room or in the office; which was my bed, if she wanted or needed to take a nap. Bella let me put my clothes back in their previous spots in the dresser and in the closet, although, she was _very, very_ reluctant to do so.

Bella and I an interesting time putting together the baby's room. I didn't think she'd want to repaint the since just finished doing it herself not too long ago. Turned out that she did, and she spent about a week deciding on two shades that were exactly the same to me, but she felt were completely different. Bella wanted my opinion on what shade to pick and when I gave it, she chewed me out, saying I wasn't taking it seriously and that I was only trying to get her to decide faster so we could move on. Then there was the Sunday afternoon she spent barking directions of how to put together the crib, telling me I was doing it all wrong; that was a _blast._ I only did what she read off to me from the instruction manual, if it was wrong, it wasn't because of me. God knows you can't tell her that though.

Yeah. Did I ever tell you about those hormones of hers? I love them, and I hate them. I've been down this road with her before and I membered how much it amused and aggravated me the first time. It's amusing when she's doing her own thing and working herself up over nothing, watching her rant and rave from afar, but it's a different feeling when it's directly aimed at me.

**BPOV**

Poor idiot. He's trying so hard and all I did was yell at him. Is it really my fault he can't follow my instructions, or does he need his ears checked? If he'd listened that crib would've been done I've had my raging hormonal moments with him before when I was pregnant. But this was like a different level of hormone rage. Like sometimes, just looking at him, or seeing him breathe would be my breaking point. I think it's because I've never been this pregnant; a few days past the eight month mark.

I didn't know whether to be excited or scared. Anything or nothing could happen. I still had doubts that I could be a mom, let alone a good one.

Doctor appointments were always positive. Edward went with me to hear the heartbeat since he was in New York the first time I heard it. The look on his face was precious. I've never wanted to give him this baby so badly. He never took his eyes off the screen until the technician turned it off. I gave him the pictures from the sonogram. He carries them in his wallet next to the ones from our first pregnancy, he said he flashed them all over the office, said everyone was excited, which was sweet of them.

It was really tough to let Edward move in. I was trying to cope with having a baby, but to add seeing him everyday after he had been gone for months was challenging. All the times I wanted to tell him no, the baby usually had the final say. It always boiled down to whether or not what Edward was asking for was to be closer and more involved with the baby. I didn't want to keep him away from anything like that. Not after everything.

He went grocery shopping yesterday, and made dinner tonight, all I did today was bark at him. Now my emotional and slightly guilty side is starting to come out. I was sort of lingering around the kitchen, contemplating how to approach him since he was watching TV in the living room. I ate dinner but my cravings for sugary things were always a must these days. I rummaged through the kitchen pilfering through possible treats. When I hit the freezer to check if there were any fudge ice cream bars from last week my guilt shot up to a new high. I guess I should've known he'd do something like this. I pulled the carton out and left the lid on the counter; knowing there wasn't going to be leftovers, grabbed a spoon and as casually as I could took a seat next to Edward on the couch.

He looked over at me, seeing what I had in my hands and had the damn nerve to smirk and look back at the TV. I took a few bites and pretended to watch what was on. I could tell by the way he was twisting a section of hair around his finger that he wasn't paying attention to what was on either.

"You remembered."

Edward kept his eyes forward but responded by nodding. "How could I forget, it was your guys' favorite."

I scooped up some ice cream on the spoon and leaned over holding it an inch from his half pouty lips as an apology.

"I'm sorry for yelling."

He looked at me and half smiled eating the bite I offered him, "I know you are."

I scooter closer to lean against him and pulled my feet up to my side. Edward took the container and spoon from me pulling a reverse on me, he started feeding me ice cream. I would've complained but this was my favorite flavor of Ben & Jerry's and my hands weren't going to freeze from holding the container.

"The baby thanks you…and I thank you. He'll love the crib you put together for him."

Edward looked contemplative as he scooped more ice cream. "You think it's a boy?"

My hands went to rub my full tummy. I didn't really think about having a boy or girl, I just wanted the baby to be healthy. But I have noticed how different this pregnancy felt. I couldn't be sure if that was because I was paying more attention this time or if having a boy and girl actually felt different.

"Tell me what you think first."

Edward licked his lips and trained his eyes on where my hands were.

"You're going to think that since I'm a guy that I'll think it's a boy because of it, but that's not it. I really feel like it's a boy."

"I don't mind that you think that…I think it's a boy too."

Edward set the ice cream down on the coffee table and pointed at my stomach.

"Would you let me…would it be alright if I touched?"

Shock washed over me in waves along with guilt. In an instant it dawned on me that Edward had never felt the baby, like really felt. Except the one time when we were waiting for Rose to have Victoria; which even then didn't count. It wasn't enough. This whole time he's never once stolen a touch or asked. But that was my fault. I never offered or acknowledged that he could touch his baby.

"Yeah, of course you can, of course." I sat up straighter so Edward could get a good all around feel if he wanted. I was so shocked that I was so heartless to have never of thought about it. Yet, how many times have I seen him look me as I touched my stomach throughout the days without a second, like it was nothing in front of him.

I'm a fucking bitch.

Edward looked hesitant as he brought his hands to my stomach. He slowly blew out a breath as they fully surrounded me. I couldn't help smiling as I watched his face. Feeling and discovering, like watching someone fall in love. He slowly started to move his hands all over, feeling around, adding pressure where he felt a bump in search of the outline of the baby. This used to be one of favorite things to do together last time I was pregnant. We'd lounge on the couch and feel the baby kick and roll until she stopped.

Edward didn't have the advantage of knowing where the baby was resting inside me, so I took his hand and slowly dragged it to where I felt the baby most and applied pressure to the top of his hand.

It only took a moment for the baby to wiggle and find more comfortable position. Edward's eyes filled with excitement as his face lit up, letting out a short laugh.

"I think I feel a foot," he said glancing up at me quickly and back to the baby. I stayed trained on Edward's reactions, any tiny twitch I noticed. His eyes were a little watery and I wish I hadn't of been so stupid to not thought of this before. It made me upset that he had waited this long for this moment with his own child. My voice was strained when I talked to him.

"Edward, I'm so sorry. You _never_ have to ask me if you can touch…just tell me, anytime you want, as often and as long as you want. I wouldn't say no."

He looked up from me but never moved his out from under mine.

"Yeah?"

I smiled at him, "Yeah."

* * *

I don't know why the hell I would ever agree to this. Edward said he was fine that I wasn't ready to deal with his family yet but I knew I had to do this eventually. The baby was due in less than two weeks. Now that I had agreed and there were a bunch of people in my house; two –_I'm not really sure if Jazz is a part of this, he just happened to be married to Alice-_ whom I haven't been in communication with for months, are all now gathered here in my living room, along with Victoria and Jane naturally.

They were all smiles when they arrived. Alice and Esme didn't even give me a chance to respond then they asked if they could feel the baby, they just did it any way. Rose did her best to keep them at bay. And Edward took care of the guys. Sometimes I wish I could've been a dude. They don't go through all this ruffled feathers bullshit like women do.

Edward wanted me to just move past this and he was absolutely right, but I didn't agree to it for me, I did it for him because I know he would like for his family to be around more. I know he missed them. I know that he'd love for us to all have those comforting family dinners again at Carlisle and Esme's but, things are just so different, maybe even too different to go back to that.

Rose came over a few weeks ago to see the finished baby's room, so I designated her to be the one that showed it to Esme and Alice, because you know, we know why I'm not doing it.

Edward was entertaining in the backyard with his dad, Emmett and Jazz. He took Carlisle on a tour of the house since he hadn't been inside before. I think Rose was being an angel and doing the same for Esme and Alice, since it seemed they've been upstairs awhile. And I was in the kitchen making a Chinese chicken salad I got from the internet. I was trying to keep busy I wouldn't have to be stuck in an awkward situation. Though, I wasn't worried about being with Carlisle, Rose or Emmett.

Alice came into the kitchen with Esme and Rose who went out the kitchen door to the backyard. Alice didn't go with them.

"The baby's room is so cute, Bella. It's looks good."

I guess I had to talk to her. "Thanks."

"Do you need any help with that?" She pointed to the vegetables and cutting board. I know she's trying and I really should be too, but there's something so _off_ about me today. I just need space.

I looked at her with apologetic eyes, shaking my head. "I think I'm good, Alice." I turned back to what I was doing.

She stepped next to me, holding a small rectangle box with adorable elephant and giraffe wrapping paper.

"You didn't have a shower…and you don't have to open it. I just wanted you to have it."

"Oh, thank you."

There was no point in opening it later. Alice's face looked like she wanted me to open it now, even though she didn't say it. She looked excited when I started pealing off the wrapping paper. In the center, surrounded by light green tissue paper were two little outfits. I laid them out on the counter so I could study them side by side.

"Oh, Alice, they're adorable."

One was white with light pink kisses from top to bottom, while the other had a bunch of different types of cars and trucks on it.

"Edward said you wanted to be surprised about having a boy or a girl, so I made one for each."

"You made them?"

"Of course I did. I can't have my niece or nephew wearing that generic stuff they sell in the stores. They have to have something special, because he or she will be special."

"Thank you, Alice. I'll have to have another baby just to use the second outfit."

"Oh, Bella really? That'd be wonderful."

I don't know what she was more excited about. The fact that I said I'd have another baby, or the fact that I'd be using her outfit because of it. Maybe it was both.

I smiled at Alice. I know she was upset with me, and I was with her, but she was sorry, and she did still care. I wanted to talk things out with her, but right now wasn't the best time, the whole family was here.

I thought I'd be okay with having the family here, I couldn't shake my nerves even though things seemed to be going fine and everyone was being polite and friendly. I felt like I could snap at any minute. Like I was tissue paper and a bowling ball was about tear right through me.

By the time we were done eating, the babies were tired and fussy; screaming their heads off. They were seven and nine months old but my ears couldn't handle both of them screaming uncontrollably like that. I was about to start screaming myself. Rose and Alice were trying their best to get them to calm down, but their efforts were in vain. They eventually moved upstairs to my room to get them to take a nap, but the screaming could still be heard. There's people everywhere I look and I just want to get away from them. I'm done with putting on a happy face. I tried, but I've had enough for the day. My back has been killing since this morning, waking me up earlier than normal and being robbed of a few crucial hours of sleep was not helping me cope now.

I needed an excuse to get out of here, even just for an hour but couldn't find a believable one. Edward and I went to the grocery store before every one showed up, so saying I forgot something at the store was out, he'd know I was lying and be on my case about it. I didn't want to tell him that having everyone over was too much for me. He looked happy being with them. To not have to be with one and not the other. Like it used to be, no sides to be on, just everyone together.

I was a second away from just grabbing the keys and bolting out of the house without looking back, stopping to tell anyone anything, and not caring that I couldn't fit that well behind the steering wheel anymore.

I overhead Carlisle's voice talking to Edward in the backyard and that's when I remembered what he said a few months back.

Carlisle gave me a paper with directions scribbled on it. There was no name but there was a street. It was just off of the main road that pretty much connected everything to Forks. It sounded familiar and I knew it was near by but I couldn't place it. I couldn't remember where I had seen the name before. He said there wasn't any time limit and that they'd always be available if I should need them. At the time, I just brushed it off because I didn't think I would need anything like that. I still don't think I do but I could at least go drive by and see where it's at. It'd give me a destination, and it irritated me that the street name sounded so familiar. I may have been back home, but I've been I Seattle so long that not everything about this town stayed with me.

I was at the front door with my sweater on, phone in my pocket and keys in my hand when Carlisle came around the corner from the kitchen catching me.

"Bella, are you leaving?"

"Nope. Just have to get something from the car."

Carlisle gave a smile. He looked back over his shoulder then stepped closer, looking me in the eye.

"You make sure you call one of us if you need to, okay? Drive safe honey."

He gave my chin a little squeeze and pulled back. "You have one hour before I send him after you."

That's why I love Carlisle. He gets it.

I took my time driving, it didn't take long, and it didn't take long to figure out who Carlisle was sending me to see either. The black iron gating around the outside was obvious. I pulled over to the curb. I was in the proper section reserved for this age group.

I think I hate Carlisle. Why would he do this?

I didn't know whether I should be mad or relieved that Carlisle had done this for us. I had no idea, and I can only imagine if Edward knew. I sat in the car debating whether to get out or just go home and pretend I never showed up here. I realized that even if I pretended I never showed up, he or she would know. They would know I showed up and didn't go see them. They'd think I didn't care about them.

I read the handwriting under the address; ninth row, seven spaces in from the willow tree. How can anyone say the number seven is lucky, seeing what I see, it isn't; gravestones are not lucky. I sank to my knees, hands afraid to touch something so sacred and precious. I felt I had to explain before I could even think about touching. I place my hand on my stomach, the other over my mouth, subconsciously trying to let only the right words come out.

"Don't think this is…it's _not_ a replacement for _you_." The words were right because they were true, sobs weren't held back by hands, they came painfully through shaking lips. I bent down framing my hands around the small marker, kissing the simple name over and over.

_Baby Cullen._

It was too much. I could never get close enough.

"Do you know _how much_ I wanted you…loved you? I was so scared…that…I wouldn't be what you needed. I wasn't good enough for you…but you knew that…so…you _left_ me."

My poor baby.

**EPOV**

Bella seemed to be handling today well, but I knew under her surface there was a toxic cocktail of self destruction brewing. She was going to cave no matter how good her front was, no matter how much she didn't want to, it was coming, and it was only a matter of time. It was impressive she lasted so long.

I hadn't seen Bella since we ate. She seemed to be alright. I saw her exchange a few with Esme and Alice, which was a big deal. It was all about the baby. They missed out on a lot, so they were both trying to play catch-up by asking about the ultrasound and the sonograms and the baby's room and baby's clothes, baby, baby, baby. I wasn't surprised she'd disappeared on me.

She wasn't down stair so decided maybe she was in her room hiding out. I poked my head into the baby's room to look for her since I was passing by anyway but found my father in there looking around.

"You like it Dad?"

Carlisle turned to look at me in the doorway, "Yeah, you did a really good job in here. All you need now is the baby."

"Bella already knew how she wanted it to look, I was just the free labor that did if for her. You'd have to talk to her about speeding up having the baby…if you can find her first. Has she been with you? I haven't seen her recently."

Carlisle checked his watch, "I did see her, but that was almost an hour ago."

"Do you know where she is now?"

He nodded, "I think I have a pretty good idea."

There was a short pause before it clicked in my head.

"You think she's…"

Carlisle gave another nod.

I knew that Bella had received a white envelope from Carlisle. I asked him to give Bella the same eye-opener I was given. Taking me to the cemetery was one of the first things Carlisle did when I arrived back from New York after my breakdown. I wanted her to have the option of when she'd be ready to discover where the address in the envelope would take her; if she decided to look.

I bolted from the house and headed for the cemetery. This wasn't something she should've been doing alone. I guess I thought she would've told me about the address Carlisle had given her. It wasn't like I could bring it up because then she'd know I knew. In a way, even though it was difficult to acknowledge, she needed to do this on her own. She needed this for herself, just like I had needed it for me.

It wasn't meant to damage us, it was to heal. It healed me, and I hoped it would help Bella understand too. When I got there, I saw her car…empty. I wasn't sure what'd I find when I got there, how Bella would be. I was terrified, mostly for her. It was a shock to me because I never would've imagined that my father would do this for us; bury our lost child. Bella and I were so detached after. I was playing the blame game, and she was keeping secrets and holding her cards so close to her chest, we had no communication.

Bella right now wasn't in the best condition for this to be happening, but this is how is played out and we're all going to have to work with it. I wanted to stay back and give her more time, but it was getting late, and even though it's early summer it still gets a bit cold. She's been here well over an hour and being hit with something this monumental while pregnant was a delicate situation.

Coming over the small hill I saw Bella with her back to me doused in the early grey shades of night, balled up on her side lying in the grass with her head next to the little stone.

As I got closer I could see her shoulders shake from crying but it was quiet, like she had been crying for awhile. I knelt down and rubbed her bare arm covered with goose bumps, trying to let her know I was here.

"Bella…Bella, honey I got to get you home."

I tried to coax her into sitting up and look at me but all she could do was shake her head and cry.

"NO. I want to stay."

I stroked her hair and leaned in to whisper in her ear.

"I know you do…I know. You're freezing, please, lets go home and get some rest first and we'll come right back here tomorrow, okay?"

"I have to stay. I can't leave her…she'll be all alone."

Bella wasn't acting crazy. She was responding almost exactly as I had when I first came here. Back then I swore I'd never leave this spot. I didn't want to, but I had to use some tough love right about now.

"No, Bella, she's not alone."

Taking her right hand, wedging my fingers into her fist trying to break it open, I moved it across the engraving on the stone, trying to get through to her, making her feel each letter that formed a word, that lead to a healing inscription that brought comfort and peace of mind.

_I walk in heavens holy light, while Jesus holds my hand tight._

This was our closure to this door, but neither of us will ever forget.

Bella crying started to pick up, so I pulled her into my arms as she cried into my collar. I knew she was about to pull away, I could feel it. It was becoming too much for her. Bella started to squirm and thrash in my arms, trying to push away from me. I refused to let her go, I squeezed her to me like a constrictor would its prey. She fisted the back of my shirt in her hands tightly, her chest heaving from trying to free herself. When she understood I wasn't letting go, she let years worth of agony out in a scream so forceful it shook me. This was from deep in her heart, where light had never reached, no one's ever touched. The pain of it finally receiving light was near torture. This scream was for everything. Her parents, Demetri's betrayal, the loss of her child, how much guilt she felt for hurting me and for denying herself this release for so long.

Everything.

After had calmed down for a few minutes I hooked one arm under her knees and hoisted her up. If you can't pick up your pregnant wife, you're not a real fucking man. I got in a few steps before Bella registered that I was taking her to the car; she started to panic and scream, stretching her arms over my shoulders trying to reach out to the baby and kicking her legs.

"Take me back! Take me _back_! I want to stay with my _baby_!"

I had to grip on to her tighter so she wouldn't slip from all her struggling. I tried my best to keep my feet steady as I walked and blinked away tears. When I set her down in the seat of the car, Bella was reduced to sobbing again. She kept repeating she wanted to stay.

She was exhausted by the time we got home. The house was cleared out like I expected it would be. I'm curious what my father told the others about mine and Bella's abrupt disappearances. I carried her up the stairs and laid her down on her bed. I pulled off her shoes and pulled the covers back for her to get under. I wetted a washcloth from the bathroom and gently wiped down her face. Her eyes were closed and she wasn't crying anymore even though tears were still trickling down the side of her cheek. Her hands rubbing her stomach slowly, whispering, "Please… please don't leave me."

I crawled up on the bed next to her, wrapping my arms around her body, resting a hand over the one on her stomach.

"Shh… it's okay honey, no ones leaving…we're all right here with you."

* * *

After almost an hour of getting Bella to settle down, I laid there for another thirty minutes with her body slowly starting to relax against mine until she fell asleep. I sent Carlisle a text letting him know we both okay and back at home. I was tired but too restless to sleep. All I could do was listen to Bella's even breathes as she slept curled next to me. I pressed myself closer to her, weaving out fingers together that were still over her stomach. I nuzzled my nose and lips into the side of her neck breathing in her scent from her skin and silky hair.

I wish the circumstances that had led up to this moment could've been better. I haven't held her in so long; too long. When would I ever get to hold her like this again? Would we ever get to be like we were before all the tragedy?

I imagined our future together as I laid there. What we would do, if we'd still be living here together once the baby was older. Bella made it my decision to have the divorce or not. Did that mean she wanted to be married, did it not mean that? Did it mean that, no matter the choice we'd still have to raise our baby together?

I didn't just imagine the bad, I fantasized about the good. I pictured her coming by the office often to have lunch with me and the baby in tow. Thought about coming home and seeing toys spilled all over the floor, and Bella chasing after a giggling naked baby who just figured out how to run.

These thoughts, good and bad made my heart ache. It hurt for the things I didn't want to happen and if ached for the things I wasn't sure I'd have. Just because I wanted something didn't mean I was going to get it. I didn't know where Bella was at with us. I never brought it up because I was too afraid to know. I was here with her and things were working out okay, and that was enough for me. I wasn't going to push and risk losing what I _did_ have.

My wondering mind eventually gave way to sleep. I didn't know when I fell asleep or how long I had slept but it was almost 4 AM when I felt Bella jolt in my arms. I thought maybe she was still sleeping but when I felt her tense up and make a funny noise I knew she wasn't any more.

Bella sat up, bringing her feet to the floor and her hands wrapped around the baby, hissing through her teeth.

"Bella, what is it? Tell me what's going on."

"I-I don't know. It can't be the baby… it's- it's too soon. It can't be."

As soon as she finished her sentence she let out another moan that was more like a loud whine.

"Ok, hang on sweetheart. It'll be okay."

I jumped out of bed and out into the hallway a ways, keeping my eyes on Bella on her bed. The phone range a few times before my father answered. I tried to speak lowly so Bella wouldn't over hear.

"Dad, Bella's having pain. I-I think it's contractions but I don't want to tell Bella that unless it's for certain."

"Um, um" I could tell he was trying to snap into doctor mode. "How far apart are they?"

"Five, maybe six minutes? I don't know! Dad, is something wrong? She's _two weeks_ early."

"Son, it's going to be fine. Babies are born early all the time; some even a month early and still turn out just as healthy. It does sound like she's in labor but Edward, I still need you to get Bella to the hospital to make sure. I'll call ahead and let them know you're on your way. Pack a bag, they'll most likely have Bella admitted."

I got off the phone and headed back to Bella, sitting next to her and rubbing her back while a few tears fell and she fought not to cry out, waiting for it to pass.

I looked into her teary eyes, wiping away the ones on her cheeks, "Bella, we have to head to the hospital and get you check out, alright honey?"

Bella scrunched up her face, shaking her head, "S-something's wrong isn't there?"

I didn't know what to say, she sounded so scared.

"Hey, shh, shh, don't say that. Babies can be early sometimes, it doesn't always mean something's wrong. This can even just be a false alarm; but we won't until we see the doctor."

Bella took a deep breath and nodded.

"Is there anything I can do?"

"Um, I want t-to clean up a little before we go."

"Yeah, that's fine. Let me help you."

I pulled Bella up off the bed and walked her to the bathroom. Once she was inside and I heard the sink turn on, I let Bella know I was going to get a few things for us for the hospital. I just changed into fresh clothes and was in the middle of figuring out what to pack for Bella when I heard her scream my name.

"EDWARD!"

I bolted from her room and into the bathroom. Bella was pale white with her hands firmly planted on the edge of the bathroom counter and looking down between her parted feet. I followed her gaze and saw a puddle of fluid tinged with pink. I was frozen in place. This was the real thing. Bella looked up at me with tears down her face practically shaking.

"I'm sorry! I'm sorry, Edward!"

I didn't understand why she was apologizing for her water breaking. I did understand that she was scared out of her mind. She's never been through this before.

"Bella, it's okay, but we have to get to the hospital…like _right now._"

I took hold of her hands and guided her out of the bathroom so she didn't slip. I was able to get Bella's shoes and jacket on before nearly carrying her down the stairs and buckled into the car. It was difficult driving since every contraction she had made me want to floor it all the way to the hospital, but at the same time I wanted to be careful since I had precious cargo with me.

Carlisle and Esme were there when we entered the maternity ward. He may have been retired and only worked a few days a month just so he could keep his license, but he still had a great amount of power and was able to get Bella check in and assigned a room instantly.

After making sure Bella was comfortable, I decided to step out of the room to speak with my parents before another big contraction hit.

"Mom, I need your help. I didn't have time to get some things together for Bella before we left. Can you go to the house and get whatever it is she'd need while she's here?"

Esme lit up like a Christmas tree as she stood there in her pajamas with her rumpled hair, recognizing the opportunity to help Bella in any capacity.

"Oh, of course I will! I'll be there and back here in ten minutes. Carlisle, call me if there's any news!"

She was practically already through the sliding glass doors of the hospital as she dug her keys out of her pajama pockets.

"Dad, why's the baby coming now? Is there _any _chance that something wrong, that something could go wrong?"

"I don't know, Son, I'm not Bella's primary doctor. You'd have to ask him, I only know the very basics when it comes to maternity."

"All the tests and check ups always came back healthy. It doesn't seem likely, but this…coming early, makes me wonder, you know?"

"Edward, how did she take yesterday? That couldn't have been easy, especially with having the family over beforehand."

"She was a wreck when I got there. It took a long time to get her calm enough to fall asleep. But then she started having contractions a few hours later and…here we are."

"It was probably all the stress that she was under then. You better get back in there."

We decided that it was too early to tell the others. They had babies and it wasn't like they could just throw them in the car and come down to the hospital. It wasn't a big deal, they'd be down here eventually to see the baby.

_Oh fuck._

I'm about to be a father. Bella's going to be a mother.

Why is this just now hitting me?

The doctor said her contractions were too close to have an epidural. Bella said she never planned on having one anyway. She said she wanted the whole experience, pain and all. Once the doctor confirmed she was definitely going to have the baby today, she seemed to fall into this collected state; except when she was screaming from the contractions. I sat behind her in bed letting her dig her nails into the tops of my legs when they hit. I was at her side when she started pushing. She was pure sweat, tears and gritted teeth but never looked more beautiful.

And when the doctor said "It's a boy" I couldn't even see him properly through the tears. But I didn't have to see him to know he was beautiful, like his mother…_Bella._

* * *

**BPOV**

**Two weeks after delivery…**

I don't feel like I shouldn't have anything to do with him. Like I shouldn't have him, he shouldn't be mine or belong to me. I couldn't make something this beautiful and perfect. Then again, Edward's his father and I see every resemblance of him when I look at my son. Edward kept saying that he looked like me, but he was just saying that. The others said he looked just like Edward too. I make bottles so Edward can feed him too, so they can bond; and I wash anything that might touch him and do all his laundry. The only time I have to be with him is when I breast feed. It's difficult, Edward's always there just lingering nearby, waiting to be with him again. To be so exposed in front of him is almost humiliating. It feels so awkward yet natural at the same time to feed my son. They gave a crash course in breastfeeding at the hospital, but I still felt like I wasn't doing it right, like the stupid idiot that I am. I'm terrified of my own son.

I know Edward just wants to be there for the baby, he can't stand being apart from him. I don't really get involved too much when Edward's with him. I want him to have every second possibly with his son. Edward is a beaming ray of light now that he's a father. He's so bright that when I see him holding our son, Liam Anthony Cullen, it makes my eyes water. I'm glad he loves his son so much because most of the time I don't feel like I love him the way I should. My heart feels like it's going to burst open for what I feel for Liam, but I feel like I should be feeling more, giving more, doing more, but I don't trust myself. Any time I make an attempt to be what I think a good mother is, I feel is uncertainty about what I'm doing. I don't know if I'm making the right or wrong choices. I didn't have the best guide lines on good parents growing up. I feel like if I get close to Liam I'm just going to screw him up. I know that if he's with Edward, he's in the best hands and nothing can go wrong. It's the only time I don't doubt myself…when Edward's around.

* * *

**EPOV**

It's sick what she's doing. I can see her muscles twitch to move towards him, yet she catches herself and fights it off, leaving it to me. She won't let herself near him unless it's absolutely necessary, like breast feeding. I've even asked her if she wanted to take care of him, but she pretends that she's busy with dishes or bottle prepping or laundry or cleaning, making dinner.

I was at my breaking point with Bella. She was being ridiculous, yet I knew this was coming. Just like the day at the hospital with Rose. Bella was full of hesitation, doubt and second guessing herself on everything. This was new territory and she didn't have a clue how to navigate through it.

One day, I finally had enough and I wasn't going to let her continue this bullshit any longer. Liam needed a mother, and I was pretty sure he had an excellent one, but she was too busy playing scared.

The baby was sleeping upstairs in his crib, I was in the living room catching up on some work and emails on the laptop while Bella was in the kitchen. When his little cries came through on the baby monitor I had with me on the coffee table, I halted my work to check on him. I wasn't surprise to see Bella had stepped out of the kitchen. She was a few steps up, creeping against the wall with a dishtowel in her hands just staring up towards the baby's room with curious eyes. This is was she always did, and when I usually asked her if she wanted to get him, she'd just find some excuse to pass.

But not this time, not today and not anymore.

As I went up, I took her by the hand as I passed and pulled her along with me. Of course I felt her trying to pull away and resist but it only made me hold on tighter.

I pushed her up against the crib railing, so she could get a good look at her crying son. "Pick up your son, Bella." She stood there shaking her head and her body trembling. She tried to back up and leave but my chest was up against her back and my arms caging her in on either side of her. I counted to three in my head until I told her again. "Touch him. He's crying for _you_, waiting for you to hold him." Her hands were balled up at her sides, shaking. Tears fell, her voice was hoarse and cracking. "I don't know how." That was complete bullshit, she did know how. I took her hardened fist in mine, with much resistance from her part trying to fight me I brought it up and forward and grazed it against our baby's scrunched up body. Her hand was shaking violently and I could feel the tension in her whole body wanting to jerk away from touching him, but I knew she wouldn't dare be so careless with her movements being so close to him.

After a few forced passes, I felt the tension slowly leave her arm and she was touching him on her own free will. She took a deep breathe and went for it, picking him. She sat in the cushioned rocking chair, rocking and shushing Liam. He quieted down, just making little whimpers and looking at Bella, who was smiling down at him. I got closer and brushed away tears she couldn't get because her hands were full with Liam, "See, you _do_ know how."

Bella stuck her finger into Liam's open little hand, which he closed around her finger a moment later. Bella let out a light, hopeful laugh and kissed his balled up fist.

* * *

Thankfully on the day Liam was born, the others were able to make it to the hospital just before he arrived; thank God babies are usually awake early. They didn't get to see Bella since she was exhausted from pushing, not to mention the events that took place the day before. Esme was the only one that saw Bella other than me since she had her bag for the hospital. She said she had some 'post-baby _secrets'_ to share will Bella. I asked Bella first if it was alright and she said it was. I don't know what my mom told her but Bella didn't seem angry or upset after. I think Bella was doing so much better with Liam, but I could still see that she had doubts about how well she was doing. It didn't matter that I thought she was amazing, and it didn't matter what the other girls told her either, she truly felt like she was constantly screwing up.

It was Bella that suggested to have another family get together. With having a newborn, there wasn't much time for socializing, and since Liam was starting to stick to a schedule it would to nice to see the others, and to finally have all the babies together. Towards the end, the only people that were left were Carlisle and Esme. While they were in living the living room cooing over Liam, Bella pulled me into the office.

"There's…there's something I need to do today, that I need to take care of."

I wasn't sure what to say. It did scare me a little that she was being so vague about what she had to do.

"Um, alright...Can I ask what that might be?"

Bella shook her head, "No, it's just something I have to do."

"Is it…I mean, are you going to see the baby? I know I said we'd go back, but it's just Liam came so unexpected and things…"

I shut up when I noticed her face fall even more.

"No, it's not the baby. Though, I should probably make a stop there too."

"Are you okay? You'd tell me if something was wrong, wouldn't you?"

She smiled faintly, rubbing her hand up and down my arm soothingly.

"I'll be okay…At least, I should be after today."

I pulled her to me and hugged her tight, she did the same; and then she left. I told my parents Bella went out to pick up a few things at the store. They didn't question it, even though I know they're old enough to know better. After some time passed and Bella didn't come back and I didn't get any calls from her, I started to become a little paranoid. She said she needed to take care of something, but what? My mind conjured up some crazy things, even that she made up her mind that she wanted a divorce but she didn't want to tell me. I asked my parent's to watch Liam for me while I made a quick stop.

I headed for the cemetery hoping to find Bella where I thought she would be. When I arrived at our Baby Cullen's headstone there was a glittery pinwheel stuck in the ground next to it. Bella had been here. I said I love you to the baby and started searching for any sign of Bella or her car hoping she'd still be here. I spotted a black Mercedes towards the back, and I knew it had to be hers. There weren't many people in this town that had cars like we did. As I walked over, Bella slowly came into view. She was resting on her knees with her hands in her lap and her back facing me. When I was close enough, she knew I was there and spoke; she already has a sniffly nose and scratchy voice.

"It's their Anniversary today."

I read the names on the gravestones she sat in front of.

One said _Renee Swan _and the other said_ Charlie Swan._ Her parents.

I got down beside but didn't say anything. She didn't even look at me, her eyes stayed transfixed on the plaques as tears fell down her face and dripped off her chin. I can only imagine what she was thinking. Her parents were a hard limit and she rarely, _rarely_ ever brought them up. She told me a few basic things about them, that they were usually off doing their own thing when she was in high school, but the most significant was that they both passed away. Not much could be said after that. They weren't in her life anymore, and she didn't see a reason to talk about them. I think about ten minutes of absolute silence passes before she spoke again looking right at me, but this time she sound angry, hurt and scared.

"Where were you? I needed you. I need you _then._ I was so alone…I had nobody."

"Baby, I don't understand-"

"Why couldn't I find you before! Instead, I let myself fall into the wrong arms just-just because I was so lonely."

The way she was looking at me made me feel so guilty. The pleading and desperation in her eyes told me just how deep she hurt inside. I pulled her into my lap, hugging her tight, and her crying into my collar. I could feel her pain coming off in waves, and knowing that she hurt this much made my eyes water.

"I'm sorry baby, I'm sorry…I didn't know you then. I wish I could've been there for you….We're together now baby, I love you and that's all that matters."

Bella only cried harder against me and the only thing I could do was hold her, cradling her head in my palm.

"I love you, I've always love you, Edward." Bella pulled back from me with her hands on the tops of my shoulders, a red nose and cheeks and tears still falling, her eyes held so much conviction in what she said.

"All those lunches…I just had to see you, I thought I'd lose my mind if I didn't. Demetri never had the time, and he only at fancy restaurants just so he could throw his damn money around."

Bella wiped her nose with the back of her hand, and half smiled at how gross the action was.

"The first time you invited me…it was like I wasn't alone anymore."

I've never told her before, but I'll be damned if I didn't say it now. "I loved those lunches with you. It felt like…even just for an hour, you were mine, _really_ mine."

Bella's hands combed through the sides of my hair with her eyes studying my face.

"Oh, Edward, I was always yours."

I saw two tears fall just before Bella leaned in and her lips met mine softly. It started out with a light kiss, but then slowly turned into a heart felt surrender of two souls. It was like we were both keeping the same secret from each other this whole time, afraid to let it be known. My lips would tentatively touch and savor hers, as she carefully caressed mine.

After a few minutes, our kisses mutual began to weaken and slow to a stop. Bella rested her head on my shoulder as her legs straddled my waist, and I sat with her in my arms and my chin on her should, looking down her back as my fingers played with the ends of her hair.

"I'm so scared I'll be like them. I don't want Liam to hate me."

"Bella, do you love that baby? Would you die for him?"

"Anything, I'd do anything."

"Then you've already won."

* * *

**There it is. Thank you all so much for reading and hanging in there til the end.**

**There will be an Epilogue since I received a handful of PM's about it. I already know what I'll be writing, hee hee!**

**I have a few mini-stories that will be writing while I simultaneously write a much bigger story (think the length of Emancipation Proclamation by Khar). I will have a sick-awesome beta for any future projects. She's magical to me lol**

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	24. Chapter 24 Epilogue

**6/2/2011**

**Hi, hope you enjoy!**

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**-Steph**

* * *

**EDWARD**

I can hear excited voices outside my office. I smile because I know what's coming next. She tried to surprise me before but it failed when Nina couldn't keep quiet. _He's getting so big. Spitting image of his father. Never see him enough._

Bella appeared in my doorway holding a pink bakery box in one hand and cradling Liam on her hip. Both had smiles, which I returned. "Hey, you two." Bella set Liam down and whispered something in his ear, then pointed to me saying, "Go tell daddy" with a secretive smirk on her lips.

I rolled my chair back and away from the desk making myself open to him. Liam wedged himself between my legs, resting his little elbows on the tops of my thighs and playing with the end of my tie. I ruffled his hair, "What's going on buddy?"

Bella came over too, opening the pink box on my desk and handing me a still warm peanut butter –chocolate chip cookie. I broke mine in half, giving one half to Liam. The crease in his brow made the kid look like he needed a smoke, but figured a cookie would be better. To my knowledge nothing was wrong, Bella would've told me if there was, but she seemed fine as well.

Liam took a bite of his cookie, he looked at Bella, then back to me. His cheeks were getting a little red but his shy smile was still there. "Daddy...what's a _sibygn_?"

Damn, I don't know.

Bella started laughing, which made Liam laugh too. I started laughing, but only because I was confused and felt like they were playing some kind of weird joke on me.

"I'm sorry, buddy, a what?"

Liam looked at Bella, who was now at my side. "What is it….sid…siddle…"

I was too confused. Bella helped Liam out, "Si_b_…"

Liam tried again, "Sib…b-b-b."

Bella lifted my left hand and point to my wedding band to show him. "What do we call this?"

"Uh….mm…ring!"

"Right. So, it's sib…"

"Ring! Sib-ring daddy."

I mulled it over in my head, finally it clicked. "You mean sibling?"

"Yeah! Mommy said that."

Bella grabbed the pink box and brought it over to me. I picked up Liam and set him on my lap, he wrapped one arm around my neck. Bella tilted the box toward me, inside was a small round white frosted cake with red writing on it.

_I'm pregnant._

I was dumbstruck. My whole body slackened in my seat but my chest felt tight with pride. My eyes were glued to Bella's. _Now_, instead of the smirk from earlier she had a brilliant smile.

Maybe part of me expected this_. _

_Almost a year ago there were back to back storms that nearly lasted two weeks straight. I was still sleeping on the couch in the office at the house, and Bella and Liam were upstairs. The thunder was pretty bad that night, so I decided to check on the two of them. Liam was amazingly sound asleep but when I passed Bella's room, I could see her bedroom light coming through the frame of the door. I poked my head in and there she was wide awake at 3 A.M. curled up on her bed. She needed to get some sleep so she could take care of Liam tomorrow. I needed to get some sleep since I had work, but I knew I wouldn't be able to if I knew she was up. She didn't have to say anything, her eyes said it for her. I turned out the light and crawled into bed, holding her close to me. We slept like that every night until the storms cleared out; even after too. It became a normal thing. After working and caring for a baby all day, neither of us made a deal about sleeping together, just as long as we got to sleep at all._

_Things changed when Liam started walking. Stepping through the door one night after work, I saw toys strewn all over the floor of the entry way and living room. I could hear Bella and Liam in the kitchen. Liam shot out of the kitchen and into the living room, butt-naked giggling his head off. Bella was hot on his heels with a diaper in hand. She stopped when she saw me standing there._

"_Did I just get streaked by my son?"_

"_He keeps taking his diaper off every chance he gets. I'm going to call your mother and ask if you did this as a child as well."_

_Each night, after a hectic day on both our ends, we just needed something that was just us. It started as just talking and winding down, but then more nights would pass and it lead to making out and touching, then further and further, until there was nothing between us._

_I will admit that we started getting lazy more recently; a forgotten condom here and there, but I didn't really think much of it._

"Are you sure."

Bella swiped some frosting on the cake and onto Liam's finger for him to suck off.

"Doctor confirmed it today."

I took her hand pulling her closer, "I'm happy… really happy about this. Are you?"

She smiled sweetly, giving my hand a squeeze, "I'm really happy too."

**BELLA**

Edward and Liam like to have their own quiet little conversations as we all lay in bed in the morning. They think I'm asleep but usually I'm not. They usually end up wrestling each other in bed anyway. I like to hear them whisper back and forth. Liam with jerkily crawl his way up the middle of our bed. He likes to use our bodies as tools to help him in his journey to the middle. He thinks he's being quiet and not waking us up, but he is. We don't really care though. He likes to pull on Edward's shirt that he wears to bed to pull him up to the pillows; then he'll knee me in the face for no reason just to turn over and face Edward. Neither Edward nor I have ever made it unscathed by our son.

I love hearing Liam call for Edward, waking him up. I think Edward lets him say it so many times because he likes to hear it too. I know he's awake but Liam doesn't know that.

Liam use's what he _thinks_ is his quiet voice when he calls for Edward.

"Daddy…"

Edward groans and rolls over. I can imagine Liam's face. He likes to get really close that he's literally breathing up your nose.

"Hey, buddy."

"Daddy," he says in his serious voice, "mommy's tummy is alive."

"Is it? How do you know?"

Liam's moving around jostles me but I try to keep my eyes closed even though I desperately want to look. I feel his little hand pull up my night shirt exposing my stomach.

"Watch."

I hear Edward laugh because he already knows, Liam however, is still amazed. I smile as I lay there, but then my face is covered by a huge hand. Edward's. He was watching, it just wasn't my stomach. The baby kicked, causing Liam to bounce in his spot. "See! See that daddy?"

"Yeah, I saw that."

He took his hand off my face and moved it down to my stomach to rest there. I cracked my eyes open to my two men. Liam was leaning back against Edward's chest, while Edward lay there on his side.

"Why's it do that?"

"The baby's saying hi. Say hi buddy."

Liam wiggled down to my stomach, placing a hand on my stomach and playing with the skin, making it stretch. He put his mouth right on my skin, like you would do if you were talking into an inflated balloon. I had to laugh. _Had_ to.

"Hellloooo."

…**..**

All that could be heard was the wind as it rustled through the trees that encompassed our hide out and swished through the grass that surrounded us.

My hands were covering my mouth, trying to suppress my giggles and remain quiet and motionless in the tall golden grass where I lay ducked down on all fours and hidden like a predator waiting for its prey.

I looked left and saw Edward a bit further ahead- crouching and lithely crawling like an exotic cat ready to pounce; he was playfully glaring at me. Silently telling me to knock it off or he'd catch us. He turned back to his target, his eyes sharp and stalking like a hawk.

All that could be seen was a clump of bronzy-brown that just reached the tops of the grass, scurrying back and forth, excited from the anticipation of being caught.

He would get distracted every here and there, forgetting that he was playing a game. If we couldn't hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet, Edward would make cooing bird calls with his hands around his mouth from where he hid, simultaneously bringing our prey closer.

Distant giggles and screeches started back up, and could be heard over the muted sounds of grass being smashed down under palms and knees and Edward and I moved closer from our end of the field.

Ever since he started to run we've been playing this game, yet he's still so surprised every time. Edward waits until he's close enough, then it my turn to get him to turn away from Edward. From where I am, hidden five or six feet back, he has no idea how close Edward is to him. His little arms swipe at the grass to see better, but it doesn't help.

I lift my head up just a little bit over the grass and softly call his name, "Liaam…"ducking back down again. He spins around with a little gasp-giggle and heads my way, just barely brushing past his father completely unaware of his proximity to him.

When he's steps in line between Edward and myself that's when Edward pounces, his arms snap out and catch him around the tummy, as Liam shrieks and giggles louder, kicking his feet as Edward hoists him up. "I found you, little buddy!"

I rise and step towards them, "Daddy caught you, now Mommy's gonna tickle you!" I tickle as Edward holds a now squirming Liam as he smiles and laughs saying _no, no!_ I stop when he starts losing his breathe from laughing. Edward puts him down and he rushes ahead of us only to stop and turn back.

"Mommy, spin me." He holds his hands up, eagerly waiting for me. I quickly try to debate whether I should or not but Edward has a speedy answer.

"I think mommy's tired buddy, maybe next time, okay?"

Liam's arms drop to his sides along with his smile. His face makes my heart drop too. I'm a little surprised Edward said no to his little boy, but I understand his concern. I take ahold of Edward's hand and look at him, "A few won't hurt anything." I can see it in his eyes that he's debating it. His eyes go from Liam, to me, back to Liam, then shrugs in defeat.

Liam hops up cheering, stretching out his arms again. I hold on to him, "Count to five with me, baby." Hopefully, the counting will get his mind off of how many less spins we do together. Because he's still just a short little boy I'm able to get his feet off the ground and spinning before I complete our first spin. He's too busy laughing to count with me, but he gets out numbers four and five at the last minute.

As we head back home with Liam leading the way, my arm is wrapped around Edward's waist and my head resting against his arm, Edward has his arm wrapped across my shoulders.

"Are you okay?"

I look up at him as we continue to walk, "Everything's fine. Everything _will_ be fine."


End file.
